Who's Your Heavenly Father Bitch? by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Short - Two men, one woman, and the Christ child. Who's the father? 10 pages - pdf, format

Let me start this by saying that I'm probably the most irreligious and irreverent person you'll meet in any given day...

Having said that, this was a cute premise that might have worked as a daydream of a student during bible study or a priest questioning his faith.  As you have it set up, we're to believe that this actually happened.

Now on to the content. First, the stoning and the "God as a person" bits were done to perfection - in a semi-tasteful and VERY funny way - by Monty Python and Family Guy, respectively. Your jokes are done for shock value and I didn't find any of them funny.

Different and/or shocking does not always mean interesting or relevant - I usually take Marilyn Manson as an example - boil away the gimmick and you've got some pretty bad heavy metal music.

My guess is that you're going to get flamed for the content in this, and you'll defend yourself by claiming that the attackers are prudes or religious nuts.  In the end, I think you just need to re-visit a somewhat cute and different concept and re-do it in a way that's not just shock for shock's sake.

AJR

Yo dude. I think you're really starting to hone your style at this point. Part satire, part loud, obnoxious and unapologetic. That's the pattern I'm starting to see in your work anyway. The angst of growing up in a faux Bible Belt shows through as well. In short, you're really starting to incorporate your personality into your scripts which shows you're getting the hang of things.

The premise was pretty genius. Well, maybe not genius but pretty damn clever just the same. One or two jokes may have gone over my head. You know me. "Heathen." I don't know who the fuck Esther is but was still able to draw the parallel based on the Maury show comparison.

A couple of suggestions. First off, God as a "gangster" was a little too easy. It's not a bad concept to start with but it was a little too by-the-numbers. I think you could've taken it further and given him something uniquely him. Lil Wayne has basically made cough syrup his pimp goblet in the eyes of the public, for example. No other rappers are known for that. Something along those lines. I would also lose the "blasphemies" (that is, "goddamn," "Christ," etc). First off, Maury isn't on cable so pretty anything remotely offensive would be bleeped out. More than what you've already bleeped out. Secondly, since this is occurring before Jesus grows up and gets his ass martyred, the words don't have the same poignancy or relevance.

Other than that, not bad. I know you were really excited about this one but I have to say I liked To Molest A Molester better. That one was pretty close to classic. Just me though.

ajr, thanks for the read, but im going to have to thoroughly disagree. first, i dont think family guy was ever funny- and all they do are jokes for shock value. second, shock value works as long as its smart and creative. although i try to stay away from jokes which are done for shock value, i cant help the way they are viewed. maybe its because i went to church for 15 years that i dont see them as shocking. last, i doubt im going to get flamed for content. have you read some of the other religous scripts on SS? no body criticizes them.

james, thanks so much for offering advice that i could actually work with. i know the scripts far from perfect, but i need to know specifics for the rewrite. and your advice offered just that. i agree with everything you said. thanks buddy.

ab,

Okay, explain this to me then, since your justification for your "smart and creative" shock material is that you went to church for 15 years (as did I).

Do you know the difference between satirizing religious dogma and writing a script where God is a "gangsta" character and uses words like m'effer?

The difference is that you started out doing the former, which I noted in my review as being somewhat creative, and you ended up doing the latter, which, to me, is cheap, lazy and unfunny.

Agree to disagree I guess...

ajr, i still dont see how you can be a family guy fan after describing your views. when i talked about going to church for 15 years, i was explaining why jokes about God aren't that shocking to me anymore. ive heard a lot of blasphemous humor - and i dont find any of it offensive.

heres the dilemma that i had when writing this sketch - how far do i want to alienate my audience? i wanted this script to appeal to people who are knowledgable about the bible and those who arent. only those people who know the bible through and through would get the references to Stephen and Esther.

also, i think you need to keep in mind that this script is a spoof of maury as well. god is a gangster because thats how guests on maury act. then again, maybe i watch too much daytime television.

alb,

First, yes, I'm a Family Guy fan, and second, I wasn't shocked - I just didn't laugh.  What I said was that you used profanity AS humor, not as the amplification of humor.

