Hmm...

Fuck you Paul Anderson.

That's it.  That's all I can start this review off with.  Notice that there are no exclamation points or all-caps lettering.  Just a simple "fuck you."  First, he manages to make a goreless zombie flick that could have been, should have been something special.  Now, he takes a dream-come-true of many fanboys around the planet, and turns it into a nightmare.  And if it still resembles  a dream for some, than a very mediocre dream.

I guess I should start with the plot.  A dying, millionaire inventor, Bishop Weyland (ho ho, even played by "Alien" franchise vet Lance Henriksen), gets his hands on sattelitte photos showing a large structure resembling an ancient pyrimad underneath the surface of Antarctica (why nobody in the film asks questions, I will never know).  He quickly assembles a team and soon they are off to the icey continent.  

Unfortunaely, what they do not know is that the buried chamber is actually a maze of sorts, used by the Predators for centuries as a trial of manhood against, you guessed it, the dreaded aliens.  The humans arrive, disrupt the Predators' shoulder cannons already placed in the tomb, and all hell breaks loose.

How they managed to screw up a film with both the aliens from "Aliens" and Predators in it is beyond me.

[SPOILERS HERE-IN]

First, the good, which there is some of.  One, I dig the use of the shifting rooms every ten minutes.  Now how the one brainie guy comes across this conclusion leaves a bit to be desired.  Still, a cool idea that keeps things moving.  Two, I like the actual battles between the two creatures (which, surprisingly, there isn't too much of).  Watching the two monsters go at it is something of a spectacle.  The only downside is that the matches aren't edited so nicely, making things a bit confusing sometimes.

Now, for the negative.  First, Anderson should be shot for his idea (and I know this wasn't the costume designer's idea, but Anderson's) for making the Predators so friggin' big!  They're about nine feet tall, which means when they jump around like Spider-Man, it looks absolutely ridiculous.  Not to mention, the giant, four feet claws look hard to use, even for a steroid using Predator.  Another thing changed, that really annoys me, is that the design for the Predator's actual face has been changed from four, large mandibles to four, small mandibles and a ridiculously small mouth.  

Second, there's the plot conflicts.  In "Alien" it's true that there was no timeline as to how long Kane had the facehugger attached to him, but I get the feeling it was longer than ten minutes.  And I don't mean ten minutes real time, I mean thirty seconds real time, ten minutes movie-time!  And I don't mean just the chestbursting.  No, these mothers pretty much are full grown by fifteen minutes time.  For someone who claims to be such a big fan of both franchises, Anderson sure makes a lot of unnessacary continuity errors.

Third,  the God-awful team-up.  Good Lord- who the hell thought this was a good idea?  The way these two pair up is so, so, so stupid, you'll actually slap your forehead.  Granted, in the comic book a Predator-human team would sometimes occur.  But, in a film, it just ends up looking damn hokey, to the point where you honestly think the two are going to kiss- yes, it's that bad.

Fourth, the clever aliens from the "Alien" franchise have been reduced to nothing more than velociraptors.  That's all they are- raptors in the form of aliens.  They even make the same stupid mannerisms (cool for raptors, stupid for aliens).  And the Queen!  Good Lord, the Queen!  I guess Anderson really liked "Jurassic Park" because the second you see this thing un-chained, you'll immeadiately think of the T-Rex.  You'll know what I mean when you see this.

Finally...

WHO THE F**K TAKES ASSAULT RIFLES INTO AN ANCIENT TEMPLE?  WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?  DID THEY KNOW ABOUT THE CREATURES?  CHRIST, THIS SUCKS!

In the end, this ends up being just another shitty Anderson flick, albeit (sadly) one of his worst.  Even if I just went in to see a good old fasioned monster fight, I still wouldn't enjoy it simply because the lack of actual monster fights!

Oh, and the Pred-Alien looks like shit.

*1/2 out of ****

The good news is that hopefully this will kill the "VS" movies. I always thought it was a cheap an unimaginative little mini-genre. I am glad that they will be dying off soon.

Although I would like to see Forest Gump VS Leather Face.

"RUN FOREST! RUN!"

I don't think the VS. movies are a select category...there's isn't that many.

