Hey Darren, good job here, dude. Very well written, but I have to agree with Cindy in some aspects and one of them is if I was you when Peter knows through Ant that his wife had an affair with Ant's wife, Peter whould take Ant's guns and killed Lea, then SWAT broke in and killed them. But just if I was you.

Anyway great job, Darren!

SPOILERS!





Hey Bloodprince, I read just read your script and thought I'd give some feedback. Just to let you know that I havn't read any one elses views before this as I didn't want to ruin the story or have my own views influenced in any way. Anywhoo, on with the review.

First of all there were quite a few typos, The few I found are: -

"Peter stares at him, then he blankly turns away from him
without a reply. This is amuses Ant, he steadies himself
self, two feet apart, clutches his gun in a clenched grip." - pg.3

"Lea turns away, hey eyes closes tight, she is frightened." -pg.4

"his eyes searches Ant for a moment." - pg.5 (Should that read search instead of searches?)

"ANT
I didn't come this far just to
turn myself into the fuckin'
cops!" - pg.5 (I think that should be 'in to' instead of 'into'.)

"PETER
You burst into our home, flash
your gun and orders us around." - pg.6

"CAM
Sure is! Hope he keeps this
up... I'm gettin' some some
fuckin' amazin' footage!" - pg.7

"PETER
You know, sooner or later they'll
figure out your here..." - pg.8 ('You're' instead of 'your')

"S.W.A.T. agents gets into position" - pg.10

"S.W.A.T. Agent #1 backs up closely to the wall signals his
men to do the same." - p.10 (I think there's an 'and' missin between those two word.)


Your descrioptions were good. The dialogue was good overall but I felt it could do with a little touching up in places.

I think that the interaction between Ant and Lea should've been different. Considering she had an affair with his wife he doesn't seem all that hostile towards her. Most of his animosity is aimed at Peter. In certain places it's almost like he's flirting with Lea. If you had the one who casued you such pain hostage, surely you'd ask why? or toture them more. Maybe Ant would kill Peter in front of Lea to inflict upon her the pain he feels. I dunno but in Ants situation your main goal would be revenge, but instead he seems to just spend the majority of the script waiting and telling Peter and Lea to be silent.

Overall I think the idea is sound, but a little more is needed in terms of the interaction between Ant and Lea. The ending also seemed a tad quick. I think that if you work on this a little more you'd have something really great.

Hey Darren, I thought I would take a look at this because it seemed kind of familiar, but I will get to that later.


SPOILERS



This was actually kind of a cool script.  Ant was one bad S.OB, and I like those kind of villains.

I liked the intensity through out, but I felt the ending didn't work, eventhough it is a whopper of an ending.

Now I think it happens all to fast cause the climax is shocking and has surprises, but it comes out, then it ends in a hail of bullets right away.

maybe have more go on between Ant, Peter and Lea before the bullets start to fly, let the shock sink in, I think if something happens between peter and lea that might work, maybe if Peter should kill Lea, that could work, or maybe not, just a thought.

But this did keep my interest, so good job there.

Now onto what I said at the start about this being a little familiar, that was an understatement, I have READ this before, with another writers name slapped on to it.

There were a few minor changes, but nothing huge.

Now I know you are the original writer, I have no doubts, but someone took your script, re did a little and slapped their name on it without giving you any credit.

If you would like a link to the script give me a pm, I also downloaded it just in case the writer removes it, I would be happy to email it to you.

The really frightening thing is that it was done by someone who is active on these boards.  This is a big no no and unacceptable.  I am not going to mention names, but you have every right to since this was YOUR script that was stolen.

I hope that you can get this straightened out, because this was something you put a lot of work into and it is unfair for someone to take this script, make a couple changes, then put their name on it.

Oh yeah, and by the way, your version was better than the ripped off version, just thought I'd throw that out there.

Anyways, I feel for you, and I know this will get fixed.  Good work by you

Maybe you should talk to Darren, sir. I have, maybe you should too.

The problem with your lawsuit against Jordan is that he did not name you. You named yourself.

Quoted from Kevan How dare you accuse me of stealing something when the work is 50 per cent mine too. Make sure you find out the correct facts before you accuse people of stealing In the real word that is slander and you would be sued in court. Think about it! And if Darren has anything about him he’ll be honest and tell you this Theboywhocouldfly Just be careful what you say in future otherwise I’ll contact your ISP, find out who you are and where you’re from and I’ll sue your ass in court. The very suggestion of it. Jesus! Kevan

Go ahead and sue me, see what I care, I got nothing so there aint nothing for you to take.

You screwed Darren over, you know it, I know it, and others know it.

So go ahead, get your lawyer and sue the shit outta me, you can have everything i own, whiich is shit, you're more than wlecome, at least I will have my pride and my girl, which is more than you will ever have.!

Alright....Let's move this back into the script discussion realm.

Wes is my friend, I ain't gonna hide that, and friends stick up for each other, that's what being friends is all about, but he aint around to delete this post for me, so I',m on my own.

Call me any names you want, do whatever you want to me, sue me and get a fuckin dry bone, I don't care.  I make stupid comments some times, I have bad judgment sometimes, but I do what I think is right, and I ALWAYS apologize and delete posts when I should, ask anyone, I make mistakes, but not this time.

I never outted you , you outted yourself.  I am not a bad person, I just screw up from time to time, and when I see someone getting screwed I will say something.

