Matt Among The Pigeons by M Lancaster - Series, Horror, Comedy - Hell hath no fury like a pigeon scorned  Pound for pound, the pigeon is one of the smartest, most physically adept creatures in the animal kingdom. It was only a matter of time before they became a threat.    - rtf, format

Matt Among The Pigeons: Episode 2 by M Lancaster (Requiem) - Series, Horror, Comedy - Matt arrives home after one of the worst mornings of his life only to discover his nightmare is just beginning. - rtf, format

Thanks Don.

This is episode 1 of 3. I had planned to write this as a feature but decided to release it in parts to get some feedback as I go along. Episode 2 is already complete and I'll submit it in a week or so. Once all the episodes are up I'll probably rewrite it as a feature based on the feedback I get.

Hope you enjoy

I knew this one was coming from previous posts, and was curious enough to have a look at it right away.  It’s pretty good, too, for such a silly subject (and I don’t mean that in a bad way).  Your writing flows well, it’s easy to read, and it’s nice (and all too rare) when somebody has taken the time to fish out the typos.

Here are some thoughts (and spoilers) on your work in progress:


*  I just don’t know about that title.  Keep thinking.  If something brilliant comes to me I’ll post it, but you might ask some of the clever folks around here for input. They’ve got a comment for everything, you know?
*  While this is kind of an absurdist piece, that thing with Tammy shooting Matt…that’s assault, man, and the subsequent interactions between Matt and Gloria rang pretty false. You should pump up the confrontation between these two instead of having them play so nice together.  Conflict is always more interesting than people getting along, and you should use it whenever you can.
*  Matt’s boner is from the pills, right?  That point is not clear (and even less clear if it's not the pills), but more importantly, he should ingest these pills by accident.  Like, in his cereal or something.  Why on earth would he take random pills on purpose?
*  I really like the sign at the pub.  It seems real.  I’ll bet you saw that somewhere, didn’t you?
*  This piece is solid, and a fun read, with a slowly building sense of dread.  But here is the main problem I’ve got.  We are 30 pages into it, but still kind of clueless.  Our central conflict has not yet materialized, and I am feeling that we should know a little more by this point.  Part II should get around to establishing these things pretty quick.  I look forward to checking it out.

Thanks Bert, I appreciate your comments.

You're right about the Gloria convo, I actually already made changes to this since submitting but I think I'll make some more.

I agree about the title too, it could be better but it's just a working title for now.

I thought I'd hinted at the whole thing with the pills being Dave's viagra but I guess it needs a lttle more. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll work on it in my next draft.

I can see how it feels a bit directionless at the moment but the second part has a somewhat clearer direction and I've got a few changes to make to this episode which give the characters more depth,  purpose and motivation

Pretty soon I'll submit an updated episode 1 as well as episode 2.

Absurd and silly was my goal with this one, and if you think this is absurd, things get a whole lot whackier in part 2  

Thanks for reading

Professional script-readers are only required to read the first ten pages before they make a decision.  But if the wording's tight and the voice is interesting, they'll read the entire script before they make a decision.  I don't claim to be professional of any sort, so I only read the first page, and then I skimmed random parts of dialogue throughout the script, and I can tell that you have talent.  You format well.  Your wording is tight, and your voice is interesting.  Plus, the concept sounds fun.  If I were a producer, those merits alone would assure me that I wouldn't be taking a risk to greenlight this project.  In other words, you're a good writer, and I wish you luck!

Thanks Alan. That means a lot, especially coming from someone with almost legendary status on these boards.

I admit I haven't read Banana Chan yet but I hear nothing but good things. I did read the first chapter of your novel and found it refreshingly different. I'll try and read the rest when I get time. Not enough hours in the day...

thanks again

Okay fellas, episode 2 is up. I'd appreciate any feedback. A revised version of episode one is on the way but there was a problem with the upload. Hopefully it'll be up soon.

thanks

Req:

Pulled this up to take a look and something weird has happened to the file.

It's so skinny.  I am sure this is not how you intended it to look.

It's not completely unreadable, though, and I'll get around to this soon, fixed or not.  Just thought you should know.

Yeah, i noticed already. I've sent Don an email and I'll resubmit if necessary.

Strange that the first script I've written in Final Draft ended up with dodgy formatting

Ok ok, I read the first one, and I've got to say, made me laugh a lot, but I do see some things that bothered me.  Those things are that this whole thing is Shaun of the Dead with Pigeons...not to be rude, but even the best friend is a pot smoker named Ed, just like in Shaun of the Dead.  Shaun loses his girlfriend too, and travels around in his suit as well, the erection thing is original and funny, but it's sorta like the "You've got red on you thing."  It's also in the UK if I am not mistaken, just like Shaun of the Dead.  With a pub and all, it is really cool how much Matt Among the Pigeons is like Shaun, it is cool to look at both, I think this is Exellent!  Keep them coming I Love Shaun of the Dead and am a big fan of British comedy, and this seems good, well time to read the second.

Thanks for reading TC, I hadn't really thought about similarities to Shaun of the Dead until you mentioned it. I can see what you mean though.

The Ed character is actually based on a real friend of mine right down to the his physical description and the way he talks. I suppose I could rename him.

It's set in the UK because I am from the UK. I haven't lived anywhere else (except Germany) so couldn't really set it elsewhere.

Arghh, now you've mentioned Shaun of the Dead, I'm seeing more and more similarities. It's over a year since I saw that movie but I'm thinking maybe it subconsciously influenced me. Definitely something work around for the rewrite.

