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Serial Killer by Alex Sarris - Short, Comedy - A serial killer wanders through an unlocked door to take out his evil revenge on an unsuspecting victim in an ending that you will never forget. 2 pages - pdf, format
The "ending I will never forget" might be more humorous if the title did not completely spoil it.
And for only two pages, this script is also stuffed with unnecessary details that slow the read way, way down. This could easily be trimmed to a single page if done right.
I have a few more comments for this one should the author chime in to say hello.
I think this is a clear example of a writer taking his first shot at writing a script. It might even be the first draft of a first script.
So, lets be nice.
To the writer, here's some brief observations (if you're around).
The first page - the little girl, the electrician, the painter, the gardeners and the small Honda.
You don't need any of these. You could literally have the man walk up the path to the house, for what it's worth.
I 'get' the attempt at humour (I think) with regards to the title of the script and the final scene, but...it's not enough, even for a two pager (which could essentially be a one pager if the needless detail was cut). It's not clever enough to be a sketch, unfortunately.
Also - unless we inhabit the world of 'Repo Man' (awesome movie from the 80's) a box of cereal generally doesn't just say 'Breakfast Cereal' on it. You could make up your own brand name to avoid any copywrite issues.
There is some good stuff I here but a lot of fat too. Your opening sequence is way to long considering what it is you are trying to say.
You need to make sure you CAPITALIZE you main characters when introducing them for the first time. That’s is important.
You tend to use passive verbiage a lot too. When describing action in your script, it’s good to lose the “ing” in your action.
The first sentence is a good example. A well dressed man is walking…
Should read as a well dressed man walks.
You don’t want your action to sound continuous rather something that happens and is done. You might want to make your characters more personal as well. Instead of schoolgirl, perhaps give her a name. That way, we become more invested in her.
You have to watch the un-filmable’s too. When you say something in your action like, CK says nothing as she passes by. Basically what you are saying is nothing. That is like saying the wind showed itself. You might be describing something but can you show it on screen? If not, don’t put it in your script.
Also, let’s work on being somewhat more creative with the action line as a whole. Take the time to decide how you want them to begin. The reason I say this is because in your action lines, you use “He” 15 times in a row to begin those sentences. After a while, it sounds like instructions, not action.
Bert’s right, this can either be trimmed down to a page, or take the time to fatten it up and developed into a story. As it stands, you are telling a story but in the end, you lose the readers interest.
I hope the writer chimes in. We all have to start somewhere. And here is where I started and have grown..and need to uh grow a lot more. We all start somewhere and you can't really be a writer unless you ...write.
One piece of advice, and this it to myself as much as you, read. Read scripts... all you can stand to read...
For the writer...I'm in the same boat...learning...I still have an overwriting habit I'm trying to break. Anyway, keep writing..look forward to reading some more of your work.
I have to say, I have learnt more about scriptwriting finesse here, than anywhere else; by reading other people's scripts and reading constructive feedback (the key being constructive). Harsh words like those of SiColl do nothing to help build a writing community.
Whilst this script is fledgling at best, we all had to start somewhere. He some ACTUAL constructive feedback:
You need to read a few of the better written scripts around here; I like the shorts section, because I am time poor and want to learn technique. A quick read of thd first few responses will tell you if the structure and technique used are 'good'. Also read the Academy's script writing guide (you'll find links through a search of this site or Google for it). Your structure is bad, but it is a little out of whack in places. The story isn't particularly good; but we all need to develop a comfort zone before we can break out of it. An artist doesn't pick up a brush and simply start painting masterpieces...
You've got a good handle on structure; develop that and play around more with story ideas. You have built up some good visuals in your action lines; but you need to tighten them(you'll get some advice on this by reading responses to the work of other people here). Keep at it; and don't get caught up in the occasional negativity.
No writer improves his craft, or anyone else's, by beating up the less capable...
Meh, this could've been better. I like how you set up the shower scene, very Psycho-esque.
