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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Have You Registered To Vote? Moderators: bert
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Elmer
Posted: September 6th, 2011, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoy sketch comedy and I thought this was pretty amusing. Not quite TV-worthy, but this would definitely work as a YouTube viral comedy video or something along those lines.

I didn't think 3 pages was too long because it does what it's supposed to. It makes it funnier and builds up to a solid punch line.

Nice job dude.
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Inquiringmind
Posted: September 7th, 2011, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Will WT*? Why?

This script was too short to be any good. The gags were obvious, and the brendan character is obviously not human. I'm going to suspend my belief that he can just pop up any where because?

It would be kind of funny if he had a worm hole in his pocket that he just slap against the wall when he needed to stalk people.

The last part is random. It would work if you he had another party's logo on him some where.

This is an easy short to shoot, so I get why you made it, but I expect better things from you next time.

Happy writing
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albinopenguin
Posted: September 7th, 2011, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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hey ED, thanks so much for the tips and read! yeah this isnt my best work and i'll be the first to admit it. i actually wrote the script because i just downloaded celtx and needed something easy to write (and basically already written). haha well here's the thing about the film. i wasnt allowed to use lighting/sound equipment for the project. so it looks like utter shit. in addition, one of our fellow posters starred in the film (I'll give you a hint, his last name is mcclung haha). simply put, he was awesome. such a trooper and even though he doesnt consider himself to be an actor, he gave it his all. the dynamic between him and the japanese exchange student that played brendan worked out REALLY well (the fact that he was japanese made it funnier). but since james is in it, i'd feel bad posting it (not because of his performance, but because of how awful the short looks haha). but really, thanks for the read as always.

and thanks elmer! let me know if and when i can return the favor. youtube was exactly what i was aiming for.

and i appreciate the read as well IM. same as elmer. and to be honest, i completely see what you're saying. my other work is SO much better than this short. as previously stated, it was just a reason to experiment with celtx. furthermore, i think this script works MUCH better on film than on paper (when usually its the other way around). the reader has to suspend every sense of logic in order to understand what's going on. so naturally, its going to trip people up (not your fault, but rather mine). thanks man!


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bert
Posted: September 7th, 2011, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Has anybody mentioned to you yet how this script is really just a retro-fitted "Green Eggs and Ham"?

That's the way it read to me, anyway.

I do not mean that as a bad thing.  The payoff is weak, but the set-up was pretty sound.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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