Hey Everyone,

I've begun a rewrite on this, and was hoping for thoughts on one idea I have.  First of all I will be changing:


SPOILERS FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT READ IT







A)  The technical stuff definitely
B)  The way in which Dante works his way into the game
C)  Dante's name

And lastly, and this is the one I'm really hoping to get thoughts on....

D)  Rather than simply taking off his hat, revealing a set of horns, and saying "I'm the devil"  I was thinking of him saying something like "Someone of consequence, or consequences in your case"  and then adjusting his hat, which causes his white suit and hat to turn a bright red color, with a red tie and black shirt to match.  I wouldn't want the change to be instant though.  I was hoping to have an effect where the color starts at his hat and runs down toward his feet.

Huh?  Huh?

Yeah, that could be cool.

I had another problem with this that occurred to me later.  The very, very last thing in the script -- the cards -- you know what I'm talking about.

How is it, exactly, that the audience will "know" who these people are?.  I mean, sure, they are relatively famous.  But simply from pictures on a card?  I mean, if I just pulled out a picture of the guy, would you know immediately who it was based upon the photograph alone?

There should be some way to make it clear who these people are.  From a visual standpoint alone, I'll bet lots and lots of people don't "get" it, you know?  I am not sure I would have.

Something to think about.  

I think the suit thing is alot slicker than the horns, so yeah, go for it.  Also, please, pretty please, give players 1-3 names!!  Nicknames or something...it goes good with Inferno.

Quoted from greg I think the suit thing is alot slicker than the horns, so yeah, go for it.  Also, please, pretty please, give players 1-3 names!!  Nicknames or something...it goes good with Inferno.

Ok, I will give Players 1-3 proper names, but I'll also have to disappoint you since there will be no more Inferno.

Inferno has been thrown to the inferno, and shall return with a different name that is not.......Inferno.

Hope all those "Infernos" gave you a chuckle.

Anyway, I've come up with a new name that I think will work without tipping anything.

Very nice. The name of the devil as dante and inferno has been brought up so many times that I won't bother you with it again.

This was definetely a gripping script and could be made into a darkly humourous film, quite a bit of black comedy involved.

by the way. which type of poker is he playing? 5 card draw or 7?
I got a bit confused over that point reading a previous post.

anyway, nice script.

also about the revealing of the devil... I remember an old irish myth which had the player bending down to pick up a card under the table and seeing hooves for feet...

Hey Sharkey,

Thanks for taking a oook at this.  Most of the issues with this have been re-written, I've just been to lazy to submit it.

I sitched Dante/Inferno's name to Hoyle, in reference to Hoyle brand playing cards.

They were playing 5 card.

I do know of the myth you speak of, although I haven't heard it for quite some time.  I changed the reveal to something a little more subtle, although it requires a greater effect.  Basically, he adjusts his hat, turning it red, and the red flows downward changing the color of his entire suit.

Thanks again, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Shelton Thanks for taking a oook at this.

What a coincidence...

...every time Shelton puts up something new, I, too, say, "Oook!"

Quoted from bert ...every time Shelton puts up something new, I prepare myself to mesmerized by his wonderful screenwriting capabilities

Gee, thanks Bert!

Mike

Post the new draft and I'll give it a review..

I have read the earlier draft and agree with what a lot of posts say here..

You have a good story with good characters and a good premise and a kind of interesting end but I'm not sure if it works as it is.. As I said, I'd very much like to read your latest draft before I make any comments.

There are a few aspects of this screenplay as it stands in this draft which can be hacked to death with a chainsaw, it could be tightened, Power Verbs introduced, better back story, names given and bios written for the minor characters. I would also like to see better bios for the main characters too and these were a little thin.. Some of the scene descriptions could be improved some so they read a little better.. There is other stuff but you do have a good story here and it kinda’ works but me thinks it could be so much better if you worked on it some more..

As I mentioned, upload your next draft and I'll give you a more up to date critique.

Kevan

Hey Kevan,

There's a revised version up now.

I'm indifferent towards the ending.

I think it;s neat, but is totally random and seems out of place.

SPOILERS



Hey Mike, I caught something on page 10 you will probably want to change.
They deal out 5 cards, but he has 7 of them in his hand that you show what they are.

My thoughts - You could also do away with the special effects at the end. Show Cap's picture on the card and no longer in the room. Hoyle could still tell about the other two people at the end,   only have him talk to the card with Cap on it.

Cindy  

where is the revised version? I can't find it anywhere... could you help me out on that one?

also, about the fading colour of the devils clothes, maybe subtle changes throughout the script would make it slightly more exciting? maybe not, whatever you think...

The usual Suspect,

By random do you mean unexpected?


Cindy,

I went back and looked at page 10, but for the life of me I can't see what you're referring to.

Sharkey,

The revised version is in the link of the first post by Don.  It just took the place of the old version.

sorry, checked the post... still same old, same old...