I think the box of cereal should have an expiration date which he checks. When he sees that it's out of date, he kills it.
It's all set-up for one quick laugh. I think most people would roll their eyes if they saw this on film. I would cut it down to one page. Feels more befitting of a commercial. To sell what? I have no clue...
Let me start by saying it will be nice to have someone else from W.A on the boards, I live south of the river myself.
The logline drew me in with “an ending that you will never forget” I wouldn’t go that far but it certainly gave me a chuckle. Other than that, there was nothing here. It was basically all set up for that scene which is fine of course, that’s what it was meant to be.
However, the writing does need some work and I’ll be happy to elaborate if you’re around…hope so?
Sorry for taking so long to respond though I just realized my script had been posted.
I really appreciate all your responses and have read through them and found some great points. I will go through these tomorrow and edit/redo parts of the script.
I am new to this and wrote a few short simply to gain some experience and knowledge and the responses are certainly helping.
This script was meant as a bit of fun and I never took it to serious though will redo it to incorporate the comments posted. I am waiting for another script to be posted that I have put a significant amount of more effort writing and I am looking forward to all your thoughts with that as well.
Once again thanks All and looking forward to getting to know you all in the future
Sorry for taking so long to respond though I just realized my script had been posted.
I really appreciate all your responses and have read through them and found some great points. I will go through these tomorrow and edit/redo parts of the script.
I am new to this and wrote a few short simply to gain some experience and knowledge and the responses are certainly helping.
This script was meant as a bit of fun and I never took it to serious though will redo it to incorporate the comments posted. I am waiting for another script to be posted that I have put a significant amount of more effort writing and I am looking forward to all your thoughts with that as well.
Once again thanks All and looking forward to getting to know you all in the future
Regards Alex
Welcome to SS!!
Hope you learn many new things on this site. I think it's awesome!
Hey, I'm a little late to the party here, but I have to agree with the majority of the previous posts. I know I probably sound like a broken record, but even though this is just a 2 page sample with a ton of problems, it still shows a lot of promise.
There's an abundance of description and the story isn't focused, but I can definitely see your potential as a storyteller if you continue to keep at it. For now I'd just try to tell a simple story and slowly mix in the weirder elements as you go. Maybe if you wrote a detailed outline before it could help make the story more cohesive? Good luck and keep plugging along! Nate
New comedy short, "CRIME SCENE REENACTMENTS." The only TV show that lets actual crime victims reenact the worst moments of their lives for your viewing pleasure.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t smile at the last line even though its rather lame and I suspected as much from the title.
Not much more to be said except the writing is overly descriptive and laborious. This skit could’ve been wrapped up in a page without all the superfluous details of him walking here and there.
Not a whole lot to add that hasnt been said. You are very heavy with the description. Make sure what you decide to emphasize has something to do with the story being told. I thought some of the description about creeping into the house was okay. I also didnt know why you gave away the twist in the title. Anyway, welcome to SS and hopefully some of the reviews will help out.
"Why don't we just...wait here for a little while...see what happens?"
I fully understand. I often kill 3 - 4 boxes a week m'self!
Funny little story. The set up with all the people doing odd little jobs on the street reminded me of how Alfered Hitchcock would set things up. All those potential witnesses.
The little girl being thrown in as a possible target.
thought I'd give this a look since the re-write. Not much to add in terms of the concept, it's a one joke shot with mixed appeal.
In terms of the writing it seems you've worked to cut out some of the superfluous stuff. I recall there being a longer intro in the original, so you're on the right track. Still a few bits here and there you might want to consider:
INT. - HOUSE - LAUNDRY - MORNING
A pile of dirty washing lines the floor. The noise from the washing machine can be heard.
He Pushes a door open to reveal a vacant toilet and breathes a sigh of relief.
Could try:
INT. HOUSE - LAUNDRY - MORNING
RUMBLE of a WASHING MACHINE.
CK pauses by a door. Tenses as he opens it , empty. He relaxes.
