Karma Attendant by Craig Ramirez (Craiger6) - Short - When a parking garage attendant discovers that his brother was behind a recent bank heist, he finds himself at the center of a moral crossroads.  In the end, he finds that helping his brother and doing the right thing may not be mutually exclusive. 10 pages - pdf, format

This is really good. Truly, I enjoyed it and it was a fast read.

You need to put FADE IN at the left.

Please note, I did read this fast and if I went over this with a thin comb, I might start writing more notes to develop and improve, but you've got it as it is.

If you have any questions, please P.M. me.

Oh, and please do fix the logline, but the title is EXCELLENT!!!

And, I love the KARMA.

Congratulations on this! I'm impressed!!!  

Sandra

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for taking the time, I appreciate it and I'm glad you liked it.

Yeah, I hear you about the logline.  I actually wrote this a while back and decided to sit on it.  When I finally decided to submit it, I tossed that together, but it reads like one long run on.  

Any suggestions on how I might submit a new logline?

Anyway, thanks again.

Craig

Hey Craig,

So this was really interesting and different. I like your writing style, and the "Goldsteins from da hood" angle was cute. It's an example of what makes a script unique - instead of just concentrating on story you went against type and fleshed out characters that are worth seeing.

If I'm thinking of how to help you make this better...

SPOILERS

First I'm not sure that Miguel and Luis would give that much information to each other over the phone. Sure they don't really give facts, but it's not enough of a code. I'm guessing Luis is a pro, so he'd have to be wary of having his phone tapped.

The other thing is that I didn't feel that Luis thought he was in enough jeopardy. He asks Miguel for help, but is it really clear what he wants Miguel to do for him? I never felt that either Luis or Miguel were up against it here.

If they can somehow meet in a coffee shop then you'd be able to give more facts and let the audience in a bit. I think we need to see Luis' face to know he feels he needs help from his brother. It would also be a nice moment to film - the two brothers at odds.

I do think though that you have enough here for someone to look at filming this, and it's economical in the way of characters and length.

Nice job!

Anthony

Quoted from Craiger6 Hi Sandra, Any suggestions on how I might submit a new logline?

Yes, hang on. First, I took a look at this again and noticed:

MAN (O.S)
Miguel, I need you tonight.

Page 2

I'll tell mom you called.

Should be: Mom with a capital here.

Here:

TREVOR
Listen, I gotta run, can you ask
Miguel to give it a wash tomorrow?
I was up in Vermont all weekend,
she took a beating.

I notice that although Trevor's talking to
Miguel, he asks: Can you ask Miguel...

>She unconscious.

Should be

She's

But rather, just use a comma and get rid of the be verb altogether.

More typos here:

>as a two SANITATION WORKERS follow...

And here:

>So a major banks gets knocked

Try and keep the logline as short as possible.

I've come up with the following, but what I wanted
to do is capture a lighter tone which is a big
part of this piece, but I had trouble with the
writing of Trevor's part in all this. I though of
the word, criminal, but that didn't work and
what I came up with does NOT sound light
in tone at all; so I'm afraid humor isn't in
the logline I came up with for you, but here goes:

A parking attendant evens the score with a sex offender.

The next choice might be:

A parking attendant evens the score with an obnoxious pighead.

*I think I like the second one better because you could draw
up Trevor's character as being pig-like. Also, it keeps the tone
light overall, which is I think what you want.

Sandra

Hi Craig,

My first impression is this is very well written. I liked your writing style and it was a breeze to read. I can picture everything in my head.

Now to the story. I have to say some parts need to be clarified. The relationship between Miguel, Luis, the Goldsteins, and Trevor is not clear enough.

What I am guessing is this: Miguel got the heist money from Luis in the brown bag, and Miguel framed Trevor by putting the money into his car. So how does the Goldsteins fit into the story?

I felt the plot and the events are kinda disjointed. I don't mean the story doesn't flow, because it does, but somehow all of the elements don't fit into one big picture. It's like this happens and then that happens, but they don't really relate, and then the end. The problem, I think, is there isn't escalating conflict about one thing.

According to your logline, I'm expecting Miguel to be conflicting inside himself whether he should help Luis on the heist. But there's nothing like that in here. If this is about the heist itself, then I can see a big picture. Like how all the events lead up to the crisis point. I can't feel Miguel's at a morality crossroad.

Overall, I still enjoyed it, but feels the story disjointed without one single point of direction. I hope you understand what I meant.