Even your friend said that all the words you used would have been bleeped in your premise.  If every fourth word that God used was bleeped?  Might have been funny.

You say that the "Maury" setup lends itself to those characters.  So what if Joseph was the deadbeat dad, plus the beeps over the language, and God was a busy executive who never got off his cell phone?  Or a little, nebbishy nerd?  Or a re-enactment of Tom Bosley from "Happy Days"?  Making THOSE situations funny would be good writing...

Again, the "who's your daddy?" aspect of this?  Funny premise. But the rest of the script was not making fun of dogma; it was a parody of Springer, Maury, etc. and we've seen those on SNL, Mad TV and the like ad naseum...

If you hadn't "thoroughly disagreed" with me right away I might have been encouraged to share these thoughts and suggestions with you before...  (0:

Quoted Text If you hadn't "thoroughly disagreed" with me right away I might have been encouraged to share these thoughts and suggestions with you before...  (0:

actually thoughts and suggestions would of been appreciated in your first post. thats why we're here, to offer constructive criticism to each other. i have no problem you saying that you didnt like my script. but just saying that you didnt like my script isnt useful to me at all. you might as well not even posted

and for the record, ive never seen a business exec on maury...

I count five paragraphs in my first post, in which I told you I thought the concept was good and told you in what vein I thought it would work better, but that I didn't care for your execution.

Re-read it - I never said I didn't like your script, and AGAIN, I quite like the premise - I said I didn't find the jokes funny.

Good concept, poor execution - sounds like advice to me?

a sentence isnt a paragraph. and even if you do count it as a paragraph, five paragraphs should not equal a simple "good concept, poor execution." i need specifics.

and yes, i know you never said "i didnt like your script." in my previous post, i mistakingly wrote "you didnt like my script" instead of "someone not liking my script." i wanted my post to be more generic, rather than specific. but that was my fault obviously, not yours.

Then next time ask for clarity instead of thoroughly disagreeing and I'm sure any of us would be more than happy to provide it.

I knew it. I knew it all along. Snoop Dogg is God.

Ha this was a hoot to read. Loved it.

Didn't quite catch who the real father of Jesus was. Was expecting A horny goat Satan to walk on stage at the end to collect his baby jesus but the script just kind of stopped and we never find out who the father is. Unless I just missed it.  

hey tonka, thanks so much for the read and im glad you enjoyed it.

actually, about the father thing- i was thinking about having king herod come by with the fake glasses, nose, and mustache on and calling himself Joe and saying that he'll take care of the baby...but i figured ill wait til the rewrite to see if someone else wanted to know what happens to the baby. so thanks for the help!

Quoted from screenrider You're treading on hallowed ground, Albino.   I'm thinking Phil Clarke Jr. might've had you in mind when he wrote Bad Penguin.   Okay, I should probably leave his name out of this being that he's a born-again athiest.  But it was a funny thought.  As for me, I'm a born-again Christian, so it's no surprise to you I see this script as an outright abomination.   Not even funny.   You're spitting directly into the face of God himself.   On a positive note I'll say I really enjoyed your script Abra Kadabra.  You've got talent.   But this one ain't happening.   Just my opinion.  Take it or leave it.

Yeah, I can imagine how the content of this could just creep up on you, given how ambiguous the title is and all.

hey screenrider, thanks for the read and the compliments. my apologies if i offended you. if i might add, i think its very respectable and brave of you to go onto a forum and say youre a born again Christian - you must get a lot of shit for it. i would know, i used to be the same way as you (and i still am to a degree, but we wont get into that now haha)

in all actuality, im getting the best response from those scripts which are PG rated - both Abra Kadabra and Male Implants are being produced. since id much prefer to have my scripts produced rather than be "shocking," i think im going to tone it down a lot. i love dark comedy - its just hard making it PG rated haha

anyways, screenrider, you have my sincerest apologies and my utmost respect- just wanted you to know

Quoted from screenrider By the way I'm curious, did Mike Shelton break his neck?  His head is always tilted to the right.

Quoted from screenrider Not funny...not even.

