Trip to Zoo, A by Anthony Hudson - Short, Comedy - All Pete wants to do is buy some train tickets and win his bet. How hard can it be, well it depends on the rules. 15 pages - pdf, format

This is something I wrote as an exercise, and as a break when I got a bit of writers block while working on my first feature.  
I hope you can work out the concept of this story, and what the bet involves. lol.

Hey Anthony,

I just finished reading your short. It's very visual. Good dialogue.

SPOILERS




Okay, I read this twice. What I got out of it was two guys had a bet about using credit cards and something about the letter "Z". Two of the cards didn't work, but one card did. I'm not sure why. I don't use credit cards, so maybe that's why I didn't get it.
It was still a good little short. You might want to check your page numbers though. They're off. I found a type o on page 6 where he said he was charged too much. You had "to".

Cindy

Hey Cindy thanks for the review.
The problem I had with the page numbers was when I created my script to pdf from finaldraft it wouldn't include the title page so I had to just add it as page 1.


SPOILER!!

A couple of people have read this short and haven't picked up on the bet thing, maybe its just not clear enough, I might need to work on it.  The clue is the dialogue of Pete and also the title, which purposely leaves out the word 'the'.  Meaning its a trip to the word zoo and not an actual place.  its all too confusing I think.  Anyway if you check out Pete's dialogue from when he approaches the ticket booth (hint check out the opening words each time he speaks).

Yes, now I am confused. ???

Lol.  Didn't want to spell it out but I will, your not the only one who didn't pick up on it.  Like I said though it was just a challenge I set myself to see if I could do it and still have a readable scrit, so I guess I achieved it.  Anyway....


SPOILER!!!






The bet is when Pete approaches the ticket booth he has to start his dialogue with a word that begins with the letter A, then his next begins with B and so on until he reaches Z.

alffy,
Well, I'm glad you did. I never would have gotten that. Pretty neat.

Cindy

cool idea and very well written.

Good Job!

Thanks aspringwriter glad you liked it.

Umm....are you friends with aspiringwriter, Alffy?  Just checking -- because that is fine.

But pretending to be someone else is not.

Hey bert

Don't know whether thats an insult or not.  Are you saying my sripts rubbish and no one would give it a good review?

No mate I don't know aspringwriter and it aint me either.

I don't think its an insult by the way, Lol.

just glad someone else gave my short a read even if it is a first timer.

Hey bert I appolgise, I just checked the email and discovered its my fiancee who didn't mention to me that she had joined.

Sorry bout that. Lol

Well, there you go.  Hey -- I thought that said girlfriend a minute ago...and now it's fiancee....

She must really like your work.

Quoted from alffy Are you saying my sripts rubbish and no one would give it a good review?

Of course not.  But it's hard to make a question sound "polite" on the internet.

And people set up false accounts to praise their own work more often than you might think.

Needless to say, it is frowned upon.

It did say girlfriend....but i corrected him...lol

sorry if i caused a misunderstanding!!!!  Was just trying to offer some anonymous support

Thanks for posting the new draft Don.

Hey Alffy. I see this as a must-read considering you've read my entire catalog. I don't know how this one got past me. Anyway...

I'm embarrased to say that I had to look over your previous comments to understand what this story was about. At face value, it seems like a guy trying to by train tickets with faulty credit cards then just stall a while for no reason. On the one hand, it's not a bad plot for a short. I guy wants to buy train tickets and gets curveballs thrown at him all the while. The stalling at the end seemed bizarre though. After realizing your true intent for the script, I thought it was brilliant. I'm impressed you were able to pull this off. Unfortunately, it's not exactly obvious what's going on and I'm not sure if you want to spell it out or not. I don't think it would hurt if you did. It'd be interesting to see someone try and pull this off in real life.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Unfortunately, I don't have any solid advice to give you seeing as I'm not sure whether or not you intend to spoil the story's hook. In any case, the story functions well enough without the whole A-Z bit, although certain parts are a little disjointed. The script actually seems to have a dual-function, which is kind of brilliant in a way although unless you want to make some major changes, the A-Z plot can't go much farther than an exercise.

