Step Dads Beware by Owen Wade Castle - Adult, Short, Drama - A fourteen year old retaliates against an abusive step father. 10 pages - pdf, format

Vitricophobia - Fear of your stepfather

Hey writer,

Right, others may disagree, but I found this one a bit of a slog.

You clearly know how to write, you've got a nice style, so clarify the dream sequences when they pop up! Had to read them twice to figure out what was going on, confusing. A few typos and formatting issues also hidden in there, but overall it read well.

Phobia o'clock. I'm not sure that the kid has a phobia of step fathers, rather he's afraid of his own step father, and for good reason too. That's an issue for me.

Anyway, you clearly know how to write, it read reasonably well but I don't buy the overall phobia and I guess it wasn't my cup of tea.

Well done on entering,

Cam

Title page looks bad, with the name not being properly centered.

And the idea, here, a fear of stepdads, is rather weak...and weird, but let's see what we have here.

Opening passage is problematic and just not well written, sorry to say.  Using "average" as a character descriptor isn't a good choice.

No clue where this 2nd scene is coming from in a shower stall.  Then we go to a classroom?  WTF is going on?

Sorry, started skimming and there are just so many mistakes on every page, awkward writing, missing punctuation, incorrectly formatted dreams or whatever they're supposed to be.

On top of the writing, the story itself just doesn't work at all for what it's supposed to be.  The kid isn't scared of step fathers, he hates his abusive step father, which is not nearly the same thing.

Grade - *

I don't really get the feeling he has a phobia for his stepfather, rather, he just simply had enough of his crap and decided to deal with him. The other phobias present in this story are much clearer than the one the story is about.

There just wans't enough build up for me for the ending to really have a big impact, not saying that it sucked either. It was a good read and well written.

Sorry - didn't get it - read it twice.

SPOILERS

The fear of step father - really? He was getting the shit beat out of him - is that a phobia or merely a normal reaction to abuse.

I was totally lost in the water and blood sequences - couldn't find the logic thread. Somehow I think it is me - am i missing something?

A nit - but the first two character descriptions need work - they offered little and if that is the case you may go without anything other than age.

Just okay for me writing wise and I just couldn't find the thread of the story.

A nasty little short (which I dig), but lacked any real sense of danger or conflict.

Kid has a bad dream, wakes in class and teacher notices he has a bruise, kills stepfather.

There isn't a scene with he and his stepdad, or even a dramatic event that makes the kid realize he's had enough.

It would have been a bit more interesting if the kid really had a phobia of stepdads and murdered him even though his stepdad was a nice guy. Would have made the phobia more apparent rather than making it seem like a revenge story.

Good job though, and easy read with a vicious ending.

Good title... good logline.

OMG is it just me or does this thing skip from page 2 to page 9 with a blank page in between???? So for me it goes from the snakes to a guy lying on the ground ... like five pages are missing? Looks like I'm the only one having this problem with this script.

Sorry writer... I think I am missing something here.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Good title... good logline. OMG is it just me or does this thing skip from page 2 to page 9 with a blank page in between???? So for me it goes from the snakes to a guy lying on the ground ... like five pages are missing? Looks like I'm the only one having this problem with this script. Sorry writer... I think I am missing something here.

This has been fixed. Please note that I also posted the wrong draft and neglected to upload the most recent draft received. Those of you who have already reviewed, please note that the correct draft is substantially different and addresses many of the issues you brought up.

Apologies.

- Don

Ok I'll try this again

Good title and I'm good with the logline on this one.

The story jumps around a bit for me going from the shower thing then into the class room...then we get the snakes...

Not sure you have a real phobia here but maybe a hate and knack for revenge story instead. Some will probably have a problem with this.

The whole penis scrotum thing ... yuk. Me not like.

This was just ok for me. Needs clarity and more work. Characters need more work as well.... is to be expected in an OWC.

Good job for completing and entering.

Hey writer,

Took another go at this after the message from Don. You've got the dream sequences sorted out now, that's good, but I still stand by my initial assessment re the phobia, and how this is rather a fear of a certain individual.

