martin,
im reading this now, having read the beginning though i remember that i read this before one time but i guess i never got around to commenting, ill post back with more detailed feedback once ive finished this read through but i think my opinion of your script is mainly positive. Of course I'll try and come up with some constructive comments to help with your re-write but yeah, i like the beginning and the voice over. more to follow
-Matt

Hey

I took a look at Accidents Happen.  Here is a disclaimer I’ve only reviewed a couple of scripts so formatting and what not I don’t know how to do.  Now, I feel I’m pretty honest, I don’t purposely try to tear down or insult but if I think you can do better that’s what I’m going to say.  With that said I wanted to say I like this story, and the concept.  However it seemed familiar, kinda like Unbreakable for some reason (I don’t know why).  That’s not an insult I liked the movie.

Before I get going some general comments.  I’m wondering what is James’ real motivation, is this for excitement or does he think he is some kind of hero?  To me I came away saying he justifies his actions because he thinks he is helping but in reality he is looking for excitement.  My two sense on the depth of your character.  Also when I read the beginning I thought “this is f**ked.”  It kept me interested I think it’s good.  Last general thought you depend on the VO to tell the story, I like the idea and I like how you used it, however at times  I feel you could’ve shown it instead.  

Now what I normally do is review in general tell you what I thought then I get specific.  If I liked the line I give  *, if I think it needs to change I normally write something along those lines, if I had a suggestion I put a coma after your line and then my idea.  Don’t take it the wrong way, normally I say hmmm, that could be better and an idea pops in my head, I write the idea down…take it or leave for what it’s worth.  

In the beginning you start with the boys playing with a football…
     -had an idea, instead of showing the wood step cut later in the story, foreshadow the cut step before the football begins, show a hand sawing away at it with a swiss army knife.  If the football bit follows the wood cutting the audience may think it fits, building something out of wood then football, you know guy stuff.  Then the audience puts the pieces together as it’s happening.  

2-defining moment of childhood*

-happy fucker*

I like how you show that the little brother doesn’t respect the chain of command, but I don’t know if the little brother is really “disrespecting his elders” with what he says.  Asking to play seems acceptable, where if the little brother was annoying James or making fun of him it may fit the scenario better.  

5- I’m wondering to myself what is this guys deal? (my thought at the time)

5-minor point do you saw with a pocket knife, I dunno??

6-It's like every
day God sends a different retard
to test my patience.-Retard didn’t seem harsh enough, you could get creative with what he calls her.  

-bury fist*

-why does he pull over for a van ahead of him, did you mean from behind, or is it hogging the road…it’s unclear from description

7-Then I remembered that day when
Timmy broke his leg. I remembered
the satisfaction I felt at what
I'd achieved. I'd never felt like
that before, or since... what had
I done with my life? Where did it
all go wrong?- Here he is basking in the glory of his moment, and satisfaction is how he describes it??  Let the audience savor the moment with him…

-girl, =hardcore gamer

8-If James knows this woman is beaten he wouldn’t ask (unless they are good friends, and even then prob not), but she would make an excuse of for it at the slightest glance or look of concern.  
     

10-She
probably thought her marriage was
a comfort zone too. She probably
thought things would get better,
maybe she even thought she
deserved a beating every now and
Then.-Ok on this issue, you compare her position to James I get why but it‘s not necessary.  In reality abused women go through this thing called the cycle of abuse you can look it up but basically they get beat they say they’ll leave, the dude says he’ll get better, he does for a certain amount of time but then, a trigger pops and he beats again.  With your writing style and this character you created you could do something great with it.  -as to the line about deserving a beating you may upset a female audience with this line (so tread lightly I guess, depending on whose reading/watching), I thought it added to how f**ked this character was but what do I know…

10-It shouldn't have
been like that.  That’s from James VO down the page this line seemed awkward to me, I tried it out loud it works but I stumbled on it for some reason.  

11- I noticed this a couple time, you use words that seem funny to me but I’m guessing this is a culture thing…I’m from Northeast US so I call the chemist a pharmacist.

12- James refers to her as Mrs. Bell you could say she seems more personal

To Be continued

12-That night I made a conscious
decision to help Mrs. Bell. I
knew she'd never ask for help
herself so I decided to take
matters into my own hands. I
decided to kill that worthless
piece of shit husband of hers.-Ok this guy calls it killing?  Would he?? He’s helping her aren’t they helpful accidents, or something?  Killing seemed so blunt…too blunt.  

16-And that... was that., game set match.

-idea: clip obituaries of those deaths he “accidentally aided in.”  