Herman

Quoted from Coding Herman Hi Craig, My first impression is this is very well written. I liked your writing style and it was a breeze to read. I can picture everything in my head. Now to the story. I have to say some parts need to be clarified. The relationship between Miguel, Luis, the Goldsteins, and Trevor is not clear enough. What I am guessing is this: Miguel got the heist money from Luis in the brown bag, and Miguel framed Trevor by putting the money into his car. So how does the Goldsteins fit into the story? I felt the plot and the events are kinda disjointed. I don't mean the story doesn't flow, because it does, but somehow all of the elements don't fit into one big picture. It's like this happens and then that happens, but they don't really relate, and then the end. The problem, I think, is there isn't escalating conflict about one thing. According to your logline, I'm expecting Miguel to be conflicting inside himself whether he should help Luis on the heist. But there's nothing like that in here. If this is about the heist itself, then I can see a big picture. Like how all the events lead up to the crisis point. I can't feel Miguel's at a morality crossroad. Overall, I still enjoyed it, but feels the story disjointed without one single point of direction. I hope you understand what I meant. Herman

Hi Herman,

I'm trying to understand your comment above and also to clarify a bit more; so that things can be ironed out in a potential rewrite.

The first thing that happens is that we learn about our protag-- He has a lousy job in a small cubicle, it's freezing outside and the little heater he has inside is cranked to the max to keep him warm. His name is Miguel, he's Spanish American and he probably came from a broken home. His mother's in rough shape and he's got bills to pay.

Sounds to me like a lot of characters been packed into this very lean script.
Second, we're alerted to the fact that there's been a big heist in New York and the cops are clueless.

Shortly thereafter, Miguel learns that his brother is the person behind the headlines.

I didn't think that his brother was planning a second heist, but you might clarify this, because it almost sounds like that.

Third, the Goldsteins are introduced as, I suspect, some typical high profile, rich New Yorkers that are lucky enough to be able to afford to have a car and actually pay for parking. I imagine this is a really big thing in New York, to own a car and thus, the Goldsteins really represent the high falutin-"ous" of the wealthy Escalade driving old couple that happen to listen to rap music.

Fourth, enter Trevor. He's so obnoxious you want to knock his block off. His dialogue reeks with insults to everything that sums up Miguel and his "parking attendant" life.

TREVOR (CONT’D)
(laughing)
I’m just busting your balls, Jose.
I mean, “huevos”. Huevos, right?

Fifth, Miguel discovers the abusive pictures in Trevor's vehicle.

Sixth, montage showing Miguel getting the brown bag of money.

Seventh, Trevor gets the pay-back, the cops block his way out with a garbage truck and interestingly enough, we're left to wonder what it is that Mr. Goldstein did that night (it says last) but it should be before last. What I'm thinking, is that perhaps, perhaps,   Mr. Goldstein got involved in the heist somehow. That would be curious.

It would be possible to have Mrs. Goldstein partially reveal that he always had wanted to do something daring and... Then cut off.

I think that the part of the Goldsteins are important. They capture the flavor of the piece. And like I said, just to own a car in New York is a big deal, let alone Escalades and BMWs.

Sandra

Hi Guys,
Thanks for reading.  I know you aren’t getting paid for it, so it’s much appreciated.  I’ve already got some great feedback all around.

Anthony:

“First I'm not sure that Miguel and Luis would give that much information to each other over the phone.”

Duly noted.  

“The other thing is that I didn't feel that Luis thought he was in enough jeopardy. He asks Miguel for help, but is it really clear what he wants Miguel to do for him?”

Excellent point.  I guess I kind of wanted to keep the focus on Miguel since it’s really his story.  I did toss in a line at the beginning when Miguel and Luis are talking on the phone where Miguel says something like, “I won’t get involved in this.  Not again.”  Without giving away the methods used, I guess I was trying to intimate that this is not the first time that Luis has called on Miguel.

“If they can somehow meet in a coffee shop then you'd be able to give more facts and let the audience in a bit. I think we need to see Luis' face to know he feels he needs help from his brother.”

I think this is a terrific point, and I can totally see it.  You make a very good point about seeing Luis and making him a bit more relatable.  In the first writing of this story, I struggled with the fact that Luis was breaking the law, so it was going to be difficult to make him someone that people would identify with.  In an earlier draft, the solution I tried was making Trevor more of an a-hole by having the pictures found in his car of a very young, teenage girl.  I didn’t feel like that worked though because then Miguel could just call the cops on him right then and there.  

Sandra:

Thanks, for the typos.  They always seem to pop up, no matter how hard I try.  

TREVOR
Listen, I gotta run, can you ask
Miguel to give it a wash tomorrow?
I was up in Vermont all weekend,
she took a beating.

I notice that although Trevor's talking to
Miguel, he asks: Can you ask Miguel...

I thought this may be a bit confusing.  What I was going for here was that Trevor basically didn’t know who it was that he was talking to.  It wasn’t worth his time to try and remember Miguel’s name, so he just called him by the most generic Hispanic name he could think of, i.e. Jose.  It’s kind of the old, “they’re all the same” kind of thinking.

Anyway, thanks again for taking the time for a second read.  It’s much appreciated.  I’ll take those logs under advisement as well.  They admittedly pop a little better than what I have.  Oh BTW, it reminds me, when you pointed out the capitalization of Mom.  The Man (O.S.) s/b a (V.O.).

