Ryan,

Nice to see some new stuff from you. This was a nice, tight read. If I had any complaints, it would be that its too short. Would've liked to know more about Chad's motives and what he's doing collecting these monsters. The banter between him and Tanek was pretty good. Loved the Stetson cologne.

Would like to see more from this character...

James

Thanks for reading, Heretic.  Glad you liked the character.   I thought i did put him in jeopardy, though, with the vampire.  Fact is, Tanek could have easily snapped Chad's neck if he hadn't paused and asked for any last words.  Never ask anyone if they have any last words.  Just kill 'em.  But, I wanted to show the vampire was as arrogant as Chad.

James,

Yeah, this was written for the moviepoet contest, so I had to keep it at five pages.  I added that last scene for this version just so I could finish on Chad.  There was a line in the original script, where Chad talks about opening his own crypto-zoo, but the problem was the line sounded odd because he was talking to himself.  So, I cut it from this version.  But, that's his motivation for collecting these monsters.  If I do expand this one into a feature, I'm sure I'll go deeper into why and how he got into this line of work.

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Ryan1 But, I wanted to show the vampire was as arrogant as Chad.

Hey Ryan,

I didn't quite see things that way...I like that a lot!  I wonder if this could possibly be made more clear?  Or maybe I just wasn't on the ball when reading.

Here's how I felt.  Chad surprises Tanek and, at the same time, the viewer -- it turns out that he had planned for this situation after all.  Even if Chad maybe wasn't in complete control of the situation, the sudden reveal that he knew more than he let on, combined with the sudden reveal of the trick that's been to some extent played on the audience, makes it feel like he was in control the entire time.  Does that make sense?  If we saw Chad slowly easing the garlic thingy out of his pocket or something (obviously that's not the answer), that would point towards arrogance on the part of the vampire.  Since it comes as a complete surprise, and is coupled with Chad's brash demeanour, I felt that he was in control the whole time.

But I really like the idea of an arrogant monster hunter hunting arrogant monsters.

Hey Ryan1

I read this story and I have to say nice job!

Kind of a "Big trouble in little China" meets the Ghost Busters vibe going on here IMO.

Well written and would probably be even better with more story of course.

Very good job!

Great stuff, Ryan.  Perfect short in my opinion. Pretty flawless, to be honest.

I would love to read a feature.

This was fun, loved your protagonist, what a memorable name.  He always seemed to be such a cool character, especially when speaking to the vampire.

There is definitely potential for a feature for this kind of material and character.

I couldn't fault any of the writing, it flowed well.  In fact the only downside I could see of this whole script was the fact it was a only a short.  I wanted more!

Good job. Enjoyed it.

Steve

Hi Ryan,

I enjoyed this overall but in the end, it's pointless. There's no plot. Only a setup for something bigger. That'd be fine if it wasn't six pages. You should beef this up another 20 pages or so. Otherwise, it's just a tease. A series pilot is a tease, naturally. But at least it can fit a story into itself. As much as I enjoyed the world you created, you ain't got plot, character... nothing.

Aside from the grand scheme of things, I had some logistical issues with this one. First off, the method by which Chad catches the Sasquatch. Fair enough... except for the Stetson cologne. A funny line but... WTF? Isn't the male Sasquatch gonna smell something's up when approaching this guy? Especially if it's covered in hair and reeking of pheromones. ...okay, you didn't write that. But doesn't it make sense? Really... my mind went to the pheromones angle right away. Seems like common knowledge at this point in time. I'd make mention of it, one way or another.

Further more, I have to question how knowledgable this Chad Briggs really is. The ease with which he captures the Sasquatch, Tanek and all the other monsters... it doesn't make a whole lotta sense. Okay. I've already addressed the Sasquatch issue. But how about this salamander creature? Sounds cool... but if Chad can't even name it, how did he even have the foresight to catch it? What info did he have on it not to have some idea what to call it? If he's being sent out by a government/corporation/whatever, he's gotta know something about it.

The "sewer beast" gag was kinda funny but... "sewer beast?" The name is utterly cheap. Name it something cooler. The gag works, BTW.

Finally, Tanek... if Chad can capture a Sasquatch, werewolf, "unnamed-salamanader-creature," etc... how in the fuck would he not believe vampires exist?! Because somehow werewolfs and Sasquatch made sooo much sense... uhh, no!

I just have to think back to the first moment he found out something he thought didn't exist... did exist. If it were something classic like a werewolf, mummy, Creature from the Black Lagoon, whatever... he'd just have to believe vampires were possible. Really, after that, he'd have to believe anything is on the table.

In any case, why would Tanek consider the other creatures his "brethen?" Okay, so they're all persecuted by Chad... but definitely not the same species! How Tanek feels any kinship to these creatures is beyond me. He definitely comes across as the elitist type who thinks vampires are better than all. Doubt he'd have much sympathy for the others, let alone connection.