17-So, I'd lost a customer. But I'd
gained something far more
valuable. Something I'd been
searching for all these years. A
sense of worth. That warm, fuzzy
feeling one gets from having
helped someone. From having done
something... naughty... and
gotten away with it. I felt
great.-Felt great: you can do better.  New word: fulfilled, whole…


18-Funnily??  , how bout “I swear”

19 “good old internet” , personally don’t like that line.

-online home, I get what your saying some ideas I had: assignment site, or Help wanted section….

21-I like your wording on the sales director *  and concept with parachute*

A sales director... He gets his
kicks from extreme sports. His wife
gets her kicks from him.**

I like how the lines flowed, I don’t know if you captured that as well with the stock broker.  Maybe start with the sales director??  

Some ideas of mine, stock broker beats and cheats the market, and beats and cheat on his wife.  It’s probably no better but it’s a start.  

He should really have checked his
chute before jumping out of the
plane.-This line doesn’t pop as much as the kicks bit.  , He packed his own chute by the book, too bad he never got to use it.  

You have this really dark sense of humor in the sales director part that I think you should try to maintain through this voice over scene.

22-I’m wondering what his wife is thinking…

-anonymity-overused try a new word=explanation great placement I was wondering how he doesn’t get caught.

23-Business was unpredictable.
Sometimes I'd get nothing for
months, then I'd get three
requests at once. I'd only accept
the ones that involved domestic
abuse. I needed to be sure my
targets were deserving of a
grisly death.-Don’t like the: “I’d only accept the ones…”, I only had one rule…  I had standards let’s be honest with each other I wasn’t a hit man and I’m certainly no serial killer.  

***note on voice over bits*** It seemed like you were talking to the audience with the voice over at first and this seems to change ever so slightly, I liked it when James talked to us.

23- This one brought my kill count to
nine, and not once did I rouse
the suspicions of the authorities.
I was a fucking natural.- going to the point of talking to us…That was #9 and not…

24-good timing on the lingerie wife conflict, I like how you let it fester just a little with the audience.

-But this was gonna take some
explaining, and despite what you
might think, I cared about my
wife. I decided to shelve my
plans for the time being.-  , I had some splaining to do (it’s cliché but it seems like something he may say to us as we listen to him narrate his life)

25-JAMES (V.O.)
It was no mistake. And there was
only one person it could have been.-seems like your missing James’ realization that for months he’d been talking to his own wife, gaining her trust, and then finally making the deal.  Possible room for a flashback etc.

25-I mean, here was a man who’d
spent two years of his life ridding
the world of bad husbands. What has
a guy gotta do to get some respect?-why does he flip to third person??


28-”scheming bitch” , seems like James might be turned on or in the least have more respect for her…

29 James VO is a little long you could shorten it.

31”tablets” - are they prescriptions? (this is probably a culture thing I’m guessing)

36-monster doesn’t seem to fit, using his money doesn’t make her a monster does it?


37-“frankly I only ever killed bad people” - you can do better

38-James VO I couldn’t forgive myself for
what I’d done. I’d become one of
the people I’d grown to despise.
I tried to tell myself she’d
driven me to it, but I couldn’t
bring myself to believe it, no
matter how hard I tried.-you can show him talking to himself in the car instead of having VO right next to each other

39- I wasn’t ashamed of what I’d
done. Not the killings anyway.
The only regret I felt was for
my wife. I’d become so caught
up in helping these women, that
I’d lost sight of what was
really important.,  helping these women I’d lost site of the most important woman of all

OK…SLIGHTLY DISAPPOINTED HERE: Now I like the irony that he’s happy his wife is happy even though she turned him in, but you didn’t make me think she did.  I think you need to lean on that more before you punch the audience in the gut with the it wasn’t her.  

Some ideas show her in court while he is on the witness stand.  Something!!! That makes audience think she turns him in…

OK REALLY DISAPPOINTED!  Why when you have these awesome ideas do you end with she “clicked the wrong name
in her address book and sent it
to her late husband’s lawyer.”  UGH! I like the ironic thing do it, but the way that the cops find out isn’t up to par with the rest of you short.  

Other then that I like the concept, I like your use of voice over (for the most part) I like your character depth.  I’m wondering if James’ wife is hot or not (random I know)??  It’s a real quick read, best of luck, I’d like to know what you plan to do with it is once you have the final draft…will you submit it and if so to who and what for?

Jaykur

Thanks, Jaykur.

Excellent, detailed review. You've given me loads of stuff to work with. This story will change a hell of a lot, the ending especially.

