Hi Maz,

Not sure if I read anything of yours before.

At first glance, your script looks very dense on the page. Have you cheeted your margins perhaps?

Some of the action description could be parred back too, as not every detail is essentail to get set the scene.

I understand the 'race' reference on PG 1, but perhaps run is a more fitting verb.

As this is a hommage to street racing, I'm surprised you didn't involve images of the trainers a little more and parallel these with cars? It would add to the tone of this piece.

Page 4: Some people wouldn't understand this reference 'MJ and Miriam and eat their tea from their laps'.

There a HUGE amount of description linked to how the interior of the house looks. Most of it doesn't really advance the story, save for the reference to MJ's dad in the photo. I think if you cut most of this and focused on the relationship between the boys and MJ and MJ's home life, it would make this a more compelling read.

Being a little pedentaic here, but if the alarm clock time is in 24hr/military time, the am wouldn't be at the end?

Some of these scenes need to begin later and end sooner.

The conflict between MJ and Devereaux resolved itself too easily - as this was 'boy racers' the one thing I was waiting for was for this to result in an out and out race, where MJ beats Devereaux, fairly - and thats when the two becomes friends. There is also a moral lesson that can be shown here. Devereaux learns from this lesson  and perhaps his over bearing father does too.

I think this is the angle you need to work.

Kind regards,

Eoin