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Who ever wrote this is very gifted for story, character and dialog. This is probably the best one I read so far, but by far the most depressing and grim, you kinda feel like Ethan by the end of it.
***********SPOILERS**************
The way the story cut between the convict and the poem that Ethan was reading went very well together, I was wondering how they were gonna connect, that was until you find out the convict was a child molester, then I knew.
The twist at the end was a shocker, I did not see that one coming at all.
Yikes, this one was great. Kind of makes me feel jealous...just kidding.
Well, sort of.
Anyways, onto my review here: this was very well written and, like Jordan said, whoever wrote this has great writing talent and is able to capture anyone's attention.
I liked it how you cut from one locatiion to another to another, and it worked out perfectly. The story was good and I liked the ending. Great job!
I liked this one. Took me while to read it but that's because I'm a slow reader.
It's so wonderfully detailed and I know this is a very talented writer. Who, I couldn't say... I'm not sure I've read many like this before so it's hard to say. The story itself is great and it's pace even better.
SPOILERS!!
The twist at the end was something I didn't see coming... and I'm not sure I totally get it. I thought the brother was coming home to visit them... was he about to be set free or...? I'm not sure why he'd run or do something like that...
Still, a brilliantly written story and one I definitely enjoyed reading. Good job!
My only beef is with the religious chat since it doesn't seem to move the story forward. Unless it has some kind of hidden symbolism connected to the plot that I failed to grasp (it could be, I suck at getting those).
My guess it's James... could be Martin, too, but I think it's James. You do have a way with words. I could almost smell the sweat, and blood on the convict; it seemed so real. The twist got me, too. I didn't see that coming, yet it tied in with the poem very well. Good job. This is one of my favorites.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
For a one week exercise this one seemed well thought out. I like your descriptions, perhaps a bit overdrawn by typical industy standards but that's never bothered me so much personally, especially if it's vivid and has flow which this does.
I also like how you kept us in the dark and were careful not to reveal too much too soon. That's a good technique and not always easy to pull off.
I like it when you can get lost in a story and have no idea what's going to happen next or how it's going to turn out. Good job.
"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
This one is so sharply written that I am certain the italics are only meant to throw us off the scent. This could be a couple of people -- a very short list -- or somebody new.
I found the religious ideology mirroring the stories progression to be quite effective. That aspect of the story was almost poetic, as were many of the descriptions. The italics did not really distract, but they didn’t really add much, either. I suspect the author knows this is incorrect, but was just having fun, which I can appreciate during these exercises.
Where I was ultimately disappointed was the final revelation, which seemed more circumstantial than destined, as there was nothing to foreshadow this turn of events, unless I missed it. This detail seemed like an afterthought, as if the author was struggling for an appropriate conclusion to this story.
This is beautifully written -- a pleasure to read -- so much so that any deviations from standard formatting are readily forgiven. But unless I missed some clues along the way, the ending left me wanting more.
Thought I'd give this a read out of curiosity since a couple of people seem to suspect I wrote it.
I liked this a lot and it's nice to be suspected of writing such a script. Descriptions are extremely vivid with some nice imagery. I'm also a fan of darker stories such as this one. I have to agree with Bert that the final twist felt somewhat tacked-on, and I can't help thinking I missed something early on in the story that foreshadows the ending. This is a good script that could benefit from a rewrite just to give added weight to the revelation at the end.
Like Bert I think the italics were done on purpose to throw us off the scent. I'm not 100% sure who wrote this. I think I would guess Breanne, but she did say in a review the other day that there wasn't much of a BBQ going on in that story and this one you can say the same, so I don't know.
The part with Abigail in the barn with the convict reminded me a little of Con Air. That is not a put down btw.
The story and plotting was great.
Besides one or two, I have now read all the entries and I'm surprised how much death, murder, rape, incest, pedophilia and even cannibalism we all cranked out. Are we a sick bunch or what?
I liked this one a lot. I was impressed how the majority of the plot was forwarded by an indirect source: the poem. This could have not worked but I think you pulled it off nicely. At the same time, you still gave all the information needed that wasn't given in the poem, such as the convict being a child molester. Perhaps this could've been concluded later on but it's usually better to inform the reader/viewer earlier on. Your writing is also sharp throughout. I really have nothing to complain about here except for the lack of a barbeque and the italics. Perhaps they were meant to throw us off the trail, as Bert suggested, but nevertheless, I found them unneccesary.
All in all, good job. I assume the writer's a lady, judging by the pseudonym Roberta Smith, and I think I know just the one.
Others have commented on the italics, and if they weren't done on purpose, please never use them again. Hm, you italicize most things that would be capitalized and yet did not italicize Sheriff Harlan's first entrance.
However, the short was impressive. Previous reviewers didn't get the point between the poetic discussion and the greater story. I think I got the correlation between Son/Satan, child born and then killed, and then your masterful little twist at the end.
SPOILER PART
The Son = Ethan Satan = Ethan's brother The Child = Abigail
Satan kills the child and then The Son defeats Satan in the end. Or something to that effect. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but that seemed to be the point of having all that poetic discussion beyond just distracting them from Abigail.
I recall reading a script long, long ago where there were lots of italics, so I may have read you before but I can't be sure. As everyone has already said, the story is very well written. I found one error, and that was on the first page:
*Next to *an* undisturbed pond.
The story was basically a parrallel of the opening poem, so likewise it was poetic all the way through. My beef is the ending. The problem is that it was out there but it wasn't shocking. It was the guy's brother...okay. There's no real reason to be like "whoa" to that...I don't even know if that was what you were going for but I'm just providing my feedback.
