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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Liverpool Bully Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Liverpool Bully by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Short - A young bully is bullied into playing soccer by his mother. 11 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 19th, 2010, 12:44pm
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jwent6688
Posted: June 1st, 2010, 11:02pm Report to Moderator
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Tonka, haven't seen any of your work posted in awhile. Thought i'd check this out for ya.

No page #'s? Typo page 1. "I bully here too"

"Curtins"?? I apologize if that's proper Britt spelling.

Alright, I won't comment on dialogue. Felt spot on. But, I'm not a britt. Some transitions were clunky. Didn't get how he was sitting in his throne on a football field. I think you need to tell us it's there or a new slug to transfer us elsewhere.

It was a cute story. I felt good after i read it. I loved Phobia. i think you can iron this one out to be something better though. The writing lets it down a bit. Some transitions are confusing. I didn't get if this entire script was just a dream sequence or just some wild imagination here and there. You also use a good deal of unfilmables. Thats can always be argued.

Overall, good work.

james


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grademan
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey TT,

This story was very imaginative. It felt like a ten year old was telling it.

The transitions between his fantasy world and the real world were confusing at first but I figured every time I saw a sock puppet or a crown I was in Rodney's fantasy world.

I saw a couple of typos and the misplacement of hyphens in scene headings. A bit distracting but not too bad.

Is a one seater sofa the same as a chair?

I thought Mrs. Pockets use of the word "fuck" ruined the child's fantasy story although it did signify an abrupt switch to reality. Why call her Mrs. Pocket? Why not Mom?

VO was necessary for the fantasy world. It dragged for the final third. I kept thinking, I know the Mom is gonna come back into the story, so let's get there.

The sock puppets were cool. Phil should read this!

When Kyle and Mindy are introduced, I suggest doing it in the VO. The lines about his mummy dressing him and the prissy violinist would be great in Rodney's voice.

Gary
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jayrex
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Calm down, calm down.

What have you been smoking?

This was crazy.  Very imaginative and I could never see where the story was going.

There were a few typos in there, not too distracting.

What I would say is delete spelling B champion.  That's an American thing.

As for the swearing, that's fine as scousers are notorious for swearing.  What I would do is fix the dialogue to "For fuck sake, keep yer eye on the ball!"

Nobody would use focus in that way.

I didn't quite like that Roddy threw the ball at his mother and hit the side of her head.  My only grumble.

I think I'll have to give this another read.

Javier
They do though, don't they though.


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Coding Herman
Posted: June 4th, 2010, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Mrs. Pocket should be capitalized on page 1. There are some other mistakes as well, but I was a bit confused with the story so I get to that first.

This feels like two complete separate story and the only thing that links them together is our protagonist Rodney. I think you should just pick one story and work with it, instead of expand to other elements. The storyline where Mrs. Pocket forces Rodney to play soccer was undeveloped.

However, what bothers me the most is the over-usage of V.O. It doesn't work here because they get very boring after a while. It's like Rodney never engage anyone verbally for 3/4 of the script.

Altogether, the story left me confused as to what you're suppose to tell me. Especially for half of the script when Rodney plays with the puppet by himself.

Sorry that I couldn't help much.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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tonkatough
Posted: June 10th, 2010, 4:27am Report to Moderator
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thanks people for the read and helpful advice. But where is everyone else?  I see my script has caused a bit of confusion but I won't explain it until after a few more reads as I am curious to see how other writers here see it.


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Angry Bear
Posted: June 10th, 2010, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Glen,

I might be way off my rocker here, but I interpreted this as Rodney being the one being bullied...by his mother and in his fantasy world he does the same to Kyle and Mindy. Finally in the end, he stands up to his mother and he wins. When she hits the sockpuppets, she's really hitting him and by detaching himself and watching it through a fantasy world is his way of dealing with it. I'm probably wrong but my thoughts usually tend to go to the darker side if I have to come to conclusions on my own.  

It's spelling bee btw.

There were a few typos. Quite a few actually.

If I was right in interpreting this story, then I liked it. If I was wrong then I don't know what to say because I would be confused. If I was wrong, I'll reread it after your explanation.

Good to see you back here at SS.  


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tonkatough
Posted: June 18th, 2010, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Ahgg! For a moment there I honestly thought I had failed with this script and written something incomprehensible. but you dear Pia totally got it. Like i mean if you where a hammer then you would've scored a perfect hit on the head of the nail.   Thank you very much for the read


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Mr. Ripley
Posted: June 19th, 2010, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey

Very imaginative. Need some work with the prose. Understood the gist of the story but what I think is needed is a scene when Roddy makes peace and befriends Kyle and Mindy. The last scene where Roddy is flanked by them comes out of left field since there was no hint of friendship growing between them. The reader only sees violence between these characters so, I will suggest is add a scene where they make up to make the ending make more sense. Other than that, I found it quite good. I'm interested in seeing the puppet socks on film if this ever gets made. lol.

Gabe



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Zombie Sean
Posted: June 28th, 2010, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Tonka!

So, I read this. And I enjoyed it. I'll admit, I was severely confused while reading it, BUT don't be turned off by that. After reading Pia's comment, I felt much better, as I had the same ideas as her. When mummy was hitting the sock puppets, in reality, she was really hitting Rodney, as she was bullying him into playing soccer (or football). One thing I don't really understand is the ending, when Rodney, his sock puppets, and his mum walking out of the store, and she suddenly waves to her son and Kyle and Mindy. What happened there? Also, is this all happening in the book he's reading at the very end?

Very nice job here. It captured the imagination of a kid, and how he talked.

Sean
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