This Little Gift of Mine by Louise Lee Mei (loulou) - Short, Thriller, Drama -  A young girl discovers the real meaning behind her psychic curse. 11 pages - pdf, format

Louise,

I noticed you mentioned this script on rc1107's thread "A Few Will Find This Difficult",  so I had to take a look.   All I can say is this story is a trip.  Creative-wise I really liked it.  But format wise it's got many problems.   I'm not a format guru, so I'm not even gonna attempt to point out the problems, but I think if you compare your script to a few others you'll easily see where you're going wrong.  

But again, I just want to reiterate creatively speaking this story is pretty cool.   There's some deep stuff going on here.   Sorry, I can't be more help at this time.   Hopefully others will chime in and offer you more insight.

All the best

Louise,

This was quite a trip.  There are two things that really stood out to me as driving forces that pushed the story in opposite directions.  The first is that this is deep and I'm not entirely sure I got the whole thing.  What I gathered is that this woman is basically in two different worlds and this incident she had allowed her to fully cross over into one of them.  That's what I got.  The other thing which plays a key role here is that this read slow for a short.  The wording I think can be much simplified in the descriptions and there's a good amount of typos.  One or two you go by but as they keep surfacing they start to become potholes on the page.  

A good technical cleanup would do wonders for this.  It's a trippy story for sure but there's something good there.  

Nice work.

Greg

Thanks for the feedback guys!

I will definitely have to go back and check the formatting. I'm using a program called Celtx, so I'm sure if it's the program or my silly excited little mind glossing over things.

It does sound like you guys got the concept but it was not as clear as it could be. In a nutshell, Everline's psychic ability is being in more than one dimension at a time simultaneously. What turns her gift into a curse is the drugs and alcohol she uses to cope with her life. She unable to control her destinations. So in essence she is in the hotel room, the park and her flashback (in the bar) all at the same time. She can go anywhere and do anything and bring it into the present moment.

Hey Louise, first of all, welcome to the site.

I read this and it is definitely imaginative, but honestly it was quite tough to follow. I didn't pick up on a lot of what you intended. But I think that if things were made a bit clearer the story has potential.

Do you have experience writing short stories or novels? It seems as though you are experienced in writing, though not so much in this format. You have a lot of prose-like description that could be taken out here without hurting the story. I agree with Greg that it reads quite slow, and this is the main reason.

As to the formatting, it's just a couple of things. First, you need to include V.O. in brackets when you use them. The other big issue is your use of the ellipsis. While it is technically correct to use an ellipsis with double spacing in general writing, in screenplays it's encouraged to not have it spaced like that. So just (...) is perfectly fine. You also don't need to space before you begin the ellipsis, just straight after the word is fine. You have some instances where you've used 4 periods and 2 in others, so that needs cleaning up. And an instance where you've begun the ellipsis on one line and continued it on the next. You can't have this.

In a lot of these instances you don't need to use an ellipsis at all. You can write in broken sentences in dialogue and it's not a problem. The other option you've got is to use a double dash (--) which you'll often find used in description and dialogue. It just helps speed up the pace a little and saves some space, and you'd be better off using it here in the majority of cases.

It takes a little while to change your writing techniques and adapt them to this medium, but you'll get the hang of it. It's certainly not bad for a first script. Keep reading plenty of other scripts and you'll speed up the learning process.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hey Louise,

THANK YOU!!

Quoted from Crossing Over Pixie girl leans over Everline and softly kisses her on the lips.

That's exactly what I needed to get the images of my last story out of my head.  You're awesome!

Actually, I liked this story and it was all mainly because of the imagery.  And it could all be done (for the most part, I think) on a cheap budget, so I'm sure it'll appeal to some of the directors out there.

However, there are some things I feel that can be brushed up in the script.  (And also cleared up, story-wise.)

Trojan made the point about the ellipsis'.  A lot of them, if not all of them, were unnecessary and could be replaced with either a comma or the double-dash.  And Greg alluded to the typos, which usually I don't mind, but there were a couple too many for comfort.

