Hello, Simon.

You've been busy. Two scripts in two days--impressive!

I had an issue with the writing style. In Cat the incomplete or abruptly ended sentences built tension. Here they are just annoying, a real distraction.

Reading the name "Rash" just brought "the irritation of skin" to mind or an Eighties punk rocker, but not a guy who makes 'rash' decisions. This kid should be named "Bad" because he makes god-awful decisions. By the way, the name "Rash" is never spoken in the dialog.

Overall, this is a good story, even if it is underwritten. Two to four more pages of story possibly conveying Rash's guilt over what he did to Billy and possibly conveying the sense of relief he may feel not having to take care of Billy anymore would give the story more emotion and profundity. Also, I would have liked to have seen Billy working around Dog's place. Maybe even show Dog bestowing some avuncular affection upon Billy. Nothing too saccharine, but just enough to  make the reader feel it's sincere but that it could also be mockery. Of course, you may have written this ambiguously on purpose. If that's the case please forgive me for telling you how to write your story.

Best regards,
rmaze.

rmaze - thanks for the read, I appreciate you taking your time out.

I'd agree that the style here should be a little slower - a little more thoughtful. I think the script would have worked better for it - you're spot-on with that one. Accepting the mistakes of the other other script, it's a style more suited to it.

I like the idea of showing Dog's relationship with Billy - this would challenge Dog's attitude and give some character arc that I think would be unexpected.

Cheers for the read - you've made some really good points.

Hey Simon.

Good to see new content from SS vets.
Glad to crack this one open and see what's inside...

P. 1
This line confused me...
he taps his fingers like he’s praying.

Does that mean he's touching his fingertips together as if in prayer?

P. 7
Did Rash just abandon Billy?
Or is there a plan here?
This scene could use some narrative clarification.

P. 8
Dog and Rash's back and froth is the best reading part of the script so far.
The pages are so sparse and unusually punctuated, it's a bit of a slow read for me.

Just when it was getting interested, it ended.
I liked the dilemma of Rash coping with using his brother that way.
That part of the story could be expanded upon.
Consequences. Characters Against Type. Conflict. That's the good stuff!

Regards,
E.D.

Simon

Similar to Cat, this left me confused with a couple of questions.

Again I appreciate your minimal style, with some tweaks and honing it could become a very effective and economical style but unfortunately the dialogue is even more cryptic and truncated than Cat, giving very little away to the point of not making much sense sometimes.

What I grasp is that Rash is looking after his mentally retarded brother Billy. Money is tight, Billy is blissfully ignorant as his weight plummets and the local Asian shop keepers won’t show them any sympathy. Rash goes to some loan shark or just a shifty character called Dog who gives him money at 50 percent interest (rather high but anyway) Then Rash appears to spend all the money in very  short space of time on food yet he still gets turned away by the Asians. Is this because they don’t trust Billy in the shop or what?

He sends Billy to Dog to play on his sympathy as the loan agreement has gone sour (Rash comes across as a complete idiot here) Dog holds on to Billy (to do what, outside of cleaning, I fear to even contemplate!) and as punishment for trying to pull such a trick. Rash is left with the guilt and shame of his actions and that’s really it…at least from what I can surmise. Are we to take Dog’s side for taking Billy away from such an irresponsible guardian? Thematically this has a backbone thus potential, narrative-wise however, it’s uneven and murky.

Can you help me out here?

Regards

Col.

HI ED - sorry, didn't see you'd replied to this - thanks for the pointers.

Like the 'Cat' script, I've updated this one to iron out some of the errors, but not posted an updated yet.

Your p1. - yes.

Yup - and I agree that expansion (with an improved writing style could improve this one).

Thanks for the read!

Hi Col - thanks for the read - I agree this needs a different style than 'Cat'.

The principle story is that Rash can't cope with Billy - the shopowners are reluctantly giving him produce, but he is building up a bill with them.

When Rash lends the money, he thinks on it, but realise he can't afford to pay it back - but Dog still wants the interest:
p5 Dog: 'You can give it back, but the rate applies.'

As Rash can't afford to pay the money back, in an act of cowardice he send Billy, and Dog decised to keep Billy on the basis that Rash can't and isn't taking proper care of him.