Herman:
Thanks for the read, dude.  Much appreciated.  

“What I am guessing is this: Miguel got the heist money from Luis in the brown bag, and Miguel framed Trevor by putting the money into his car. So how does the Goldsteins fit into the story?”

Yeah, in retrospect, I can kind of see where you are coming from here.  It’s like the Goldstein’s just pop up every now and then.  The idea for this came from how some parking garages in NYC (and other places I’m sure) are attached to an apartment building, so residents can come in and out, and get their cars.  In this instance, Trevor and The Goldstein’s are residents of the building and that’s why they run into each other getting their cars.  I kind of wanted to show that just because they (the Goldstein’s) had money, they weren’t dooshes like Trevor.  

“I can't feel Miguel's at a morality crossroad.”

Fair enough.  Perhaps this is something that I can work on in the scene that Anthony suggested above.

Sandra (cont’d)

I see you just made an update.  Wow, I think you and I are on the same wavelength, cause you pretty much nailed what I was going for, Sandra.  That’s cool when that happens.  Haha.

“What I'm thinking, is that perhaps, perhaps,    Mr. Goldstein got involved in the heist somehow. That would be curious.”

Ha – very interesting idea.  Will take this under advisement.

Anyway, thanks again for reading, guys, it really is appreciated, and I’m glad that you all mostly enjoyed it.  That’s always an added bonus.

Craig

Quoted from Craiger6 Sandra (cont’d) I see you just made an update.  Wow, I think you and I are on the same wavelength, cause you pretty much nailed what I was going for, Sandra.  That’s cool when that happens.  Haha. “What I'm thinking, is that perhaps, perhaps,    Mr. Goldstein got involved in the heist somehow. That would be curious.” Ha – very interesting idea.  Will take this under advisement.

I'm glad if I can help. Regarding Miguel being called Jose or Huevos etc... I thought that
Trevor was calling him those names as part of his insulting nature and not due to any memory lapse. I guess that's an important point for the actor. Because if Trevor actually can't remember because he could care less, or if Trevor is purposely calling him by every Spanish name, but his real one, it would make him look far more aggravating, as if he's trying to make Miguel "take it" and actually, he's like to see him "not take it" because then he can say, "Last time I'm ever giving you a Christmas tip."

I'm thinking it's possible that Trevor, as bad as he is, gives Miguel a good size Christmas tip every year and Trevor uses it for the help in the care of his mother.
That's enough for him to be nice, but we can just imagine how Miguel must feel inside.

They say that if you can, try and write a scene without using the telephone because it provides so much more visual interest than just characters talking on the phone.

I don't know how relevant that point might be in this case. If you were to put the two brothers together in a scene outside of the parking garage, I understand you're adding a location, but on the other hand, it might just be the think to give this a little shot in the arm, you know.

Perhaps, if the brothers were together, and we see the state of their place, their mother, etc... We would be able to feel more for the situation. Now of course, that's building this a little bit bigger I know, but who ever knows with these things. Why not consider your options right?  

Sandra

Craig, I checked this out. Couple things first.

Luis on the phone should be (V.O.) not (O.S.)

Some sentences look funny in dialogue. Like you spaced twice after Mr. G. a couple of times.

pg 4
INT. PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

I didn't get why this slug was needed. I would get rid of it. They're already there.

You've also got and extra page at the end.

Strong point... Loved the Goldsteins. They were great. Good dialogue overall.

Weakness... I just don't buy that this would workout in the end. Obviously Williamsen knew who had his car keys. The cops would have to look into Miguel because of it. Then they'd probably look into his brother as well.

Also, if Williamsen was really out of town, He'd probably have some real alibies from wherever he was. That would definitely make the cops look at Miguel.

Anyways, i did enjoy it. Felt the writing was good. Dialogue very good. Just too many plot holes right now. Maybe if Miguel never had his keys, Williamsen parked it himself, Then they toss they break into it and plant it. Would be more believable to me.

Hope this helps some, As I said, not bad...

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Weakness... I just don't buy that this would workout in the end. Obviously Williamsen knew who had his car keys. The cops would have to look into Miguel because of it. Then they'd probably look into his brother as well.

This could be fixed with a neat fix at the end, having Mr. Goldstein drop some big dollars into the cops' hands.

I know in my heart that all the real shit that goes on is all bought and paid for. Some people believe in "The Justice System". I don't. Money rules. Power rules.

Sandra

I had mixed feelings about this one; unfortunately, the majority of them were bad.

Miguel's role in the story doesn't come near his full potential. A garage attendant is an example of one of those invisible people who learn everything.  While you have him getting involved in the lives of those he works for, he's barely involved.  Someone in his position can learn so much more from the car owners.  You use a cheap plot device to beat us over the head how bad Trevor is.

