Hmm...

Fuck you Paul Anderson.

That's it.  That's all I can start this review off with.  Notice that there are no exclamation points or all-caps lettering.  Just a simple "fuck you."  First, he manages to make a goreless zombie flick that could have been, should have been something special.  Now, he takes a dream-come-true of many fanboys around the planet, and turns it into a nightmare.  And if it still resembles  a dream for some, than a very mediocre dream.

I guess I should start with the plot.  A dying, millionaire inventor, Bishop Weyland (ho ho, even played by "Alien" franchise vet Lance Henriksen), gets his hands on sattelitte photos showing a large structure resembling an ancient pyrimad underneath the surface of Antarctica (why nobody in the film asks questions, I will never know).  He quickly assembles a team and soon they are off to the icey continent.  

Unfortunaely, what they do not know is that the buried chamber is actually a maze of sorts, used by the Predators for centuries as a trial of manhood against, you guessed it, the dreaded aliens.  The humans arrive, disrupt the Predators' shoulder cannons already placed in the tomb, and all hell breaks loose.

How they managed to screw up a film with both the aliens from "Aliens" and Predators in it is beyond me.

[SPOILERS HERE-IN]

First, the good, which there is some of.  One, I dig the use of the shifting rooms every ten minutes.  Now how the one brainie guy comes across this conclusion leaves a bit to be desired.  Still, a cool idea that keeps things moving.  Two, I like the actual battles between the two creatures (which, surprisingly, there isn't too much of).  Watching the two monsters go at it is something of a spectacle.  The only downside is that the matches aren't edited so nicely, making things a bit confusing sometimes.

Now, for the negative.  First, Anderson should be shot for his idea (and I know this wasn't the costume designer's idea, but Anderson's) for making the Predators so friggin' big!  They're about nine feet tall, which means when they jump around like Spider-Man, it looks absolutely ridiculous.  Not to mention, the giant, four feet claws look hard to use, even for a steroid using Predator.  Another thing changed, that really annoys me, is that the design for the Predator's actual face has been changed from four, large mandibles to four, small mandibles and a ridiculously small mouth.  

Second, there's the plot conflicts.  In "Alien" it's true that there was no timeline as to how long Kane had the facehugger attached to him, but I get the feeling it was longer than ten minutes.  And I don't mean ten minutes real time, I mean thirty seconds real time, ten minutes movie-time!  And I don't mean just the chestbursting.  No, these mothers pretty much are full grown by fifteen minutes time.  For someone who claims to be such a big fan of both franchises, Anderson sure makes a lot of unnessacary continuity errors.

Third,  the God-awful team-up.  Good Lord- who the hell thought this was a good idea?  The way these two pair up is so, so, so stupid, you'll actually slap your forehead.  Granted, in the comic book a Predator-human team would sometimes occur.  But, in a film, it just ends up looking damn hokey, to the point where you honestly think the two are going to kiss- yes, it's that bad.

Fourth, the clever aliens from the "Alien" franchise have been reduced to nothing more than velociraptors.  That's all they are- raptors in the form of aliens.  They even make the same stupid mannerisms (cool for raptors, stupid for aliens).  And the Queen!  Good Lord, the Queen!  I guess Anderson really liked "Jurassic Park" because the second you see this thing un-chained, you'll immeadiately think of the T-Rex.  You'll know what I mean when you see this.

Finally...

WHO THE F**K TAKES ASSAULT RIFLES INTO AN ANCIENT TEMPLE?  WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?  DID THEY KNOW ABOUT THE CREATURES?  CHRIST, THIS SUCKS!

In the end, this ends up being just another shitty Anderson flick, albeit (sadly) one of his worst.  Even if I just went in to see a good old fasioned monster fight, I still wouldn't enjoy it simply because the lack of actual monster fights!

Oh, and the Pred-Alien looks like shit.

*1/2 out of ****

The good news is that hopefully this will kill the "VS" movies. I always thought it was a cheap an unimaginative little mini-genre. I am glad that they will be dying off soon.