Anyway, well done on entering,

Cam

This is a really interesting phobia you went after.
And you convinced me that it's a real phobia - so great job from me.
And it's nicely complicated.
Bobby is a well-drawn character. Jim is a bit one-dimensional for me but villains usually are that way.

The only thing I'll complain about is the dreams. They don't form a clear cut picture of what you want to accomplish with them. I mean their sequence and stories that you tell through dreams are kind of random for me. Not all - the last about the pennis and with Bob in them are wonderful and to the point.
Why name his dad Bob when he's Bobby? That's confusing.

Anyway, very good job I think. Thanks for entering.

Re-read based on note from Don.

A little clearer/crisper - still have the same core issues but around a half a grade better for me.

Hi.

Quoted Text Bobby’s mother MARGE (40) older looking than her age, exits the bathroom.

Not sure how we would know that she is older than she looks as all we will see is how old she looks.

Quoted Text MARGE Morning honey. Sleep okay?

Comma required every time you address someone directly in dialogue. So it would be “Morning, honey.”

Quite a lot of passive writing.

So I'm only up to page four but just like the script with the guy that has no immune system, this so far does not seem to meet the requirements of the challenge. Bobby should have a very rational fear of Jim, he is an abusive bastard, who wouldn’t be afraid, I sure as hell would.

Holy crap, that took a turn for the worst, brutal.

Original with the rest in pee, but does it meet the parameters? I don’t think so.

No phobia, no RIP; this isn’t a contender for me.

I did enjoy the brutality at the end, just my kind of thing.

All the best.

Re-read this and definitely felt more that it was about Bobby going insane rather than the slice of life/revenge story I had originally thought it was.

And it's even nastier in it's correct form.

However, it still feels like a revenge story rather than a phobia about stepfathers. I would love to see this re-written with Jim being a decent guy rather than the typical stepfather/stepmother villain.

I enjoyed this a heck of a lot more in it's full form. Great job!

I didn't buy this as a phobia. He was terrified of his stepfather because his stepfather was abusing him and his mother mentally and physically. That's not a phobia, it's a natural reaction!

His stepfather was stereotypical cliche abusive stepfather. There was only one-dimension to him, as was the mother.

The dream sequences, followed by getting into trouble at school because of tiredness became repetitive and I found myself skipping. However, I will say this. The dream sequences showed imagination.

The revenge at the end escalated from no-where really. This would work better if we saw his gradual progression from victim to predator. Instead it's like 'WHAM', he just goes Norman Bates suddenly.

Not one for me, sorry.

-Mark

Knowing that this had to end with RIP kind of ruined the arc as I knew dear old step-dad was going to get it in the end. Only to find that I was literally correct! Liked your use of RIP, although some will say that it doesn't qualify. I have to agree that his step-father fear really wouldn't qualify as a phobia either.

Good work - kudos for entering.

I agree with Mark.  It isn't a phobia if it's real life.  The stepdad was cliched and the clicked ending played out.

I can't add more.

Dan

Five Hour Energy drink - would have preferred just 'energy drink'. I don't know the specific brand, so that threw me.

He screams but his vocal chords donï¿¿t cooperate. - I liked that description.

BACK TO PRESENT -- END SCENE would have worked here better.

Pg 3: He screams but his vocal chords donï¿¿t cooperate. -- this worked the first time, not so much the second time. I liked the scene with the snakes though - it was interesting.

Again with BACK TO PRESENT -- this would mean we are going back (even though you have 'present') to the last scene - which was the bedroom, not the kitchen or so on.
COACH BELL
Okay... Hey Bobby... should I be
concerned with those bruises on
your legs? Did you think theyï¿¿d go
unnoticed in gym class?

^^ this seems off to me as he was just about calling him lazy and weak, but had noticed the bruising? And expects great things from him, which would mean that he is someone he would probably be looking after and not putting down like he was at first.

Jim screams but his vocal chords donï¿¿t cooperate. - I think for this you would still hear muffled screams, unless Bobby had done something like cut out Jims tongue - but that isn't specified.

