I have mixed feelings with this one Cindy.

I agree with Greg and Patrick that some of the dialogue of a 5 year old kid was strange and seemed a bit out of place but like you say, they say the funniest things at times.

I also agree with mcornetto that it is a story.  I believe there's a story in everything, no matter what the incident or action is.  Sometimes you have to look a little harder to find it but it's always there...that's life right, a story.

Anyway this was kinda nice, funny and easy to read.  I do think it might benefit from a little more but I'm not sure what.  I don't think I've much help here so I'll quit now. lol.

Anywho I liked what there was.

mcornetto and alffy,

Thanks for giving this a read and commenting on it.
I guess it didn't work out very well as a screenplay. I left some of the film out when writing to cut down on the page count.
On film it was just insane. I thought it would get a laugh if I posted it.
Oh well.
It will be awhile before I post another script. I'm busy on the rewrite of Halloween Games... Three locations now, but the bulk will be in a house, and new scenes that should scare people into having nightmares.  
So hopefully it will make up for this script.  

Thanks again for reading,

Cindy

Hi Cindy.

I've been meaning to read this but haven't had the chance. So here's my review when I've finally read this:



After reading a few of the other posts, I have to agree with what some of them said. I'm not sure this was meant to be translated into a screenplay, even as a comedy. I'm pretty sure it was funny in real life, but me, being a 16-year-old who isn't fond with many 5-year-olds, didn't find this too comical.

Also, the dialogue is a little edgy, since you don't normally hear one say stuff like that to his family, nor the family in particular.

Sean

While this would've been nice to see as it actually happened, I don't think it works as a short.  It doesn't go anywhere and ends rather anti-climactically.  This would work better as a scene in a longer piece.


Phil

Sean and Phil,

Thank you for giving it a read. It was just something that happened that I found funny. I see it didn't work out on paper.

Sean how could you not like a five year old kid. I adore children. They are honest, and you never know what they are going to say next.  

Tonight I went to visit my daughter and my new grandson at the hospital.
Chris, the five year old in the script, also came to see them there.
Of course I brought the video camera, and of course Chris wanted to use the camera. He pointed the camera at his mother and said, "Pretend you are a robot".
LOL
Everyone laughed, then she took the camera away from him.  

Oh well, still working on Halloween Games.

Thanks for giving it a read.

Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller Sean how could you not like a five year old kid. I adore children. They are honest, and you never know what they are going to say next.

I'm just not a child person. I find them either annoying some times, or other times they're just too much work in  my part. But I'm sure I'll have to get used to them someday if I want some of my own...*shivers*

Anyways, I'm pretty sure this was funny in real life. You could probably even go ahead and film it and see how it turns out.

Sean

Cindy,

I enjoyed the fun family emotions flowing through this script. I understand the mom was 14 when she had her first child. I'm suprised, yet happy for the family, as it shows their strength to stay together. I felt like each and every character should have been introduced right in the beginning. It's a bit awkward for the reader to be under the impression that 2 or 3 characters are in the scene, and then more and more keep getting introduced later, even though they have been sitting there the entire time. I agree with one of the other posts that when the script ended, I was just like "oh..." I feel like their are some strong things going for you: interesting characters, room for inriguing backstory, and powerful feelings of joy and family unity. Work with these...

-Adam-

Hey Adam,

Thanks for giving this a read even though this one is an embarrasment for me.
It was something to write when I had writer's block... for something to do.

It was crazy, but that's my family, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  

Thanks again,
Cindy