Although I would like to see Forest Gump VS Leather Face.

"RUN FOREST! RUN!"

I don't think the VS. movies are a select category...there's isn't that many.

I like the concept of VS movies, even if it's just..well I like it.

I'm disappointed to hear about AVP.  I really had high hopes for the fusing of two of the greatest sci-fi/action franchises.

Yeah, but the idea behind FREDDY VS JASON was great at 1st thought too... to bad they went with Ronie's vision instead of W.W.'s vision.

VS movies are a thing of the past... a time when they could be exacuted without the sacrifice of a characters DNA being on the market for sale.

They forced you into liking Jason over Freddy
They force you into taking the Predators side of the Aliens side

I hate it! all four are vicious killers, with no remorse for mankind. We know this, as we've seen in all four's countless movies "predators aside"

Point and case -- Who are you gonna wanna side with more ->>>

Freddy, a serial killing, child molesting ass hole?

or

Jason, the retarded, picked on, slow kid at camp who was neglected and murdered for it "in so many words"?

I think we all know who we wanted to win deep down in our hearts... even though many more liked Freddy, they forced you into thinking Jason was good and Freddy was evil...

I hate this! "again"

I got the new DVD sets of Dracula, the wolfman and Frankenstein with all the extra movies thrown into the mix. Well, I was finally able to see the long awaited Frankenstien vs the wolfman... wow! That's how you do it. A movie that played no sides and had the two characters be who they were no matter what turn of event occured.

What happened with AVP and FVJ..?

Just my two cents, but I didn't like either of the two.

I agree with you, Baltis.  I didn't like FVJ for the reason that they portrayed Jason as the good guy.  Like you said, he's not a good guy.

I find it hard not to like Freddy more, and frankly I was rooting for him.  He might be a sick sick guy, but so is Jason, and Freddy's got way way more style.  

As for aliens and predators...well, they're both so awesome I'm not sure I can say which I would want to win.

So i'll never be seeing Freddy vs Michael Jackson

"The children have all gone missing and Freddy has run out of victims, what will he do?"

Michael Jackson takes Freddy to netherland in a dream and shows him why he always grabbed his crotch

I didn't overly hate freddy vs Jason tho, I mean they're talking about a sequel so it couldn't have been all that bad in hollywood's eyes (Hahaha)

Damn it!  I never even realized that what Baltis is saying is true!  They really are forcing us to like one character- all of a sudden, both "AVP" (which I loathe... obviously) and "Freddy Vs. Jason" (which I kind of liked [see DVD Review]) have seriously dropped (another) few stars.  

And I agree: "Frankenstien Meets The Wolfman" is the best (and I believe first) "Vs." film.  The best part: completely un-biased.  You almost feel bad for both monsters.  Did you notice at one point in "AVP" (towards the beginning), a surrvaillance room is shown filled with many computer monitors and one television screen- if you look at the TV, it is showing a scene from "Frankenstien Meets The Wolfman."

In fvsj you kinda knew Jason would win because throughout the film he seemed more like a good guy eventhough he killed some stupid kids, Freddy gets annoying since he can't fight. Jason is no better

I haven't seen Alien vs predator and have to admit the films weren't on my favorites list to begin with but they seem like they could have better fights than 5 knives vs 1 bigger knife

That's a good point baltis that can really ruin a movie. Freedy vs. Jason definitely could have been better and Predator a good guy....I don't think so!

Why didn't they make it good guy vs bad guy instead of evil vs evil?

I stand corrected. AVP made 38 million out of the box. So I guess the VERSUS movies will be around for a bit longer.

Can't wait to see Barney VS Elmo.

38 million on first weekend or total?? Well which ever it was it doesn't really matter because it was a waste of money to make in the first place. It's movie like this that make you kinda feel sorry for the producer...

It's also number 1 at the box office

That's so fucking bullshit right, we people are here trying to write originals stories with some deep shit in it, but then stupid stories get to have all the money and stuff :p