Mister Goldstein was a funny character, but he didn't reach his potential either.  You start him off at a certain level of cluelessness, but he doesn't go further. Perhaps have him get worse the more he talks.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I had mixed feelings about this one; unfortunately, the majority of them were bad. Miguel's role in the story doesn't come near his full potential. A garage attendant is an example of one of those invisible people who learn everything.  While you have him getting involved in the lives of those he works for, he's barely involved.  Someone in his position can learn so much more from the car owners.  You use a cheap plot device to beat us over the head how bad Trevor is. Mister Goldstein was a funny character, but he didn't reach his potential either.  You start him off at a certain level of cluelessness, but he doesn't go further. Perhaps have him get worse the more he talks. Phil

What is the plot device, Phil? And how do you think this could be remedied?

I like the idea of developing the aspect of those "invisible people" who learn a lot.

One of those invisible people? Yeah! This is very good and real from the point of view of life. I'm just wondering how you might handle the situation, to make it better, from your perspective, that is.

Sandra

Does anyone else get the feeling this is an embryonic short that is waiting to be born as a feature?

From my perspective, I feel like this is so loaded with life and character, I'd like to see it grow.

Sandra

SPOILER SPACE

The plot device was dropping the car keys under the seat, Sandra.  Trevor gave Miguel a reason to look through the car. Instead of finding the photos this way, he does so while chasing a set of runaway keys.


Phil

Quoted from Craiger6 Yeah, in retrospect, I can kind of see where you are coming from here.  It’s like the Goldstein’s just pop up every now and then.  The idea for this came from how some parking garages in NYC (and other places I’m sure) are attached to an apartment building, so residents can come in and out, and get their cars.  In this instance, Trevor and The Goldstein’s are residents of the building and that’s why they run into each other getting their cars.  I kind of wanted to show that just because they (the Goldstein’s) had money, they weren’t dooshes like Trevor. Craig

Hi Craig, I know everyone loves the Goldsteins because they are well-written interesting characters. BUT no matter how good they are, if they're not organic to the story, and they don't move the story forward, these characters shouldn't be in the script.

Now if the Goldsteins were involved with Luis's heist or had something to do with the nude girl in the photo in Trevor's car, this might add layers to your story.

My $.02.

Herman

Quoted from dogglebe SPOILER SPACE The plot device was dropping the car keys under the seat, Sandra.  Trevor gave Miguel a reason to look through the car. Instead of finding the photos this way, he does so while chasing a set of runaway keys. Phil

Yeah, "the make it happen force it into the story" part. Fit damn it! OK, I see what you're saying; and therein lies the deep-deep dark truth that no matter how neat and tidy a script might be according to formulaic rules, if it's forced, it doesn't work as well.

Well, on the bright side, accidents do happen and keys get dropped. Wait, accidents are bad, not good, aren't they? Unless they're good accidents, like finding a good shoe sale.   But seriously, I guess the pictures could turn up in a little less obvious fashion. Like maybe Trevor is having a wild fit and when he's in his tornado, they fall onto the ground. Yeah, the old "lose your porno pictures" trick. That outta work.  

Sandra

Jwent:

Thanks for the read, bud.  I will return the favor shortly.

“Luis on the phone should be (V.O.) not (O.S.)”

Yeah, got ya on that.  I actually originally had it as (V.O) when I first wrote this, and then changed it to (O.S.) when I was doing some editing, before realizing that I had it right the first time.  Thanks for the head’s up, though.

“Some sentences look funny in dialogue. Like you spaced twice after Mr. G. a couple of times.”

Thanks, I’ll have to take a look at this.

INT. PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS

“I didn't get why this slug was needed. I would get rid of it. They're already there.”

Yeah, I get confused about the use of CONTINUOUS in the slug.  I guess I just kind of toss it in there when I fell that it should be there, but you are probably right.

Glad you enjoyed the Goldsteins, because I enjoyed writing them.  Particularly Mr. G.
Also glad you enjoyed the dialogue, as that is always one of the first things that I notice when I’m reading a script.

“Weakness... I just don't buy that this would workout in the end. Obviously Williamsen knew who had his car keys. The cops would have to look into Miguel because of it. Then they'd probably look into his brother as well.

Also, if Williamsen was really out of town, He'd probably have some real alibies from wherever he was. That would definitely make the cops look at Miguel.”

Okay, let’s get down to the nitty gritty – plot holes.  

I actually wrote this script back in February, I believe.  I kind of sat on it for the very reason that you stated above.  I’m lucky to have some very supportive, but honest friends, and this is one of the criticisms that I got back from them when I ran it by them.  So, you are 100% correct when you point out the plot holes.

I tried (unsuccessfully, I think) to work around this issue by throwing in the lit bit of dialogue of Miguel talking to Luis on the phone after discovering the photos of Trevor where Miguel says something like, “Meet meet later…Yeah the place will be closed”.  The implication being that he would be off duty and therefore not be at the garage.  Of course, this doesn’t really work though, since as an employee he would probably still have access and yes he would have been the last to be in the car.  

