Ah... another year, another bad video game adaptation from Uwe Boll.  Well, he has officially done the impossible.  Boll has actually managed to create a film that is by and large much worse than "House of the Dead."  And while it would be easy to say that I was biased going in (I have a personal hatred for Boll for his shclocky attitude towards his films), it is actually much easier to say this one is bad simply because it is truly an awful shit mongerer of a film.

This is normally the part where I would try to summarize the story.  Well, if you haven't heard by now, there is no God damn story to summarize!  At least with "HotD" you knew what was going on and you understood why certain characters where acting the way they were.  In this, there is not one single part where I had an iota of a clue as to what was going on.  First we see Slater's character of paranormal investigator Edward Carnby as he... does stuff.

Later, we are introduced to paleontologist Aline Cedrac (played by Tara Reid... I'll let you digest that one for a second).

She joins Carnby in doing stuff.  Then there's a love scene.  A love scene that at no point fits into the rest of the film.  Not only are the participants almost fully clothed throughout the ordeal, but there is also one of the strangest 80's-esque love songs playing.  The part is so random, that it is as if one fell asleep during the movie, dreamt up the love scene, and then awoke and began watching the flick again.

Stephen Dorff (where the hell has he been since "Blade?") pops up as Commander Richards (another great example why the script sucks: a main character doesn't even get a first name).  He also does stuff until the end when (in proper Boll fasion) he kills himself to save the group despite the fact that there is no reason for him to kill himself to save the group.  Finally, we are treated to a complete rip-off of "Resident Evil" that doesn't even make sense (there is a big difference between the words "evacuated" and "destroyed").

Some tips for Boll for his next piece of shit:

1.) Let go of the bullet-time effects; it's time to stop while you're ahead (or behind for that matter).

2.) Learn to read a script and know when it is good and when it sucks.

3.) For the love of God, if you are going to copy somebody's style, does it have to be Paul W.S. Anderson's?

4.) You're not George Lucas; avoid text-scrolls (especially ridiculously long ones as seen in the beginning of "AitD").

For all my complaining about this movie, I actually should reverse the position of the thumb icon.  I reccomend this for two reasons: 1.) it's one of the best unintenionally funny films in a long time and 2.) I reccomend this to any inspiring filmmaker who wants to know exactly what not to when creating a movie.

To fans of the game (which I never really got into) all I can say is that you probably won't want to see this.  Trust me, it will make you weep.

Movie: ZERO STARS out of ****

DVD Extras: ***1/2 out of ****

Not only do we get two featurettes, but we also get one of the funniest commentaries ever.  Listening to Boll not only butcher the English language but also saddling up on the defensive front is hillarious.  To anyone who has ever bashed Boll, I reccomend you pick this up just to hear how he explains some of his own crap (my favorite is the summary for the completely bull shit ending where he specifically names and attacks users of the imdb.com message boards).  Absolutely priceless.

Just a quick P.S.: I moved the "Alone in the Dark" discussion from the Movie Reviews Board to the DVD Reviews Board simply because of a lack of a review.  It is now titled "Alone in the Dark (Discussion)."

I'll have to pick this up for that exact reason, no DVD collection can be complete without both the good and wretched. The commentary sounds hilarious. If it's anything like his emails (which seem to be written in Engrish) I'll probably be rolling on the floor listening to it.

It's a shame he doesn't visit any of the other sites I visit, he probably would have mentioned me. I've posted some nasty stuff. Suffice to say, I've made a couple of detailed diagrams explaining just how much he sucks.

Yeah, he is a sounds like a complete whack-job. I love how he bitches and moans about how he pulled his career Vitamin B, aren't most of us Vitamin B?

Honestly he spends more time insulting people, then he does fixing his piss poor direction.

He sounds like some writers here, spends more time bashing others than writing there own work if any. I don't think people should waste money especially since it just gives studios a reason to say hey make a sequel for us.

