Pretty much all my notes have been mentioned by others.

One thing I feel I should mention is the detail: It's thorough in places, but not in others. Sometimes there is detail where there really doesn't need to be - sprinklers running, what's on the TV in page 5 - and there's no physical description of your characters.

Obviously you don't need to go into uber detail ("he has a small mole on his upper lip and his facial hair is approx x amount long") but some would be appreciated. It makes picturing it easier.

As Andrew said, it's a really strong concept and I think it could be explored further if you wanted to. But my advice would be to take another look at it - you certainly have the foundations of quite an interesting script. Your logline definitely caught my eye and I read it all the way through - which doesn't sound like much but overall it held my attention.

Keep up the good work, and best wishes with making this yourself.

Hi Brandon.
Nice story. Could be nice short subject documentary.