In the end, I just kind of decided to run with it and hope people would suspend a little belief in reading it.  But thanks for bringing it up, because as I said, my friends had pointed it out, and I’m the same way when I’m reading scripts or watching movies, always saying, “that would never work in real life”.

Anyway, thanks again for the read.  Much appreciated.

Sandra:

“This could be fixed with a neat fix at the end, having Mr. Goldstein drop some big dollars into the cops' hands.”

Again, interesting idea.  People seem to like Mr. G, and this is certainly something he would be willing to do for his “boy”, Miguel.  Making him a bigger character is certainly something to consider.  

Phil:

“Miguel's role in the story doesn't come near his full potential. A garage attendant is an example of one of those invisible people who learn everything.  While you have him getting involved in the lives of those he works for, he's barely involved.  Someone in his position can learn so much more from the car owners.”

Fair enough.  I think you hit upon what I was going for when you mention that the attendant can know so much about the lives of the people he works for.  In this case it’s a parking garage attendant, but the same goes for anyone from a gardener to a butler.  I think there are any number of instances of this in literature and the movies where you see that the “help” are really the ones that make things happen and who are the driving force behind those with the money.  I was trying to kind of modernize that concept while at the same time suggesting that you should be good to these people and not take them for granted.

That said, I see what you are saying when you suggest that I can push it a little further with Miguel getting more involved with these people’s lives.  I will certainly take it under advisement.

“Mister Goldstein was a funny character, but he didn't reach his potential either.  You start him off at a certain level of cluelessness, but he doesn't go further. Perhaps have him get worse the more he talks.”

Glad you enjoyed Mr. Goldstein, and I agree I think he can become a more integral character.  I’m not sure I totally understand what you mean by having him get “worse” the more he talks.  Yeah, he’s kind of a dodo, but he doesn’t have a bad bone in his body.  You might mean “worse” by being more clueless, which I can see though.

Sandra:

“Does anyone else get the feeling this is an embryonic short that is waiting to be born as a feature?”

Well, I’m not so sure about that (as currently conceived, it feels more like a one trick pony), but the more I think about it, I do believe that this short may benefit by adding a few more pages to include some of the great suggestions I’ve received thus far.  One of the ideas that I really like is the one offered by AJR about adding a scene between Luis and Miguel.  I think that could add another layer of tension.

Phil:

“The plot device was dropping the car keys under the seat, Sandra.  Trevor gave Miguel a reason to look through the car. Instead of finding the photos this way, he does so while chasing a set of runaway keys.”

Thanks for the follow up here, Phil.  Initially, I was a little confused by what you meant.  

Yeah, I guess I would have to agree with you, but at the same time, I would suggest that this kind of thing happens all the time in movies, and even in real life.  Cheap?  Perhaps, but not beyond the realm of possibility.  At the end of the day, I think, like the point made by Jwent above, I was just asking for a little suspension of belief on the part of the reader.  Sometimes, things just are what they are, you know?  Anyway, thanks for the read and the tips.

Herman:

“I know everyone loves the Goldsteins because they are well-written interesting characters. BUT no matter how good they are, if they're not organic to the story, and they don't move the story forward, these characters shouldn't be in the script.”

At this point, I agree that the Goldsteins should probably play a larger role, but I do think they already play an organic role in that they serve two purposes: one, a little comedic relief, and two, they are the counterweight to Trevor’s boorish/prejudiced behavior in that they show that not all people with money are dicks.  That said, I agree that their roles should be expanded.

“Now if the Goldsteins were involved with Luis's heist or had something to do with the nude girl in the photo in Trevor's car, this might add layers to your story.”

Great point.  Sandra suggested something in a similar vein above.  I really like both ideas.  I didn’t realize the Goldsteins would catch on with people.  Thanks for the ideas, man.

Okay, so right now I feel like a raging egomaniac for being so long winded, but I wanted to put in the effort that you guys did for taking the time to read it.  I really appreciate the feedback, be it positive or negative.  Thanks again to all for taking the time.  

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to finish this Mets/Yankees game and then I have to return some reviews.

Craig

Would there be security cameras in the garage?  If so, then Miguel's actions could be found out very quickly by the cops.

Maybe the pictures could be inside a book under the seat.  I wouldn't keep such incriminating evidence where a parking attendant could find it.  If someone found the book, Trevor could say something like, "That's where it is."

Of course, Miguel could drop the book for some reason and the pictures come out.  Maybe he sneezes on it, and while he wipes off the saliva and snot, the pictures come out.  As it is, he finds it just too easily.

You may want to use the Miguel and Luis names for Trevor's token remarks and use other Mexican names instead.  My landlord is named Cesar.  Maybe you can use that name for the protagonist.

I like having the Goldsteins there.  Not every character has to be related to a plot point in some major way.  Sometimes people are just there when something unusual happens.  This part added realism to the story.

Just some ideas.

Craig

Hey, man, you know I like your work, particularly "One Last Story" but unfortunately, I can’t say the same for this piece. I had big problems with how the story played out and its underlying karmic theme/message.

