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Hey folks I'm new around here so I'll start this with a great, big, bold HI!!!
And now that I've made your acquaintance, I'll get to the point.
I'm penning down my first screenplay. Thing is I'm getting confused with all the advice and guidelines on dialogue. Some people say that dialogue should be real but not real enough; others say that dialogue must be straight to the point; one other group says slang should be avoided as often as possible; but another group pops up and says "use slang".
Now my dialogue tends to be as "real" as possible -- of course without the stutters and the "umms" and the "uhhs", and with minimal use of slang. I read the lines out loud and they come out just fine. But... I don't know... I just keep getting stuck with dialogue. I just feel like something's missing...
It's really one of those things that's hard to give pointers on without seeing something. Actually it's hard to tell somebody how to write dialogue on the whole, at least in my experience, but I'll give it a shot.
Hey AHK, that dialgog isn't very realistic. It jumps around and doesn't flow. It's also very "on the nose". Read it out loud, you'll see what I mean. My advice is write what sounds natural. How do you talk?
Hmm...Structurally, I don't see too much wrong with it, but I do think they could be condensed. I've got a general idea of what's going on without the description, and nothing appears to be too on the nose, so that works out pretty well. Here's how I would write them. Hopefully it'll help.
INT. OLD HOUSE - HALL - DAY
GABE Morning Adam. Been a long time.
ADAM How'd you find me?
GABE I have my methods.
ADAM What do you want?
GABE Can I come in?
INT. OLD HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
GABE So, October fourth is just a complete blur to you?
ADAM Why? What's going on?
GABE Death, Adam. Murder, to be more specific.
ADAM Murder? Are you accusing me of something?
GABE No, nothing like that. I'm here to help.
ADAM What are you talking about?
GABE There's been a lot of problems with the big boys since you left. They had no idea your leaving would have that much impact. It hit the foundations hard and ate away their strength like a disease. You know how people fight a disease right? They annihilate it.
I cut it there because I'm assuming that Adam bites the bullet in this scene, and had I known that to be 100% true, I would have made "They annihilate it" an entirely different piece of dialogue in order to add in a little bit of suspenseful description. If he doesn't I would have gone in yet another direction.
Anyway, this is just a quick and dirty way of how I would do things, and I'd probably switch things around from here if I had the descriptions, but I think it's enough to help.. In response to your earlier questions...
Dialogue being realistic but not too realistic basically translates to "not boring". You want it to flow and be similar to everyday talk, but with less detail. keep it clean, simple, and in line with the character. It needs to be straight to the point like another person told you, but not "on the nose" or expository.
Slang is fine, but I would use it in moderation. The level of moderation depends on the character speaking. A white collar executive wouldn't use as much slang as a pimp on the street.
Probably the reason for the weird jumping around is because the action descriptions were removed. Were they removed? The dialogue isn't that bad, a bit on the melodramatic side, but ok. What is the context for this scene? It would be helpful if we were introduced to the characters. Are they older, younger?
I completely and totally disagree with you on the "on the nose" part. On the nose dialogue is more or less completely ridiculous attempts at cramming as much backstory/story into the script as you can in just a few short lines. Example....
GUY 1 I can't believe you get to test video games!
GUY 2 Yeah, and I can't believe that I was able to get away with stealing this super top secret game from the company I work for!
GUY 1 I just hope they don't send a couple of hitmen to our house to brutally murder us for doing it.
GUY 2 Don't worry about that, I'll just take them out with my mad kung fu skills! Did you forget I'm a black belt that trained in Japan for four years!
To add what Mike is saying about On the nose dialogue, I remember listening to the commentary for the Simpsons season 4 DVD during this scene:
Homer and the family drives up to the convention center.
HOMER Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture.
LISA We know, Dad.
HOMER I just thought I'd remind everybody. After all, we did agree to attend this self-help seminar.
BART What an odd thing to say...
Conan then talks about sitcom exposition and on the nose dialogue. Like when the son crashes his dad's car and we cut to the dinner table and someone bursts out:
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CRASHED YOUR DAD'S CAR!
As if they wouldn't have discussed it already on the way home, waiting for the tow-truck, while dinner was being made. It's ridiculous but a convention within that genre. But it is pandering to an audience who might not have the tenacity to stick with the show all the way through, so if you just joined you know the gist of the scene.
"The Flux capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible."
Hey, AHK. I know how you feel. From the amount of studying I have done you can only take advice from people for so long before you just have to create your own style. It is hard to tell what works and what doesn't (though the things that have been said here by these seasoned veterans is on the nose, ha ha).
If I had read the script to Juno on this site I would have stopped reading in the first few pages because of all the High School speak. I almost walked out of the theater when I went to see it. The point is, everyone has a style and what we're all giving here is a matter of opinion. It should be taken to heart because everyone here genuinely wants everyone else here to succeed (like I said, I'm new too but I have been given some excellent advice in my exchanges with writers like Shelton and Zack).
I would like to have a read and offer my opinion but I did not see any dialogue posted. Feel free to send it my way and I'll do what I can.
And it never hurts to read other scripts and review. They may give you ideas.
Another tip I read somewhere that might help: Tape a few conversations between people in real life, and write them out to get a feel how 'real' dialog feels.
(don't blackmail people with the tape though )
.:An optimist is nothing but a badly informed pessimist:.
I think judging the quality or natural flow of dialouge can be very difficult. The interpretation changes hugely depending on the reader. As the writer you know better than anyone else what your character sounds like and how they speak, so if the dialouge seems to flow smoothly when you (the writer) reads it through, then I think you should trust your own judgement over anyone elses.
THE LONG ROAD NORTH A bestselling author makes a chilling discovery as he searches for inspiration.
The advice I will give here is that dialogue should give the illusion of reality, but it often isn't like reality at all. So I know it sounds like lame advice.
Dialogue needs to be crafted in such a way that it illuminates the character's dramatic needs and subtle impulses. Any stalls, stutters or natural kinds of inflections etc. are good things to use when crafting, but they must not be pasted on. They should only be used if they are true to the character you are writing.
In many ways, our TV generations have probably been conditioned to accept a kind of canned dialogue that appears regularly in various kinds of genres. Kids might not notice it, but adults can have good laughs at all of the swift remarks that most people aren't capable of.
I guess my advice is to try and take the essence of reality and condense it down into a shorter time frame. Listen to real dialogue, cut it down a bit, highlight some mannerisms and you might be closer to what you need.
The big thing to remember, IMHO, is that people do not speak grammatically correct. They may write it, sometimes, but the only time they speak like this is when they're behind a podium, lecturing.
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