I like the concept of VS movies, even if it's just..well I like it.

I'm disappointed to hear about AVP.  I really had high hopes for the fusing of two of the greatest sci-fi/action franchises.

Yeah, but the idea behind FREDDY VS JASON was great at 1st thought too... to bad they went with Ronie's vision instead of W.W.'s vision.

VS movies are a thing of the past... a time when they could be exacuted without the sacrifice of a characters DNA being on the market for sale.

They forced you into liking Jason over Freddy
They force you into taking the Predators side of the Aliens side

I hate it! all four are vicious killers, with no remorse for mankind. We know this, as we've seen in all four's countless movies "predators aside"

Point and case -- Who are you gonna wanna side with more ->>>

Freddy, a serial killing, child molesting ass hole?

or

Jason, the retarded, picked on, slow kid at camp who was neglected and murdered for it "in so many words"?

I think we all know who we wanted to win deep down in our hearts... even though many more liked Freddy, they forced you into thinking Jason was good and Freddy was evil...

I hate this! "again"

I got the new DVD sets of Dracula, the wolfman and Frankenstein with all the extra movies thrown into the mix. Well, I was finally able to see the long awaited Frankenstien vs the wolfman... wow! That's how you do it. A movie that played no sides and had the two characters be who they were no matter what turn of event occured.

What happened with AVP and FVJ..?

Just my two cents, but I didn't like either of the two.

I agree with you, Baltis.  I didn't like FVJ for the reason that they portrayed Jason as the good guy.  Like you said, he's not a good guy.

I find it hard not to like Freddy more, and frankly I was rooting for him.  He might be a sick sick guy, but so is Jason, and Freddy's got way way more style.  

As for aliens and predators...well, they're both so awesome I'm not sure I can say which I would want to win.

So i'll never be seeing Freddy vs Michael Jackson

"The children have all gone missing and Freddy has run out of victims, what will he do?"

Michael Jackson takes Freddy to netherland in a dream and shows him why he always grabbed his crotch

I didn't overly hate freddy vs Jason tho, I mean they're talking about a sequel so it couldn't have been all that bad in hollywood's eyes (Hahaha)

Damn it!  I never even realized that what Baltis is saying is true!  They really are forcing us to like one character- all of a sudden, both "AVP" (which I loathe... obviously) and "Freddy Vs. Jason" (which I kind of liked [see DVD Review]) have seriously dropped (another) few stars.  

And I agree: "Frankenstien Meets The Wolfman" is the best (and I believe first) "Vs." film.  The best part: completely un-biased.  You almost feel bad for both monsters.  Did you notice at one point in "AVP" (towards the beginning), a surrvaillance room is shown filled with many computer monitors and one television screen- if you look at the TV, it is showing a scene from "Frankenstien Meets The Wolfman."

In fvsj you kinda knew Jason would win because throughout the film he seemed more like a good guy eventhough he killed some stupid kids, Freddy gets annoying since he can't fight. Jason is no better

I haven't seen Alien vs predator and have to admit the films weren't on my favorites list to begin with but they seem like they could have better fights than 5 knives vs 1 bigger knife

That's a good point baltis that can really ruin a movie. Freedy vs. Jason definitely could have been better and Predator a good guy....I don't think so!

Why didn't they make it good guy vs bad guy instead of evil vs evil?

I stand corrected. AVP made 38 million out of the box. So I guess the VERSUS movies will be around for a bit longer.

Can't wait to see Barney VS Elmo.

38 million on first weekend or total?? Well which ever it was it doesn't really matter because it was a waste of money to make in the first place. It's movie like this that make you kinda feel sorry for the producer...

It's also number 1 at the box office

That's so fucking bullshit right, we people are here trying to write originals stories with some deep shit in it, but then stupid stories get to have all the money and stuff :p

Calm down a little, what did you honestly expect? You have to get an agent first than go through all the fields of revisions and comments from your agent about the script.

