Brett
Like you’re other works this was very well written and full of interesting, clever ideas and characters. It was a cute story, pretty formulaic in its structure and theme but what elevated it above its seen-it-done-1000-times roots was the comedic central battle sequence in act 2. The care and attention to detail concerning each shop and the associated familial dynamics and feuding between them enriched events and made for a more engaging and amusing read.
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Hey Col!
My apologies for holding off on replying to your thoughtful comments.
I wanted to bump the thread near the script's one year anniversary.
This was a self imposed Valentine's Day OWC I took on.
I thought establishing a genuine romance in so few pages would be fun!
The Act Two battle I got into my head when I was a BMX riding lad.
In my neighborhood, two such markets existed.
I was biking about late one night, lights humming over empty parking lots.
And I thought to myself...
"Wouldn't it be cool if the two markets had secret turf wars after hours?!?!?"
And yeah, that means I'm the fat dude in the lot bridging acts one and two!
The most striking thing about it was the abrupt changes in tone which I’ve touched upon in the notes below.
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I bookended my childhood fantasy with a Romeo & Juliet wrapper.
To that end, I took a metaphorical page out of musicals.
I noticed they seem to have a devil may care attitude when it comes to genre.
Specifically, during a musical number.
So, I treated my fantasy battle like a Broadway musical number.
I presume this was written around Valentine’s Day or maybe for a competition in which it as theme, if so, its seamlessly incorporated into the narrative.
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Very much so an internal competition.
I try to "live with" ideas for a while before making pages.
I find it helps me to incorporate seemingly obtrusive devices into a script.
I would consider putting any writing/print the character or what you want us to read in inverted commas.
“Emily twirls and models the apron.”
“Matt holds Emily by the shoulders and touches her hair.”
“Emily hangs the Almacs apron on the rack and sighs.”
I would look to dropping “and” wherever possible in the prose too, helps the flow of the read. You seem to have a firm grasp on the technical writing aspects though so maybe this is a conscious decision by you to leave them in. It’s a matter of taste really.
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Not sure what you mean about the commas, Col. Can you elaborate?
LOL! I don't even know how to make inverted quotes with my keyboard.
I used to write with "and", now I've mostly eliminated it.
I've debated revisiting this tale and giving it an anniversary polish.
“The sign goes dark.”
-- Is this because of Ray’s actions with the knife and the fuse box. Has he seen them? It’s left a little unclear as it is.
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I can fix that, no problemo.
Sorta reminds me a little of Walter Hill’s “The Warriors” where each gang has their own outfits and talk jive to one another when face to face. The exchange between Ray and Matt in the dairy aisle, referring to each other as “Almacs pretty boy” and “Demoula thug” respectively is very reminiscent of this.
RAY
Then we settle it, with a rumble.
Your boys against mine. Tonight.
Winner takes over the parking lot.
-- The above line is something that could come straight out of that film; the meeting place, the word “rumble” and the winner-takes-all territorial prize all ring of sleazy, 70s, Jack Hill-esque exploitative cinema. Love the film and the genre so it’s all good.
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Damn Col, you got me. I am a big fan of Coffy, Foxy Brown & The Big Doll House!
Going this route felt like a natural progression from the West Side Story roots.
That pulp gang melodrama sprinkled with just enough "Warriors' street bravado.
From the 50's opener, to the 60's romance, to the 70's exploitative rumble!
Gosh, I'm such a dated bloke!
“A chubby Demoula boy takes the bread upside the head.”
-- I dunno if this is a typo or just your way of describing the action but “upside the head” seems a funny way of phrasing it.
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It's a self indulgent moment I gave myself, using my "teen speak" there.
RAY
Sourdough! Take cover!
-- Great line.
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All part of my anti-sourdough campaign!
The fight takes on such a tongue in cheek impression as it progresses that it became more like the parking lot scrap from “Anchorman”. I liked the use of the various supermarket paraphernalia as weapons, some great visuals in there with the pricing guns and trolley jousting.
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A few someones even mentioned that battle being evocative of Bugsy Malone.
You're a sharp one, Col. You pretty much nailed the impetus for this tale.
I tried to draw on a variety of inspirations that I could hodge podge together.
But, the funny thing is... I've never watched that scene in Anchorman!
Thanks a lot for the detailed commentary.
It's a real treat to read such well composed thoughts.
And even better when you liked what you're writing about.
This tale helped me beat back the blues this time last year when I really needed it.
And having others share/bask in that joyful energy is stone cold awesome!
Valentine Regards,
E.D.
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