So overall it was nicely written. Not the most exciting but the beauty is there. Nice work
I read this one. I’m rather surprised that anyone would think I wrote this. Interesting. Because I didn’t see anything in this at all that reminded me of me with the sole exception that the light atop a police cruiser is described as a “red beacon.” I used the description “obnoxious red and blue beacon” in an earlier script. Other than that, I see no similarity.
I’m not a huge fan of this one. It had several errors. Too many to name them all. I would never submit something so short with so many errors.
Now to the story:
This is yet another script with a child molester. Well, the sheriff calls him a child molester but he turns out to be a murderer instead. Whether he molested the child or not is never told.
It’s also another script where a relative is called by a relation. Why wouldn’t a man call his own brother by his name?
It also seems to be a bit confused as to what period it takes place in. It has police cruisers but people tromp through the woods at night with kerosene lanterns instead of flashlights.
I also found the religious dimension to be a bit trivial. It didn’t pertain to the story and it didn’t really even make sense.
First off, what’s up with the beginning? You just wrote a song there without writing what’s going on. It also had no pertinence to the story in any way.
You need to capitalize the names of characters when they’re introduced.
Questions end with question marks.
P4 - you call Ethan Etham.
Overall, this is okay. Nothing special. It’s not good or bad. It’s just unremarkable. I’ve noticed a lot of these scripts either going for comedy or horror. It’s almost as if there’s an aversion toward drama. I hate the theme of this exercise but I think drama was a good genre. Many weaknesses in many writers’ work are showing because of this genre. I commend the people who actually went for drama instead of hiding in a genre they felt more comfortable with.
First, thanks for all the reviews and comments. The favor will be returned eventually. I’ll probably get to the rest sometime this weekend.
Anyway, yeah this one belongs to me. It looks like only one person guessed correctly.
This script was kind of a victim of the deadline. If there had been more time, the twist at the end would have been developed more. Some people sort of seemed confused when the murderer was revealed. There was an elaborate back-story planned out regarding Ethan and his brother’s past, but it never made it onto the screen. Time just ran out.
Regarding the poem, it was intended as a tool that was not only symbolic but also foreshadowed important events within the story. The poem is actually real. It was written by George Herbert, an English poet and priest.
Oh, the song at the beginning was kind of my way of letting the reader know what time period the story takes place in. During the late fifties, in the south. Once again, I’m not sure if it really worked.
Anyway, thanks again for the reviews and yeah it was awesome to see the teenagers step up.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
This one was probably the biggest surprise for me. You weren't even on my short list, Nixon.
While you obviously could have used a little more time, this one has a lot going for it -- parts of it are almost lyrical.
For those that really dug this one, you might take a look at the tragically overlooked series "Expect No Mercy". There is some sharp writing there, too.
While you obviously could have used a little more time...
I'd like to develop this one more; I've got about twenty more pages worth of ideas swirling around in my head. Hopefully I'll get to a revision before this fall.
-Zavier
Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever. I WAS WRONG.
The writing in this OWC is sweet. I'm not sure if the story quite did it for me, but I couldn't stop reading. Once I started, the story swept me along till the final twist. It was like a rushing river and I was caught.
SPOILERS
The religious frame of the story is interesting, but I too could not figure out why Ethan was expecting his brother's arrival, yet the brother is a convict freed during a road accident. If Ethan anticipated this, why would he not know that Abigail would be in danger. I suppose that Abigail's death was somehow prophetic?
It's true the ending needs work. But you are already aware of this and so I won't venture there.
I liked Harlan's reading of the prisoner's manifest to partially identify the convict, but I don't know if saying he was a child molester was necessary. Harlan's reaction and suggesting that this criminal was as evil and dangerous as any he had encountered might be enough.
Afterall, by saying the convict is a child molester and then having him lure Abigail into the barn is pretty nasty stuff. It suggests rape before death. Hmm... do you want to go there?
Despite the nature of the story and the outcome, you tell it in such a beautiful, lyrical way. It works better as prose than a screenplay. I thoroughly enjoyed the cuts/contrasts between the couple defining the poem and the fleeing criminal tromping across a bleak landscape.
The fleeting glimpes of the convict brought to mind Ambrose Bierce's "An Occurance at Owl Creek Bridge," if you are familiar with that story. I think Rod Serling bought the story for a TZ episode. But in that tale, it is almost a silent film, told from the viewpoint of the escaped prisoner. And of course, that ending was also bleak and sudden.
Anyway, Zavier, this is excellent work. Sure the story needs polishing, but it is so visual and rich with details. One of my favorites in this challenge.
9 Did the Sheriff find him? Or pick up the convicts scent? Seems to me with the next scene they haven't found him yet, they're still chasing him.
I like how you move between discussion of the poem and the convict. I love how you tie Ethan and Penelope to the convict story through the daughter, Abigail.
I almost want to stretch out that last moment between Ethan and his brother. There seems that something more should pass between them before Ethan kills his own brother. Maybe the convict says sorry.
And, if the convict had a picture of Abigail, why did he kill her? I know molesters are sick but to molest and kill your own niece seems just a bit too much. Ethan's brother, the convict, was going to stay with him. So the convict had to prepare himself. He might have planned to molest Abigail but kill her? And if Ethan's brother is a convicted molester, why would he allow his brother anywhere near his daughter.
I think the ending is a good one, but I think a rewrite would help to make this moment more credible. Unless I misunderstood and the convict is not Ethan's brother.
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Hell and Consequences
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