Look at that, you just answered yourself.

Quoted from screenrider By the way I'm curious, did Mike Shelton break his neck?  His head is always tilted to the right.

Damn, Mike.  I though it was only Jeff who tilted.

I will get to the religious aspect (or lack of) in a minute. But first…
You don’t fade in or fade out. You did not explain the characters at all except GOD and then you over explained him.
Your opening speech was too long. Keep the dialog shorter.
Too many parenthetical’s, try and use them a little less.
The opening dialog between Joseph and Chaurly made no sense. It just seemed like filler.
As to the content; It’s been done and done and done again on every satire show imaginable so it really wasn’t funny in that sense. The old Jerry Springer bit has been wringed to death.
You do have some talent in your writing but you are acting like a kid with a loaded pen. If you apply your talent to something that is unique, then you have something. But shock alone mixed with a lot writing issues make this for a pretty poor read. Sorry.

Shawn.....><

thanks for the read ledbetter- your critiques are valid and ill definitely consider them for rewrite. also, i encourage you to read my other scripts. a lot of people have found them to be a lot wittier and very creative - and PG rated.

i think when you go after religion, people think you're just trying to be shocking. as i mentioned in an earlier post, maybe its because ive been hanging around too many blasphemors for too long. i was also trying to criticize shows like maury, but when religions in the mix, i guess it gets in the way.

Hey  albinopenguin ,
Just let me know what other reads you would like me to read and I will. And yes you are right. When you go after a faith or a lifestyle you open yourself up for someone not reading the content but critique through the filters of their own beliefs.  

Trust me; your comment about when religion is in the mix, the story can get lost is very true. I wrote a script in a challenge here about an over the top gay man and his chubby little brother. Some thought the script was hilarious, some not funny at all. They were commenting on the content. A few hammered me solely on the fact I was making fun of gay people. They totally missed the point I was making fun over every single person in the script. They only focused on what beliefs were.

You have skills. I don’t know how long you have been writing but the writing mistakes you make are easy to solve. The natural skill can’t be taught. It comes as a gift. Hone the writing part and choose what you write as you would choose what to put on a business card or a resume because that is how people will form their professional opinion of you. Take care.

Shawn....><

albinopenguin...

For the record, I'm not really a religious man so I wasn't offended.  But having said that...

I read you previous script, "To molest a molester,"  which was a rip-off from the show "To catch a predator."  I found that funny but this...

Is a bad episode of Jerry Springer.  A rip-off of the Maury Povich show.  This is exactly what this is.  Nothing more, nothing less.  This was very predictable from start to finish.  Especially, your "SUPERMAN," jokes.  What was your intent here, to glorify them or gunshot them?
Matter of fact, I think you were in too much of a rush to get this out and you tried to hard to make this funny.  Here's the deal... "You can't make people laugh, you have to let them laugh."

Some of you dialogue dragged, especially, between Chaurly and Joseph when he was first introduced.  Someone throws a rock at Mary and hits her in the head.  Once or twice but I counted 4 times.  This was tedious and tiresome as well as the crowd hollers and boo's.  Get more creative.

When you introduced god, that whole paragraph could definitely be worded much better then what it is.  You say he's dressed like a gangster, then proceed to describe it.  If your going to do that, then just take out "he's dressed like a gangster," and press on with your description.  This is like saying, he's dressed as a policeman.  Blue uniform, badge, gun, bus boy hat ect.

I'd lose some of the ellipses.  If your going to leave your characters in all CAPS, then you need to be consistant.  A few instances when you didn't do that.  Look at God on page#7.

Page#10, that whole paragraph which starts with Joseph reads awkward.  I'd re-do that one too.

Personally, I would have made Mary atleast eighteen and not (15).  I didn't find this funny not one bit.

Your ending... you could have threw in sometype of a twist here but you didn't.  To your credit, you did play this out like one of those typical shows, so I can only say, fair enough.

With any comedy, Whether it's dark... romantic... slapstick... ect..., some people will laugh out loud and others will say, "What was so funny about that?"