On the plus side, I think out of all of this, you've created a world. I don't particularly pick up on any consistency in it but all the characters seem different and from their own respective worlds. There's a sense of mingling here that suits your mythos well. I just think you need to tie it together better.

Speaking of which, you really gotta step up things here. You've got a strong base, for sure. Really. But nothing seems to go anywhere and the things that try to do so (e.g. Tanek) really don't make all that much sense.

Honestly, I'd like to see a different incarnation of this one. It's off to a good start but the handful of nitpicks I have are really pestering me at this point. Hope this helps.

Ryan

This was great, wonderful concept very funny. Some fantastic one liners in there.

Particularly enjoyed the Bum character and the garlic mist device.

“grinning maw”

- LOVE that line.

I could see this as a very marketable pitch for a feature, lots of crazy ways to take the central conceit and go balls out with it.

Cant really say much more, well done.

Col.

Basket and Steve,

Thanks for the reads and glad you liked it.  I'm considering adapting this to a feature, but I'm still not sure I want to commit.  Coincidentally, I read today about a movie coming out next year called Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters.  In 3-D!  A completely different story, of course, but it makes me wonder if this basic premise is too broad.  I'd need to really narrow the focus to make it a feature.

Ryan

James,

I do appreciate someone with an eye for logic.  You bring up valid points with the Stetson cologne and also why Tanek would consider these monsters his "bretheren."  I have to stress that this script was written my-t-quik for Moviepoet(as in a couple hours) and it's decidedly tongue in cheek.  Now, I needed a reason for Tanek to appear, so he states this belief in his kinship with these "mythical beasts" as the cause for his appearance.  Due to page restriction, I didn't really have time to delve deeper into Tanek's logic, and frankly I didn't feel the need to.

"Finally, Tanek... if Chad can capture a Sasquatch, werewolf, "unnamed-salamanader-creature," etc... how in the f*** would he not believe vampires exist?! Because somehow werewolfs and Sasquatch made sooo much sense... uhh, no!"

Yikes.  Snark factor off the charts on that one.  But, uh, did you miss the line when Chad says, "I lied.  I believe in vampires?"  

It was written for laughs, and I'm glad you at least got a couple from it.  I think.

Col,

Good to see you around these parts again.  Been awhile.  thanks for the read.  Time for you to post some new stuff now.

Ryan

Quoted from Ryan1 I have to stress that this script was written my-t-quik for Moviepoet(as in a couple hours) and it's decidedly tongue in cheek.

Tongue and cheek is fine. But I was really reminded of Hellboy reading this and Hellboy was able to commit to details and logistics with tongue planted firmly in cheek. It sets the bar pretty high as far as campy supernatural exterminator fiction goes. Then again, not everything can be Hellboy.

Another Moviepoet script, eh? I think I might have to avoid these from now on. I've read quite a few and I tend to have mixed feelings toward them. The guidelines of the contest are almost always a factor. Not every story can be crammed into five pages.

Quoted from Ryan1 "Finally, Tanek... if Chad can capture a Sasquatch, werewolf, "unnamed-salamanader-creature," etc... how in the f*** would he not believe vampires exist?! Because somehow werewolfs and Sasquatch made sooo much sense... uhh, no!" Yikes.  Snark factor off the charts on that one.  But, uh, did you miss the line when Chad says, "I lied.  I believe in vampires?"

That is a little much. Sorry, man. I'm not afraid to insert a little snark in my reviews, just for fun, but I think I got carried away here. Clearly, I stumbled over that line, yes.  

Quoted from Ryan1 It was written for laughs, and I'm glad you at least got a couple from it.  I think.

I did. In hindsight, I think the script was more or less fun and I came at it harsher than it deserves. Not really sure why. Might've been drinking, though I can't recall.

Quoted from Ryan1 Good to see you around these parts again.  Been awhile.  thanks for the read.  Time for you to post some new stuff now.

Yeah, been laying low for a while. Trying to get back in the swing of things. Hope to get the new feature up sometime in January or February.

My only problem with this script is that it just ended.  It just left me hanging.  Hopefully, you'll consider extending it.


Phil

Ryan,
Thought your script was a great idea, but I felt it needed more. That Chad Briggs is just way too smooth, he needed some type of problem. Maybe the vampire could get the drop on him somehow, but of course our hero Mr. Briggs finds a way out. When I read the log line I was pretty excited to read this one however, I was disappointed by the end of it. If you made this longer and put some twist in it I’m sure this script will be amazing.
Cheers,
Josh B.

Quoted from dogglebe My only problem with this script is that it just ended.  It just left me hanging.  Hopefully, you'll consider extending it. Phil

Perhaps Chad has some plumbing needs and could meet up with this guy.

Thats a really fun rubber monster movie. I thought of it when I saw Ryan's title.