Quoted from George Willson SPOILER PART The Son = Ethan Satan = Ethan's brother The Child = Abigail

Thanks for the clarification, George.

To the author: pretend that my crappy "review" isn't there.  

****SPOILERS****

I read this one. I’m rather surprised that anyone would think I wrote this. Interesting. Because I didn’t see anything in this at all that reminded me of me with the sole exception that the light atop a police cruiser is described as a “red beacon.” I used the description “obnoxious red and blue beacon” in an earlier script. Other than that, I see no similarity.

I’m not a huge fan of this one. It had several errors. Too many to name them all. I would never submit something so short with so many errors.

Now to the story:

This is yet another script with a child molester. Well, the sheriff calls him a child molester but he turns out to be a murderer instead. Whether he molested the child or not is never told.

It’s also another script where a relative is called by a relation. Why wouldn’t a man call his own brother by his name?

It also seems to be a bit confused as to what period it takes place in. It has police cruisers but people tromp through the woods at night with kerosene lanterns instead of flashlights.

I also found the religious dimension to be a bit trivial. It didn’t pertain to the story and it didn’t really even make sense.

First off, what’s up with the beginning? You just wrote a song there without writing what’s going on. It also had no pertinence to the story in any way.

You need to capitalize the names of characters when they’re introduced.

Questions end with question marks.

P4 - you call Ethan Etham.

Overall, this is okay. Nothing special. It’s not good or bad. It’s just unremarkable. I’ve noticed a lot of these scripts either going for comedy or horror. It’s almost as if there’s an aversion toward drama. I hate the theme of this exercise but I think drama was a good genre. Many weaknesses in many writers’ work are showing because of this genre. I commend the people who actually went for drama instead of hiding in a genre they felt more comfortable with.

Hey pals! When I said it reminds me mine Criminal Mind I'm referring about my short script!! Please!

Hey NiXon,
I'm seriously impressed with yours too.

So far the ones I liked the most have been written by "TEENAGERS"!

Good Job!

Pia

First, thanks for all the reviews and comments. The favor will be returned eventually. I’ll probably get to the rest sometime this weekend.

Anyway, yeah this one belongs to me. It looks like only one person guessed correctly.

This script was kind of a victim of the deadline. If there had been more time, the twist at the end would have been developed more. Some people sort of seemed confused when the murderer was revealed. There was an elaborate back-story planned out regarding Ethan and his brother’s past, but it never made it onto the screen. Time just ran out.  

Regarding the poem, it was intended as a tool that was not only symbolic but also foreshadowed important events within the story. The poem is actually real. It was written by George Herbert, an English poet and priest.

People also mentioned the italics. Those were done on purpose. I thought it would be way too obvious to put italics in another one of my scripts. I thought people might see it as someone else trying to impersonate me. Not sure if it really worked. Haha©  

Oh, the song at the beginning was kind of my way of letting the reader know what time period the story takes place in. During the late fifties, in the south. Once again, I’m not sure if it really worked.

Anyway, thanks again for the reviews and yeah it was awesome to see the teenagers step up.

-Zavier  

This was probably one of my favorites.  Really nicely done

This one was probably the biggest surprise for me.  You weren't even on my short list, Nixon.

While you obviously could have used a little more time, this one has a lot going for it -- parts of it are almost lyrical.

For those that really dug this one, you might take a look at the tragically overlooked series "Expect No Mercy".  There is some sharp writing there, too.

Thanks guys, the support is appreciated.

Quoted from bert While you obviously could have used a little more time...

I'd like to develop this one more; I've got about twenty more pages worth of ideas swirling around in my head. Hopefully I'll get to a revision before this fall.

-Zavier  

The writing in this OWC is sweet. I'm not sure if the story quite did it for me, but I couldn't stop reading. Once I started, the story swept me along till the final twist.  It was like a rushing river and I was caught.

SPOILERS

The religious frame of the story is interesting, but I too could not figure out why Ethan was expecting his brother's arrival, yet the brother is a convict freed during a road accident.  If Ethan anticipated this, why would he not know that Abigail would be in danger. I suppose that Abigail's death was somehow prophetic?

It's true the ending needs work.  But you are already aware of this and so I won't venture there.

I liked Harlan's reading of the prisoner's manifest to partially identify the convict, but I don't know if saying he was a child molester was necessary.  Harlan's reaction and suggesting that this criminal was as evil and dangerous as any he had encountered might be enough.  

Afterall, by saying the convict is a child molester and then having him lure Abigail into the barn is pretty nasty stuff.  It suggests rape before death.  Hmm... do you want to go there?

Despite the nature of the story and the outcome, you tell it in such a beautiful, lyrical way.  It works better as prose than a screenplay.  I thoroughly enjoyed the cuts/contrasts between the couple defining the poem and the fleeing criminal tromping across a bleak landscape.

The fleeting glimpes of the convict brought to mind Ambrose Bierce's "An Occurance at Owl Creek Bridge," if you are familiar with that story. I think Rod Serling bought the story for a TZ episode.  But in that tale, it is almost a silent film, told from the viewpoint of the escaped prisoner.  And of course, that ending was also bleak and sudden.

Anyway, Zavier, this is excellent work.  Sure the story needs polishing, but it is so visual and rich with details.  One of my favorites in this challenge.

i loved it. i did not, however, like the italics. next time, don't use them.

sorry for the sort review but i'm petting my cat

9 Did the Sheriff find him? Or pick up the convicts scent? Seems to me with the next scene they haven't found him yet, they're still chasing him.

I like how you move between discussion of the poem and the convict. I love how you tie Ethan and Penelope to the convict story through the daughter, Abigail.

I almost want to stretch out that last moment between Ethan and his brother. There seems that something more should pass between them before Ethan kills his own brother.  Maybe the convict says sorry.

And, if the convict had a picture of Abigail, why did he kill her? I know molesters are sick but to molest and kill your own niece seems just a bit too much. Ethan's brother, the convict, was going to stay with him. So the convict had to prepare himself. He might have planned to molest Abigail but kill her? And if Ethan's brother is a convicted molester, why would he allow his brother anywhere near his daughter.

I think the ending is a good one, but I think a rewrite would help to make this moment more credible. Unless I misunderstood and the convict is not Ethan's brother.

Use what you can and discard the rest.