Needless to say for me, it was the latter.  Overall, your writing was good but your story like those shows, did nothing for me.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter

hey ghostwriter22, thanks for the read - and the detailed suggestions. they will definitely assist me in the rewrite.

and as a matter of fact, you're right. looking back on it, i wrote this script within 2 days. i loved the idea so much, that i threw in some cheap gags to keep it moving.

i think the other problem im running into (both with this and to molest a molestor), is that im mocking shows that have a pretty familiar formula. these shows can be tedious, boring, and downright filthy because they appeal to the lowest common denominator of audiences. so when i copy these shows, a lot of that formula is also copied. i need to think of a way to shake this up a bit. for now though, im getting an idea of what works and what doesnt work - and what seems to work is an original story, not mocking anything like my script abra kadabra

albinopenguin
Not to plug my own script but try reading "TO HAVE OR TO HOLD". It is a short script done around a game show but with (what I think) is a twist.

Led...

Will

Like Ajr, I too love a liberal dollop of irreverence now and again.

First off, this had a good premise with the Jerry Springer parody, sure its been done before but there is so a rich field to mine here its hard not to go back to it. Also you boasted a superb line on the second page: "So let’s allow Mary to elaborate for a little while before you all decide to go Old Testament on her ass." the whole stoning reference (I presume) being a homage to The Monty Python's "Life of Brian", always great source material to work with.

CHAURLY
For the ratings. Now stop trying to hog
airtime for yourself Joseph. It’s time
for your whore of a wife to come clean.

-- Ha, I'm loving the badass presenter,.

"The audience hoots and hollers. Curse words are beeped out.
Someone in the audience throws a rock at MARY and it hits
her in the head." -- I appreciate the repetition, those audiences always seem to have the exact same reaction when something risque is said anyway. Was this your intention or were you just being lazy.

JOSEPH
Why couldn’t you just tell me at home? -- Something we all must contemplate when watching these shows, why oh why would they go this route...paid actors maybe?

"GOD gives the audience the middle finger and curses at them
before sitting down next to JOSEPH." -- Right on, God, just like the good ole multi-tattoo'd, mono syllabic, cheating red necks that populate these shows.

GOD
Well it wasn’t no silent night that’s
for sure! -- Great line.

GOD
(while taking a hit from a bong)
Speak for yourself. -- Maybe overstepped it here, felt too "inserted" if you know what I mean, it sticks out as mere placement for a cheap laugh plus it doesn't fit with the rest of the piece and its tone. Personally, I'd recommend sticking to the piss taking and witty one liners which you have plenty of going on here.

Everyone in the audience, including GOD, boo’s and hollers at MARY. -- Ha, that God is a piece of work. Just picturing all this is making me smile.

The repeated stoning, although initially funny, probably wears a bit thin on the third and fourth time.

Overall, I think you done a solid job with this, Will. It made me laugh on a number of occasions throughout and I'm not really one for comedy. It seems you are cultivating a TV-show parody genre for yourself here and I will say that I found this to be a better realised effort than your "Molester" piss take, a definite improvement in my opinion.

Good effort.

Col.

hey Col,

thanks so much for the read. and as you can see, you're one of the very few who enjoyed the script. in fact, i was all ready to revise my script, but after reading your review im not sure what to keep and what to lose haha but i think thats because you read it the way i wanted people to read it - half religous satire and half maury parody. i'll definitely work on the stoning bit and the audience's chanting (i did put in there because its the same reaction over and over on maury, not out of laziness). but even that could use some fine tuning. maybe a few random shouts here and there. at any rate, your comments definitely helped and i appreciate the read

Albinopenguin,

I thought your short script had a great premise. I was sucked in right from the beginning, thinking "Why didn't I think of this." I really think this script has promise and I would urge you not to abandon it. Also, if this style really floats your boat, then I don't see any reason to tone it down. I haven't read any of your PG scripts yet, but I will, but I really liked this.

