The good old script of the day. I try and avoid these now after failing to see the original dates on others that i reviewed where the authors failed to respond, however, you did engage so I hope you are still around.

Have you revised it?

You've been told everything on the format so let's leave it there.

Story wise the idea of two places, or more, different feelings and a plot running through it is a challenge. But let's be clear this was different and I felt I got something out of the read.

My concern would be a decent idea gets lost a dreamy world of multiple shots and ends up confusing. I suppose that the challenge as a writer.

I understand why there is a lot of VO but on reflection I wonder whether this dilutes the story. Perhaps more story backbone, intermixed with the dreamy stuff would be clearer?just a thought.

Would love to see a revision of this. Cheers RD

Thanks Guys.

I have since re plotted and fixed the spelling/formatting errors.

I will be posting the new version up soon.

Anyone have any idea about how to link it the new screenplay on this?

Hey Louise,

I owed you a read after you looked at my own script so thought I would give your old revised script a go. Please let me know if you want a read of anything else?

It’s not a bad little story this one, I like our protag having some mystery power which she hides away thinking it’s a curse but discovers it a gift.

I thought Everline was a good protag but didn’t get much into Abel or Anne, both felt underused and fell a little flat with me.

I think the biggest shame here is amount of errors on display which made me stumble along and never really get into this because like I say, the story’s there and has a lot of potential.

I think you need to clean this up, give it a good old fashioned rewrite and get rid some of the simple typos, grammar and awkward sentences which are littered throughout.

I know this is a revised piece but it still needs more revision IMO.

Also the flashback’s could do with some work for me because I came off as confusing near the end when interchanging with the present, I understood it but feel it could be a little clearer on the page.

On the story, I would concentrate a bit more on the mother/daughter relationship at the beginning and give it some depth because it lacked IMO.  

These notes I took during the read:

P.1 “INT. WEATHERBOARD HOUSE - BACKYARD – DAY” It’s “INT” but we’re in the backyard?

“white sheets” She was playing behind the clothes before?

“coming to a long a black evening dress.” Take out one of the “a” in this sentence.

“ANNE O.S” Put some brackets (O.S) here but to be honest I don’t see the reason for Anne to be off screen.

                      ANNE O.S
                  You Everline...

Not too sure what this means?

“The words becomes distorted.” Reads all wrong IMO, it should just be “become”

“The bed in the” There’s an extra space at the beginning of this sentence, might be something to do with the software your using.

“The bed in the middle of the room Anne wears the same
long black evening dress from the clothesline.”

This reads really awkward.

“over weight” One word “overweight” take out the space.

“CLIENT” I think MAN would work better here but that’s a personal preference.

“the same age on the bed.” I don’t even know how old Anne is in this flashback?

“mother Anne” No need for Anne and mother, take Anna out IMO.

“The Client makes animal like growling noises as the Anne
strikes him harder.”

Take out “the” here. Where’s she striking him to make him growl I wonder?

“Hearing it her Anne stops mid strike and turns.”
“her” needs to be taken out of this passage.

“Hearing it, Anne stops and turns to Everline.”

Get rid of those continued’s on the top and bottom of the pages, it will save you some space.

P.2 “over weight” No need to mention this again, we know he’s overweight.

“Anne is fast” Get rid of that pesky “is” why not “Anne runs fast” be more visual.

“a ear” should be “an ear”

Think you might need to fade in again here after fading to black.

“The ellipses from the title fade into the colon” Is this happening in Everline’s room. I think it would work on screen but it doesn’t read right here where you have it. Makes it a confusing sentence to read.

A bit over overwriting here IMO but I’ll know for sure by the end.

P. 3 “INT. EVERLINE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS”

You could just use a mini-slug “kitchen” here if you wanted. The way you have it is fine but I’m just pointing out information for the future.

“ABEL (V.O)” Now this needs to be (O.S)

“certain kind of magnetism” I think you should be specific, there are a few kinds of magnetism? What I’m trying to say is unless this is absolutely vital info then try to cut it as its wasted space.

“How long you’d last this time?” Reads wrong… think you mean “how long did you last this time?”

“he counts” Superfluous, we’ll see he counts in the dialogue.

“fills the kettle with water.” That’s what you put in them.

P.4 “You’ve pushed it to hard Abe.” Should be “too”

“EVALINE” Wrong name, should be “Everline”

“(Reads the screen)” Get rid of this wrylie, unneeded.

“I am waiting deep inside you” Missing period at the end of this line.

P.6 “Her eyes widen. Eyes dilate.” A lot the action needs tightening and its simple things. “Her eyes widen, dilate” Only a little example here but I’ve seen a lot which would be easy to shorten and read clearer.

“INT. EVERLINE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS”

Probably shouldn’t be continuous here and you might want to think about having a transition or something to state that it’s the end of the flashback. Just a thought.

Also a lot of missing comma’s and like throughout which interrupts the read, something to look out for.

