Quoted from screenrider By the way I'm curious, did Mike Shelton break his neck?  His head is always tilted to the right.

Quoted from screenrider Not funny...not even.

Look at that, you just answered yourself.

Quoted from screenrider By the way I'm curious, did Mike Shelton break his neck?  His head is always tilted to the right.

Damn, Mike.  I though it was only Jeff who tilted.

I will get to the religious aspect (or lack of) in a minute. But first…
You don’t fade in or fade out. You did not explain the characters at all except GOD and then you over explained him.
Your opening speech was too long. Keep the dialog shorter.
Too many parenthetical’s, try and use them a little less.
The opening dialog between Joseph and Chaurly made no sense. It just seemed like filler.
As to the content; It’s been done and done and done again on every satire show imaginable so it really wasn’t funny in that sense. The old Jerry Springer bit has been wringed to death.
You do have some talent in your writing but you are acting like a kid with a loaded pen. If you apply your talent to something that is unique, then you have something. But shock alone mixed with a lot writing issues make this for a pretty poor read. Sorry.

Shawn.....><

thanks for the read ledbetter- your critiques are valid and ill definitely consider them for rewrite. also, i encourage you to read my other scripts. a lot of people have found them to be a lot wittier and very creative - and PG rated.

i think when you go after religion, people think you're just trying to be shocking. as i mentioned in an earlier post, maybe its because ive been hanging around too many blasphemors for too long. i was also trying to criticize shows like maury, but when religions in the mix, i guess it gets in the way.

Hey  albinopenguin ,
Just let me know what other reads you would like me to read and I will. And yes you are right. When you go after a faith or a lifestyle you open yourself up for someone not reading the content but critique through the filters of their own beliefs.  

Trust me; your comment about when religion is in the mix, the story can get lost is very true. I wrote a script in a challenge here about an over the top gay man and his chubby little brother. Some thought the script was hilarious, some not funny at all. They were commenting on the content. A few hammered me solely on the fact I was making fun of gay people. They totally missed the point I was making fun over every single person in the script. They only focused on what beliefs were.

You have skills. I don’t know how long you have been writing but the writing mistakes you make are easy to solve. The natural skill can’t be taught. It comes as a gift. Hone the writing part and choose what you write as you would choose what to put on a business card or a resume because that is how people will form their professional opinion of you. Take care.

Shawn....><

albinopenguin...

For the record, I'm not really a religious man so I wasn't offended.  But having said that...

I read you previous script, "To molest a molester,"  which was a rip-off from the show "To catch a predator."  I found that funny but this...

Is a bad episode of Jerry Springer.  A rip-off of the Maury Povich show.  This is exactly what this is.  Nothing more, nothing less.  This was very predictable from start to finish.  Especially, your "SUPERMAN," jokes.  What was your intent here, to glorify them or gunshot them?
Matter of fact, I think you were in too much of a rush to get this out and you tried to hard to make this funny.  Here's the deal... "You can't make people laugh, you have to let them laugh."

Some of you dialogue dragged, especially, between Chaurly and Joseph when he was first introduced.  Someone throws a rock at Mary and hits her in the head.  Once or twice but I counted 4 times.  This was tedious and tiresome as well as the crowd hollers and boo's.  Get more creative.

When you introduced god, that whole paragraph could definitely be worded much better then what it is.  You say he's dressed like a gangster, then proceed to describe it.  If your going to do that, then just take out "he's dressed like a gangster," and press on with your description.  This is like saying, he's dressed as a policeman.  Blue uniform, badge, gun, bus boy hat ect.

I'd lose some of the ellipses.  If your going to leave your characters in all CAPS, then you need to be consistant.  A few instances when you didn't do that.  Look at God on page#7.

Page#10, that whole paragraph which starts with Joseph reads awkward.  I'd re-do that one too.

Personally, I would have made Mary atleast eighteen and not (15).  I didn't find this funny not one bit.

Your ending... you could have threw in sometype of a twist here but you didn't.  To your credit, you did play this out like one of those typical shows, so I can only say, fair enough.

With any comedy, Whether it's dark... romantic... slapstick... ect..., some people will laugh out loud and others will say, "What was so funny about that?"

