Hey Richard, this didn't really work for me. To start with I don't think the title is great, it sounds more like the setup for a joke rather than a film title. It also gives away the fact that the girl in the story is a vampire, something which you would be better off disguising.

The opening description felt like you were trying to be too literary. Also I don't know if it is necessary to have the raven, what is the point? You coul have just started in the bar with the actual story.

Just after you introduce Colin you have 'he glares at the barmaid's chest...'. You need to CAP barmaid because it is the first time you are introducing the character, you hadn't even mentioned that there was a barmaid.

The line 'this place wreaks of half-baked razzmatazz' feels very awkward and strange. What does it even mean? The word is also spelled 'reeked' and not 'wreaked'.

You also need to CAP the two older women who walk up to the bar.

The bet that Sally makes with Colin seems strange. One minute she is saying there's not a chance in hell she will go out the back with him, and a second later she is changing her mind. Why would she agree to that bet if she were so disgusted by him?

You also have a few instances here and later on in the script where you have spaces between sentences in the dialogue. You don't need to have spaces there, it is not correct format.

CAP the Asian girl when you introduce her.

Few spelling and grammar issues here as well, 'your' instead of 'you're' etc.

When he sits down next to the Asian girl, why does she say 'I hope your not going to be trouble? Seems like an unlikely thing to say. Again, it is 'you're' not 'your'.

'Colin coughs at the foul green stench emitting from Lily's mouth.' How can a stench be green? How do we see a stench?

He notices a body slumped in the door of the toilet. Is this an everyday thing that he just ignores? Does nobody else in the room get suspicious that there is a body lying in the doorway to the bathroom?

Okay so even we know the chick is a vampire from the title of the film, it still feels out of place to have her just turn into a vampire. Maybe it's just me and I think that every second story seems to have vampires in them now, but it wasn't really set up earlier in the story so it feels like it came out of nowhere.

Having Mildred standing over the body was a jolt because I didn't even know who Mildred was. I had to go back and check and prior to that we only had a glance at her. If you are going to have her feature this prominently it would be a good idea to introduce her to us earlier on and at least have a line or two so we know who she is. Otherwise it is just too random.

If that was the third one this week, wouldn't they be on alert? Wouldn't Colin have realised earlier that she was most likely a vampire, especially after he saw the body in the doorway? I also don't understand what is meant by the line 'boiled sweet anyone?'

So I am guessing the end is supposed to be funny, but it feels flat. What is it with vampires and bingo? Like i said before, it feels like you are providing the setup for a joke but have failed to give us the punchline.

I think it needs a bit more thought put into it and a good edit before it will be up to scratch.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hey cat,

Sorry to say it but I think you took a step backwards on this draft. All the typo's remain and where you had so little to connect the vampire theme to the story in the previous draft, this is so on the nose that it's completely unbelievable. Green coming out of a chick's mouth is bad enough but a dead body as well in what seems to be known as a frequently visit vampire joint. Doesn't work.

It's not that I mind the horror comedy stuff, just the tone is all over and is illogical. Maintaining the suspension of disbelief is ciritcal and the new changes send it out the window. Plus, I was looking forward to hearing the clever line as to why vampires love bingo but it never came. That would've at least provided a punch line.

hey Richard,

I must say, spelling and grammatical errors aside, I enjoyed this script up until Colin first talks to Lily. This section seemed like fairly realistic and reminded me of two low-lifes who do nothing but hang out at the bar. I wouldnt make Colin so physically unappealing however. Maybe he should have a little bit of weight, but definitely not so short. I originally pictured Colin as a casanova has-been who has grown a bit too old for his game.

When Colin and the vampire start talking, then the major dilemmas start to surface. These two poster have alreay addressed these concerns, so I wont repeat them.

So in conclusion, take some time off from working on this script, come back in a week or two, edit it, and let me know when its back up. Id really like to read it again once youve got some of the kinks worked out

Hi pia, thanks for the comments. Think you may be right about the word glare.

Bingo's become quite popular over here, in reality you get a strange mix of old women and groups of teenage girls, and the odd lonely man from what ive heard. Only been once.

Colin's character is  a bit of a cop out for me when it comes to the cowboy thing, as whatever i would get wrong in the look, colin could also get it wrong, He's kind of aware but not exactly an expert on the look if you get me. I agree that he's  cartoonish and this could be toned down if im introducing a horror element.

Trojan's analysis above seems spot on to me.

The combination of bingo and demonic creatures could be a good one - but you need to sharpen the piece up for the idea to really work. Wish I could be more specific. Maybe either make the story more about Lily or give Colin's story more prominence and closure?

Contrary to one of the other comments above, the opening dialogue didn't work for me. Sally's disgust was too over the top for the bet to be credible. If she finds him so repulsive, why not just give him a wide berth?

This sort of reminded me of From Dusk Til Dawn in the sense that I enjoyed everything until the vampire showed up. If Lily loves bingo so much, why would she blow her cover in the middle of a game?

I liked the fact that Lily loved bingo, it was strange and off beat. I liked your title as well... I sorta knew what to expect. But even still, the tone shift was pretty drastic. In the setup, we have something very real going on, nothing about vampires... at all. Not even a pun or a mention of vampires. Then, bam! Dead body in the lady's room and Lily bites Colin's neck. Sure, it offers a big surprise, but meh. Didn't quite work for me.