P.7 “KERRPLUNK!” I think it’s only one “r” like you had earlier…it’s a funny sound for somebody getting hit by a car.

P.8 “She” Is this supposed to be on its lonesome in one of the passages?

“EXT. BACKYRAD - DAY – FLASHBACK” Typo on “backyard”

“Fifteen meters from the house is a square shallow sandbox.” That’s very precise but is it important?

Should have just called the baby Abel IMO.

“he crawls towards to her.” Take “to” out here.

“She can sense he is not entirely with him.” Huh? Think you mean “her” instead of him.

                       EVERLINE
               Everline ...stay with me.

Think this should be Abel’s line of dialogue?

“EXT. BACKYRAD” Another typo on backyard.

P.9 “EXT. BACKYRAD” Again here.

“She told me not run because it would find me.” Missing “to” between not and run.

A good little story with lots of potential but it needs to be cleaned up to make it a stronger read.

Hope this helps, all the best with it.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Thanks for taking your time on this, Steve.

I read a few screenplays but it helps when someone points out all things you miss when writing your own!

Stuff like transitions from and the flashbacks is a hard one... you said you got confused in the last sequence. What would make it easier for you to read the transition from the present to the past?

Hey Loulou

Steve pointed out that there are a lot of typos so I won't list them but he's right, there are quite a few. (I'm bad for them too).

I'll start though by saying the first scene confused me a little.  Anne's dialogue is (O.S.) so I assume we can't see her but then you describe things happening to her i.e. hers eyes widen and dilate? Do we still see Anne in the backyard but her dialogue is V.O?  I'm not saying anything you've done here is wrong, just that I was a little confused.

Anne spanks her client but when she notices Everline she pushes the client off and gives chase. Funny but I pictured Anne on top of her client. I don't see how she would spank him while being underneath him?

Honestly, I hate the 'Kerplunk'. I got a flashback to 70's Batman.

Do the 'Flashbacks' happen before the first scene or are they flashbacks from Everline being older?  I mean, should the first scene be a flashback too?  If so you probably don't need to include flashback at all.

Man that kettle boiled quick lol.

Not sure why Everline says 'Everline...stay with me'?  Is this a typo?

I was confused by this: Everline says 'Know what my mum said to me before I passed away'?  Is she dead?

There's a lot of past tense paragraphs, meaning a lot of 'ing' words.  I'd try to avoid using to many.

I enjoyed the story but it's too confusing at the moment, what with typo's I'm not sure if something's are intentional or simply a mistake.  Is or did Everline die or is this a typo?  Once cleaned up I think it's a decent story.  I was left wondering how she got the 'gift', did she return to her mother's side?  Also the time travel thing can cause a shit storm of arguments.  For Abel to know the poem, Everline would have had to have visited him long before the accident but yet she visits him just after the accident and tells him the poem then.  This is all bollocks really and I shouldn't read too much into it. It's a good story that just needs ironing out a bit.

Hey Louise.

What happened to the lesbian kiss?  (J/k.  I promise I'm really not a perv.)

Oops.  Wait a minute.  We got some spanking action going on on the first page.  That'll make up for it.  :-)

Wow.  A revision?  From what I remember, this seems like a whole different story altogether.

This is quite a bit clearer and I think I understand a bit more what's going on than I did the first draft, but I think things are still vague with what's really happening to this girl and with her powers.  Though I get it more with this draft, I'm still not certain I understand the full depth of the story... And I'd like to.

Lol.  I'm not too sure 'kerplunk' is the sound you're going for when someone gets hit by a truck.  Not to sound krass, but 'kerplunk' is usually used when somebody's on the toilet.  I think a better depiction of a car accident would be 'screeching tires and a dull thud'.  Or, if you really want to leave an image in someone's mind, you can say 'screeching tires and the sound of metal hitting bone'.

Everybody else mentioned the typo's, and I did notice quite a few myself.  Not really that important, but there were enough that it kept drawing my eye away from the story.

Back to the vagueness of this girl and what's really going on with her, maybe that's the way you had wanted the story to be, with us trying to put everything together ourselves and work to get the story, but I really think you should delve a little more and give us more clues to what's really going on with Everline.

(Also, how do you pronounce her name?  Is it pronounced 'Everline' with a long I, like a line on a paper?  Or is it pronounced 'Everlean'?  Wasn't sure as I kept reading it and was just wondering.

- Mark

Thanks for the feedback Affly. Yes, I have gotten a lot of notes on the confusing sequence of events. The first sequence Everline witnesses her mothers death. This was not meant to be a flashback. I steered away from using a SUPER: TWENTY YEARS LATER but maybe it would wiser to add it on?

I see what you mean Mark, this script does lack the lesbian action. Sex sells right?

Yes, it is a different story. Completely new plot that is closer to what I was going for.

There was a suggestion earlier that the relationship between Everline and her mother should be explored further. So I'll work on that. Also I pronounce it Everlean...