Knowing that this had to end with RIP kind of ruined the arc as I knew dear old step-dad was going to get it in the end. Only to find that I was literally correct! Liked your use of RIP, although some will say that it doesn't qualify. I have to agree that his step-father fear really wouldn't qualify as a phobia either.

Good work - kudos for entering.

I agree with Mark.  It isn't a phobia if it's real life.  The stepdad was cliched and the clicked ending played out.

I can't add more.

Dan

Five Hour Energy drink - would have preferred just 'energy drink'. I don't know the specific brand, so that threw me.

He screams but his vocal chords donï¿¿t cooperate. - I liked that description.

BACK TO PRESENT -- END SCENE would have worked here better.

Pg 3: He screams but his vocal chords donï¿¿t cooperate. -- this worked the first time, not so much the second time. I liked the scene with the snakes though - it was interesting.

Again with BACK TO PRESENT -- this would mean we are going back (even though you have 'present') to the last scene - which was the bedroom, not the kitchen or so on.
COACH BELL
Okay... Hey Bobby... should I be
concerned with those bruises on
your legs? Did you think theyï¿¿d go
unnoticed in gym class?

^^ this seems off to me as he was just about calling him lazy and weak, but had noticed the bruising? And expects great things from him, which would mean that he is someone he would probably be looking after and not putting down like he was at first.

Jim screams but his vocal chords donï¿¿t cooperate. - I think for this you would still hear muffled screams, unless Bobby had done something like cut out Jims tongue - but that isn't specified.

Have to say that I didn't really like the ending on this one. The script is done by a competent writer, but the story doesn't seem too well thought through and very rushed in, I'd say. The phobia is also more of a trauma and revenge, not necessarily phobia in this one.

All in all - this one wasn't really for me, sorry.

RJ

Some brief notes while reading. They are just a few things I wanted to point out but note that I didn't jot down everything I saw.

laptop

a five hour energy drink

Back to Present following a dream scene makes the reader believe that we are returning to the previous scene in his bedroom so when we go to a classroom, it doesn't make immediate sense. No need for present when we were in a dream. That would work with a flashback. Make sure all slugs and scene transitions flow smoothly so the reader is never taken out of what takes place, not even for a second.

It seems that since his chair tipped over in the dream that his actual chair in school would tip over and startle Bobby awake so when that doesn't happen, I found myself puzzled.

His cheek being bruised should be noted at the very beginning when we see him in the scene the first time. Waiting to mention something like that later is very out of place.

When dialogue gets broken at end of page, the character's name needs to be listed again at the top of the next page to continue the dialogue.

The script is supposed to be about a fear of step-fathers but that didn't do it for me. Being afraid of an abusive stepfather is normal. Being afraid of all stepfathers would be unusual. If Bobby had been abused by a previous stepfather and now his mom has remarried, maybe to whom seems like a decent guy but yet Bobby is still terrified of him, the story could build off of that.

But as it is, it felt more like a hate Bobby had for his stepfather than a fear, which is the basis for the competition. I think it could have potential in future drafts but the story will need to be changed quite a bit if the writer wants to keep it revolving around a phobia. If the writer just wants a short script to market without the phobia angle, then this draft could be rewritten to make it more suspenseful. It also needs more emotion.

Bobby has major issues with step-day and solves them in a creative way. A creepy but satisfying way to get over his phobia.

I would have liked to see the stepfather introduced after the first fantasy sequence but before the second. As it stands, we don't get much information or context for the second fantasy that changes how we view it compared to the first one...it's kinda just two fantasy scares in a row.

Definitely in melodrama territory with the verbal abuse here. It might be scarier to see more sides to Jim, rather than just having him as a force of arbitrary, brute vitriol. (I'm not saying it isn't realistic, just that it wouldn't play realistic on screen in a short.)

"Did you think they'd go unnoticed in gym class?" doesn't seem like the sentence construction we'd get from Coach "Suck it up" Bell. I note the problem in particular because I think you're doing something interesting with the juxtaposition of these two male authority figures, but I'm not sure exactly what point is being made, and that problem is furthered when the Coach is inconsistent.

This is excellent visual storytelling and an effective story, and I think Freud would be pleased. Neither the stepfather nor the coach is given enough space to tease out all of the fears that come with being a young man and looking to older men for guidance. I would have liked to see the idea of the hunter father introduced earlier so that we had that concept throughout the short. Finally, I think the mother needs more moments, just pure visuals, to ground the way that this boy understand his family life and especially the violence that she suffers. But this is great work and I really enjoyed reading it. Cheers.

I think this one's phobia would be better understood as being about a fear of liquid or drowning or something. It's a dream metaphor, but it is the main fear.

A quick edit to say that I chose to read this one for the title, which promises good pulpy fun that the script more or less delivers. Brian De Palma could knock this one outta the park.

Not a fan of the title - too direct.

Is this a phobia?  Reads more like revenge on an abusive step-father.  Bobby’s actions, while brutal, don’t seem entirely irrational given the context.

Why was the coach only wearing boxers?  I couldn't quite understand whether he was a positive influence here or negative.

The dream sequences worked well enough - there’s plenty of imagination on display here.  I just wish the story didn’t feel so familiar.  I can understand there's satisfaction in the moment of revenge, but it could do with some deeper twist or fresh angle to explore, otherwise it falls to a formula of 90% pile suffering on main character before 10% them doing something equally as nasty to their tormentor.  It’s not for me, but that’s more down to personal preference.