Back Soon :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hey JohnnyBoy,

Even though there are a lot of problems with this one, I think it is still ahead of the curve for your first crack at an original script.  One of the problems brought up most often so far is the originality of your original script.  The way I see it, this is the least of your worries.  All artists start out mimicking things that have been done before.  Taking a familiar idea and putting your own twist on it is a fine way to develop your writing chops.  Trying to come up with something that’s never been done before AND trying to learn how to write screenplays at the same time is likely to paralyze you before you start.

Alright, so let’s start with the good stuff.  The format and writing was generally very good.  Some tweaks could be used here and there, but this applies to everyone and is the easiest of things to correct.  Overall the script was amusing (I got a few chuckles out of it), and I was pulled through the story wanting to know how it would be resolved.  Always a good sign!  Folks have mentioned Beetlejuice a lot due to the waiting room convention, but I was reminded of Defending Your Life with Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep.  The bureaucratic process of getting into heaven and all.  I loved the “your soul is important to us” bit – perfecto.  I also like the fact that God’s idea of soon and our idea of soon aren’t quite the same thing.

Now for the trouble spots.  Big-picture-wise, I think I’m most troubled with the “resolution.”  Although it is very fitting, I didn’t find it at all satisfying.  Your main character ends up in Limbo, and that’s where the story leaves us as well.  With this being the end result, all of Steve’s gyrations upon reaching the waiting hall become pointless.  Which I guess is the point.  But with that much activity, and build-up, I was expecting something more.  With the ending as you currently have it, I think you would need to knock this down to less that 10 pages for it to work for an audience.  At 15 pages, we feel somewhat cheated after being set up for something more “meaningful.”  I don’t think it is an inherently bad way to end it, you just have to get us there quicker.

The next big problem I had was with Steve’s motives and ignorance.  He kills himself to be reunited with his dead wife and son, but doesn’t even know if there is an afterlife.  So he’s obviously not a religious person.  Therefore, even if there is an afterlife, what makes him think he’s going to heaven?  He believes he’s a decent person, so he figures this might be good enough, even though he doubts the existence of God and an afterlife, likely doesn’t go to church, and all that goes along with this.  And even if he is willing to risk it all anyway, he seems like a fairly intelligent person who should be aware before killing himself that suicide is considered a sin by all the major religions.  So his logic has this huge hole in it from the outset.  Perhaps he is deranged with grief and isn’t thinking straight, but we never see this.  He’s upset in the car, but appears to be basically in control of his faculties.

I’m also not crazy about the fact that he is as disoriented as he is, especially to the point of forgetting his purpose until the end of page 8.  I would expect Maria and Charlie to be the first thing he thinks of upon waking up in the ticket room.  When told to take a ticket and move along, he should be pressing the old man for information about finding his wife and kid.

The initial dramatic question is, “Why did Steve kill himself.”  You hint at the answer in the opening scene with the line “I’ll find you,” but don’t nail it down for us until page 9 (past the halfway point).  In the meantime, you raise the other dramatic question, “Why the backlog to be judged?” which comes on page 6.  So, at page 9 we have “Will Steve be able to reconnect with his family in heaven?” with the obstacle being, “Will he figure out what's causing the backlog and overcome it?”  The backlog problem is explained to him on page 12 and 13 (through no great effort on his part), and this raises the questions, “Where did God go?  Why did He leave?  And when will He be back?”  These questions are left unanswered, as is the question about whether or not Steve will find his family.  The non-resolution leaves us all in Limbo.  A valid option, but not terribly satisfying.

And (yes there’s more – ain’t I a pain in the ass?), there are a lot of niggling little questions that bother me.  If all this time in Limbo effectively turns people into zombies, do they remain this way in heaven?  Harry believes so, or at least wants Steve to think so.  Why doesn’t Steve swipe a ticket from a zombie with a lower number?  Are we only judged for what we did in life, or also what we do in Limbo?  Was Limbo set up with plastic chairs 2000 years ago?  I don’t doubt they could do it, but it would see odd to see a Dark Ages monk or Roman Legionnaire sitting on cheap lawn furniture (funny though).  And, since God is omnipresent, it means He could have been judging people if He wanted, so I guess he just didn’t want to do it.  But if He ever changes his mind, he should be able clear out the backlog in the blink of an eye – again, that all-powerful thing.  Maybe it’s just me, perhaps no one else is wondering about such silliness.

Okay, enough poking.  I don’t know that this is worth spending a lot more time on unless you are particularly attached to this idea.  I think it serves as a great way to develop your skills and figure out the types of things you need to think about before developing your next masterpiece.  You can certainly tighten and sharpen this script up, but right now it feels a bit like this one is stronger on premise than it is on story.  As I said, I think this wouldn’t be as much of a problem if it were in the 5-8 page range, but at 15 you need to deliver a more solid resolution (with a definitive answer to at least one of the hanging dramatic questions).

Cheers,
-RayB