Needless to say for me, it was the latter.  Overall, your writing was good but your story like those shows, did nothing for me.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter

hey ghostwriter22, thanks for the read - and the detailed suggestions. they will definitely assist me in the rewrite.

and as a matter of fact, you're right. looking back on it, i wrote this script within 2 days. i loved the idea so much, that i threw in some cheap gags to keep it moving.

i think the other problem im running into (both with this and to molest a molestor), is that im mocking shows that have a pretty familiar formula. these shows can be tedious, boring, and downright filthy because they appeal to the lowest common denominator of audiences. so when i copy these shows, a lot of that formula is also copied. i need to think of a way to shake this up a bit. for now though, im getting an idea of what works and what doesnt work - and what seems to work is an original story, not mocking anything like my script abra kadabra

albinopenguin
Not to plug my own script but try reading "TO HAVE OR TO HOLD". It is a short script done around a game show but with (what I think) is a twist.

Led...

Will

Like Ajr, I too love a liberal dollop of irreverence now and again.

First off, this had a good premise with the Jerry Springer parody, sure its been done before but there is so a rich field to mine here its hard not to go back to it. Also you boasted a superb line on the second page: "So let’s allow Mary to elaborate for a little while before you all decide to go Old Testament on her ass." the whole stoning reference (I presume) being a homage to The Monty Python's "Life of Brian", always great source material to work with.

CHAURLY
For the ratings. Now stop trying to hog
airtime for yourself Joseph. It’s time
for your whore of a wife to come clean.

-- Ha, I'm loving the badass presenter,.

"The audience hoots and hollers. Curse words are beeped out.
Someone in the audience throws a rock at MARY and it hits
her in the head." -- I appreciate the repetition, those audiences always seem to have the exact same reaction when something risque is said anyway. Was this your intention or were you just being lazy.

JOSEPH
Why couldn’t you just tell me at home? -- Something we all must contemplate when watching these shows, why oh why would they go this route...paid actors maybe?

"GOD gives the audience the middle finger and curses at them
before sitting down next to JOSEPH." -- Right on, God, just like the good ole multi-tattoo'd, mono syllabic, cheating red necks that populate these shows.

GOD
Well it wasn’t no silent night that’s
for sure! -- Great line.

GOD
(while taking a hit from a bong)
Speak for yourself. -- Maybe overstepped it here, felt too "inserted" if you know what I mean, it sticks out as mere placement for a cheap laugh plus it doesn't fit with the rest of the piece and its tone. Personally, I'd recommend sticking to the piss taking and witty one liners which you have plenty of going on here.

Everyone in the audience, including GOD, boo’s and hollers at MARY. -- Ha, that God is a piece of work. Just picturing all this is making me smile.

The repeated stoning, although initially funny, probably wears a bit thin on the third and fourth time.

Overall, I think you done a solid job with this, Will. It made me laugh on a number of occasions throughout and I'm not really one for comedy. It seems you are cultivating a TV-show parody genre for yourself here and I will say that I found this to be a better realised effort than your "Molester" piss take, a definite improvement in my opinion.

Good effort.

Col.

hey Col,

thanks so much for the read. and as you can see, you're one of the very few who enjoyed the script. in fact, i was all ready to revise my script, but after reading your review im not sure what to keep and what to lose haha but i think thats because you read it the way i wanted people to read it - half religous satire and half maury parody. i'll definitely work on the stoning bit and the audience's chanting (i did put in there because its the same reaction over and over on maury, not out of laziness). but even that could use some fine tuning. maybe a few random shouts here and there. at any rate, your comments definitely helped and i appreciate the read

Albinopenguin,

I thought your short script had a great premise. I was sucked in right from the beginning, thinking "Why didn't I think of this." I really think this script has promise and I would urge you not to abandon it. Also, if this style really floats your boat, then I don't see any reason to tone it down. I haven't read any of your PG scripts yet, but I will, but I really liked this.