It was a little bit of a thick read, and a lot could probably cut down to make the read smoother.  I do a lot of overwriting myself so I probably have no room to talk, but I can give you a couple example of what could have been cut down.

Your opening description, for instance.

"EXT. PARK - DAY
The bright midday sun shines down a picturesque deserted park. The setting is serene, as the sound of the soft wind rushes against the trees."

It might read better like this.

"EXT. PARK - DAY
Serene.  Soft wind rustles the leaves in the trees.  The bright sun shines down."


See how it takes your 25 words and cuts it down to 14 without losing the image?  There was no reason to use 'midday' since you have DAY in your slug.  There was no reason to say 'deserted' since Everline and two children are there we found out later.  You didn't have to use the phrase 'The sound of' since we know that 'rustling' is a sound anyway.  And using the word 'picturesque' isn't that bad, but parks are always picturesque anyway, so it becomes slightly extraneous.  If they weren't picturesque, it would just be called the woods.  :-)

Like I said, I overwrite a lot, too, but paying attention to those little things can make a read so much more smooth.

I'm going to go back and take a read again.  Because when I read this lastnight, I thought the story dealt with more of crossing over into the afterlife (which is what I thought the park was.)  I guess I did miss something along the way.

So I'll go back and take a second look to see if I get a better understanding.

Like I said, I really liked the visuals a lot in this.  Just a good editing will clean a lot of the scripts up.  I'll talk to you in a bit.

- Mark

Thanks Trojan, actually I have only been practising writing screenplays for the last two years. Before i never really wrote much.

Okay, so the prose like descriptions have to go. With Mark's excellent example I think I got it. A smooth read is consistent with economical descriptions.

With the ellipsis I have seen a couple of screenplays that use them in (...) without the spaces. I was a little unsure if this was correct or not. Thanks for pointing that out Trojan. There has got to be a formatting website that tells you all this stuff somewhere out there?

Glad, I'm able to help your overactive mind Mark with my lesbian depiction! Haha! Yes, the film is about Crossing Over to the afterlife. The park, the door, represents certain death. I'm going to go through with a fine toothed comb. Can you repost new drafts of scripts in this forum?

Yep, just submit it the same way you did before, but with the new file, and in the 'Anything else? Comments? Questions?' box, just make sure to let Don (the Administrator) know that it's a new draft of a script that's already been posted.

Quoted from Loulou A smooth read is consistent with economical descriptions.

Be sure you don't lose the vivid descriptions!  Just lose the extraneous stuff.  If you read it outloud, you should never get shortwinded.

Hi Louise,

I just gave this one a read.  I'm afraid that most of the things that I picked up on have already been mentioned, so I won't have much to add but I wanted to drop in and say that with a re-write implementing some of the suggestions that you've received above, this could turn out to be a nice piece.

As others have mentioned, this reads a little longer than 10 pages, and as others have pointed out, I think that is because of the novel type prose.  I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about that as I think it's something that a lot of people, myself included, struggle with from time to time.  My take on it is essentially that it's all right from time to time, but you have to pick and choose your spots.  I think Mark gave you some terrific advice and a great example of what you should be shooting for.

I also wanted to comment about the V.O.  I think towards the end it got a bit stilted, and that also affected the read for me.  For example you write:

EVERLINE V.O
. . to save . . .
The life drains from her eyes.
EVERLINE V.O
. . myself.

I get the vibe that you are going for, but I think with something like this, you might be better off combining the two lines into one.  I guess it's not a big deal, but I think it would lend itself to a smoother read.

Anyway, I do think you have a very interesting concept here.  I think a re-write incorporating the suggestions you've received will go a long way to tightening up your story.  I hope this helps, and best of luck.

Craig

Wow, thanks for the great feedback guys. Can't tell you how valuable it is to a novice writer such as myself. I'm going to implement the advice straight away!

