I see the points you're making. The only problem is your example above and what you're imagining isn't exactly what I've written. Nowhere are punches thrown.

The struggle itself is maybe 20 seconds. If that.

You definitely could pull off a mask from that position. Not Impossible.

And at the point of recognition, the struggle halts for a moment. Depending on position, you could strike someone.

But heed your points and all appreciated and considered.

Quoted from JimiLamp The only problem is your example above and what you're imagining isn't exactly what I've written. Nowhere are punches thrown.

Then what is meant by 'clocking him'? In what way is he clocked?

Meant your example wasn't really the scenario that was written. Adam isn't on top of Victor pummeling him. But I do see your point. Definitely keep it mind when rewriting.

Quoted from JimiLamp Meant your example wasn't really the scenario that was written. Adam isn't on top of Victor pummeling him. But I do see your point. Definitely keep it mind when rewriting.

I didn't say he was pummelling him.

Adam is on top of Victor... you wrote that. Here it is again:

Code Victor leaps out and knocks the gun out of Adam’s hand. They struggle, fall to the ground--

So they both fall to the ground.

Code Adam flips Victor on his back and straddles him. He wraps his hands around Victor’s throat--

Adam is so strong he flips Victor onto his back, then straddles him. So his knees will be either side of Victor's ribs. For some reason, Adam begins choking Victor... when really what would happen is an attempted beat down first... because that's what normally happens from that position. Even so, Adam is super strong and he now has those hands around Victor's throat, trying to kill him. If I put my hands around somebody's throat from that position, the pressure on their necks would be so severe they'd have no choice but to try and relieve that pressure by attacking my hands.

Code Victor, struggling, manages to rip off Adams ski-mask--

wtf? How did he manage that one?

Code They stare at each other for a split second -- a recognition

Now what's happened? The pulling of the mask was so strong and shocking to Adam that he stops choking him?

Code -- before Victor clocks Adam on the side of his head--

If no punches were thrown.... then what does this mean?  Despite the fact that it would be pretty much impossible to pull off, I'd really like to know what was meant. You told me I was making up the punch. If it isn't a punch, then what is it?

Quoted from JimiLamp I see the points you're making. The only problem is your example above and what you're imagining isn't exactly what I've written. Nowhere are punches thrown.

Code Victor runs off into the darkness--

Of course he does.

Quoted from JimiLamp Dustin, At the moment I'm still trying to fully find/flesh out the story and characters.

This is okay, it's expected.  Usually it's around Episode 6 or 7 when a new series finds its legs.  No need to try and cram everything into your pilot episode.  But what I want you to be aware off... this being the pilot... the plot should take a backseat to establishing your characters, atleast the main one's and their world.   You want the audience to get to know them... you want them to tune into the next episode, right?  Well, if your first one is not memorable enough, guess what?  They wont.

I read this, actually twice.  Once for clarity, and the second time for notes. You have some good things here. 'Ray" I think is a character a lot of women  may be able to relate to, which is a good thing.  My concern, how far have you thought this through?  I mean, all the story lines... plots?  Have you written anymore episodes yet? have you written a bible?  This would help.

okay, it's late.  forgive my errors.  My schedule is tight. Give a few days or so to get my notes in order.

Ghostie

Ghostie,

I really appreciate the read through. Anytime you would like a read, I'm there.

I very much hear you in terms of setting up character. I struggled with that. Wanted to keep the pace moving so opted for story a bit. May have crammed in some things a bit to soon.

Definitely don't have a bible put together, but feel like I have a strong theme an Idea of how each episode might play out. At the moment, only have the first three episodes plotted. But your initial questions are tough and I have a lot to think about. Thx again.

@JimiLamp

All right.  Finally I'm back.  It's hard to put a pulse on this series at the moment, since I haven't read any of the other episodes. My understanding... you have three completed so far.  So I'll go off my thoughts from the pilot.

As I said in my previous post; your plot needs to be secondary to the characters in the this episode because if the audience fails to connect with your characters and enjoy spending time with them for an evening, there goes your show.  Having said that...

