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Looks well written - first impressions are fairly good.
I agree the scene numbering is a bit off-putting.
(O/S) is normally written (O.S.) as far as I know.
It's really unfinished, isn't it - it gets to the point where there is conflict - things needing to be resolved, and then pulls out. It really needs finishing if you are going to do justice to it - it played out quite nicely, so I hope you tackle the rest of it.
Well written, with a few minor quarks... You're writing in production mode and a few instances of cam work. Nothing that can't be fixed in a second or two.
Loved the way it was written. Read nice, clean and down the line. If I didn't look at who wrote it, I'd have for sure thought it was going to end in the old lady cooking Danny's face on the skillet next to the ham sandwich or something absurd like that... and believe me, that's where half this board would've probably taken the story -- Prolly even myself. Only, I'd have had it be a turkey melt. Ham is so unoriginal when it's cooking next to someone's face.
I do agree there was little resolve here... Danny took the money, yeah? He's a thief... but then decides not to take any more of her money. I know he mowed the lawn, but we don't know if the lawn was worth 20, 40, 60 or 80 bucks. Just needs to be a bit more meat on the bone here. Otherwise, awesome short. Written well. Good message, although an unattended one. One we have to sort out a bit more than we should.
Before I make any comments, I would like you to know that I am only 14, so my experience of writing is quite limited.
I'm no formatting fanatic, so I have nothing to say there, but from what I can see, no problems there
I have to say (and remember I'm only 14) that I didn't really like the way this one ended. It felt like this story could have gotten somewhere. Just as I was getting into it, the story ended.
Overall, I think that this has been written quite well. Good job!
It's a nice read but feels undeveloped and in the end and I was wondering what it was all about?
We have a thief who can't be too bad as he didn't want to take her money at the end. You missed the opportunity for conflict here but I think you was trying to portray a story of a lonely old woman who is happy to overlook his stealing for a little company.
The writing's good on the whole, I agree with others about the scene numbering and camera directions. Also would have liked the opening slug to be more descriptive "Agnes house - living room" because I think this would have tied in better with the mini-slugs but that's a personal preference.
Sorry that it's taken me so long to respond, but I haven't been able to use my computer lately. While I can read comments on my cell phone, I can't post to the message board.
Anyway, Coop Bazinga nailed it with his remark. "You were trying to portray a story of a lonely old woman who is happy to overlook his stealing for a little company." That's exactly what I wanted and I think I got it.
As far as the production stuff, I just finished directing this yesterday for my final project. I'll upload the video in a few weeks, after I'm finished with the edit.
Right off the bat, your logline is screwy. An lonely old lady? Or… A lonely old lady?
As far as the story – it’s an interesting story of grace and forgiveness. I think this could be really good – but at this point it’s neither good nor bad for me. To me, it just seemed a little ‘blah’ – nothing special, though nothing bad, necessarily. A few little errors, but nothing spectacular.
The concept is a timeless concept. The dialogue was a little blasé, sometimes on the nose, the action writing was functional only.
Good luck to you in future re-writes.
NOTES: p. 1 – FADE IN: should be on the right side of the page.
As a writer you shouldn’t be directing camera shots, at least from EVERYTHING I’ve been told and read.
Why do you have scene numbers? Turn that off in your writing program. It’s annoying and un-needed.
I believe the correct way to indicate off-screen is (O.S.) not (O/S). I’ve never seen (O/S)
p.2 – “Are you okay in there” should have punctuation at the end of it. Preferably a question mark.
p. 3 – His nervous level increases. This is really awkward. Shouldn’t it be either “His nervousness increases” or “His level of nervousness increases”? All 3 are awkward and feel a bit on the nose. Why not say something like “His eyes immediately begin to shift back and forth.” Obviously that is not great – but it SHOWS us instead of tells us that he is nervous.
Thanks for the read. I filmed this myself for a film class, so the scene numbers were important. I've never, ever seen FADE IN on the right side of the page. It's always on the left, according to my award winning screenwriting instructor.
It being a shooting script gives me the right to include camera directions. The finished product turned out okay. I'm not a director, but I made a B-, so not bad.
While shooting, my actors improvised a new, better ending and we shot a completely new opening sequence.
I don't think I'll be rewriting this script, but thank you for reading. I've downloaded yours and I'll give it a read tonight.
My FD puts FADE IN: on the left and FADE OUT: on the right...
Then, yours is correct. I've always heard everyone who uses FD saying that they had to manually insert it on the left side, otherwise, it would show up right aligned.