I will certainly play around with the 'drawn out' V.O ending Craig. I agree it might better to tighten that section up.

Thanks again Lou!

Hi Louise,

I really liked this short. Everything that needed to be said has already been said by the other guys, but what I will add is don't get too bogged down about what's wrong and what's right regarding formatting. That will all come naturally. What cannot be taught is your writing style. You have flair girl. Keep up the good work!


DP

Quoted from Loulou There has got to be a formatting website that tells you all this stuff somewhere out there?

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t.....wV6QIFEyk5WX6bcDyR8g

Hello LouLou...welcome to the boards

There's a few places on the internet that can help you out as well.  This is just one if you haven't checked it out yet.  Mistake#2, but read all of them when you get a chance.

I'm not going to rehash anything else that was said, so I'll just give my overall thought.  I had to read it twice.  I have to agree this was pretty interesting, and a cool idea, but the problem lies in clarity here I think.  A script that is clear, and easy to understand is what you want to strive for.  (Of course I could have missed the point which I sometimes often do.)

Very entertaining despite a few problems.  A good re-write will take care of it.  If you submit the updated version I'll take another look.

Good Luck

Ghostie

Thanks DP and Ghostwriter! I hope keep perusing this one till I get some good clarity. I think I have a way I make the central premise clearer, omitting all the drugs etc. and simplifying the present circumstance more. Will certainly post a rewrite soon.

In the mean time I'll post something else I have been working on!

These are some trippy visuals you have written down here.  I could paint a picture of what was going on in every scene.  The dialogue could use some work though.  Again, the visuals were really cool.  Keep up the good work!

Hi.
I am new to screen writing so have little in the way of technical advice as I am still learning but the spelling mistakes were a real distraction as were the spaced periods but this has been said before.

The story itself was incredibly imaginative and I had to read it twice to grasp it all - but I would have read it twice anyway as it was really enjoyable!
If I had to describe it in three words: Trippy, Sensual, Deep.

The good old script of the day. I try and avoid these now after failing to see the original dates on others that i reviewed where the authors failed to respond, however, you did engage so I hope you are still around.

Have you revised it?

You've been told everything on the format so let's leave it there.

Story wise the idea of two places, or more, different feelings and a plot running through it is a challenge. But let's be clear this was different and I felt I got something out of the read.

My concern would be a decent idea gets lost a dreamy world of multiple shots and ends up confusing. I suppose that the challenge as a writer.

I understand why there is a lot of VO but on reflection I wonder whether this dilutes the story. Perhaps more story backbone, intermixed with the dreamy stuff would be clearer?just a thought.

Would love to see a revision of this. Cheers RD

Thanks Guys.

I have since re plotted and fixed the spelling/formatting errors.

I will be posting the new version up soon.

Anyone have any idea about how to link it the new screenplay on this?

Hey Louise,

I owed you a read after you looked at my own script so thought I would give your old revised script a go. Please let me know if you want a read of anything else?

It’s not a bad little story this one, I like our protag having some mystery power which she hides away thinking it’s a curse but discovers it a gift.

I thought Everline was a good protag but didn’t get much into Abel or Anne, both felt underused and fell a little flat with me.

I think the biggest shame here is amount of errors on display which made me stumble along and never really get into this because like I say, the story’s there and has a lot of potential.

I think you need to clean this up, give it a good old fashioned rewrite and get rid some of the simple typos, grammar and awkward sentences which are littered throughout.

I know this is a revised piece but it still needs more revision IMO.

Also the flashback’s could do with some work for me because I came off as confusing near the end when interchanging with the present, I understood it but feel it could be a little clearer on the page.

On the story, I would concentrate a bit more on the mother/daughter relationship at the beginning and give it some depth because it lacked IMO.  

These notes I took during the read:

P.1 “INT. WEATHERBOARD HOUSE - BACKYARD – DAY” It’s “INT” but we’re in the backyard?

“white sheets” She was playing behind the clothes before?