Do like the final line -- What is it with them and bingo? -- Who, the Chinese? -- No! Vampires!

However, it did feel forced, didn't sound right coming out of Sally's mouth. We don't really see her as a dumb character, then she misinterprets Colin's comment. Of course he's talking about vampires! He's bleeding from his bloody neck!

Richard, I had to read this one simply because of the title. The logline doesn't give us much, maybe that was intentional.

The opening gag was pretty good with the raven. Much of this felt like Mel Brooks. You have some good humor in there but it probably needs the right audience. The dialogue structure started to bother me with all of the skipped lines, I assume these are meant to be beats? I think ellipses do the job just fine without skipping lines.

Pretty good writing, good pacing with the jokes and a good idea.

James

Hey Richard,

I see you're new. Welcome aboard.  

I've seen both drafts of this one. The second script you have added three pages. I like the addition so far, but I think it still needs more work. You have been given some good advise by other members and I have to agree with a lot of what they have said...

The vampire comes out of nowhere. What if we didn't know the title?

I think you should set something up in the beginning, not the title, but maybe a flyer on the door saying ABSOLUTELY NO VAMPIRES ALLOWED. ??? Maybe even have mirrors all over the bingo hall, and the one by Lily is covered with something. ???

Then too, you might want to add a little twist at the end. Maybe Lily isn't a vampire. Maybe Lily is in on it with the barmaid, trying to get the cowboy out of the bingo hall at least for one evening, and we find this out after the cowboy runs out of the bingo hall, and fake vampire teeth fall out of Lily's mouth. ???

There's a lot you can do with this. I think it could be quite good if you correct grammar, and do some work to the story.

P.S. I liked the raven.  

Cindy

Looking over your script again, noticed a couple of things.

The most glaring of all, Lily shouldn't just jump out like that. This is a good oppurtunity to create a scary playful banter. Figure out some reason why Colin would drive her crazy. She's acting odd but Colin thinks it's flirty. Maybe she leans in around the church line and draws back when he produces a crucifix. He mistakes her repulsion or the cross for the repulsion of his crass behavior. Eventually they go back and forth until somehow he's cut open, you get the drill. Just an idea.

Oh, and rephrase "jams her foot into his crotch." I know what you're getting at but it just sounds unmistakably painful and incapable of being confused for flirtation.

Hi all, Id like to thank you for your reviews and comments. Its become obvious that I need to put this one aside for awhile and have a think, and take all thats been said on board.

My big problem seems to be how to set this all up, i might lengthen the whole thing, add some characters, backstory etc, as i like the combination of sex, bingo and vampires.

That said im still learning and it's my mistakes that'll make me better.

I won't bother to add much to what has already been said, as you have indicated that you're taking it on board - I would agree with pretty much everything already posted.

What I would say is that, instead of trying a rewrite, or tinkering with projects, I have always found the best way forward to literally to junk the script, and start again from scratch - you can find yourself bogged down with what you have already written and tie yourself into knots trying to work new and old together.

One thing I would say in this script's favour - loved the bit where Colin gets off the chair and is revealed to be short! That is something I would keep!!!

As far as I can tell this seems to be the 3rd version of this story you have posted up. Instead of continuing to have new threads going why don't you just re-submit the story in the original thread? As it is I have to wonder why you keep persisting with this one when you could simply come up with a new story altogether.

I mean it is better without the vampires in it but it still has problems and is a bit strange. Now you have Colin as some former disco singer or something in South Africa? It feels like you are trying to force the story here and the fact that you have played with it so much is a sign that it isn't working. The middle part is the same and you have just tacked on a new beginning and ending, which doesn't work IMO.

I was confused as to the scene with the woman in the bathroom stall, what was the point of it? Why do you have character names twice in a row in dialogue when nobody else is speaking in between? If it is still the same character speaking you don't have to list their name again. There are also numerous spelling and grammar mistakes, passive writing and I'm not sure why you use CAPS everytime for a colour.

Basically what I'm getting at is instead of spending so much time trying to rework this story you would be better off getting the basics handled. Spelling, grammar, format etc. Then try and come up with some new stories because this one just feels forced and stale by now.

Cheers,
Tim.

I had a look at this the last time around and this is a little better.

As I said before, Colin is too much like my brother in law for comfort.

I'm not quite sure where you're going with this one. With the changes you've made you could have just as easily written another short. We all fall in love with our own scripts and characters, but there comes a time...

Also remember that every review, no matter what it says, is a compliment.

If you don't know how to post on the same thread, there's never any harm in asking for advise.

Keep shooting Cat, we're all here to learn.

I read your last version and actually I think that was better than this. Sorry but I couldn't finish the script because I was still in confusion on page 5.

Since I read your last version I sort of knew what the story is about, but the first few pages just don't do much to your overall story. Who is Jack Rabbit in the truck? Why the woman asking for tissue paper in the washroom?

I'd actually prefer that you start your main story as soon as possible. Especially in a short.

Thanks for the reviews guys it's always appreciated. Sorry for the late reply i've been away for awhile.

At this moment I'm just trying to figure out what works and what doesn't so your comments are always grateful. I'm definately gonna come up with something new though as this is getting a bit tiresome. Onwards and upwards.

Thanks.

Cathead.