In any case, I enjoyed your story very much and even more so upon skimming over it after reading your comments.

Good job, Alffy.

Thanks for the read James

Yeah I've been toying with the idea of making it a bit more obvious as most don't catch on to the outline of the bet...but not too obvious as to spoil the concept.

Anyway thanks for giving this a read.

Hey alffy,

SPOILERS

I chuckled a small bit reading close to the end. I think the whole point was to frustrate the people standing on line including Anna. If not, please let me know. I didn't get the jist of the letters such as Z. So unless you have another way of working that out into the script, I think you should remove it. Just a suggestion that's all. The descriptions were good. Dialgoue good. Concept was kinda good. I think the Z thing messes the concept a bit though.

Hope these comments help in any way.

Gabe

Alffy,

Read what the bet was before I read the script, so I really can't comment on whether I would have gotten it or not.  However, I do think it was rather subtle and subtle doesn't always play well.

What I say is that if you can't make it subtle then knock them over the head with it. That's what I really think you should do with this script. Clearly outline the bet conditions. Then super each letter up on the screen as he uses it.  That should let us, the audience, get some enjoyment out of the bet.

You also need to create more tension. He needs to suffer more.  It wasn't obvious that he knew that the cards didn't work so it seemed like it was just fate that he was getting the lesiure to use the alphabet. He can hand her his library card. He can ask her out.  There is so much you can do with this.  

Also his friends didn't seem too interested in what he was doing.  If I made a bet with him I would be making sure he did it.  Maybe even try to trip him up.

You did a great excercise - let's see if it made you stronger.
  

Hi Alffy,

I thought the bet was to see how long he could take up the woman's time. It wasn't until I read your posts that I found out about the alphabet element. I definitely think the reader should be in on the bet from the-get-go. This way the reader will have more empathy for Pete.

I agree with what others have said though; he should have to work a lot harder for it, because life should never be easy for the protagonist.

You could also call this script The Alpha Bet.

Thanks for giving this a read everyone.

Gabe, I can't really drop the 'Z' thing cos that is the concept of the whole story.

mcornetto, I like your idea of supering the letters, might give it a go.  I'm gonna go back and make things clearer from the start cos a lot of people are struggling with this.  I suppose I know the concept cos I wrote it...lol.

chris, I agree with you and the others that maybe he achieved the bet a little too easy so I'm gonna work on this too.

I was gonna put this on the backburner for a while but now seen as a few people have given me some pointers so i'll work on it and repost it soon.  Cheers guys.

Hey guys the new draft is up but please ignore the synopsis because i've pulled a clanger and wrote the same one as my other script 'the big stiff'.  This will hopefully be changed soon.

It is now about twice as long as the original draft.  Thanks to feedback, I've tried to make the bet more clear and also added a lot of extra scenes.

Hope this helps to clear things up as the original proved a little confusing.

Anyway enjoy....hopefully lol.

Cheers Patrick hope you like,

like I said tho pay no attention to the synopsis cos its from another one of my scripts.  Hopefully this will get sorted.

I've put your old synopsis back onto this story.  If you need further alteration, you can send me a PM and I'll get around to fixing it later.

Good revision.  Much clearer than the original.  I like that the people in the queue have gotten involved, but I still don't think he had a hard enough time with the bet.  I think some mention of the fact that he has to keep her busy long enough should be made in the first section when they are talking about the bet. I'm not sure I got the point of the friend tripping the business man.  Was that his friend trying to distract him?

Thanks mcornetto,

yeah the businessman being tripped was supposed to be a distraction to Pete, maybe still need to do some more work on this.  Glad it's become a little clearer now.  I wanted the other people to become more involved in the story, especially Darren.

thanks again for the read.  Oh and your Avatar gives me a headache. lol

Hi Alffy,

Is it imperative that Pete has to use Anna for all his sentences.  If not then you could get some of the letters out by Pete talking to the agitated queue.