“coming to a long a black evening dress.” Take out one of the “a” in this sentence.

“ANNE O.S” Put some brackets (O.S) here but to be honest I don’t see the reason for Anne to be off screen.

                      ANNE O.S
                  You Everline...

Not too sure what this means?

“The words becomes distorted.” Reads all wrong IMO, it should just be “become”

“The bed in the” There’s an extra space at the beginning of this sentence, might be something to do with the software your using.

“The bed in the middle of the room Anne wears the same
long black evening dress from the clothesline.”

This reads really awkward.

“over weight” One word “overweight” take out the space.

“CLIENT” I think MAN would work better here but that’s a personal preference.

“the same age on the bed.” I don’t even know how old Anne is in this flashback?

“mother Anne” No need for Anne and mother, take Anna out IMO.

“The Client makes animal like growling noises as the Anne
strikes him harder.”

Take out “the” here. Where’s she striking him to make him growl I wonder?

“Hearing it her Anne stops mid strike and turns.”
“her” needs to be taken out of this passage.

“Hearing it, Anne stops and turns to Everline.”

Get rid of those continued’s on the top and bottom of the pages, it will save you some space.

P.2 “over weight” No need to mention this again, we know he’s overweight.

“Anne is fast” Get rid of that pesky “is” why not “Anne runs fast” be more visual.

“a ear” should be “an ear”

Think you might need to fade in again here after fading to black.

“The ellipses from the title fade into the colon” Is this happening in Everline’s room. I think it would work on screen but it doesn’t read right here where you have it. Makes it a confusing sentence to read.

A bit over overwriting here IMO but I’ll know for sure by the end.

P. 3 “INT. EVERLINE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS”

You could just use a mini-slug “kitchen” here if you wanted. The way you have it is fine but I’m just pointing out information for the future.

“ABEL (V.O)” Now this needs to be (O.S)

“certain kind of magnetism” I think you should be specific, there are a few kinds of magnetism? What I’m trying to say is unless this is absolutely vital info then try to cut it as its wasted space.

“How long you’d last this time?” Reads wrong… think you mean “how long did you last this time?”

“he counts” Superfluous, we’ll see he counts in the dialogue.

“fills the kettle with water.” That’s what you put in them.

P.4 “You’ve pushed it to hard Abe.” Should be “too”

“EVALINE” Wrong name, should be “Everline”

“(Reads the screen)” Get rid of this wrylie, unneeded.

“I am waiting deep inside you” Missing period at the end of this line.

P.6 “Her eyes widen. Eyes dilate.” A lot the action needs tightening and its simple things. “Her eyes widen, dilate” Only a little example here but I’ve seen a lot which would be easy to shorten and read clearer.

“INT. EVERLINE’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN – CONTINUOUS”

Probably shouldn’t be continuous here and you might want to think about having a transition or something to state that it’s the end of the flashback. Just a thought.

Also a lot of missing comma’s and like throughout which interrupts the read, something to look out for.

P.7 “KERRPLUNK!” I think it’s only one “r” like you had earlier…it’s a funny sound for somebody getting hit by a car.

P.8 “She” Is this supposed to be on its lonesome in one of the passages?

“EXT. BACKYRAD - DAY – FLASHBACK” Typo on “backyard”

“Fifteen meters from the house is a square shallow sandbox.” That’s very precise but is it important?

Should have just called the baby Abel IMO.

“he crawls towards to her.” Take “to” out here.

“She can sense he is not entirely with him.” Huh? Think you mean “her” instead of him.

                       EVERLINE
               Everline ...stay with me.

Think this should be Abel’s line of dialogue?

“EXT. BACKYRAD” Another typo on backyard.

P.9 “EXT. BACKYRAD” Again here.

“She told me not run because it would find me.” Missing “to” between not and run.

A good little story with lots of potential but it needs to be cleaned up to make it a stronger read.

Hope this helps, all the best with it.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Thanks for taking your time on this, Steve.

