Quoted from tonkatough One thing I am very curious about is the use of Coca-Cola and Pepsi product. Isn't there some sort of copyright infringment if you use a product without their consent? Is it okay to put  trade mark products in your script?

ive never written with the thought that my stuff would be produced...i write for me.... so its a simple change i will have to make

thanks for the read though. i'm glad you liked it.

Quoted from Takeshi The reader has no way of knowing that. Especially since it is so out of character. Anyway, do you really think someone would be applying for a job the same day they found a dead body? I doubt it.

you might be right.

SPOILERS

On the other hand, he could've sent the application into to Target before he found the body. Then when Mike comes home and asks him if he's done anything about getting a job, Jared could say yes and their last conversation could finish on a positive note, which would make Mike's death even more tragic.

Just throwing up ideas, dude. I still think it's a good script regardless.    

Yeah im tinkering with some of these plot points in the rewrite

I agree with James about the ending with Rick. It was a little confusing. Maybe I'm just stupid. Oh well. Overall this was an enjoyable read. It'll make a good movie.

7 out of 10

Zack

confusing how?

sorry, bad choice of words on my part. What I meant to sya was the ending was a little out there. Like James said, Rick wouldn't last against the cops.

it wasnt much of a standoff....

Rick walks out of the apartment... cops see him from a distance tell him to stop. he tells them to back off... rick pulls a gun... they give him a chance to drop it... rick fires a shot...and they take him down...

well, I'm just stupid and need to be ignored.

This was really well done, it read very quickly.  Just a couple of things that I noticed:
the conversation between Heather and Jared worked really well. I don't know if there's a way you could show him being a little hesitant, not being so cocky, when it comes to deciding to sleep with her. He came off like a scumbag who doesn't have any hesitation towards sleeping with a minor. Maybe if he showed some it'd be easier to sympathasize/root for him.
I wasn't the biggest fan of the Target application, it was the one part that was a let down since the rest of the story worked so well. Overall I liked it a lot.

I can relate to this story- I have a son which falls under the same lazy category.

I believe you have the situation pretty well wrapped up.
Jared is lazy- he expects to be looked after- He is in no hurry to get a job; that's how it should have remained.

The last bit about his Target application being accepted, did not seem necessary.
With the pool scene, you would expect someone else to have seen the body, considering it is a fairly descent size complex.

Overall though, I enjoyed it and the twist was good.

Good story!

thanks for the reads. i have taken much of this feedback into consideration and changed some stuff in the re-write that will hopefully show up in production

Hey Chris,

I can see why this one is getting produced. Pretty good script.

The Target application kind of hit me as "where did that come from"?
Maybe if his brother had called while he was on the porno site, made him feel guilty... maybe if he went to the Target site right after his call, then wanted something to drink, forgot to turn off the computer...  ????

Anyway, I liked the biggest part of it.
Congrats again.

Cindy

I enjoyed this piece.  I liked how we are set up with a nice opening premise of the brother beeing a "leech," hence the title, and the brother not willing until his brother dies.  I felt this moved fairly well and the characters were set up and fleshed out well.  In reading the piece, it seems to me more that Mike's death scares the brother straight, especially in light of your saying the Target application was offscreen.  I think that works better, because Jared has now seen the real effect of his being a lazy bum.

Chris

I thought i would check this out due to it being produced, and i thought it was fantastic. I thought Crimes of Passion was pretty good but this ticks all the boxes. Your dialogue is solid, your plot good, characters good, and your climax great. This script deserves to be produced.

Robert