All in all you'd be lucky to be like the guy who wrote Alien vs predator in 10 years unless you sell out like most of hollywood just to make a couple bucks

No I think it's rather funny :p
LETS MAKE SUPERMAN 13

If I were actually interested in selling something ever I'd sell out like the rest to help my financial position but I don't care about selling anything so all in all I'll watch these types of films and have faith that hollywood will try harder

True that's the thing, if you want to make cash, make some Hollywood script, en they'll eat it, make an unusual story with not much action, but great depth and stuff, and you're already sure it's not going to fill your bank account.

I kind of liked this one. Sure there's a shit-load of stuff wrong with it, but still. Though I guess I have to do what I did with Biohazard. Expect my version of Aliens Vs. Predator in the next couple of months. I've got a plot that ties into the original Alien movies a lot more than. . . well, the movie didn't fit into either series in any way.

And while we're at it, lets play the Resident Evil - AVP Comparison Game!

RESIDENT EVIL:
Colin Salmon plays a badass who's cut into cubes by a laser grid.
AVP:
Colin Salmon plays a badass who gets cut into cubes by a razor wire net.

RESIDENT EVIL:
Shots that transition from heat images to real life.
AVP:
Shots that transition from heat images to real life.

RESIDENT EVIL:
Medic's head it cut off and slowly slides off.
AVP:
Alien's head is cut off and slowly slides off.

RESIDENT EVIL:
Small group of people trapped in a laser hallway by doors that slide down.
AVP:
Small group of people trapped in the sacrificial chamber by doors that slide down.

RESIDENT EVIL:
Survivors run around in underground tunnels.
AVP:
Survivors run around in underground tunnels.

RESIDENT EVIL:
Survivors race through a tunnel at high speeds trying to escape being sealed in.
AVP:
Survivors race through a tunnel at high speeds trying to escape being blown up.

RESIDENT EVIL:
People state the obvious.
AVP:
People state the obvious.

RESIDENT EVIL:
For some reason, people bring guns into a locked down, underground office building (were they expecting zombies?)... yet still can't shoot for their lives.
AVP:
For some reason, people bring guns into a locked down, underground pyramid (were they expecting warring extraterrestrials?)... yet still can't shoot for their lives.

RESIDENT EVIL:
A film I've been waiting for for quite some time... only to be ruined by Paul W.S. Anderson.
AVP:
A film I've been waiting for for quite some time... only to be ruined by Paul W.S. Anderson (though slightly worse).

I agree...

Romero's screenplay for R.E. was great, it even used a set path thru the game and then onto his own creation.  I don't know what exactly these people were thinking here.  I heard somewhere that the creator of the videogame was very upset with the outcome of the final product of the R.E. movie and I heard that he isn't showing up for the R.E. 2 movie either.

I wouldn't be surprised.

I really liked Romero's script. Even the changes he made it was still real good.

Got a new one:

RESIDENT EVIL:
Idea taken from (the superior) "Cube": dicing grid trap.
AVP:
Idea taken from (the [far] superior) "Cube": shifting rooms.

where can I find romeros Resident evil script.

I actually have it somewhere... let me check.  I'll get back with ya.  It's fantastic and well worth the read.  It was what the game should have lived up to and what the movie wishes it could be.

J.D.

You can find it here:

http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/resident_evil_romero.html

Thank you R.E. I didn't have it after all.  Great screenplay though.  I actually got the feeling that maybe George Himself played the game a time or two.

While we're on the topic of the lacking "Resident Evil" film, tell me if you think this guy should be directing a zombie flick:

(This is an interview with Alexander Witt, director of "Resident Evil: Apocalypse."  I was saving it for my review of the "Resident Evil" Deluxe Edition DVD, but it is quite befitting with the topic at hand).

http://filmforce.ign.com/articles/539/539681p1.html

Looks like we may just have another Uwe Boll on our hands...

Christ, I pray I'm wrong!

I'm more than a little concerned. Acting as a second unit director on action movies is one thing, but helming a flick altogether is something entirely different.

All I can say is: Hollywood, how about you buy my script and make that? Please? Any of the five million RE fanfics out there would be a good movie, compared to RE1.

& 2 for that matter...

Yes -- and everyone knows that you can't go wrong with a third...

Well, here's my review of AVP, for those who care:

First off, the good: there's no Sigourney Weaver. Her story ended in Alien 3, and Alien: Resurrection proved that she should have been left dead. Well, thankfully, AVP doesn't throw together some bullshit story in an attempt to bring her back.