Well I hope that doesn't happen, I'm really getting tired of watching average pg 13 rated flicks. IMDB is the scum of the universe, the people there do not respect anyone not even themselves. Being a member over there I now regret even finding that site, who wants there film on there? I hope nobody that is Kevin Smith checks his own board for himself, any of his cast and or films because those people are just simply pathetic excuses for human beings.

Yeah, but Uwe Boll is German... which means he is inherently evil... which means when he talks ill of faceless others it is funny.

It's simple physics, really.

I guess the you get what you give thing comes into play, I wouldn't piss on any member of IMDb's message boards if they were on fire. I'd purchase some marshmellows because scum burns nicely.

I guess it's also there own fault for expecting to much of people, don't imdb have moderators? If so they're worse than the members for not taking some of the crap that goes on down. That's what you get when the rules are thrown out, you wonder why Don keeps a tight lid on things around here with swearing and other stuff.

But still I enjoy your reviews, this the first film you ever gave a 0 to?

Umm, Wes, you do know I frequent IMDb, right?

Anyhow, I get your point, there are some genuine nice people on IMDb, you know. It's just over run with people who spend to much time complaining and not actually doing stuff.

Anyhow, so this post doesn't go to far off, I'm going to wait until this goes on blue before I rent it.  

Actually, the first and only film before this that I gave a ZERO to was "House of the Dead."  Ironic?

...

No, they just both really sucked.

what part of the commentary does he talk about imdb and shit

If I remember correctly, it was towards the end when he was talking about the "meaning" behind the ending.

could we like, redub this movie?

To bad "Mystery Science Theatre" isn't on anymore...

I would kill to have MST3K back on the air....

Really.  I would.


Phil

Alone in the Dark is a dark, deliberately paced, well-thought out horror thriller game, finding Edward Carnby trying to uncover the truth while facing an unexplained dark presence that threatens to drive him insane.

The movie, however, is pure garbage. I don't know how it's possible, but Uwe Boll found funding for this movie. Why is he still allowed within five miles of a movie set? How does he still find people willing to pay for his garbage work? Why does God hate video games so much?

Here's the story: We open with a title crawl that, according to Uwe Boll, was put in because test audiences didn't have a clue what the hell was going on. We then cut to an orphanage, then a ship out at sea, then to a plane, then to the ship again (where they have, in five minutes, made about two inches of progress). Or, was it plane, ship, museum, plane? Or plane, museum, ship, shit?

Either way.

Anyway, the story involves invisible demon dogs, mind controlled zombies, experimentation on orphans by a government agency, which is also trying to destroy the demon dogs, which are being controlled by one of the mind controlling zombies, who was doing the experiments at the orphanage in the first place, which is where an ancient race opened a gateway to hell and, rather than sealing it, constructed an elaborate gate with a key.

Why do they never just fill in the hole? Why always with the gates and keys?

Anyway, Christian Slater is Edward Carnby, the quote unquote 'hero' of the movie. I ask you this: how bad does your career have to be that when the literal toilet of the motion picture industry walks up to you and asks you to dive in head first, you enthusiastically say "Yes sir!" Meanwhile, Tara Reid is an apparent intelligent scientist. Hell, even Boll says she was miscast (and that's saying something). I don't know what to say about that, it's just bloody insane.

And did anyone else notice that this movie follows a number of the Rules of Macho Soldiers?

1. Soldiers must sacrifice themselves, even if it serves no purpose.
2. Soldiers may only say the following three phrases (or varients of): Move it! Let's go! That's it!
3. Soldiers cannot aim.
4. Soldiers cannot follow any guidelines set by any military body.

I wanted to smack a number of people.

Then the music. There is a fine line between referencing and outright plagarism. This guy crossed it. The main theme is a blatant copy of Elia Cmiral's excellent score from Ronin, and the deep percussion during a museum scene seems to a rip off of the similar themes from Millennium by composer Mark Snow.

Allow me to summarize my feelings in this delightful little picture I made:



For more fun check out http://www.uweboll.com/