Hey Austin, since I added some BS non script related posts here, I figured I owed you an actual read and feedback.
I read that you shot this yourself, thus the shooting script style, so I won't mention anything about that.
I think your writing is pretty good. You transition with Mini's well from room to room. Most can't seem to figure out how to effectively do this. There are a couple instances of awkward wording, involving Danny being bale to hear Agnes. Also, not that it makes a big difference, but if you cut out the useless word "and" and replace with a comma, I think you'll see it's cleaner and easier to read...and may just save you a line here or there.
Story-wise, it's rather troubling to me. Sad in a way, maybe just a sign of the times...not sure. I really didn't get the point of everything, to be honest. Danny's a little shit, a thief, ripping off the nice old lady who employs him. He feels guilty about it, but that doesn't excuse his actions. Does Agnes know he's doing this? Hard to say. If she does, she's an idiot as well, cause there's lots of other kids who can and will cut her grass for her.
It does hit a nerve though, so if that was your aim, you succeeded. Good job.
Thanks for the read. I've had a lot of different responses to the ending. I see it as a woman who well do whatever she has to do to have company. Since I had no budget, I couldn't establish that she was a widow and I didn't want to have random dialogue. These two characters know each other. Danny knows that she's a widow.
We improvised a slightly different ending. Same actions, with the exchange of money, but different dialogue. I think it's very clear that Agnes knows Danny took the money but him bring there is more important than the cash. She doesn't need it.
And I won't share the movie because it's awful. I am definitely not a director.
Outside that camera mention you open well here. You have two character who are at opposite ends of the convo, though small, still disagreement is more dramatic than agreement.
She has a clear desire to eat with Danny. Danny's character flaws is revealed when he takes the money, which is great for story, hmmm, I guess he doesn't have to learn his lesson, but often than not stories where the character does learn a lesson are better.
One possible plot problem could be why would he take the money before getting paid and then be surprised about getting paid. It must of been a plan along to get paid twice. But this story could be less about teen stealing than an old lady willing to pay anything for company. On that note it would of paid off to show her loneliness after he leaves.
He does attempt to not take the money. It would of been nice if he at least sat with her and ate.
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
I really enjoyed the read. It says alot. She knew he took the money, but insisted on paying him anyway. He felt guilty, and she knew it. I will draw my own conclusion. The kid will never still from Agnes again.
... and congratulations on getting Agnes filmed, I can't wait to see it.
"May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels Infest the Crotch of the Person Who Screws Up Your Day and May Their Arms Be Too Short to Scratch"
I saw this one pop up on the boards a couple months ago and the name intrigued me, (I love old-style names), but it disappeared down the 'porthole' before I got a chance to check it out and I forgot all about it until now.
Glad it popped back up again, because I did enjoy it. It's a nice, little simple story with a good message and a sad statement about old age. And excellent practice for when you're getting behind the camera.
Congratulations on getting it filmed (again) and I can't wait to see the final product.
I guess if I had one gripe, it would be that Danny comes off as one of America's Dumbest Criminals because he knew she would have to go through her purse to give him money for mowing the lawn, so why take the chance on him definately getting caught? I think you could get away with him just stealing the pearl necklace or the ring, and have her notice it's gone. The money in the purse is just a little too blatant.
But nonetheless, you've told a good little story here.
Quoted from Baltis
If I didn't look at who wrote it, I'd have for sure thought it was going to end in the old lady cooking Danny's face on the skillet next to the ham sandwich or something absurd like that... and believe me, that's where half this board would've probably taken the story -- Prolly even myself.
Yeah, I have to admit, I would've taken the low route and made this into a revenge story myself. Probably shoving his hands into the lawnmower blades and making him eat his finger sandwiches or something like that. Besides, doesn't the name 'Agnes' just sound like it should brood evil? :-)
Congrats on taking the high road and still giving it something sad and honest to say.
There are a few more photos of the crew, but I like these two of Agnes. The original Danny bailed (he was "sick") so they went with this other kid who's never acted before. The Director said he was good, though.
I can't wait to see the finished film! It's already being edited and I should have something in the next few days.
They filmed in the woman's home and I really like what I see.
He took one of my scripts and filmed it. 'Girl(s)' in my sig. (Just e-mailed me a week or two ago to let me know it's playing at a festival in Los Angeles November 9-11.)
He's one of only two directors I've worked with who actually keeps the writer up to date about everything.
