Hey Gary,

I know you didn't have much time to write this, but still I think it was pretty good.

I mean with a rewrite you could show us more about these vampires.  

Maybe start the script hinting at a murder inside of a van or ambulance??? Screams as the vehicle shakes.

Although it is a vampire script, and they are all about vampires feeding on blood, you managed to find an original way for them to do this.

I like vampire movies. They're interesting to me as long as they have an original story. I think you could turn this one into a feature, too.  

I'd like to read the rewrite.

Cindy

Hi Gary.

"Blood Drive" felt rushed, as I'm sure it was, and with this being your first venture into the horror genre, I think you did a commendable job.
Some of the problems I think are related to the imposed deadline.
Nevertheless, I did jot down some notes.

I suggest combining the first two paragraphs, so that the rain and its run-off is apparent immediately.  
The scene with the ambulance driving around without a specific destination seems to drag.

I like Mallory.  She has a femme fatale quality.  When you introduce her, you do need a transition scene.  I thought she stepped out of the car instead of the hospital.

Blakkwolfe mentioned the use of Clinton and Barack as names could pull the reader out of the story.  I found them confusing, because at times their first names were used -- especially Zack.  I had to backtrack to connect which guy was Zack.  Maybe stick with one name for each character.

I noticed on a couple of occasions you used the expression, "is sat."   An example would be "the car is sat..."  I think you mean "sits"?    And a person lies and an inanimate object such as a book lays.

I was a little puzzled that Jordan didn't know Mallory.  But I guess it's a big facility, so probably isn't a problem.

During the car crash scene, a dispatcher sends one ambulance.  I was wondering how many gurneys fit inside an ambulance, since there could be a number of bodies in need of hospital treatment.  I noticed that not much is made of the "other" vehicle involved in the Mike and Mallory crash.

I initially thought the vampires were in the other vehicle, but that doesn't seem to be the case.  Maybe the wreck should involve MM and the vampire's vehicle.

I'm unclear as to why Mallory is punched, then revived with defibrillators which causes her to pass out.  In one instance she is knocked out and the other, she passes out.  Does this make a difference to the vampires?

Yes, I too wondered about the vampires.  Lynam is an interesting type, kind of a modern-type day William Marshall. But he's 7-foot tall.  Wow?  Could be a basketball player.  I can see him in the cool hours before dawn on the courts, slam dunking human heads.
Maybe you can fill us in on who he is, why he's in control and what is his purpose.  He tells his guys to hurry because "we're running out of time."  Is that in reference to dawn?
He doesn't take blood in the traditional sense, which is cool by me.  But give us a reason.
The transformation scene of a revitalized Lynam is a great scene.  That makes the journey worthwhile.

I also liked the scene with Clinton performing the unceremonious burials of the victims.  But I think the way you described how Mallory eludes decapitation and such, seems almost as if she just disappears.  You might write it so we see her roll out of the way.  Unless of course, she does disappear.  Make this clear.

If you can streamline the action a bit, it will read faster.  There is potential here and a lot of it has to do with the vampire lore.  Lynam is the key.  He's different and that's interesting.  What is his goal?  His motives?
Good luck with any rewrites.

Abe

Aiffy, Mr Ripley, Cindy and Abe, Thanks very much your reads and reviews. Appreciated.

Quoted Text Maybe start the script hinting at a murder inside of a van or ambulance??? Screams as the vehicle shakes.

Cindy, that is a great idea. If i get chance to re-write I am using it! Cheers.

If I am to re-writes I will come back and read everyones comments again, you have all given some great feedback and even though I had no intention of re-writing this I think I will try and find the time because you have all given me so much to work on.

Abe, as always your feedback is thorough and is really appreciated and will certainly be taken into thought as I plan re-writing this.

Thanks everyone

Gary

Gary,

This was an okay script. I understand it's your first horror script, so I'll be easy on you. Actually, I guess I'm always easy on most of my reviews, so don't you worry.

The dialogue is a bit unrealistic, but what horror movie has realistic dialogue? Try and work it up the best you can. Like, when Mallory finds out what happened to the other car, you can just have her trail off with her words or something, have her seemed shocked, rather than having this long-ish line of dialogue.

Your descriptions are good, except some of them are way too dragged out. I feel as though I'm being a hypocrite, though, since I have the same habit.

There were some grammatical errors and I don't think I caught any spelling errors (though, there could have been a lot, but I just didn't see them. No offense).

This was a good piece for your first horror piece though. If you worked on it some more, I'm sure this would be better, and possibly a good feature if you add a lot more to it. Sorry if I mentioned everything everyone else said. I only read a few comments left by reviewers.

Sean

I'm not a big fan of vampire flicks, other than Interview With a Vampire, but this one wasn't so bad. I think a different ending would have helped this one along. I also noticed some minor discrepencies, such as the bear and the spelling of Lynman. Overall it was fine.

Hey GM,

I understand that this is your first foray into the horror genre, and I must say, this was a good effort.  The pacing was good, and I liked the characters.  In particular the enigmatic Lyman.  I think a script detailing his back story would go down well with those who have read this.

You've already been made aware of any spelling/grammitcal errors so I won't repeat those.  The dialogue was mostly fine, however there were certain instances were it didn't seem to feel natural.  An example is -

                   ADAM
      (feigning exasperation)
But when we don’t pay any attention
we are self centered and arrogant--

When I read that line out loud, and taking into account the manner of the character, it doesn't seem to flow right.  By changing "we are" to "we're" it makes it feel more natural.  There were other instances where two words could've been shorthanded like that, in order to make the dialogue flow abit better.

All in all though, an interesting horror script, particulary for a 1st stab at the genre.