You've crammed a lot into this first episode for sure, but I was never lost at sea.  I could follow what was happening. Let me touch on some characters...

"RAY" she's got a full plate.  Looking into her brother's death, as well as the kidnapping of "fe Rosa."  Taking care of her brother's children... and dealing with their junkie for a mother "PENNY."  To compound all that, her pregnancy and money problems on the horizon, ect... Yea, I get her reasoning for helping Victor.

"VICTOR"  I get why he's doing all this smuggling.  His son needs an operation. fair
enough. He doesn't seem like a bad guy, he just finds himself in some circumstances that's beyond his control... or is it.

"ADAM" a bad guy in the mix here.  A good twist early on... when he shows up for work the following day.   He seems like a real bad ass.  Why is he doing this?  Is it all about the money for him.   Just something i contemplated as I was reading.

"PENNY"  I get her flight.  I'm just not sure yet.  Has she always been hooked on drugs, or was it triggered after the death of her husband.

"CARLOS"  I'm not sure about him yet. Whether he's a good guy or a bad one.  But it's clear corruption runs rampant in his department.

"DAVID" I hate to assume, but I'm thinking he's the father of her (Ray's) child.

I'll say this... as the episodes progress, make them (your characters) more interesting,  And a good way to do that.. give them quirks, or some special oddities, I can't recall really any...

Anyway, you've got a lot of dilemma going on.. and I can see them linking.

A concern I have is this... it's longevity.  I mean, can you generate a nearly endless number of stories with your premise.   A prime example... most cop and detective shows are some of the most successful and long running series.  Why?  I'm so glad you asked. Because as long as there's cime in the world, they never run out of stories to tell.

Here, yes, they are border patrol agents, and they do deal with other things beside smuggling. Murders, corruption, ect... but it's not like they are street cops. So my question to you... are the story possibilities infinite?   Something else to think about.

Getting back to the kidnapping of fe Rosa.  Is it going to take pretty much several episodes for Ray to resolve this?  The reason why I ask...?  If I were writing this, I'd probably go this route... have Ray solve a different crime each episode, and make looking into the death of her brother and helping victor with the smuggling play out as the series move along, atleast the first season.  That's just me.

I thought is good how you linked several scenes with Ray's pregnancy. When her and Steve discovevr the pregnant woman and she faints.  Again, when she crosses into Mexico and sees the children, her brief interaction with them, ect...

I didn't harp on the grammer, mainly because nothing really tripped me up.  For the most part, your pages were a pleasant read,  It's evident you're a good writer.

Having said this...  it needs more fleshing out for sure.  I think you already know this.   Some will probably think this is run-of-the-mill, but you kept it interesting enough to where I'd tune into the next episode (atleast) to see where things go from here...  

Okay, that's all I have at the moment... it's late and I'm tired.  I hope you find something helpful.  Again, forgive my errors.

Ghost

Ghost,

Thanks for getting back to this, your comments and questions are helpful. Glad you felt the read was relatively pleasant  and interesting enough to consider further exploration. For me the biggest reason for exploring this is Ray. I've grown fond of her and find her interesting. I hear what your saying about keeping the characters interesting. Feel I did a fair job with Ray in terms of how she handles things, the heavy bag, spacing off, her under the blanket with picture. My hope being that the idea that she is a tomboy, masculine energy, introverted/introspective a bit quirky and intense, comes across.

But a good idea to constantly consider. And i think your point is evident with the Steve character. I feel i glossed over him for sure.

At this point, I don't think I'm going the serial route specifically with the solving of a case each episode. There are several specific themes that I tried to establish. The idea is that each episodes teaser sets up a theme in a small allegorical story/parable type of thing and that drives each episode. Then, like you said, the relationship between Victor and Ray, John's death and the focus on human smuggling is what drives some of the long term aspects.

But we'll see. It's an ever changing process.

The idea is to take this to some unexpected places, so I think longevity is quite possible. But your right, something always to consider.

As it stands, the Fe rosa story is wrapped, in a sense, by episode three but this is really the catalyst that brings Ray deeper into the human smuggling world.