I read a few screenplays but it helps when someone points out all things you miss when writing your own!

Stuff like transitions from and the flashbacks is a hard one... you said you got confused in the last sequence. What would make it easier for you to read the transition from the present to the past?

Hey Loulou

Steve pointed out that there are a lot of typos so I won't list them but he's right, there are quite a few. (I'm bad for them too).

I'll start though by saying the first scene confused me a little.  Anne's dialogue is (O.S.) so I assume we can't see her but then you describe things happening to her i.e. hers eyes widen and dilate? Do we still see Anne in the backyard but her dialogue is V.O?  I'm not saying anything you've done here is wrong, just that I was a little confused.

Anne spanks her client but when she notices Everline she pushes the client off and gives chase. Funny but I pictured Anne on top of her client. I don't see how she would spank him while being underneath him?

Honestly, I hate the 'Kerplunk'. I got a flashback to 70's Batman.

Do the 'Flashbacks' happen before the first scene or are they flashbacks from Everline being older?  I mean, should the first scene be a flashback too?  If so you probably don't need to include flashback at all.

Man that kettle boiled quick lol.

Not sure why Everline says 'Everline...stay with me'?  Is this a typo?

I was confused by this: Everline says 'Know what my mum said to me before I passed away'?  Is she dead?

There's a lot of past tense paragraphs, meaning a lot of 'ing' words.  I'd try to avoid using to many.

I enjoyed the story but it's too confusing at the moment, what with typo's I'm not sure if something's are intentional or simply a mistake.  Is or did Everline die or is this a typo?  Once cleaned up I think it's a decent story.  I was left wondering how she got the 'gift', did she return to her mother's side?  Also the time travel thing can cause a shit storm of arguments.  For Abel to know the poem, Everline would have had to have visited him long before the accident but yet she visits him just after the accident and tells him the poem then.  This is all bollocks really and I shouldn't read too much into it. It's a good story that just needs ironing out a bit.

Hey Louise.

What happened to the lesbian kiss?  (J/k.  I promise I'm really not a perv.)

Oops.  Wait a minute.  We got some spanking action going on on the first page.  That'll make up for it.  :-)

Wow.  A revision?  From what I remember, this seems like a whole different story altogether.

This is quite a bit clearer and I think I understand a bit more what's going on than I did the first draft, but I think things are still vague with what's really happening to this girl and with her powers.  Though I get it more with this draft, I'm still not certain I understand the full depth of the story... And I'd like to.

Lol.  I'm not too sure 'kerplunk' is the sound you're going for when someone gets hit by a truck.  Not to sound krass, but 'kerplunk' is usually used when somebody's on the toilet.  I think a better depiction of a car accident would be 'screeching tires and a dull thud'.  Or, if you really want to leave an image in someone's mind, you can say 'screeching tires and the sound of metal hitting bone'.

Everybody else mentioned the typo's, and I did notice quite a few myself.  Not really that important, but there were enough that it kept drawing my eye away from the story.

Back to the vagueness of this girl and what's really going on with her, maybe that's the way you had wanted the story to be, with us trying to put everything together ourselves and work to get the story, but I really think you should delve a little more and give us more clues to what's really going on with Everline.

(Also, how do you pronounce her name?  Is it pronounced 'Everline' with a long I, like a line on a paper?  Or is it pronounced 'Everlean'?  Wasn't sure as I kept reading it and was just wondering.

- Mark

Thanks for the feedback Affly. Yes, I have gotten a lot of notes on the confusing sequence of events. The first sequence Everline witnesses her mothers death. This was not meant to be a flashback. I steered away from using a SUPER: TWENTY YEARS LATER but maybe it would wiser to add it on?

I see what you mean Mark, this script does lack the lesbian action. Sex sells right?

Yes, it is a different story. Completely new plot that is closer to what I was going for.

There was a suggestion earlier that the relationship between Everline and her mother should be explored further. So I'll work on that. Also I pronounce it Everlean...