The Fate of Flight 700 by Matthew Chisholm (chism) - Short, Mystery - On a dusty shelf, in an abandoned warehouse, there is a box. How long it has been there, no one knows. But ten year old David is about to discover that some boxes should never be opened. For inside this box is a secret that could have devastating consequences for the human race. Based upon the short story by Matthew Reilly. 5 pages - pdf, format

Hey Chism,

Wow...what a story. The ending is really powerful. Its more a wtf good type of experience.

SPOILERS

Hopefully, I get the gist of the story: the aliens must be protected. Is that it? That's pretty much what I got.

I can't critque it much. I need to see if I got the gist right. If anything else comes to me, ill let you know.

Sorry if I was not much help,
Gabe

hey, just read it, here are my notes:

i was a little confused by the story.  i took it to be that he was bored, so he went outside, and the confrontation with the bully got him to the warehouse.  but i don't understand why that box, if it was so important, was carelessly left out.  it should have already been destroyed or at least looked after a little better, right?  there was also a shift in tone kind of.  it starts off as this drama with this lonely kid, then all of a sudden it turns into kind of a supense type piece.  and then at the end we have more questions than answers.  now if this was the beginning to a longer piece, that would make more sense.  like the rest of the movie was about the significance of that info and stuff and how it was eventually discovered and who was trying to suppress it (kind of like a horror movie-it opens with a normal scene of perhaps people on vacation, and then they get killed in the first 5 minutes and that's how we're introduced to the world of the film).  but if this is the entire story you want to tell, then i think u should spend more time on it

POSSIBLE SPOILERS:

Gabe,

Yeah, you got it in one. The government -- or whoever else might be protecting this box -- can?t risk letting the information about the aliens out, for fear of widespread panic. I really love government cover-ups and alien conspiracy type stuff, so I thought I would put a little of that into there.

Thanks for the read, I?m glad you enjoyed it and look forward to reading any further comments you might have. It was just something I whipped up in a couple of hours for fun, I?m pretty happy with the way it turned out.

dkw208,

Thanks for taking the time to point out some stuff for me to look at. I know what you mean about the box. I struggled with this as well, but there are several ways you can look at it. My personal favourite theory was given to me by a friend Alex, who suggested that perhaps the person who killed David had stolen the box from some government agency that was protecting it (possibly in some blackmail scheme?) and is just hiding out in this warehouse for a while. I wanted this to be the kind of script where you interpret for yourself what is going on. I try to do this a lot but most of the time I seem to end up confusing everyone, so sorry about that .

I completely get what you?re saying about the bully story at the beginning. That was just me trying to get David into the warehouse so he could find the box. I know it?s a big leap, and I was a little concerned that people wouldn?t go along with it. I?m planning another draft, so I?ll try to address the shift in tone as much as I can. Thanks for pointing it out to me.

This is the entire story I?m going to tell. It?ll always end with a gun being pointed at David?s head, but I?m going to go back and spend a little more time fleshing things out. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to read and comment on it. Every little bit helps.


Matt.

well since you want to keep it short, i will say this, i think the story would work better if it ended with gun being pointed, but we don't hear the blast. the blast gives it to much finality, whereas we are left with suspense if we dont know what happens

That's a pretty good idea. I'll take it under consideration.

Thanks again.  


Matt.

Hey Chism Schism,

Finally, something new from the Chismeister. This felt like two seperate stories and it worked as such. And that's a shame cos' the second part of the story (David finding the cockpit voice recorder) is actually the most interesting one. The lead up to that is very generic but I guess you had to find a reason for him to get inside the warehouse.

I think it would work better if you had opened the story on the warehouse and show a baseball or a football fly through the window, and then have David enter the warehouse in search of that (thereby eleminating the first 2 pages - cos' let's be honest, nothing really important happens on those pages).

Anyways - just my thoughts.

And I agree with dkw208, no need to actually show the gun being fired.

Cheers
Rob

Hi Chism,

Good little story, It was written well and managed to achieve the level of suspense you were aiming for. I did however get a bit confused at the end. What was the box? I thought it was just a radio on the pilots wavelength but it must of been more as all the kid did was hear an emergency message that other people could of got on radio's no?