Thanks for taking the time to comment

NO NO!! Don't rewrite! It is good, it is like a parody of a parody.  It is really good!  Just sorta don't go towards that way as much in further Matt Among the pigeons, it is very good.  And when I write I look back at Shaun of the Dead and use stuff from it too, it is an excellent film, my Second favorite of all time!  I base all my best friend character in my scripts to my real best friend, who is just like Ed from Shuan, other than the drugs, and he is chunky and looks just like Nick Frost.  People say I act like Simon Pegg (Shaun for those who don't know)  other than the fact I'm not blond and I have a ton of hair, and can't grow facial hair.

Thanks but eventually I will rewrite it. This was only posted as first draft to gauge a bit of public opinion since it's my first attempt at anything resembling comedy.

Part 3 is well underway but that won't be the end of it. I plan to leave this for a few weeks and then tie it together as a feature, time permitting.

This is a wacky, little story, man. But somehow, it's working. Go figure. It helps that this episode is heavier on the blood and guts.

Some spoilers follow:



I have to retract my earlier problems with Tammy. She makes a perfect foil for these two, and has emerged as my favorite character. I didn't see this coming at all, which also makes it nice. She had better survive, man, or I'll be pissed.

You need to reign Ed in a bit, though. He is supposed to be a little over the top, sure, but you are taking him too...um..."high", you know? And he definitely needs to find something besides drain cleaner to drink in the basement. Absurd is fine, but that detail is too much. He would be so dead, even in this strange universe you are creating.

I had my doubts when you first pitched this, but I am really looking forward to seeing where you go with this.

Quoted from bert Absurd is fine, but that detail is too much. He would be so dead, even in this strange universe you are creating.

I think that Ed would pull it off high the entire thing, High people think clear something believe it or not, my cousin(s) are stoners (ALL OF THEM)  They think pretty clear sometimes and feel little pain.  But who am I to prove you wrong Bert?

I think Bert's point was about the drain cleaner with it being highly toxic and all. I wasn't sure about including that myself. It's basically a placeholder til I can think of something funnier.

I'm glad you're enjoying this Bert, and thanks for reading. I can feel it spiralling out of control as I'm writing it. I keep having to reel it in and get back on track. It's very helpful to get some feedback along the way.

Part 3 may take a while and I doubt it will be the final part as I previously thought

Quoted from TC Taylor I think that Ed would pull it off high the entire thing, High people think clear something believe it or not

Umm...case in point?

Just teasing, man.

The too high thing was a pun (over the top / too high), get it?  You'll get no hypocritical judgements from this corner

My main point was that, yeah, drain cleaner will kill you.

My tiny southern brain miss it completly  My bad

I just finished part one and look forward to two.  I'd like to make a couple of suggestions.

Stretch out his life going down the tubes a little bit.  Having Matt lose both his girlfriend and his job in the same episode is a bit much.  Perhaps you can show him at the verge of losing his job (receiving his final warning as it was).  He can get fired in the second episode as he tries to reconcile with Amy.

The whole thing with the pellet gun seemed too non-challant for me.  The girl shoots a pellet gun at Matt regularly and Mom is just interested in grabbing his ass.    Maybe it's just not Matt's style, but a rock through the window would cure the girl of her behavioral problems.

The Prophet could be an interesting character, though I'm not sure how just yet.

The conversation at the end between Matt and Ed does a lot to define Ed.  It shows that he's more than just a stoner.  He should stay like this, where he'll have an occasional bit of wisdom to share.

I'm not sure where you're going with this series, but I could easily see this as something both comical and dark (like Buffy the Vampire Slayer).  Looking forward to part two.


Phil

Thanks for your comments, Phil, much appreciated.

You're right about the pellet gun incident, I believe Bert picked me up on that too. I did submit a revised draft with a rewrite of that scene but I don't think it was ever updated on here. Also, the reason he doesn't retaliate is somewhat explained in part two.

I did worry about cramming too much into part one but I wanted to get to the pigeons by the end of act one. I'll work on that when I get around to tying it all together as a feature.

As for the Prophet, we'll have to wait and see. I have a few ideas.

Glad you enjoyed it, Phil

I wouldn't say that you were cramming everything in there.  I'm just saying that you shouldn't fire Matt right off the bat.  Have him work at a frustrating job a bit before he's sacked.


Phil

Just bumping this up in case anyone else wants to read it. I've almost finished writing this up as a feature entitled 'The Coop'. Quite a few things have changed since I submitted it here but any more feedback on this early draft would be much appreciated.

Hey, that's cool.

I seem to recall it took 30+ pages before we had a sense of where this story was going, so be sure that got tightened up a bit.

And a new title...thank god!  M.A.T.P. always sounded like a children's book to me.

Thanks Bert, I'll keep that in mind.

It seems there is still a problem with the format of episode two due to it being an rtf file. I've resubmitted both episodes as one html file so it should be up soon.

Martin,

Just finished reading 'Matt among the Pigeons', and I really enjoyed it.  I was going to suggest combining the two and turning it into a feature, but once I went back and looked at the board I saw that you had already intended to do it, so no good advice there.

When he came out of his house and noticed all of the bird droppings I started to think about the scene in Mel Brooks' 'High Anxiety', and I was just waiting for something like that to happen.  No dice, but you did introduce the Tammy character, who is well written.

I definitely see comparisons to 'Shaun of the Dead', and obviously 'The Birds', but the combination of the two works well together.  Overall, the story kept me interested, and I look forward to reading the last chapter.

Matt Among The Pigeons is now The Coop