What I like about the script is your premise and your humor. Some of the lines could be cut down and I agree that the stoning does get repetitive, but those are minor details. Overall, the tone of your film is perfect

I think the main reason why this script would not be picked up for production the lack of character arc. Now, I'd have to think about it further, but at the end of the script, when the test results came, I was unsatisfied. You built up the tension well, but the end seemed so abrupt. The characters all had very flat arcs, which is fine for God and Joseph, but I think Mary should have something happen to her internally. I know you were going for a dark comedy, so this gives you the opportunity to find the truth about why Mary cheat and make fun of her for it.

A satisfying arc is really all you need in this script. You've got the tone down and you've got the humor down. Once you have the characters down, I think you will have a first rate short.

Lol.  How could I come across this title and not want to read it?  :-)

What's up, Will?

I see it's been a little while since this thread's been touched, so I'm guessing this might be a story you might have shelved or are happy with that you won't be writing any new drafts of it, so I won't bring up anything about format and typos and just straight up tell you what I thought about it.

Actually, I liked it.  It had it's funny parts.  It also had it's parts that were a little tedious, but that might have just been me not getting the references.  (Mainly just Esther.  She sounds familiar and you bring up John the Baptist with her reference, but I just can't place her story for some reason.)

But overall, I think the skit worked.  Yeah, talk show parodies have been done to death, but that's NEVER going to end, so at least you packed some laughs into it that worked for the most part.

P.S.  -  The stoning thing was hilarious as hell the first time, but wore off very fast after that.

And I still want to know who the father is, bitch!  How can you title it that and never even tell us who the father is?

I'll bet it's Jonah.  I never trusted that shady prick.  "I lived inside a whale for 3 days!"  my ass.  All that digestive acid in the whale's stomach would've eaten his skin right off, that lying prick.

:-)  Anyway, I thought the skit was funny.  Good job on it.

- Mark

haha thanks so much Mark! your feedback is definitely appreciated and will be taken into consideration. I'm actually not sure if I'm ever going to rewrite this one. to be honest with you (and I find this story hilarious), my uber-Christian mother found this screenplay and literally wailed when she read it. now, mind you, I'm a 24 year old guy who lives on my own. but i accidentally left a USB stick in her compy and voila...instant disownage. ever since then, i havent been able to bring myself to reread my own screenplay. the worst part is, i dont know why.

regardless, im really glad you enjoyed this as much as i did (until my mother started praying for my soul on a daily basis)

Hey Albinopenguin

Gave this one a read to.

Structurally I didnt see anything negative that stood out. Now as Ive posted elsewhere Im new to writting screenplays, so I cant get comfortable with pointing out what I may think are mistakes, cause I need work in that area myself lol.

But a question, from what I have read in the script writters books repeating lines are discouraged I THINK. Now twice Mary is hit in the head with a rock and says ouch or ow. Is that intentional when you wrote it? And would that be a case of the "repeating" that is mentioned in the books Ive read?

As far as the story I liked it. It had some clever parts, especially the depiction of "God". I dont consider myself a religious individual so much as a spiritual one.

So what could be considered blasphemy here by some doesnt bother me. Actually I like to mess with peoples cherished orthodoxy  (Left wingers, Right wingers, Athiest, religious zealots ect ect).

But not out of any mean hearted way, I just think people can get to fixated on any one "idea" they can lose the bigger picture, but thats just M.O.

Now who IS the father btw? lol

Keep up the good work!

Hey, Albi-P,

Gave this one a go.  Great writing.  Enjoyed the concept, and alot of the jokes as well.

Buuuuuttttttt.....speaking as someone who just wrote a Biblical comedy myself (and who's been atheist as long as I can remember), the God protrayal *did not* do it for me.  I know you wrote the character to follow the cliche that's seen on daytime talk shows.  But it actually was offensive, even to me.  

Leaving that aside (and now speaking simply as a writer), I think the script would have played considerably better if God had been a respectible character who finds himself in an unexpected bind due to an indiscretion - while leaving all of the other aspects of the story as-is.

Oh, and Mary getting stoned in the head three times? Mix it up a bit - have a stone hit her in the shoulder, or something.  Have one bounce off Josef or the host.  Just for varieties sake!  

IMHO and cheers,

--WV (Janet)