They did a nice job making the video. I thought the old lady was good and the kid did well acting for the first time. All around very exciting for you and best of luck with future scripts. - Dirk
Thanks guys! Sounds like this director has a somewhat good reputation in the festival circuit, and he's said that AGNES is a departure from his usual work. I'm excited to see what'll happen.
I thought he could've cut out a few of the early shots and introduced Agnes earlier.
After watching it a few times, I miss the exchange at the end. In my original script, Agnes tells Danny that she'll look forward to seeing him again, knowing full well that he stole, and may steal, again.
I'm very proud of it though. Nothing against my other two produced scripts, but this one is my favorite. And it's so much better than mine!
Congrats on getting this one filmed Austin. Quite liked this.
Thought the cinematography was great!
Going to echo what others have said about the opening, though. If these were opening credits rather than just a couple of still-shots, it would have made a lot more sense, IMO.
The music was great! Suited the story well, but the film seemed to be more about the music than the actual story at hand. It was like the director has gone out of his way to get the music out there... It's louder than the dialogue itself, which doesn't ring right with me. JMHO.
Otherwise, this is great. The idea of a lonely woman who pays Danny despite the fact she knows he has taken something... Interesting to say the least.
I have to agree with Pia and Breanne about the time on certain shots.
I wasn't sure if the kid had taken the money or not until I read the posts here.
It would have been a nice addition if the woman were to say something like: Please let me feed you. It's not often that I have company... or something like that.
It would have been nice to see the kid squirm and maybe leave the money on the table that he had taken from her purse after realizing that he was wrong.
Cindy
Award winning screenwriter Available screenplays TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Hey Austin, since the discussion turned to the film, I'll comment on that, then the script.
First off: Congrats on getting it shot and made.
I realize it's a school project, which is why, to me it feels like one.
I believe I get why the various long opening shots of the house. To create an empty, lonely atmosphere.... However this takes up almost 2 minutes of a 8 min short, it felt like we needed credits here. Imagine writing two full pages of this in your script. It's kinda the same thing. I'm all for slow pacing in editing, but it needs to build up to something.
I get the first title card, the title of the film. But the second title card wasn't needed, it adds unnecessary time to the film.
I love the music, the short has a silent film air about it, but then we are visually denied key elements, like taking the money. Both times.
The actors were not strong enough to relate all that you wanted to say through performance and facial expression alone.
I felt if I hadn't read your script first I would not know what is going on.
The very little dialogue that made the final cut, I had a hard time hearing and understanding. even with my headphones.
Also there was a pan on the stairs, it really bothered me that it starts to pan then cuts abruptly midway. Why? I'm thinking it was going to pan to something but the shot was too long and was cut maybe?
--- okay, so these are my issues with the film adaptation of your script ---
It's great you got it made, I hope you had a chance to be apart of the filming process, its a great experience, especially on small films.
I feel I'm being negative here, and I don't like that, so what I liked about the film:
Good music, great location, casting of older woman was good, she has a great presence in the last shot. I Actually like the last shot all together. The old house the cats Agnes going back into her lonely home. I cant tell from the shot but I'm assuming the lawn is well manicured. The low angle camera shot of Danny and Agnes holding out the money.
But again I did not think your script's main and key elements translated into the current cut I just watched. It had a depressing mood yes, but I think it missed the desperation of the old woman and the guilty conscious of the kid. Therefor I kinda liked your script more, because I got more from it.
I don't know how much you were involved with filming process, and since the director is not on here, I think I've said enough about the film.
The script it self: I assumed it was a shooting script, so I didn't care about the scene numbers. I like the story, but I think it could have gone a little further, a little deeper. I would like to have seen Danny get something more from Agnes, other than just an extra 40 bucks. Agnes gets his company but It would be nice if the boy gets something deeper, a nugget of wisdom, an insight to the meaning of life. I suppose he learns, stealing kinda make you feel bad, but really in the end he gets away with it. "Okay as long as I show up I can abuse her by stealing money from her" I mean the kid better have some witty banter and charm in his personality arsenal to let her turn a blind eye I have a feeling you were going for a more positive ending but its only partially positive and so falls a little flat.
All that being said, I like your script, I think the film could have done it better justice.
But get more made brother, get your idea's out there on the silver screen
I wasn't involved in the shooting process at all. I agree that the opening shots are too long and they should've left the lines at the end. The second title card is unnecessary and the music is too loud.
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Agnes - Filmed!
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I have a feeling you were going for a more positive ending but its only partially positive and so falls a little flat. 
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