There is meant to be an element of ambiguity to it - Dog is probably very capable of taking care of Billy, and Rash clearly isn't.

I agree re-reading it now (6 months later) that some of the dialogue is quite criptic - but I think most of it there -- it's not all laid out obvious.

Thanks for the read none-the-less - appreciated.

Quoted from Forgive When Rash lends the money, he thinks on it, but realise he can't afford to pay it back - but Dog still wants the interest: p5 Dog: 'You can give it back, but the rate applies.'

- I stand corrected on this point, it does make more sense now.

Like I said, this has some strong themes running through it to make a decent script.

Best of luck with it.

Hey Simon,

I think the basic premise of this story is quite effective. Unfortunately, I feel like you could write a summary for it and it'd still about cover all the substance that comes out of the script itself. That is, not much.

I think this essentially boils down to your writing style, which, between this and Cat, I've seen referred to as "staccato" style. On a purely visual basis, it leaves much to be desired. I had an extremely difficult time visualizing much of anything in the script. This is probably the quickest way to disengage your reader and indeed, I didn't feel all that engaged at all. On an emotional level, I think this style sucks the life out of the story.

The bath scene would be a prime example of this. You get the point across, sure. But that's it. I got no sense of how Rash feels about his relationship with Billy? Is he utterly content with this routine of caring for his brother? Is it a breeze for him or is everyday a struggle? Does it wear him out? Does he ever resent his brother for what he's required to do or does his love give him the strength to carry on? If this is all easy for Rash, do he and his brother ever enjoy their time together or is it indeed routine? Dull, cyclic?

I suppose I may be unloading a lot on you but I feel like there's many a simple thing you can do to communicate this kind of nuance, even just a laugh or a sigh from the right character. But the rapid-fire nature of the writing style makes it feel like you're simply crossing things off a checklist.

The scenes with Dog are equally devoid of nuance. I really wanted to get a sense of what kind of guy this is. At the end of the day though, all you have to go on is an accent. An accent that took me a moment to get the hang of, btw. Otherwise, he couldn't come off as a gangster or a bank official just as easily either way.

I'm not saying you need to change up your writing style entirely. I've seen this style work before. If you can establish a flow to your writing that is benefited by a more quick-burst style, I'd stick with it. But it shouldn't be at the expense of the elements that make your script resonate, which is most certainly the case at this point.

I've skimmed the comments here and see this has been brought up many a time. I'm sorry to be repeating what's already been said but I do feel that it needs to be driven home as surprisingly, I don't come across many scripts that are done in by the writing style alone. There's definitely some work that needs to be done here though again, I don't think you need to start from scratch, so to speak.

Also, I think this story could go on a little longer. If you can spruce up what you've got thus far, first and foremost, I'd consider seeing where this little yarn goes.

Finally, your logline's a little dull. I read this script yesterday and the only reason I opted to do so was that it was at the top of the portal. It's a simple story but that doesn't mean your description couldn't pop a little more.

Hope this helps.

Hi Simon,

First, I haven't gone through all the comments, so sorry if any of this repeats.

I liked the script, I felt for the brother. I would say though, that it was so "tight" in its read that I felt I was getting whiplash, I had to go back just to see if I missed something, but then again maybe it was just me. However, I felt it could use a bit more detail to really pull me into the world.

Perhaps I was a little lost as to why Dog would want to take care of someone like Billy, did I miss something about their relationship that would explain this? If i did, I blame it on the whiplash ...

I both like and dislike the way it ended, and not because it ended bad, but because I wanted to see Rash get his brother back, so I felt cheated a bit, but the fact I felt this about the character makes me think," there is something to this script" and that's good. You set up a great premise, I guess I would love to have seen it resolved a bit more... but that's always the frustrating part of a cliffhanger, which is how I found the ending to be.

Here's a "nod" to you, for a good script. I look forward to reading more.

Cheers.

@James - thanks for the read. Yeah, this is a bit of an old script now - the staccato-esque 'style' is something that I've cut out/back on in my writing unless needed. I think that whole thing was part of the process of getting the style right.

In regard to the visuals, I don't think that is a function of the writing style - I now write in more visual aspects - (albeit non-staccato), but I take a little more care to specify visual factors.

