I think I get the campiness of it all however it's not working for me. I didn't get a laugh out of it. Maybe hanging out on a Sunday afternoon watching B movies.

Hey Sean,

Thank you for giving this a read.
I'm glad that you liked it. I did a google search of stories or screenplays about a killer eye before I wrote this, and I didn't find anything either.  

Thank you again for the read,
Cindy

Hey clorox,

Thank you for reading, even thought it didn't work for you.
That's okay. I'm sure this type of humor isn't for everyone.  

Thanks again,

Cindy

Hello Cindy,

Thanks for the upload it a genial read.
It kinda plays out like Gremlins illegitimate grandchild.
Most horror pieces underestimate the audience's desire to see jerks get payback.
With that in mind, I was pleased by your opening scene.
I enjoyed the running gags and the completely random explanation for everything.
My only real criticism are your action descriptions. They are overly wordy at times.
This piece would work well in an anthology feature, wrote more of them!

Thanks for the upload.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer It kinda plays out like Gremlins illegitimate grandchild. Most horror pieces underestimate the audience's desire to see jerks get payback. This piece would work well in an anthology feature, wrote more of them! Thanks for the upload.

Thanks for the read.  
The Gremlins illegitimate grandchild?
I always thought of it as the Killer Tomatoes cousin.  

I like to see jerks get payback, too...
and Isn't that supposed to be some kind of law, too, in horror movies? If you're a jerk, you're one of the first ones to go, and if you have sex you die, too.

Thanks for giving this a read. I appreciate it.

Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller Thanks for the read.   The Gremlins illegitimate grandchild? I always thought of it as the Killer Tomatoes cousin.   I like to see jerks get payback, too... and Isn't that supposed to be some kind of law, too, in horror movies? If you're a jerk, you're one of the first ones to go, and if you have sex you die, too. Thanks for giving this a read. I appreciate it. Cindy

Hey Cindy,

Killer Tomatoes or Killer Klowns for that matter works me too!
It's my favorite rule from horror anthology material like your fine material.
The most recent example being Trick 'r' Treat released last year.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer It's my favorite rule from horror anthology material like your fine material.

Thanks electric dreamer.
Glad you liked it.

Cindy

Hi Cindy,

I really liked this. Great horror comedy! I enjoyed the story and had quite a few laugh out loud moments for me.

But of course, there are somethings that you can improve on.

I would hold off Bessie until the eye attacked Amy and Bob. This is because I thought Bessie would be our protagonist because you introduced her first, and then she just pops in and out, having me questioned why is she even in the story. Not until we got to her punchline in the park that I got what you were going for.

I liked the image of the eyeball bouncing happily up and down the street.

I have a suggestion, make the woman in the carwash Bessie, will that work? That would make the story more connected as opposed to introducing new characters to kill off.

Loved how things got more complicated and you up the stakes all the time! The car wash, the impending rain, the beach. Liked it.

The crowd at the park provide more comical situation. I laughed out when the Bret impersonator sang "Every rose has its thorn" after he struck the eye with the rose. How ironic.

I'm thinking you can cut away the appearance of the real Bret Michaels. The ending after (we assumed) the eye got devoured by the shark was a little too long. Just have them walk away and then the big eye's shadow looms behind them. Most of page 17 made the ending dragged and lost some energy.

This is very good.


Herman

Hi Herman,

Thank you for the read.

Bessie is just a running gig that I used to try and get a laugh, as in most comedy, they have something that occurs over and over again that brings a laugh.

In the beginning of horror the world is normal. Birds sing, a little old lady is safe and sane (haha) everything is in place, then something happens to throw things out of balance. That's when I go into the cemetery that is right there where Bessie was anyway to show the protagonist (The eye).

I think Bessie is too old to work at a car wash.

I'm glad you liked it when the eye bounced down the street.

I always thought this script was comparatible to Killer Tomatoes. And I always thought if someone was to produce this they could use different sized balls for the eye.

As for Bret, well, I questioned that myself, but again if someone was to produce this, they could just show someone in a cowboy hat from behind.
And I used him so that the antagonists (the boys) would still lose out at the end, and have to figure out a way to get the girls to like them.

I am going to tighten it up some still.

Thank you again for the read.

Cindy

Hi Cindy,
             This was weird but interesting! i think this worked because you used the correct tone in your writing and judging from the other reviews most people picked up on that. This was goofy and a kind of hommage to 50's B flicks and i don't mean that in a bad way. Most people seems to have pointed out a few formatting issues already so I don't have anything to add in that regard. Nice story.

Thanks Eoin,

I'm glad you liked the script. The OWC I'm thinking about writing is going to be strange, too.  

Thanks for giving it a read.

Cindy

I've read your stuff before and always liked it.

Fancied a piece before bed and hit yours. I know we've had our differences in the past, but then again I aint a parent. Well, not as far as I know...

Excellent bit of writing. You improve rather than decline, always a fine sign.

I'll leave it at that. Did not see one thing worth complaining about. And I love to moan. Good work, young lady. Keep it up.

R ox

rendevous,

I appreciate your giving this a read, and I'm glad that you liked it.

I'm not quite sure what you are talking about when you said that we've had our differences though, and that you're not a parent. ???

Not sure...

Thanks again though,

Cindy

It was one of may rant type posts whilst drunk. I'm sure it was you. However, you seem to have forgotten as you don't dwell on drunk ranters. More power to you. Strangely, I just seem to have forgetten it too.... Life can be strange. You now smell of scented flowers and look fine in the morning. Funny what memories can become.

Ahem. Not flirting. Just being friendly.I'd better leave before yer hubby shows up.

R xo

You're funny.