Firstly, your actual writing is very strong and assured as per usual...except a couple of things I noticed, nothing major:

"Sunshine cascades down onto the New York City street as a two
SANITATION WORKERS follow a garbage truck as it makes its
rounds."

-- Structuring a sentence to describe actions using "as" is perfectly fine, I do it all the time but I try to refrain from resorting to it twice in such close proximity. It’s repetitious and doesn't read well, in my opinion. Maybe change it to:

"Sunshine cascades down onto the New York City street. Two SANITATION WORKERS follow a garbage truck as it makes its rounds."

or

"Sunshine cascades down onto the New York City street as two SANITATION WORKERS follow a garbage truck making its rounds."

Or something like that where the second "as" is removed. I reckon it flows better when you don't repeat yourself in quick succession.

Also, the scene on pages 2 and 3 when we first met the Goldsteins, you don’t tell us Miguel is in the scene or where he comes from until he starts talking to Mr. Goldstein. The scene previous had him in the office but I think you should always establish what characters are in a new scene, especially when we are in a new location too.

As I said, the technical flaws here are sparse, minor and easily fixed.

Now, on to the story; I haven’t read the other comments as I wanted to go into this blindsided so I may repeat what’s already been said and to which you have already provided the explanations for, if so, my apologies and feel free to ignore them. I’ll be checking out the comments after I post this.

The “help” Luis wants from Miguel is very unclear to me. Obviously, Luis isn’t going to divulge much over the phone but you need to find another device in order to let us know what the beef is here. As far as I know, Luis has robbed a bank, (something he’s done before it seems), he looks to have gotten away with it for the meantime anyway (according to the newspaper headline at the beginning) but wants a favour from his brother which Miguel is reluctant to do but what it actually is I’m not 100% sure. I’m guessing due to Miguel’s aforementioned reluctance that’s its something underhand but with what little information you give us all I can do is speculate.

Due to the placement of the money in Trevor’s boot at the end and the cops filling in the blanks we can assume that perhaps Luis wanted Miguel to hold the money for him until the heat blew over (he says he wanted to give him money anyway to help out their sick mother) Ok, I got that but why do we see this money handover happening on a surveillance camera? Doesn’t Miguel ensure him on the phone prior that:

“MIGUEL
Yeah, I know where the cameras are.
(beat)
Meet me in four hours. The place
will be closed.”

So why conduct the meeting right in front of them? Maybe I’m (stupidly) missing something here but this doesn’t make sense to me. Would they not want to do discreetly?

Secondly, the discovery of the photo under Trevor’s seat came off as extremely contrived. We only know Trevor for one scene and it’s pretty obvious that he’s a complete prick before wham! He is sadomasochistic too, just like that. It’s apparent you made him so dislikeable that when Miguel finds the photo we are left with nothing but pure hatred and disgust for the guy. There’s no middle ground here, no redeemable qualities to him, thus I’m picturing a caricature as opposed to an actual person you might meet in real life. Having said that, I know there are cu?ts out there of immeasurable magnitude but you get what I mean. There’s a lot of detestable characteristics crammed in here concerning Trevor in such a short space of time. In other words; too much too quickly, overkill.

Oh, and you may add very fu?king complacent to Trevor’s list of undesirable traits. I take it he had been in Vermont engaging in these extra curricular hobbies but why oh why would you be so absent minded as to not give your car the once over when you got home...and right before you handed it over to the car valet? That’s my real problem with this part of the script. You could put it down to his coke habit distracting and addling his mind but the whole cause and effect device to too rushed and “set-up” for me to buy it.

“He turns the ignition off. Miguel drops the keys and
inadvertently kicks them under the seat.”

Finding it hard to visualise this; the drop, followed by the kick (or back heel as I imagine how it would happen) It would need to be a very well choreographed “unintentional” manoeuvre to pull off just from an actor’s and cameraman’s point of view. To simplify things you could just say that Miguel drops the keys and they fall under the seat, happens me all the time. Anyway I digress...

My third issue with the plot was Miguel’s supposedly noble framing of Trevor for the money. I’m thinking your idea behind this was not only is Miguel doing his bro a favour by taking the ill-gotten money off him but he’s also putting it to good use by stitching up a suspected sex fiend (or worse, we don’t know) So in the end the money goes back to its rightful owner (in this case, The Bank boo-fu?king-hoo), the heat is off Luis and Trevor will be put away.

This all seems great and honourable on Miguel’s part but it doesn’t hide the fact that he’s framing Trevor for something he didn’t do. To me, no matter how bad of a person Trevor is, Miguel is being dishonest and conniving also. Why not show the cops the photos? They are more then incriminating, particularly the second one where Trevor actually occupies the same photograph as one of his suspected victims. Why not do your bit, inform the cops of the evidence you got and rely on the justice system to exercise their duties and implement the necessary disciplinary measures, you can do no more after that. By Miguel planting the loot, I‘m inclining to say he’s complicit in the overall web of deceit and shady dealings going on here...albeit to a lesser degree.