Some people have different point of views when it comes to some of the things you have referred to. Rash, for example - I didn't think it was so necessary to explain so explicity the nature of the relationship with Billy, as I think putting the pieces together, it was fairly clear. Some people prefer less oblique techniques, other not. I guess it's a matter of taste.

Having said that, I agree with your point on nuance - but as I'm sure you know, that is a tricky balance - especially when it comes to dictating how the character should be portrayed - there has be to space for interpretation. It's interesting, I was reading a script here just yesterday (a Rambo re-work), and compared it with one of the originals - in the original, no-where did it say "Rambo's this peed off guy with unresolved issues", but it was in the subtext, which you'd have to derive if you were to portray the character. And I certainly don't feel all portrayals are spot on ...

Anyway, this has had a bit of a re-write, but I've not uploaded it yet - but it could probably do with another look. Seeing as it's getting attention all of a sudden I best figure out how to re-load it.

Thanks for the read - you've made a lot of very pertinent points. Cheers.

@KAlbers - Hi thanks for the read - I checked your website and see that you have one up here - I'll give a read this evening.

Yeah, my writing has loosened up some since I wrote this - it was all part of the learning curve. I've a script up on Talentville (Take The Boy), should you wish to compare.

Dog taking care of Billy will always be to some people a little bit of a leap of faith, some okaying it other not. Dog has a couple of motivations - initially the money (he could hold Billy until Rash pays - Dog: "Holding on to him f’ now.") but Dog believes Rash is not capable of looking after Billy and Dog is affronted by what Rash has done (Dog: "I wouldn’t treat a dog like you treat him."), and Dog clearly has the resources (he has a driver). But either you go for this or you don't (can't keep everyone happy ...).

Cheers for the read, though - and I'll do the return.

Hey Simon

I didn't read any other feedback, so sorry if I repeat anything.

It was a nice short and very quick read, with minimal characters and locations it would we easy to shoot.

Unless it's a nickname "Rash" doesn't seem appropriate, as his brother has a straightforward name "Billy"

I liked the whole "brother looking after younger brother" theme and it played out well, there were a few little nitpicks, but not enough to distract from the main core of the story.

I liked the twist at the end, Dog taking his brother as payment... out of the frying pan into the fire... springs to mind, although he is probably better off... does anybody know the number for social services????



Page 3

Rash screw(s) it up

Page 6  "to (a) first floor office’.

Overall good job Simon
Mark

Mark

Quoted Text (can't keep everyone happy ...).

Truer words have never been spoken....

Quoted Text Dog taking care of Billy will always be to some people a little bit of a leap of faith, some okaying it other not.

I can take the leap of faith, but I can also see how the story can be expanded to make it that much better.

I do see this one has been around awhile, do you have any newer scripts I could check out?

Cheers, Kev.

@Irish Eyes - Rash will be re-named - promise. I can take (a heap of) hints  

@KAlbers - only on TV at the moment - but if you're on that site you can check it out.

Simon,

I gave this a read when I saw all the other positive reviews and I won't try to repeat what other have said.  I do like your writing style--it has a kind of The Usual Suspects type of short, clippy staccato style to it.  Others may not care for that, and that's fine--everyone has their own taste for what they like and don't like.

I'm sure you're UK based on a lot of the dialogue and action, and that makes it difficult sometimes for U.S. readers to follow (e.g., the weighting scale reading eight stone, and a bedsit-what is that? Is that a bedroom?), but you may have a specific target audience in mind.

I will say that one thing you do that is a little distracting to the reader is the constant use of contractions ("Rash’s looking frantic,"  "Dog’s looking pissed," "Owner’s pushing Billy out,").  Again, that may be solely a British thing, but it means you're also constantly switching from the passive to the active and back to the passive throughout your action lines.  I would try to stay consistent and stay away from -ING ending verbs, so that it's "Rash looks frantic,"  "Dog looks pissed," etc.  Makes for a much better (and easier) read for us.

I agree with some of the others that there probably ought to be some backstory or added material to explain why Dog would want to take Billy on, especially given his condition.  I mean, does it makes financial sense to take him on as opposed to taking back Rash's money (even without the interest)?  Surely there would need to be more of an underlying reason for his actions.

Otherwise, I think this is a pretty good piece.  Good job!

Gary