I do agree that you need to have Darren try and put Pete off some more.  Like sending him a text message that makes him laugh, maybe the message could be a derogatory comment about someone in the queue.  You know things of that nature.

You have the format down so there's no point commenting on that.

Overall, this for me, is a well written piece.

Cheers

Lee

Cheers for the read Lee.

I almost double the size of this for the rewrite and I will be doing another draft to iron things out.  I'll probably wait to see if anyone else comments first though, because I got some really good advice for this draft.

I agree that Darren should work harder to put Pete off. In the original draft he was hardly present at all so I'll keep working on that.

I've worked hard on the format, so I guess it's ok then.  Thats one thing I don't have to work on. lol

Anyway cheers, if you have anything you want reading just let me know.

Hi alffy,

I liked this one.  I certainly got everything right off...and I definitely agree that Darren needs to work harder.  I think my main problem with the script would be that it doesn't build up to enough of a climax.  I'd like to see the queue getting more angry, perhaps someone threating physical violence...the whole thing I'd like to see a bigger deal.  Perhaps the long queue causes a riot.

The tone is perfect though, and the pacing.  Your visuals are good, Anna is perfect.  The one other thing that I didn't personally like was the Supers of the letters.  I thought it was excessive, and as a film, I think it would be more fun for the audience if they had to listen to the letters.  Give them a small sense of reward, you know, how clever they are for knowing the alphabet.

Good job though.  Enjoyable.

Thanks for the read Heretic.

I've expanded this once and may get back to it again to improve it.

As for the supers, I toyed with this idea for ages.  The thing being, they weren't in the original draft and too few people twigged the concept of the alphabet.  I have improved the dialogue at the start and so it is now a little clearer so maybe I could drop the supers....maybe.

Hey alffy,

This was quite an interesting little tale you wrote there. I must admit though I didn't know what was going on before you started superimposing. Then I got it.

That's a funny game - I've never heard of it before but it did make me wanna go out and try it. Did you invent that word game? If so - kudos. If not - kudos for sharing.

I thought the structure and the general format was spot on, I can't really put my finger on anything here. There where a few typo's but nothing major. My English is American based while yours is obviously British (duh) so there were a few words here and there that I didn't get (though I think I know what they meant).

Regarding the actual dialog within the game, I think it was so-and-so. Some of it was quite good and inventive while some seemed a bit forced. I was particulary interested in what you were gonna do with X, and Xerox was a little bit of a let down (surely there must be thousands of words beginning with the letter X  )

SUPER 'X'

PETE
Xylophone-players should learn to play a real instrument.

ANNA
Oh-kay.

(Just a suggestion).

Unlike most of the other posters here I actually think that it is Pete that needs some work. Darren, while not a major player in the story, actually managed to piss me off. I can�t quite put my finger on what it was that pissed me off about him, he just felt like a punk that needed to get his ass kicked.

Pete on the other hand seems somewhat doll to me. He doesn�t really do much besides just stand there. I think a little physical interaction with the others in the queue would help(or would that screw up the game?). I�m not saying you should turn him into Robin Williams but a little more body movement would work I think.

All in all a nice and quick read.

Keep up the good work.


Cheers
Rob

Cheers for the read Rob,

I may get round to another rewrite sometime soon, and your suggestions are noted.  I understand where your coming from regarding Pete and his few interactions so it's something I will work on.

Thanks again mate.

This is the last of your scripts (from your thread) that I haven't read...

I had seen this 'game' played on Whose Line Is It Anyway, both the British and the American version and, while it was funny watching comedians adlib it, it lost something in the translation.  It just didn't ring any bells for me.

The story didn't build at all, either.  Where it started was where it ended.  And this is the worst part of it.  I didn't feel any tension building as Pete was working his way through the alphabet.  It was like reading a script of someone buying groceries froma list.  He finds the first thing and then moves on to the second thing and then the third.  That's it.

On the other hand, I thought your characterization was good and the dialogue was natural.  It was smooth in these two aspects, but the story was lacking.


Phil

Alffy, unfortunately I read about the bet before I read the actual script.