Or by pressing the button did the kid actually somehow interfere with the alien spaceship, or make it appear? Maybe I have missed something here and am being really thick but never quite got it.

It was very well written though and I liked the build up, It made the ending much more of a surprise.


EDIT: I should have waited to read Snipers comment first shouldn't I? it is official I am thick!! Of course it was a "black box" recorder. That makes sense. Good job, jeez I feel stupid.

Hey Rob... Bob

Comments appreciated as always. Yeah, the first part of the story feels pretty disjointed and it always bugged me, but I thought I could get away with it. Should've known I couldn't fool you.  

I like your suggestion about starting in the warehouse and having something come through the window. It would sure simplify things. Thanks for the suggestion.

Anyways, thanks for the input. I'm glad you liked at least half of it.

Murphy,

Thanks for the read, I'm glad you liked it (and don't worry about feeling like an idiot. Just go back and change your post, make it sound like you're a total genius. I do it all the time  )

Anyways, appreciate the reviews, guys.


Matt.

Hey Matt,

Nice little script.  

But I'm going to have to agree with Rob.  Cut the first two pages they don't add anything important. Start it with the basement, something crashing through the window, and him entering.  Maybe have some kids taunting him to go inside - if you want to explore that aspect of his character or maybe give some mythos to the building.  

I don't mind the gunshot at the end.  However, I do think that short shorts have an advantage when the ending leaves you hanging, so not having the gunshot might actually work better for you in the long run.

Michael  

This is good, Chism.  Could be better.

I agree with losing the bully, but it seems you have already been convinced of that.

For me, I would like to hear more of that voice on tape.  That is your compelling hook, and I found it underutilized.  Is there some way David could hear a series of recordings?

Like one recording, then some dead air?  Then he hears a sound in the warehouse.  What was that noise?  But then a second recording begins and he listens to that.

You can tell a mini-story with those recordings, where the final reveal is the ultimate fate of flight 700, you know?

My thoughts, anyway.  I’ve never heard of the author you cite.  Is he famous or a friend of yours?

Hey Matt,

Not too bad of a little piece.

I read that some of the others are advising you to lose the bully in the beginning, and just start the story inside the abandoned warehouse with the keys crashing through.  That wouldn't be a bad idea, but if you do keep the bully, you might want to fix one of his lines of dialogue.  At the bottom of the first page, you have him say 'Let's talk a walk.'  I'm pretty sure that's not what you wanted him to say.  I wasn't sure if he was supposed to say "Let's take a walk", or "Let's talk a while."

The ending, to me, did seem a bit brash for not having too much information about the person hiding out in the warehouse.  But I think Bert has a pretty good idea in drawing out the recording a little bit more.  Maybe throw in a couple more secrets about the u.f.o. or even something very incriminating about the person hiding out in the warehouse.  Make it seem important that Dave could never tell anybody what he has found.

Still a pretty good story.  Was there more to the short story you based this on?

- Mark

Michael,

Thanks for the read. Don't worry, the first two pages will be gone in the second draft. I'm going to start in the warehouse and just get to the point quickly as possible.

I haven't decided what I'm going to do with the gunshot yet, it might stay or it might go. We'll see when the second draft comes around. Thanks for the read and the comments. Much appreciated.

Bert,

I suppose it's possible for David to hear more than one recording. It's a pretty good idea I think, especially with him hearing something in the warehouse, then a second recording starts. Could be a good tension-building device. The only problem is there would have to be more than one box in there, because why would there be recordings from other aircrafts on one blackbox?

The author, unfortunately, is not a friend of mine. He is a bonafied bestseller. He's written six or seven big action novels. He's huge down here, I'm not sure how his work does over in the U.S. He did just sell a pilot script to ABC with Darren Star executive producing and Jenna Elfman starring. So once the writer's strike is done, he's going to have his own series out there.

Anyway, thanks for the read and for the suggestions. You've given me a lot to think about. Glad you enjoyed (most of) it.

