Spencer, Rick, and Lee

Thank you for reading this script (silly as it is).
I really didn't think I'd get many comments on this one. It's so short.
I've decided that I'm writing a comedy feature, and these characters will be in it. It will be about the older sister (a single mother). I've got the ending already thought out.

Kevan,
LOL
I'll clean it up.  

Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller Kevan, LOL I'll clean it up.  Cindy

Cindy

I see a Romantic Comedy here, is this the idea you are thinking of?

The little girl is fart girl's little daughter. The gilr wants to date again and the little girl thinks she doesn't want the guy for her new daddy so she does everything in her power to prevent them coming together.

Make the little girl more like Denis The Menace and you get my drift..

Could work out quite good based on the 5 pages you wrote. That could be the set-up for the full story..

Becomes a battle of wills, the guy and the little girl, each have their own agenda kind of thing.. Poor mum in the middle and grandmare on the sidelines.. Plenty of scope in there for a comedy me thinks..

Keep us informed of your developmen of this project, it sounds interesting..


Kevan

Not really that, but now you've got me thinking differently.
I was still going to have the little girl as fart girl's neice. The little girl gets a crush on allergic boy.
Cindy

Hey Cindy, just took a look at this one. It accomplishes everything you intended to; the execution is flawless. I've got nothing to point that didn't work or felt out of place.

Same on the technical level; this piece is very well written. Fast and easy to read. And well formatted.

The only suggestion for improvement I can think of, is to add more conflict to this tale. Your characters accept each other and laugh, despite the inconveniences they have. The fart and the allergy problems are quickly solved; they just accept each other. The juicyest part of the script ends too quickly.

I'd suggest you to brainstorm some more ideas using the "What's the worst that could happen?" formula. It is quite used in fart humour situations. I think it was in American Pie or one of its sequels that the protagonist's hand gets glued to a porn video, and his other hand to his dick, then his father sees him, then a neighbour, then the police, etc.

Once the embarrasing moment begins, it doesn't end quicky, it gets worse and worse. And just when you think it can get any worse, it does. As the conflict grows, so do the  laughs from the audience.

Just a thought.

Overall, despite the previous observation, this was a good read. Well done.

Hey Mr.Z,
Thank you for reading the script. I know what you mean about things getting worse. Didn't think about it for this short though. I will while writing the feature.
Cindy

That was a really cute story.  I don't know what else to say, really.  It was well written and it had an excellent pay-off in the end. However, I can't help but feel if I saw it play out as an actual film I would be disappointed by the length, but as a short script it works nicely.

Dressel,
Thanks for giving this little script a read.
This is going to be in the comedy feature I'm writing.
Hopefully I can make it funny enough.
Cindy

This was not one of my favorite scripts of yours, Cindy.  Partially because I was expecting some horror or something.  When I read your synopsis, I expected him to turn out to be a serial killer or something.

The story came off as a very short scene from a bigger piece.  You didn't establish anything and you rushed everything.

And you should never rush a good fart!


Phil

LOL Phil,

This was just a little blind date meeting, and what could possibly be one of the worst things that could happen when the two do meet.

I'm working on the feature whenever I can use the computer (all these computer hogs around here lately).

Oh well. What can you do?

Thanks for giving it a read though.

Cindy