Plus, Miguel should be sh?tting it when he finds out Trevor is a lawyer, because a) Trevor will be savvy to the workings of the law and could be a slippery fish to pin down. c) Being in a well paid job will leave his motivation for robbing the bank in the first place in serious doubt (maybe his coke habit has him in debt, I don’t know) c) Trevor will naturally deny taking the money so at some point in the investigation, the focus will shift to Miguel who was the only (known) person to have come into contact with Trevor’s car besides Trevor himself. This may lead the investigation to find out about his brother Luis (a thief with a history) and before you know it, they join the dots and Miguel’s perfectly planned, morally inspired plan will unravel. I’m sure the lawyer in Trevor will come out in that he will exhaust every possible avenue of investigation to acquit him of at least one of the crimes being levelled at him.

Plot points aside, I liked the Goldsteins, crazy mofos. Very hip for old timers complete with ghetto slang, fist pumps and blaring beats thumping from their “wheels”. Pretty random characters but enjoyable nonetheless, you went out on the limb with Mr. Goldstein in particular but you knew what you were doing, knew these weren’t your normal, everyday old folks and played to their strengths well for some comic relief. Although the husband and wife fist pump at the end was a bit much for me it didn’t stray too far from the brash impressions they gave off when we first meet them.

Overall, I can’t say I dug this too much, Craig. Too many plot holes, random coincidences underpinned by a questionable, ostensibly virtuous, ethical subtext which I couldn’t entirely get behind.

Of course, I may have picked this up all wrong, if so, let me know.

Cheers.

Col.

Hey Col.,

Thanks for taking the read.  My apology for not getting back sooner, but it’s been a really hectic week.

I’m sorry that this one didn’t really work for you.  You raise some good points below.

“Structuring a sentence to describe actions using "as" is perfectly fine, I do it all the time but I try to refrain from resorting to it twice in such close proximity. It’s repetitious and doesn't read well, in my opinion.”

Good point here.  I didn’t even notice it until you pointed it out.  You are right, it does sound repetitious.  I’ll have to keep this in mind in the future.  I think that’s one of those things that you can read, and re-read a hundred times when you write it and not notice it until someone points it out.  Thanks for the heads up.

“The “help” Luis wants from Miguel is very unclear to me.”

“I’m guessing due to Miguel’s aforementioned reluctance that’s its something underhand but with what little information you give us all I can do is speculate.”

Yeah, I guess I can see your point about it being unclear what Luis wants Miguel to do.  That said, I didn’t want to come right out and give it away, you know.  There was a line from Miguel saying something like, “not this time, not again” or something along those lines.  I was trying to intimate that it was something underhanded, and that Miguel had helped him in the past doing the same thing, but has now put his foot down.  

“Due to the placement of the money in Trevor’s boot at the end and the cops filling in the blanks we can assume that perhaps Luis wanted Miguel to hold the money for him until the heat blew over…”

The placement of the money in the trunk was intended to be a frame up of Trevor.  It wasn’t all of the money that Luis had stolen, and this money had been splattered by the exploding ink.  Basically, Miguel finds some prick that deserves to be punished, Luis gives him the money and then the cops get called.  A bit of a stretch, I know.  Haha.

“So why conduct the meeting right in front of them? Maybe I’m (stupidly) missing something here but this doesn’t make sense to me. Would they not want to do discreetly?”

No, you most definitely aren’t missing anything.  This was definitely an oversight on my part, and something that I will correct if I do a re-write.  In fact, some of the earlier suggestions seemed to indicate that a meet up between Luis and Miguel would add some drama to the piece.  But the security camera angle doesn’t work.

“There’s no middle ground here, no redeemable qualities to him, thus I’m picturing a caricature as opposed to an actual person you might meet in real life. Having said that, I know there are cu?ts out there of immeasurable magnitude but you get what I mean. There’s a lot of detestable characteristics crammed in here concerning Trevor in such a short space of time. In other words; too much too quickly, overkill.”

Good point here.  Yes, he was intended to be a total prick, but I think you are right in saying that it may have been too much too soon.  I actually did tone Trevor down a bit.  In an earlier draft, I made him a pedophile, but felt that in that instance, Miguel would simply call the cops and be done with it.  But you are 100% correct, Trevor need more dimensions.

“Oh, and you may add very fu?king complacent to Trevor’s list of undesirable traits.”

Haha – touché, sir!

“That’s my real problem with this part of the script. You could put it down to his coke habit distracting and addling his mind but the whole cause and effect device to too rushed and “set-up” for me to buy it.”

I guess the point in that Trevor doesn’t see people such as Miguel as a threat.  Yeah, they might sneak a few quarter out of his change draw, but they aren’t capable of really hurting him. They just aren’t on his radar in that respect.  That said, I think you have a valid point in saying that it feels to set up.  I’ll have to give it some thought.

