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I had a frustrating day at work and needed something to turn my mood around. I saw your name on this and I had to read it. I wasn’t disappointed. Thank you.
I love the double twist. I admit that I wasn’t completely surprised but delighted nonetheless. This was a nice read and put me in a Hallmark mood.
I read through the comments and may have a couple of things to add.
You use O.C. (Off Camera) instead of O.S. (Off Screen). I have seen a comment for a different script where it was pointed out that O.C. is archaic and mostly used for television. Personally, I don’t think it makes a difference although I did swap out all my O.C.s for O.S.s in something I wrote and I have used O.S. since. I thought I would share that.
On page 15, there is a line from Mr. Nelson, “Yes your honor. If it please the court, this is…” I think it should read, “Yes your honor. May it please the court, this is…”
I noticed that you like to bold your scene headers. I also noticed that on page 33 and at the top of page 46, there are headers that you didn’t bold. I don’t know if that was intentional, but I thought I would point it out in case it wasn’t.
I didn’t find any typos. I look forward to your next story.
Thank you so much, Michael. You know how much I value your reviews. You're right about "O.S." vs. "O.C." . I've seen both used, but it's never a bad idea to go with current trends. I need to do another run through of this, so I'll correct that and also the scene headers that need bolding - I somehow missed a couple. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. As I told "Shakespeare on Toast", it was written from my own experience of finding my birth family through the magic of DNA, so this one is close to my heart. Thanks again for the read. I appreciate it more than I can say.
Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC)
Kathy, I breezed through this with not a lot of scrutiny but note a couple of minor things, spaces missing in a slug or two etc.
I notice you FADE OUT at one point and didn't FADE UP again.
The room buzzes with LAWYERS and STAFF preparing for yet another day of legal battles. SARAH ELLIS, (late 20s) a paralegal, a little frumpy perhaps, sits at her desk which is currently overrun with Christmas DECOR - a small tacky tree, an elf on the shelf, cheap tinsel strung about. Sarah plainly loves Christmas. She “oohs and ahhs” over some image on her smartphone. A YOUNG WOMAN (late 20s) approaches; professional, polished. This is E. MARGARET “MEGGIE” PEARSON, she carries a legal file in one hand, briefcase in the other. She stops to take in the sight. Sarah is not only her assistant but her friend and confidant.
I would definitely split that para (considering it's introductions) of two separate characters. Not to mention your main character (star) deserves an intro para of her own.
I wonder about this line towards the end, if 'one' is a typo.
MEGGIE And for once you were one time. He's late a lot, right? On time?
If Hallmark hasn't called you yet they should. Very nicely done. And not a Nurse in sight.
Thank you so much for the read, Libby. You are spot on right about that rambling paragraph introducting two characters - especially the "star". I will go back and split that up as suggested. Great point. And yes, that's a typo, so I'll correct that one while I'm going back over. Thanks for catching that. These reviews are absolutely priceless and I appreciate your keen eye for detail - it sure helps to polish a script. There's a term we use in the horseshow world - barn blind. It simply means that one usually has trouble finding fault with something you have created, groomed and loved. Same applies to scripts. They definitely need an objective eye cast on them. Again, appreciate you so much!
Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC)
I thought I'd post yet another trailer done for me by Mea Via Productions. This one for "Happy Holi-DNA". I don't know that it entirely portrays the holiday connection of the script, but I do feel having a visual product is a plus in marketing scripts. I had a producer from a major streaming company (40+ completed and aired projects) request to read the script last week, so it's now in his hands. Holding my breath and awaiting the verdict. I did go back an implement the suggestions above into the new and improved script. Also, I just received notice from yet another producer that my submission of "With Love, From Romance" has moved to the "elevated consideration" level, so I'm waiting anxiously to hear further on that one too. In the end, script writing is just another "hurry up and wait" endeavor, frequently stretching over years. I suppose patience and dogged determination are both virtues, right? Thanks in advance for any prayers or positive thoughts for a successful outcome for one or preferably both!
Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC)
I think 'the power of love' in the wording of the voice-over would have worked better to finish with, but hey, everyone's a critic, right?
Kathy, that is amazing news re your producing leads. Prayers, good thoughts, crossed fingers, touch wood, rabbit's foot, the lot.
Btw, did these producers contact you from seeing your work here?
Thanks for the well wishes, Libby. One script was a submission to an Inktip lead and the other through Network ISA, both searching for Holiday scripts suitable for streaming providers. One specified they wanted Holiday scripts but NOT Christmas. Fine! I had one centered around Valentine’s Day! So now we wait…..
Scripts Available: Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama) Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama) Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance) Let That Pony Run (Family Drama) With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance) Essex (Historical Drama)
Shorts: Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice) Death (OWC) Savior (OWC)