Hey James

A 2 page short so a 2 word review...

...very funny.

Thanks for reading, guys!

I'm noticing a lot of people aren't crazy about the ending and I'm expecting more of the same sentiments from future readers. On the one hand, I suppose it's a fair assessment. Although what else would you have Rob do? His reaction is probably as outrageous as it gets. If this happened at a real restaurant, jaws would drop without question. I initially wanted to have Mark get hit in the face with the sundae and get all bloodied up although I decided not to go that route. I figured the risk of not being funny was too great as that ending would've been considerably dark. I would've liked it to end that way but I don't think it would work for most.

Anyway, like I've said, this is what it is. If it's hard to swallow, I'll bring up the Jack's beef jerky ads with Sasquach. Not sure if anyone's familiar with those ads but they're very much in the same vein as this script.

Heh -- I was not looking at this because I thought it was another birthday thread.

I know there is not much to give you on two pages, but I do have a couple of things.

First, I would have Rob leave the table for a piss, not a shit.  One, because it is just disgusting.  Lots of people announce a piss, but I do not know anybody who announces a shit.  Maybe that is just my friends.  But I suggest this change for another reason as well -- because Rob is only gone for a moment -- and we all know that number 1 usually goes much faster than number 2.

The other change I would recommend is not having Rob guess what is going on, as you have here.  Instead, when the clapping starts, Rob should look around, laugh, and say, "I wonder who is the poor asshole having a birthday", or something like that.

And then it is him, you know?

Also, it is, "I don't know BUT I've been told..."

Some of the descriptive work here is amusing, but yeah, there is not really much to it.  You are better at stuff with a little more heft to it.

Hey, James. I read through the comments here (which I try not to do before reading a script) and have to say that I agree with many that this didn't feel like more than a scene in something bigger. I understand that you didn't intend for it to be anything more, but we write to get better, right? So each script really should have a some kind of story to it. Your writing is good, very good. The story just felt like it needed more to it. As it is, it's hard to care about it at all. You can start with a scene like this and add more to it to make a story. I feel like I'm droning on now, so I'll stop.

Good writing though.

James

Hi James. A very writing with good descriptions, but I think you should give Rob a very good reason why he doesn't want to be his birthday (I don't know why but I thought at the nonsense scene in Gremlins where the girl explains why she does'nt like Xmas)

Anyway, it was fun...

Michel