Have to say that I didn't really like the ending on this one. The script is done by a competent writer, but the story doesn't seem too well thought through and very rushed in, I'd say. The phobia is also more of a trauma and revenge, not necessarily phobia in this one.

All in all - this one wasn't really for me, sorry.

RJ

Some brief notes while reading. They are just a few things I wanted to point out but note that I didn't jot down everything I saw.

laptop

a five hour energy drink

Back to Present following a dream scene makes the reader believe that we are returning to the previous scene in his bedroom so when we go to a classroom, it doesn't make immediate sense. No need for present when we were in a dream. That would work with a flashback. Make sure all slugs and scene transitions flow smoothly so the reader is never taken out of what takes place, not even for a second.

It seems that since his chair tipped over in the dream that his actual chair in school would tip over and startle Bobby awake so when that doesn't happen, I found myself puzzled.

His cheek being bruised should be noted at the very beginning when we see him in the scene the first time. Waiting to mention something like that later is very out of place.

When dialogue gets broken at end of page, the character's name needs to be listed again at the top of the next page to continue the dialogue.

The script is supposed to be about a fear of step-fathers but that didn't do it for me. Being afraid of an abusive stepfather is normal. Being afraid of all stepfathers would be unusual. If Bobby had been abused by a previous stepfather and now his mom has remarried, maybe to whom seems like a decent guy but yet Bobby is still terrified of him, the story could build off of that.

But as it is, it felt more like a hate Bobby had for his stepfather than a fear, which is the basis for the competition. I think it could have potential in future drafts but the story will need to be changed quite a bit if the writer wants to keep it revolving around a phobia. If the writer just wants a short script to market without the phobia angle, then this draft could be rewritten to make it more suspenseful. It also needs more emotion.

Bobby has major issues with step-day and solves them in a creative way. A creepy but satisfying way to get over his phobia.

I would have liked to see the stepfather introduced after the first fantasy sequence but before the second. As it stands, we don't get much information or context for the second fantasy that changes how we view it compared to the first one...it's kinda just two fantasy scares in a row.

Definitely in melodrama territory with the verbal abuse here. It might be scarier to see more sides to Jim, rather than just having him as a force of arbitrary, brute vitriol. (I'm not saying it isn't realistic, just that it wouldn't play realistic on screen in a short.)

"Did you think they'd go unnoticed in gym class?" doesn't seem like the sentence construction we'd get from Coach "Suck it up" Bell. I note the problem in particular because I think you're doing something interesting with the juxtaposition of these two male authority figures, but I'm not sure exactly what point is being made, and that problem is furthered when the Coach is inconsistent.

This is excellent visual storytelling and an effective story, and I think Freud would be pleased. Neither the stepfather nor the coach is given enough space to tease out all of the fears that come with being a young man and looking to older men for guidance. I would have liked to see the idea of the hunter father introduced earlier so that we had that concept throughout the short. Finally, I think the mother needs more moments, just pure visuals, to ground the way that this boy understand his family life and especially the violence that she suffers. But this is great work and I really enjoyed reading it. Cheers.

I think this one's phobia would be better understood as being about a fear of liquid or drowning or something. It's a dream metaphor, but it is the main fear.

A quick edit to say that I chose to read this one for the title, which promises good pulpy fun that the script more or less delivers. Brian De Palma could knock this one outta the park.

Not a fan of the title - too direct.

Is this a phobia?  Reads more like revenge on an abusive step-father.  Bobby’s actions, while brutal, don’t seem entirely irrational given the context.

Why was the coach only wearing boxers?  I couldn't quite understand whether he was a positive influence here or negative.

The dream sequences worked well enough - there’s plenty of imagination on display here.  I just wish the story didn’t feel so familiar.  I can understand there's satisfaction in the moment of revenge, but it could do with some deeper twist or fresh angle to explore, otherwise it falls to a formula of 90% pile suffering on main character before 10% them doing something equally as nasty to their tormentor.  It’s not for me, but that’s more down to personal preference.