Mark,

Thanks for pointing out the typo, there's always one or two that slip by. The line is meant to be "let's take a walk". Thanks for that. As for the recordings, I'm going to have a think about it and see how I can extended it, put in a few more conspiracy type nuggets of information, make it a little more interesting. Thanks for the suggestions, they're greatly appreciated.

The short story ended before the recording even finsished. So, no there's nothing more from the short story. Anyway, thanks for the read and and I'm glad you liked it.

Thanks for the reviews, guys. They're very helpful.  

Matt.

hey, i dont think u should start in the warehouse.  just shorten it.  otherwise the question will remain, how did he get in there?  exposition is tedious, but important

Quoted from chism The only problem is there would have to be more than one box in there, because why would there be recordings from other aircrafts on one blackbox?

No, Matt.  One box, and multiple recordings from the SAME aircraft.  The box records everything from the flight, right?

I mean one recording, "Hey, something weird is going on" and then later, "Hey, it is getting weirder", and the final one, "Holy Crapp!"  Each subsequent recording would build on the previous one.

It's still just a suggestion, but if you lose the bully, you should have room for it.  Sorry I wasn't clear.

Hey Matt, it's been a while since you have posted so it was nice to see you put one up.

I thought that this was a pretty c0ol idea, but I think it could be a bit longer, it seemed way too short.  It was built up well, kinda weird his mum lets him go out into the city all by himself, maybe cause I;m from the sticks so maybe that is a regular thing.  I actually didn;t mind the bully element, it got David into the building, he needs to get in their some how.

I wish there was more on the tape though, I think it was a bit too short.  Good pay off though.

Anyways good to see you post something and good work.

Bert,

Read you loud and clear. Sorry for the confusion, I'm thicker some days than on others.

Jordan,

Yes it has been a few months now, it takes me a lot of time to work up the motivation to write anything, but I'm working on it. Hopefully will start getting things done a little faster now.

I agree with you about the mother thing. Mine wouldn't have let me just go off into the city all willy nilly either, but I think it would've been weirder if he had just walked out. I was in a hurry, so I guess she's just not that great a mother . The recording stuff will be extended in the new draft, hopefully it'll be more interesting and mysterious.

Anyways, thanks for the read. Glad you liked it.  


Matt.

This is one intriguing premise, Matt.
All of the suggestions you've received are good.
By eliminating the early part of the story, it gives you more operating room for the good stuff.
Your writing is clean and the ride was a sweet bullet train.

Some things which could use more thought or alternative directions:
I wanted the warehouse to be less accessible.  Maybe there is a fence around the building with a No Trespassing sign.
I guess the black box could be as you presented it, sitting on a shelf.  But I'm thinking that it is among other items.  Maybe debris from the flight?  It seems David should discover the item, rather than it just sitting in plain view.
I like that the box is not dusty.  
Burt has a good idea in that as David listens to the message, there are intermittent lapses of silence.  And each time the recording returns, it's more frantic.  More descriptive.  Maybe there is a final, strange sound as the audio cuts out for good.
I did not like the gun to the head and then bang.  
Just the gun to the head is enough.  We can use our imaginations as to which way this story goes.
A suggestion:  Because I liked the description of sunshine coming through a window, I thought you could use that to create a creepy alternative ending.  What if there is the shadow of someone, or something, near David?  Maybe the shadow is distorted the way it falls on the ground and around the boxes.
Create a presence which we can't tell is friend or foe.
Because who said the cover-up has to be by our government...  what if it's other-worldly?
Anyway, really nice setup and if you don't shoot the kid, you can open this story up for more possibilities.
Nice job.

Abe,

Thanks for reading. I've gotten some good suggestions from some other people, and you've given me even more to think about. . Hopefully it won't be too long before the next draft is up.

Anyway, thanks again for the read and I'm glad you liked it.


Matt.