In the rewrite, little Timmy returns all grown up and adds some more conflict to the story. Kate has a far stronger motivation and James' demise is a lot more fitting. I've got it plotted out and the story basically follows James' rise and fall with most of the voiceover confined to the beginning and the end.

I'll definitely be referring to this thread as I'm writing. Thanks for the help.

I'll get to Forefathers ASAP

okay, I am extremely sorry I didn't get around to this sonner, I have just been so busy with school and I only just remembered I didn't finish up your review. It looks like someone beat me to one so I hope I don't repeat too much. Like I said this is my second read through and generally I like it but I'm going to type up everything I feel about the story as I go along. Some good, some bad but hopefully it'll all be helpfull.

The beginning
I like the voice over. Generally they tend to tell you to not use it or use it sparingly but I think it works in this beginning and fits quite well. It sets the tone nicely and it seems unique. I agree though that maybe you could show James cutting the wood at the start or something. Maybe not use quite as much of the voiceover even though I really don't see it as a problem but others might. Secondly, I don't really see Timmy disrespecting his elders as James saying. Maybe there should be a scene where that happens. Maybe there is later on? I don't know, like I said I'm typing as I read but those are all my initial impressions.

Again, I'm liking the voice over. I don't know why people advice against it as if used right it can be very good. I'm getting a kind of fight club vibe witht the cynical narrater chiming in now and again. It's a good way to show Jame's true personality at the moment.

---A note actually on the voiceovers, maybe shorten them but keep them in? for example when Mrs. Bell explains her face the voiceover makes it seem like a long awkward pause would occur when the conversation should continue. If you stop for a voiceover the flow of the conversation would seem unnatural.

---it seems to be random when he says he will kill the husband. Maybe add in a line in the video store when he says something like
"this is the second 'acciden't you've had recently"
i think it would make it better if the beatings had been doing on for a while instead of just this one off occasion that makes james mad enough to do something

--i like the i dont want to poison him line, nothing like a good bit of irony

--add in a better reason than a diet for Mrs. Bell not eating the cake. Maybe he puts nuts in it and she is allergic to those. If the cake is really that good someone on a diet may still try it. I think an allergy would make it seem smarter on james part.

--show him making his webiste untracable rather than the voice over saying it. As I said I enjoy the voice over and it works well in scripts like these but you are tending to say a little too much at points and this is an example that I felt was worth pointing out.

--again, show his wife not talking to him before saying it on the voice over. I read your last comment about keeping the voice over mainly to the beginning and end and I personally don't think you have to cut out that much. Just work on the little things like I'm mentioning. However, if you have a way that you think works without it all together then go for it. I am just offering up what I think would fix it.

--pg 25. Wow, for some reason I did not see this one coming. What a twist. Very impressive. It seems so obvious now but I didn't even think of the story going in that direction. If you expand this out make sure this element still comes a surprise as it works very well this way. (I guess I didn't read this script before haha, I definetly remembered the beginng though and I thought it was good so I don't know why I didn't finish it the first time)

--scheming bitch... i agree with the previous reviewer on that line. You should make it so he's impressed that she went to such lengths to get the money to off him. For some reason it seems like it'd fit his personallity more than being straight out angry.

--also show Kate talking to her brother. She needs to tell him something other than she wants her husband dead. I can't think of an example right now but you need one.

--I used to live in england so i enjoyed the reference to spaghetti bolognese. Americans don't seem to know what that is though? have you had any problems with that... just a random thing I noticed and thought I'd point out.

closing comments
Okay, overal I really, really, really liked this script. I think it was a dark story about a very disturbed person but in the end he learned a lesson. He was no better than the people he'd been killing and I think the script works that well. However, you do need to flesh some things out and it definetly can be made into a full length. I disagree with alot of things that you said you are changed but I guess that just means I should finish my reviews faster Anyway, the ending to me works as the accidents line is mentioned throughout and I think that ending fits and I personally wouldn't change it. I also wanted change too much of the voice over. I'd just show a few more things instead of having him tell us the story off screen. That will easily add some length into your story. Flesh out the beginning with his brother and give James more of a reason to hurt Timmy. He says later on that the people he killed deserved it so make Timmy deserve it too and don't contradict yourself so early on. Secondly, give the wife a little bit more of a reason. Make him ignoring her more obvious but make sure the fact that he's hired to kill himself come off as a twist.

So, you have a very original story  on your ahnds (well I see elements of other scripts in it but it's as original as you can get these days) so I wish you good luck with your re-write. When it's up let me know. I'll get to it faster and I'll let you know what I think worked in the re-write and what didn't. You got a great start though so I hope this one turns out good

sorry it took me so long, I hope the comments help
-Matt