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Repetitive looking at objects (currently 790 views)
mcornetto
Posted: December 24th, 2008, 12:07am
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I'm having an issue in a script where I have character that does repetitive glances at an object. He does it a bunch of times. It's not a double-take so I would be uncomfortable calling it that. It looks more like this. He glances at the kitchen door, then back to the plate, then back to the kitchen door, then back to the plate. I'm trying to indicate his POV here and at least to me this repetitive looking is important to the scene. I'm not sure there is anything wrong with the way I have written it, it just seems to me that it would be repetitive to read. He does this more than once in the same scene because he is trying to figure something out. So I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how else I might approach it.
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: December 24th, 2008, 12:27am
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you've written it. If his action is repetitive, of course it's gonna read that way on page. --Julio
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Zombie Sean
Posted: December 24th, 2008, 12:43am
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I would probably write it as: He looks at the kitchen door, then the plate. The door. The plate. If you wanted it to go on for a while, I'd probably add on "Back to the door, then back to the plate" or "Back and forth, back and forth" after "The door. The plate." But the way you've written it seems fine. Sean
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Reply: 2 - 9
Shelton
Posted: December 24th, 2008, 11:42am
Of The Ancients
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I would probably do something similiar to Sean as well, but go three times, with each one getting shorter. BOB'S POV He glances at the kitchen door, then the plate. The door. The plate. Door. Plate.
Shelton's IMDb Profile "I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
Reply: 3 - 9
population17
Posted: December 27th, 2008, 7:08pm
I like the way Shelton put it. It has the repetition of the action but IN ONE SENTENCE it builds tension between THE CHARACTER, THE OBJECTS and pushes the sequence closer to resolution. Nice question and nice replies. Brad
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George Willson
Posted: December 28th, 2008, 1:14pm
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Here's another thought. I don't know if anything else is going on during these repetitive glaces, but if it does, this would also be very clear: INT KITCHEN Joe repetively glances at the kitchen door, then back to the plate. JOE I don't know what happened. THE DOOR. JOE She just... THE PLATE. JOE ...you know how girls can be... THE DOOR. JOE ...she went to the...um... THE PLATE. JOE ...well, after that third Dr. Pepper, I just didn't recognize her anymore. Joe bawls uncontrollably. At the door, a girl pops her head in through the doogie door, drooling with a huge smile on her face.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 28th, 2008, 1:28pm
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?
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Establish the underlying context before writing his POV. Even if it's not cinematic and is an aside of some sort. His whole world is swallowed up by two lifeless things. One for eating, one for passing through and his attention shifts back and forth four times. Door. Plate. Door. Plate. Hope this helps, Sandra
A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: December 28th, 2008, 2:37pm
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I wrote something similar towards repeating a action. What about putting "Door. Plate. His glances at the door and plate continues on". Is that ok?
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: December 28th, 2008, 3:22pm
Of The Ancients
What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?
Location Bowden, Alberta
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I wrote something similar towards repeating a action. What about putting "Door. Plate. His glances at the door and plate continues on". Is that ok?
Yes, I think it works. It all works I think. It's just a matter of how Michael wants the scene to feel.
Sandra
A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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George Willson
Posted: December 28th, 2008, 6:27pm
Of The Ancients
Doctor who? Yes, quite right.
Location Broken Arrow
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However it's clear to the reader would honestly be the best way to write it. If you can read it and understand what's going on, then you've nailed it.
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