The battles between the aliens and Predators, while brief, and few and far between, are insane. Well, for the most part. When the final battle with the queen comes along I kind of thought I was watching the jeep chase from Jurassic Park, sans jeep and nowhere near as good.

The characters are a lot like Alien 3: they're mostly filler, you don't really get a chance to get to know them or like them. Which is a shame, cause I really wanted to like some of them. Ewan Bremner has always been and, I'm sure, will always be one of my favorite actors (he brings a weird off-beat thing to his characters) but here he was just more body count.

And what the hell was up with him and the climber guy? They're trapped for ten seconds and already they start the 'we can't give up' talk. Jesus Christ.

And, as SyCo said, I doubt the chestbursters are quite THAT fast (another example of one of my favorite characters being killed off way too soon, Rousseu). Which brings me to another negative: the blood.

The chest burster scene in Alien is one of the most brutal scenes of any movie I have ever seen, and remains one of my favorites to this day. Yet here, all we hear is some screaming and crunching. That's it. OFF CAMERA. The only real blood comes from a slash off camera.

Key phrase: OFF CAMERA.

Me, I'm an alien man. They are the coolest creatures in creation, hands down. But iAVP suffers from the same problems as Freddy Vs. Jason: they want you to like one character. I didn't want to like Jason, I wanted to root for Freddy! I had waited years for FVJ and they basically tell me how I'm supposed to feel. Well, same with AVP. When those suckers killed the first two predators, I cheered (as did a couple of other people in the theator, which makes you wonder when there are only six people in the theator and they're all rooting for the aliens. . .).

In the end, I look at this the same way I do Resident Evil. I don't watch it as Alien Vs. Predator, I watch it as a sci-fi action flick. While flawed (majorly) I still like this one (mostly because of the non-human characters).

***1/2 out of **** (what can I say, I love seeing aliens and predators beating the living shit out of each other).

Just saw this to day, and to be honest it was okay. Partially ruined by a group of sniggering nerds behind me but I was really hoping for something better. As freak said the favourite and best characters are killed off way too quickly Miller, Rosseau and Quinn were among my favourites and were killed way too quickly.

Then again so was Bill Paxton's character in Aliens. But this has gone on to inspire me to write my own much better version. Also check-out the Peter Briggs draft on the site, it's pretty good. Altho not formatted very well.

Every fanboy's wet dream turns into his worst nightmare.  Easily one of the worst films I have seen in a long time.  There was nothing I liked about the movie.  Yeah, it was nice to see the aliens and Predators back on the screen, but there was so much potential that was thrown away.  The only good thing I liked was a line when Lex, or whatever her name is, asks the gun-toting blonde chick why she's taking a gun.  The reply:  "Same principal as a condom.  I'd rather have one and not need it, then need it and not have one."  Yeah, I can relate to that. LOL  If Anderson, or Fox, would have cared about what the fans wanted to see, they could have made a pretty good movie, but instead we get what hit the theaters, a waste of time and money.  I left the theater and the first thing I asked the manager (good friend of mine) was if I could have my money back.  Total waste of film. >

This is one film both fanboys and non fans hated.
Paul WS Anderson is a hack, through and through.

Watched it.  Woulda been kinda enjoyable if they weren't trashing two of my favorite franchises.  Needed gore.  Needed good acting.  Needed good story.  Needed Aliens and Predators that looked like Aliens and Predators rather than CGI and and a bunch of dicks in bad costumes.  

As a sci-fi action flick, it was alright.  

Blashphemy - just kidding.
The problem with Anderson's version was it was simply too short and at times it seems he's more concerned with the gadgets then the characters.

I saw this a while back with my sibs. 2

2 of my sibs went to watch cellular or watever, and me and my older bro went to watch this piece of shit. I regret watching this lame movie, and wud rather watch the other 1. Wen it was time 4 our movie, we were the only one's in there. How embarrassing, but it was fun. I thot there was gonna be plenty of action, but there wasnt. It was actually kind of dumb, but o well.

I rate this **1/2 out of 5