You wanna fuck with me, go ahead, does no matter if you win or lose you're coming out empty handed, but I got my friends, and I got self respect.  So say what you want, do what you want, let's let the members here decide.

Personally, I think it's cool that Jordan tried to look out for someone's script. I'd want someone to give me a heads up if I was getting screwed. So, just because it's you he was talking about Kevan, he shouldn't be vilified for doing that.

Kevan all I can say is, On your site you "HAD" and I use that term loosely, WRITTEN BY KEVAN R. CRAFT and your home address on the bottom title page... Hey where did my name go from it?

Never mind 50/50 ownership, The entire script has been Copywritten BY LAW under one name, DARREN S. WINTERS...

Sure you tweaked the script here and there, but the story is mine, far be it from me that if you took it upon yourself to rewrite something that is your problem I never asked you to. The night You got hold of Crimes of Passion I asked you to look at it for FORMAT issues... Not to change it... You never got to worried about names when it was submitted to SS, so why are you now?

All I can say is, COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT... Not only have you got MY work on your site but you have done so without my written or otherwise CONSENT...

And I know this is not the first case of such an act by Kevan where he has done this...

Just want to say a big THANKS to everyone who has been on my side. Kevans you stated that I went ahead and posted the script?

I never heard you saying not to, after all any changes you made where minimal. And then to add ONLY your name to MY work on your site now that looks bad on you!!

I'm not going to get into any petty online fights, I just want this to be sorted out before I have to seek legal advice for Copyright infringement... And I will be doing that should I really have to...

Kevan, I really think you need to think of the consequences and use your head more often.

Tsk, tsk, tsk my bodacious British buddy.

I am unlocking this thread -- and I ain't deleting nothin'.

It's not fair to Darren that this should be locked up.

BUT:  Do not contribute to this conversation.

It's over.  The parties involved can settle this by PM.

You will be deleted without notice or prejudice.

Getting back on track...

SPOILERS...

Considering the buzz this thing garnered, I figured I might as well read the damn thing.

Overall, I thought this was a pretty solid piece. The story was simple but interesting, the dialogue was natural and flowed quite nicely, and you had a pretty decent twist as well. I didn't see the lesbian bit coming. There was some relatively decent character development as well but I think there could have been more. You give a lot of information about Ant but not so much these other two. I think you could definitely use some. Near the end, the story felt somewhat static amidst all the gun blazing, threats, and "shut the fuck up!" related exclamations. I think it got to be a little too much of the same stuff after a while. I think if you beefed up the characters some, this wouldn't be as much of a problem.

Anyway, all in all, pretty decent short you have here. Nice job.

Hey,

For a thirteen page script I thought this took too long to cut to the chase, because we don't actually find out why Ant is doing what he's doing until page seven. So you might want to think about bringing that forward a tad.

I also thought Peter mouthed off too much at Ant. I think most people in that situation would probably try to pacify him not piss him off. For example, Ant tells Lea to fix him a drink, but Peter grabs her in defiance of him. I just don’t think anybody would risk getting their head blown off over something as petty as his wife fetching someone a drink.

Also, on page five Ant says, ‘You’ve got a beautiful wife there...how’d a fuckin prick like you bag a bitch like her? Hmm?

This almost sounds like he’s complementing Lea which doesn’t really make sense, because in the end we find out she’s the one he’s angry with.

As for the twist, I had a similar one in a short film I made at film school seven years ago. In my short titled Jessie. A man is franticly running along a deserted beach looking for his girlfriend Jessie. After a while he bumps into a woman and tells her he‘s worried because he and his girlfriend had come to the coast to hide out from her psycho ex partner and now she’s missing. So the woman helps the man with his search along the beach. We stay with the man and off screen we hear the woman yell out “Oh my God” the man says,’ What is it?” He runs over to the woman who is leaning over the top of a body. Again he says, ‘What is it?” to which she replies,” The murder weapon” and she swings around and stabs him in the guts. The man slumps over and dies next to his already dead girlfriend. The woman then looks over his dead body and says “It’s too bad Jessie didn’t tell you about her ex partner, because if she did you would have known that he was a she'.

Oh yes, a murder mystery with two people in it. It was as good as it sounds Lol.

Anyway, if you tighten your script up a bit and make Peter a bit more TERRIFIED of Ant, I’m sure you can take it to the next level. On the other hand, it would be funny if after protesting against Ant the whole time, Peter started yelling shoot the bitch after he found out what Ant’s motivation was. He could go from judging him to empathizing with him, as he might, given the fact that he’s been cheated on too.

Good luck with it all.

Darren,
           I thought i would give this a read also because of it's buzz and there were striking similarities to that of Kervan's but lets not get into that. This script is truelly excellent. The dialogue is spot on, the plot is good, the descriptions are through the roof. You actually write like a writer if you can understand that haha.

Only some minor errors that can be easilly corrected. You use far too many commas in your script when they are not even needed. I spotted a few instances of this. There was also one other thing that kinda took me out of the story and that was the way Ant( Antagonist- good one by the way) just suddenly blurts out with all of this stuff about his wife and so on and about the lesbianism, I quite honestly do not know how you can correct this but if there were minor clues it would have been better.

Also as have already been stated, Peter does mouth off a lot when nobody would really do that. I feel the only reason he was made to mouth off was like was for the sake of adding btter dealogue other than driving the plot or showing sides to this character.

Other than these minor things this scipt is one of the best i have read on this website and keep writing.