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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Merry Bloody Christmas Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: December 21st, 2008, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Merry Bloody Christmas by Javier Torregrosa (jayrex) - Short, Comedy - Santa Claus gets a little upset that a presumptuous parent has decided to do his job, and dismissing his hard work. 6 pages - pdf, format





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Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  December 21st, 2008, 9:58pm
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jayrex
Posted: December 21st, 2008, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for posting my script so quickly.  I think I only sent it a day or so ago.

I usually get a second opinion before I post here.  In this case I haven't.

Enjoy.

P.S. Feel free to edit this post Bert.     OK



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bert  -  December 21st, 2008, 10:00pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: December 21st, 2008, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Cute. REAL CUTE. Nice to see you turned a childhood figure into a bully, Jay. Ha ha.


To be honest with you, I was expecting more of a story. Yeah, two people meet and get a kid the same thing, except one of them is real when everyone in the world thinks he's not. When I read the title "Merry Bloody Christmas," I was expecting, like, a fight between Karen and Santa, where Santa would sharpen a candy cane and try and stab Karen, while she grabbed cookies and throw them at Santa like Ninja Stars. Ha ha I dunno, but I wanted there to be more of a payoff. A big fight scene, ya know?


I never knew Santa could be such an A**, though. I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly.

Sean
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NiK
Posted: December 21st, 2008, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier,

I liked your story. When I read the title of the script i thought it was going to have a psycho Santa in it. God knows what Santa can do now days.

I don't know what you could add or take off the script. I think its good the way it is.

Cheers





Gift of Blood - NEW! co-written tonkatough
Where?
Anniversary

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Angry Bear
Posted: December 21st, 2008, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Javier,

I liked the idea of Santa getting mad about presents given out in his name. That's good.

The writing was fine besides numerous typos, but not that big a deal.

I thought the ended a little on the unsatisfied side though. I'm not sure why.. Maybe because Nathan ended up being the one on the losing end here, but he didn't do anything wrong, so maybe that's why it didn't really feel right. Kind of like the nice little kid was the only one that suffered here.

Anyway, all in all a good job.  


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mcornetto
Posted: December 21st, 2008, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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From the title of this script, I thought for sure it was going to be about an axe wielding Santa, but I was pleasantly surprised that it was not.

I enjoyed the read and you did a good job with the story here but I did think you could have taken this a bit further.  Have Santa be a bit more over the top.  Surely it wasn't just Karen that was causing him distress - it's all the parent of the world.  He should be majorly pissed.  And likewise, I'm sure Karen has he own stories about her disillusionment with Santa.  Every parent would.   There's more of a story here - search it out.

I thought the ending could use some improvement as well.  

But overall nicely done.

Cheers.

EDIT: Been thinking about this and I really think Karen and Santa should have a physical fight over the action figure and have this be the way it breaks.  You could also have Nathan witness the fight which might help the ending.  

Or if you want to have Dad step in at an opportune time, you could have him think Mom and Santa are having a bit of a romp.  Then Dad can state he wants a divorce and Santa can get the last laugh.  I don't know - maybe that's taking it a bit too far.  But you get the idea.  

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jayrex
Posted: December 21st, 2008, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zombie Sean
... When I read the title "Merry Bloody Christmas," I was expecting, like, a fight between Karen and Santa, where Santa would sharpen a candy cane and try and stab Karen, while she grabbed cookies and throw them at Santa like Ninja Stars. Ha ha I dunno, but I wanted there to be more of a payoff. A big fight scene, ya know?


Thanks for the read Sean.  

Bloody is prefix pretty common where I grew up.  People say it when they're not happy.  The all out fight between Santa & Karen would open our eyes, but I didn't want to go way over the edge.  I know the ending is poor but I didn't have a clue as to end this.  I left it for Karen to have a sour taste left in her mouth.


Quoted from Nik
...I liked your story. When I read the title of the script i thought it was going to have a psycho Santa in it...


Thanks for the read Nik.  Unfortunately with a title like that people are going to think the worst.  An all out fight between Santa and nemesis.  I didn't want to go over the top.


Quoted from Angry Bear
I liked the idea of Santa getting mad about presents given out in his name. That's good.


Thanks for the read Pia.

Happy you liked the initial idea.


Quoted from Angry Bear
The writing was fine besides numerous typos, but not that big a deal.


I was wondering about these typos and look at the script.  Discovered it was the wrong one uploaded.  I have since uploaded a newer version that I think has found most of the typos, plus is a little longer in length.  I apologize that you've read this version with typos.


Quoted from Angry Bear
I thought the ended a little on the unsatisfied side though...


I felt bad for making Nathan suffer in all of this.  I feel this was the logical step for Santa getting upset and taking it out on the kid as well as the parent, it's unfortunate there were causalities.  If you can think of a better idea, I'm all ears.


Quoted from mcornetto
From the title of this script, I thought for sure it was going to be about an axe wielding Santa, but I was pleasantly surprised that it was not.


Thanks for the read Michael.

I'm pleased you're pleasantly surprised.


Quoted from mcornetto
...I did think you could have taken this a bit further...Santa...over the top...Karen...parents of the world...pissed...Karen has her own stories...Search it out.