“This all seems great and honourable on Miguel’s part but it doesn’t hide the fact that he’s framing Trevor for something he didn’t do. To me, no matter how bad of a person Trevor is, Miguel is being dishonest and conniving also.”

True, but remember, this is karmic justice we are talking about here, and not courtroom justice.  I think in a free society, we rightfully adhere to the notion that we are “a nation of laws, and not men”, but I also think that we sometimes admire vigilante justice (even if we won’t readily admit it) when someone who is truly bad and guilty gets what is coming to him or her.  It’s kind of like the cop who “tweaks” the evidence he finds to ensure that a guilty person definitely gets convicted.  We don’t want to condone that cop’s conduct, but at the same time we don’t want that guilty party on the streets either.  Make no mistake, Miguel is no innocent, and he has to deal with the repercussions of his actions.  Watch out for Karma Attendant II: Karmic Revenge – haha.

“Overall, I can’t say I dug this too much, Craig. Too many plot holes, random coincidences underpinned by a questionable, ostensibly virtuous, ethical subtext which I couldn’t entirely get behind.”

Fair enough Col., and truth be told, I would definitely agree with you regarding the plot holes.  I was asking the audience to suspend a lot of their belief.   No doubt about that.  That was part of the reason I sat on this one for awhile.  I’ve received some great feedback though, and maybe I can make some tweaks to make it a bit more believable.

Anyway, thanks as always for taking the time.  It is very much appreciated.

CR

Hey Craig.

You know I like your style of writing. good visuals, snappy dialog, nice!

This story went along very well with the differences between the Goldsteins and Trevor being quite well defined although I think you could've given us more. Developed Miguel's whole existence further. (Scumbag brother, sick mother, sh**ty customers etc. just giving the characters a tad more depth).

I kinda like the 'What goes around comes around' philosophy and was quite happy when Trevor got his come uppance.

One technical point on page 7. Is that a montage? If so it should be introduced as such, but other than that query everything else was spot on.

Anyway Craig, another good'un as far as I'm concerned.

Good stuff!

Best.

Martin.

Craig

I get what you mean about the differences between courtroom and karmic justice, you're right, they shouldn't be treated the same and its obvious which one you were going for here. Miguel, although far from innocent, is definitely the lesser of two evils in this scenario.

Hey Martin,

Thanks for the read.  My apologies for the tardy reply.  

Yeah, I agree that Miguel, and his motives, should be better developed here.  I'll be honest, when I finished this one, I kind of hit a wall, and realized that there were a bunch of plot holes.  I've received a bunch of really good advice on this one, and think I might take another crack at getting her straightened out.  Anyway, thanks again for the read.

Col.,

Yeah, form the get go, this was not going to be about doing it by the book so to speak in that Miguel was going to do something that was immoral, and yet when he does it, the hope was that the audience would be behind him.  Anyway, thanks again for taking the time.

Craig

Trippin with the Goldsteins!
Diamond hustlas and fencers worldwide, B!
Now there's a feature length script I want to read!
The Goldstiens were the last thing I expected to poll up outta that Escalade. Kudos!

I liked your supporting characters far more than your protagonist.
That being said, I didn't care much for the plot.
The device of an errant keys leading to poorly hidden compromising pics left me flat.
It plays out like fun escapist fare ending with the Goldensteins.
Realistically, Miguel is drawing the wrong kind of attention to his brother.
I'm sure the cops can verify where Trevor actually was for the weekend.
If Luis has a record, then the police have probable cause to investigate further.

Now please write Trippin' with the Goldsteins!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Trippin with the Goldsteins! Diamond hustlas and fencers worldwide, B! Now there's a feature length script I want to read! The Goldstiens were the last thing I expected to poll up outta that Escalade. Kudos! I liked your supporting characters far more than your protagonist. That being said, I didn't care much for the plot. The device of an errant keys leading to poorly hidden compromising pics left me flat. It plays out like fun escapist fare ending with the Goldensteins. Realistically, Miguel is drawing the wrong kind of attention to his brother. I'm sure the cops can verify where Trevor actually was for the weekend. If Luis has a record, then the police have probable cause to investigate further. Now please write Trippin' with the Goldsteins! Regards, E.D.

Haha, "Trippin' with the Goldsteins", starring Cloris Lechman and Jerry Stiller coming to a theatre near you!

Thanks for the read ED.  Yeah, this one is definetly flawed, and all of your points are valid.  The impetus for this one was to show that those people around us that we kind of take for granted are also familiar with some of our most personal secrets.  So we should treat them with respect.  I also wanted to try (unsuccessfully as it is) to examine the fine line between doings something right, while also doing something wrong.

It seems that most people came out liking the Goldsteins so that's a positive.  I've received a bunch of good advice on this one, and I may revisit it at a later date in order to try and tie up some loose ends.

Thanks again for taking the time.  Let me know when you get your's up.

CR