But I still thought it was a really imaginative concept. Certainly an entertaining one. Despite being unable to tell you if I would've gotten 'it' if I hadn't been let in one the joke, I think you spell it out too much with the super-imposing of letters. Even if it might seem confusing at first glance I think it would be more satisfying to figure it out for oneself. For some that might of course mean the story is lost on them, but you can't please everyone.

Going through the alphabet this slavishly might prove a bit tedius when you think about building suspense, like Phil said. However, if you throw in obstacles from the surrounding spectators earlier, you could build a greater sense of accomplishment when the task is completed. In the end you need to make it seem like he almost didn't make it. Just by a hair's breadth.

Keeping the super-imposed letters also ruins any mystery about the whole thing. Let people go "wtf" the first time around. Maybe that's part of the charm, you know? Noticing the game he's playing is a punchline in itself, I would say.

On another note, I thought the dialogue was great, and it was refreshing to read some British English for once. Perhaps there are more British scripts on the site, but I tend to find most are written in General American.

Quaint.

Really, there's not much more to say. Story was smart and enjoyable. The writing was excellent and to the point. Use a little more oomph in the climax, perhaps? Very much of the game is repetition once you catch on, so a strong punchline at the end of the joke would work better, I think. Would make the effort worth it.

X-ray was the X-word I thought he was gonna use, by the way. You know, as in military code.

...

Zebras are pretty.




---

Sorry about that review. Really. That was the stupidest thing ever.

I have too much time on my hands. But I did mean what I said.

Thanks for the read Phil.

This was the first script I ever wrote, so used it as an exercise really.  I used to watch 'whoes line is it anyway' but I must have missed that one.  Anyway sorry it didn't strike a note but I'm glad you thought the dialogue was natural, some positives are better than none. lol.

Death Monkey,

I first submitted this without the 'supers' but unfortunately no-one picked up on the concept of the story.  After much debating I pu them in, although I did prefer it without.  My main aim with this one was to create decent dialogue which I think I achieved.

Anywho thanks to you both.

Hopefully the updated 'The Big Stiff' will be up next week.

LOL very good Death Monkey you totally got me there!!!

You see even I didn't pick up on it and it was my concept, doh!

I really liked this alffy! you're a funny guy! The beginning was a little confusing, but I quickly caught on. This is currently my favorite script from you. Very original. Very funny! Great Job!

9 out of 10

Zack

Thanks Zack, I've so many rewrites with this one - adding supers and then taking them out and then adding them again.  Many people found it too confusing but I'm glad you enjoyed it.  Cheers.

Genius. I'm getting to be a big fan of yours. I did get the bet on the first read. Would love to read the feature you are working on.

Gald you liked it Tony.

The feature I'm working on is something completely different as it's a serious horror, hope it turns out alright lol.

Thanks again for the read, if you post anything here let me know and i'll return a review.

Hi, alffy
Just read your script and I am sorry to say that I just did not get it. If this was viewed on the screen how are the audience, without the script in front of them, supposed to "get" the fact that each time Pete speaks he starts with the particular letter of the alphabet flashed on screen.
I also think that a comedy script should contain comedy either visual or oral, there was neither in this script, though, to fair, I did not get passed "SUPER "I"." At this point I was starting to think about reaching for a cotton bud and cleaning my ears. You lost me.
This to my mind was a sketch, a very long sketch, with a poor final pay-off. I know this review is harsh and I don’t want to upset you it is not my intention to do so. You are infinitely more experienced in writing than I, so take this with a pinch of salt.
Regards, John.

Hey John, thanks for reading my script but you couldn't have picked an older one.

This actually the first script I ever posted and it shows.  I hope I have become abetter writer than this shows....I hope lol.

If you fancy reading something else of mine, and I know I'm being cheeky, try something further down on my signature list.  The Chocolatier seems to be my most generally liked script.

Of course if I can repay the read just let me know and I'd be happy to read anything you want.  If you haven't posted anything but have something written and want someone to check it out, you can email me anything.

Thanks again, John.