Hey, Cage

Just in the opening scene I can already say watch out for your grammar, which can hinder the ease of reading a piece. “…Wedding ring on the fingers”

Also, show don’t tell, you direct in the narrative which can pull the reader out of the story/drama your suppose to putting them into.“… Cut to a shot…” “…We punch out wider to see”

Now, the dialogue reads well, your characters are well represented in their dialogue. Meaning they stay consistent. You offer a little drama with a mini argument. I could feel them beginning panic. You escalate the drama with suspense first they are lost, lost in woods, the car dies or does it, then the strange man, the knife all builds suspense.

I’m not sure what happening by the stories in but I like it. He appears to be in a dream state, or experiencing some deep realization about his life or actions. Just read your explanation of what’s going on. Interesting stuff. I thought that Michael had murdered both his child and his wife. And I see that you had planned to direct which they say it’s ok to put in camera shots, but I will say that you should keep that draft for yourself, and post the readers version so they can immerse in the story.


Nice read though, enjoyed it.


BLB