Or something like that.
You could argue this whole quick scene could go, skipping straight to the HOUSE - PASSAGE scene. It really gives us nothing relevant to the story, could even combine the two.
Naming the schoolgirl Sienna: Maybe a personal thing for me, but I'd probably just leave it at Schoolgirl seeing as it's a short and she's only one line. Probably not a biggie though.
Don't think FADE OUT/FADE IN halfway through the script are necessary. Could cut straight from the shower to the knife with more impact. The timing of the FADES would look odd?
'He lift the bread knife' -- should be 'He lifts the bread knife' there's a few words missing plurals here, maybe read it aloud to yourself a few times to catch them.
I think you've mentioned this is your first script. Still working these things out myself so don't feel this is a negative view, just keep reading other works and getting your own stuff out there.
Steve.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Glad to see it's a lot shorter and cleaner than the original read.
I also liked that you kept the "stabbing multiple times with a vengeance" line. That won't translate onto screen exactly, but it made me laugh.
Overall, it's better, but the concept itself is just too well known of a joke. There's not too much you can do with a single joke that's been dragged out to death, unless you flip it on its side: like if the murderer killed people USING cereal.
Anyways, good improvements. A few spelling mistakes.
As mentioned it was the first script i completed and the other few shorts followed it.
I am learning quickly, and feel all the comments are constructive and i dont take anything to heart. You can only improve by listening to those who are the experts and I have learnt so much from all you guys in such a short time.
Asteroidjuice, i looked up Cereal Killer on youtube and there are many references to it though nothing similar where someone kills a box of cereal !! I have also written a much shorter version as a television commercial.
As mentioned it was the first script i completed and the other few shorts followed it.
I am learning quickly, and feel all the comments are constructive and i dont take anything to heart. You can only improve by listening to those who are the experts and I have learnt so much from all you guys in such a short time.
Asteroidjuice, i looked up Cereal Killer on youtube and there are many references to it though nothing similar where someone kills a box of cereal !! I have also written a much shorter version as a television commercial.
I'll start off by agreeing with most everyone else in stating that the title (as well as the logline) made predicting the ending a simple chore. I was actually reading this, waiting for CK to stomp on a cereal box or something.
The actual script wasn't badly written. Though it did feel stretched out at places, I wouldn't necessarily say you're a bad written. Maybe just inexperience, as am I.
One thing that struck me as odd was the continual use of quotation marks around CK's name in the action. I don't know if it's official formatting protocol but I've never seen that before and it stood out in a sore thumb sort of way.
Signatures can be annoying, especially when they're pointless.
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
You seem to have done alright with your formatting...something im still working on. good job,but yes,cut back a bit on the detail and youll be looking good.
I thought i would bring this to the top again to show you the final Cut of "Serial Killer"
I have passed my thoughts onto the producer and feel some parts do need a little work though it was made on a budget of next to nil so I cant expect too much.
Alex I thought this was well written with the action, I could see that you wanted to build up the tension. But this one could have been a bit shorter, I did like the ending, just wish it got there sooner.
I don't get the story. Why would he stab a cereal box that's expired; I get that it imitates psycho but the cereal box? I don't get it. In Psycho, does the guy say "it's expired" somewhere in the movie? Because then it makes sense. Keep writing!
Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.
Oh!!! Serial Killer! I get it now. It all makes sense now, but still you need bring more attention to the title because I got the joke a day after I read it.
Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.
Oh!!! Serial Killer! I get it now. It all makes sense now, but still you need bring more attention to the title because I got the joke a day after I read it.
Hey Chris,
Glad you got it in the end. The screenplay was originally titled Cereal Killer, though I had so many complaints that it gave the ending away so it was changed to Serial Killer.
The thread is titled Serial Killer, the title page has Serial Killer on it and apart from putting Cereal Killer on his forehead there wasn't much that could be done.
Every person that has read It and watched the video, clicked straight away, so I think it works as it is. Sorry.