Hey Javier

I wasn't able to finish this one, sorry. Nothing personal, just after 7 pages I found that the story just wasn't my thing. I think with a bit of a fix up, this one will be loved by many readers on this site.

When I read your logline the first thing I thought was "It's a bit weak. Doesn't tell me anything about your story." Your logline outlines the theme of your story, but doesn't tell me what it's about.

No 'FADE IN:'

Given that english isn't your first language, I think that you wrote quite well. I wont comment on any of your grammatical issues because of that.

Page 2: "And to our horror..." - I try to avoid including what I intend the audience to feel. Just describe what's going on and move on.

Page 3: "Tears of fear running down his cheeks." - Hang on... His eyes are sewn shut... Surely he wont be able to cry.

"Derek is confused. What the f**k is he talking about?" - Two things here. Never swear in your writing unless it's dialogue. Secondly I don't know what he's talking about! Why ask me the question in the first place!?

You have Derek talking at the bottom of page three. Is that meant to be Joseph?

Page %: "Is he really talking to someone?" - Again, I don't know. Try to stay away from rhetorical questions.

Sorry I couldn't get through this one. Send me a pm if you have any other questions. I'm more than willing to help in any way I can.

Daniel

Hey, thanks for taking the time. I didn't place a logline for this script. It is the premise of the story but I will post a logline soon. The premise and the logline are two different things. I'm rewriting the script right now for the grammatical errors and revising the action sequence.

I like the use of question in a script. I think they work well in some situations but I will give a check on that.

As for the tears, his eyes are sewn, But that doesn't prevent that the tears flows through his eyes. They are not stuck with glue or something.

I will post a rewrite soon. and thanks again for your time

Hey I checked the Derek line that you said. And yes, it is suppose to be Joseph. Thanks!

Hope I didn't come across as rude. I read over my comments and I know if that were someone on one of my threads, I would've been slightly offended. That wasn't my intention at all.

I was not not offended at all. I submitted the script here to listen for suggestions and to learn from all of you. I'm just a newbie as some of you in this site. I just started to study screenplay months ago, in a screenplay Lab. So I came here to learn from everyone. If you tell me Sicoll007 was a little bit rude but I didn't care and I take his advice an began the rewriting yesterday. And I like the way the action is starting to flow.

I will read one of your script soon. and I let you know my insight. And really, I'm grateful and reconsidering your suggestion.

Hey Javier,

Thanks for commenting on Lie Detector.
I opened this one up.
And found the same issues that others have.

You do a pretty good job with the English.
But it does read stiff. Still a good effort for a second language though.

There are format issues. Excessive bolding and underlined slugs.
But I do believe you should keep at it.
You have a pretty good vision in your head.

Contact Federico through Burning Phoenix Films.
Tell him that Brett said you should say hello.
I think you two can help each other.
He's one of the most active filmmakers in Puerto Rico right now.
And he's always on the lookout for great shorts.

Best of luck!

Regards,
E.D.

The log line: Two man in search of relief for their disturbed minds. They soon realize that there's just one way to get that peace they seek.

Thhe new link for the script:

http://www.mediafire.com/?4xx31uu33kt2072