I kinda thought of this.  It's just not Karen but the whole world.  I could of harked back to a previous story in a flashback, a fight between Santa Vs The Parents.  Arguments, Santa burning his A** on a fire etc...  Or even houses without chimneys.  In that, the story itself would repeat over and over.


Quoted from mcornetto
I thought the ending could use some improvement as well.


Yeah, the ending sucks and needs an overhaul.  Maybe I could have Karen's husband (Danny) come home and start a fist fight.  I wonder what Mrs Claus would think?  Boxing day, Karen answers the door and Mrs Claus knocks her out?

I think I've just thought up an alternative ending.  Should I go with this?

Kind regards,


Javier

p.s.

Merry Christmas everyone.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: December 21st, 2008, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Bloody is prefix pretty common where I grew up.  People say it when they're not happy.  The all out fight between Santa & Karen would open our eyes, but I didn't want to go way over the edge.  I know the ending is poor but I didn't have a clue as to end this.  I left it for Karen to have a sour taste left in her mouth.



Yeah, I knew that. I figured that was what it meant once I read the logline. It's weird, you have a twist even before the script starts!

Sean
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jayrex
Posted: December 21st, 2008, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto


EDIT: Been thinking about this and I really think Karen and Santa should have a physical fight over the action figure and have this be the way it breaks.  You could also have Nathan witness the fight which might help the ending.  

...


Just saw your 'EDIT' and thought along with my idea, I could have Nathan witness the fight, and maybe have Nathan disliking Santa for hitting his mother.


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jayrex
Posted: December 21st, 2008, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zombie Sean



Yeah, I knew that. I figured that was what it meant once I read the logline. It's weird, you have a twist even before the script starts!

Sean


If I do change the ending to the fight, it will end up a Bloody Christmas.  The title might just fit after all. lol.


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stebrown
Posted: December 22nd, 2008, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier, really good premise here. As Sean said, this is a cute script.

Nothing really to add that hasn't already been mentioned. If you are going to have a play around with this though I'd suggest making Nathan more of the protagonist and messing about with who's on his side.

My initial thought is to have Santa being the good guy. Karen could know that Santa is real and that he always gets Nathan the most elaborate but inpractical presents; a lion...giraffe....you know, just really daft presents but great at the same time.

Karen has to go through the same routine every year to stop Santa getting in, but this year he finally gets through and can't understand the problem.

Anyway though, don't get me wrong I did really like this. Have to agree with others that the payoff needs to be upped a bit though.

Good stuff.

Ste


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jayrex
Posted: December 22nd, 2008, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stebrown
Hey Javier, really good premise here. As Sean said, this is a cute script.


Thanks for the read Ste.


Quoted from stebrown
...

My initial thought is to have Santa being the good guy. Karen could know that Santa is real and that he always gets Nathan the most elaborate but inpractical presents; a lion...giraffe....you know, just really daft presents but great at the same time.

Karen has to go through the same routine every year to stop Santa getting in, but this year he finally gets through and can't understand the problem.


This is a good idea.  Santa vs The Parents.  Who will the kid want a present from the most?  I might not have time to implement this idea this time around.  I might just edit the ending for a battle between Santa & Karen.  

I would like to use this idea next year, but as you kinda have a good template for a Christmas script and if you have the time, feel free to do your version.


Quoted from stebrown
Anyway though, don't get me wrong I did really like this. Have to agree with others that the payoff needs to be upped a bit though.


Yeah, the ending has been bugging me.  It ends on a downer and doesn't really have the satisfaction factor that's required.  I might not have the time to rewrite the ending just yet.  Maybe a few days after Christmas.

Kind regards,


Javier


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James R
Posted: December 22nd, 2008, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Javier. I thought this script was going to have more blood, but instead I find out that Santa Claus is British?

I liked the story, very cute. It seems like we're always looking for new twists on Christmas and you definitely achieved that here.

I'm not sure anyone would want to show Santa rapping a woman on the head with the handle of a whip, though it reminded me of Biff Tannen ("Hello, McFly") and was very funny. That was where I thought it would get bloody.

I liked the Santa character. Very sarcastic and pissed off.

Nice holiday short.

James


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stebrown
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Quoted from jayrex



I would like to use this idea next year, but as you kinda have a good template for a Christmas script and if you have the time, feel free to do your version.



I won't be doing anything with that idea mate so feel free. It was really just tweaking your idea anyway.


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sniper
Posted: December 23rd, 2008, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey J,

Karen is kind of sadistic, isn't she? Shows Nathan the presents and then sends him off to bed - "Great, mom, you just made it [sarcasm]that[/sarcasm] much easier for me to fall asleep".

Anyway, not much of a story here, it's basically just two people having an argument. It lacks some sort of crisis, something to make it not just Santa spewing anger and apparently "winning" the argument without much resistance from Karen.

I thought Karen was a weak character. When she said: "Who are you? Get out of my house, thief", she should have followed that up by running to fetch the shutgun. Instead she just stands there and stutters. I couldn't tell if she was the protagonist or the antagonist, and that hurt the story.

Cheers
Rob


Want your script read? PM me your logline. On the off chance it doesn't suck, I'll read your script.
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