Hey Chism,

With this being an adaptation of a short story you'd read I thought it was going to be a cracker, so I was little let down by it. I disagree with what people are saying about shortening it. At five pages it’s short enough for Christ’s sake; if it was any shorter it would read like a knock-knock joke. I actually thought it was set up quite well and I liked everything that led up to David finding the black box. The sound recordings also had me intrigued but the ending was an anti-climax IMO. However, unless you make the script significantly longer I can’t imagine any other way to end it in five pages.  


Rewrite suggestions:

David grabs his keys off of the hook next to the door,
opens it and walks out.

Prefer: David grabs his keys off the hook etc

He rounds the corner and slams straight into COLIN, a boy
older than David and double his size.

Prefer: He rounds the corner and slams straight into COLIN, a boy older than him and double his size.

Chris,

Sorry you were a little disappointed. Can't win 'em all I suppose.But I'm glad you liked some of it. The bully stuff I was on the fence about but if it worked for you then that's a plus. And I get what you're saying about the ending, but I don't know how I could have it end another way either. If you have any suggestions for another one, I'd be happy to hear them as well. It's how the original story ended as well, by the way.

I'm going to be doing another draft of this sometime, hopefully soon, and I'll definitely take your suggestions on board. I tend to let my fingers run on a little longer than they should, but I'm working on it.

Anyway, thanks for the review and the suggestions. I'm glad you enjoyed some of it.


Matt.

Hey Matt.

I got really into this but then it ended a little abruptly.  I wanted to know more.

No worries with the basics, just wish there was a bit more.  I guess he shouldn't have heard the message but why was it left in an old run down building?

I thought perhaps Colin had some part to play later but no, but that's ok I guess in a 5 pager.  As a short this was good but I'd love to know more.

Antwho good stuff, really enjoyed it.

Alffy,

There is no explaination as to why the box is left in an old run down building other than the explaination you give. I like writing things where the reader is left to come up with answers for themselves. I think it's more interesting when movies do it as well, rather than their filmmakers simply assuming that their audiences don't have two IQ points to rub together. Being forcefed information is infuriating in movies, so I try not to do it in my scripts. I hope it didn't come off as you just being jerked around.

As for Colin, he was just there to get David into the warehouse. The thought of using him for more than just that never occured to me. He'll probably wind up being dropped out of the second draft.

Anyway, I appreciate the read and the review, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.  


Matt.

Hey Chism,

Came back. I re-read to refresh my memory. I guess the biggest problem I see the the transition of of having the kid shot. Can you show the person shooting the kid to make the story fuller? Like Pan to his face, and we then hear the bang.

And maybe have ddialgoue said by the protecter of this secret.  Introduce the idea to the readers since I did not get that far. lol.

Hoep this helps (This is a bit better than before...lol),
Gabe

Gabe,

Thanks for coming back. And for the suggestions -- I'm taking them all on board for the new draft. They're very much appreciated.

Every little bit helps (and yes, this one slightly more so than your first post ). Thanks again for the read.


Matt.

I read this a while ago, but I'm finally getting my review up.

I really enjoyed reading this. It flowed great. Everything worked for me. I can say however that I agree with Gabe and that showing the shooter would be a nice touch. Aside from that, I can't really be negative about anything. I just worked.

Thanks for the read.
Andrew

Hey Chism,

I really liked the premise here. Good job. Some suggestions:

I guess that the purpose of the first scene was to introduce the main character. The scene works for that matter but, unfortunately, it doesn’t move the story forward. I think it would be better if the opening does both things.

Perhaps you could tighten things up a bit if you introduce us to David when he’s being bullied.

It was a little too easy for David to get into this warehouse, considering the big secret it holds. It would be a bit more believable if David really has to sweat to sneak in instead of walking through the front door.

The ending was good but it leaves a lot of unexplored possibilities. David barely has time to acknowledge the danger he is in. You could build some really nice suspense if you make him aware on the danger and work on the escape angle.

Like I said, I really liked the idea here, with a rewrite this could really shine.

Good luck.

Andrew,

Thanks for putting up a review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Mr. Z,

I appreciate the read. And thank you for the suggestions, they're very helpful. A rewrite is coming soon hopefully.


Matt.