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hey interesting script, seems like dreamscale covered most of the execution type problems, (thats the most in depth review i've seen of a 12 pager yet.) I agree with 24 grams that the dinner scene verges a little more on the romantic side than two good friends. If your going for creepy then kudos, otherwise maybe something a little more laid back and guyish. I think John's horrible past kind of comes across as just a gimmick for the character, as opposed to actually part of him. There's no real sign that he has anything to hide previously, or has any real trauma until suddenly the cops are there. The past should be expressed (subtly) in his character the whole time for it to work. as for 'oi' i actually occasionally use it myself despite being american, but its not something id put in a script. it would probably work fine if filmed, but kind of makes the reader pause, not in a good way. Also I agree with the others that the philosophy babble definately needs to be toned down. i would figure out which of all those bits are actually relevent to this single piece, as opposed to just using the scenes as a platform to show your opinions. What is this story and these characters about? Also as much as possible show the ideas in their lives, rather than just toss them out in dialogue. I guess most of this was repeats of what other people said, but hopefully it helps. Good luck.
Mine: HARD CASE (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...
APU (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
"I think John's horrible past kind of comes across as just a gimmick for the character, as opposed to actually part of him. There's no real sign that he has anything to hide previously, or has any real trauma until suddenly the cops are there. The past should be expressed (subtly) in his character the whole time for it to work."
That was really helpful. I completely overlooked that as far as putting it in the script was concerned.
The romantic dinner scene I will try to justify in this rewrite I am doing - or just make it much more casual. There isn't supposed to be homosexual subtext, so I will fix that part.
Helpful stuff. Thank you. The rewrite is getting there. It's a lot more of a straight story.
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Into The Night
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