In some ways this is also a character piece. First Ray, then exploring the relationship between Ray and Victor. The duality  of the two and the idea of the "lines" we create that keep us separate.

Thx again. These are all great comments and questions that will help to continue to flesh this out. Really appreciate it.

Much obliged.

Jimi,

finally finished this one today. I'm really sorry it took so long. NOT how I like to read and comment on scripts. I couldn't help it. I have been super mega busy. Wrote a script for the 1+6WC even though, I wasn't going to and then my son's wedding next week and construction and stuff at my house. So, again, I apologize for the far from ideal review.

Over all though, I think you did really well. I don't know you and I don't think I've read anything of yours before, so I had no idea what I was in for. I sort of dreaded it to be honest, because, more often than not, new people at SS often have very rough scripts. I'm happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised.

The beginning set the tone pretty well, I thought. I was intrigued and it continued throughout. By the end of ACT IV I absolutely wanted to know who THE MAN with the dog was.

I liked Ray a lot. You got a good character in her. Is she going to keep the baby? I'm only asking because I personally wouldn't want to watch a series where I have to watch her get bigger and bigger and then add another kid into the mix. I don't know. Seems a little too much to me. I'd rather watch her do her job. She's got enough family issues already.

Adam is a bad guy. And as such, he works well. I hated him. When he had just screwed Fe Rosa, I wanted punch him. Good job on that!

I'm so so on the other characters. Haven't made up my mind on them yet. One thought that occured to me was that I recently watched True Detective. I thought both McConaughey and Harrelson were excellent in this. Most interestingly for me was that McConaughey looked like shit, to be honest. I see people that look like that every day and I take a step away. But, his character were so well written that I just fell for him like a silly school girl. I'm mentioning this because I think characterization is so important. To me watching True Detective was more fascinating watching the two detectives than learning about the crime itself. In other words, if you can make your characters really good, deep, complex and full of history, the story itself can play second to that. I liked Ray, but I feel the other characters need to be richer as well. Your story is fine to me, just make the characters irresistable. Make us tune in just to learn more about them.

The following is just some notes I started writing when I first started to read this. I quit after awhile, because that weren't that many things to complain about and I also wasn't reading on the same device every time I read a few pages. Please forgive me.


Page 1.     Three Hispanics "peel" over the ridge. Are they climbing?

Why the silencer? They are in the vast desert. Is anyone going to hear them?

Page 2.     I thought he shot MAN #1. Maybe reword that to make clear so we don't have to do a double take.

Why is he going after Victor? I thought he was shot and dropped out of sight?

The people peel over the ridge. The jeep peels off. Look out for repetitive words. I know. Seems stupid, but it can standout sometimes.

How do we know that's Mexico down there? A sign? An insert?

Page 3.     Are both women pregnant or just one? Women is plural. Woman is singular... Check this throughout your script.

Page 5.     Interesting with Ray and the boxing.

Page 13.   --looses paper work--  I had to stop and reread this. I still don't get what it means.

Reached page 20 and the end of act 1.  I don't have much to complain about. I think so far you've done really well.

Pia - Thank you for sticking with this and getting back to me. It's greatly appreciated.

Also glad it wasn't a full on drag to read.

I like Ray a lot too. She's by far the most interesting part of this whole thing for me. This is one of two different drafts with two different endings. This was the more experimental I guess. I tried not to specify about Ray being pregnant. As I wasn't entirely sure of going down that road. It could be that Ray has recently lost a child. Miscarriage. Accident. I agree it might be too much to have her actual grow throughout the story. I guess just pushing some of these ideas a bit.

Glad you got a good sense/liked Ray. I completely understand your points on other characters too. This is something I noted myself. And some other's have mentioned as well. True Detective is a great example of how strong characters really build a show and keep it interesting on a deeper level. It seems this is the note that is continually being highlighted and that's awesome. I know to focus on this.

I always got a bit giddy when Rust Cohle started talking about anything. I hear ya.

The --looses paperwork-- was supposed to be --loose paperwork--

Will definitely fix the grammar stuff and be more mindful when submitting.

Thx again. I have a good idea what to focus on for a rewrite. Very appreciated and much obliged.