What I like about the script is your premise and your humor. Some of the lines could be cut down and I agree that the stoning does get repetitive, but those are minor details. Overall, the tone of your film is perfect

I think the main reason why this script would not be picked up for production the lack of character arc. Now, I'd have to think about it further, but at the end of the script, when the test results came, I was unsatisfied. You built up the tension well, but the end seemed so abrupt. The characters all had very flat arcs, which is fine for God and Joseph, but I think Mary should have something happen to her internally. I know you were going for a dark comedy, so this gives you the opportunity to find the truth about why Mary cheat and make fun of her for it.

A satisfying arc is really all you need in this script. You've got the tone down and you've got the humor down. Once you have the characters down, I think you will have a first rate short.

Lol.  How could I come across this title and not want to read it?  :-)

What's up, Will?

I see it's been a little while since this thread's been touched, so I'm guessing this might be a story you might have shelved or are happy with that you won't be writing any new drafts of it, so I won't bring up anything about format and typos and just straight up tell you what I thought about it.

Actually, I liked it.  It had it's funny parts.  It also had it's parts that were a little tedious, but that might have just been me not getting the references.  (Mainly just Esther.  She sounds familiar and you bring up John the Baptist with her reference, but I just can't place her story for some reason.)

But overall, I think the skit worked.  Yeah, talk show parodies have been done to death, but that's NEVER going to end, so at least you packed some laughs into it that worked for the most part.

P.S.  -  The stoning thing was hilarious as hell the first time, but wore off very fast after that.

And I still want to know who the father is, bitch!  How can you title it that and never even tell us who the father is?

I'll bet it's Jonah.  I never trusted that shady prick.  "I lived inside a whale for 3 days!"  my ass.  All that digestive acid in the whale's stomach would've eaten his skin right off, that lying prick.

:-)  Anyway, I thought the skit was funny.  Good job on it.

- Mark

haha thanks so much Mark! your feedback is definitely appreciated and will be taken into consideration. I'm actually not sure if I'm ever going to rewrite this one. to be honest with you (and I find this story hilarious), my uber-Christian mother found this screenplay and literally wailed when she read it. now, mind you, I'm a 24 year old guy who lives on my own. but i accidentally left a USB stick in her compy and voila...instant disownage. ever since then, i havent been able to bring myself to reread my own screenplay. the worst part is, i dont know why.

regardless, im really glad you enjoyed this as much as i did (until my mother started praying for my soul on a daily basis)

Hey Albinopenguin

Gave this one a read to.

Structurally I didnt see anything negative that stood out. Now as Ive posted elsewhere Im new to writting screenplays, so I cant get comfortable with pointing out what I may think are mistakes, cause I need work in that area myself lol.

But a question, from what I have read in the script writters books repeating lines are discouraged I THINK. Now twice Mary is hit in the head with a rock and says ouch or ow. Is that intentional when you wrote it? And would that be a case of the "repeating" that is mentioned in the books Ive read?

As far as the story I liked it. It had some clever parts, especially the depiction of "God". I dont consider myself a religious individual so much as a spiritual one.

So what could be considered blasphemy here by some doesnt bother me. Actually I like to mess with peoples cherished orthodoxy  (Left wingers, Right wingers, Athiest, religious zealots ect ect).

But not out of any mean hearted way, I just think people can get to fixated on any one "idea" they can lose the bigger picture, but thats just M.O.

Now who IS the father btw? lol

Keep up the good work!

Hey, Albi-P,

Gave this one a go.  Great writing.  Enjoyed the concept, and alot of the jokes as well.

Buuuuuttttttt.....speaking as someone who just wrote a Biblical comedy myself (and who's been atheist as long as I can remember), the God protrayal *did not* do it for me.  I know you wrote the character to follow the cliche that's seen on daytime talk shows.  But it actually was offensive, even to me.  

Leaving that aside (and now speaking simply as a writer), I think the script would have played considerably better if God had been a respectible character who finds himself in an unexpected bind due to an indiscretion - while leaving all of the other aspects of the story as-is.

Oh, and Mary getting stoned in the head three times? Mix it up a bit - have a stone hit her in the shoulder, or something.  Have one bounce off Josef or the host.  Just for varieties sake!  

IMHO and cheers,

--WV (Janet)