DV44 and Mr. Ripley, thanks for the read and the feedback

@LC - thank you for the read, and the notes. I do have a problem with grammar and spelling, I wish I didn't, but my mind doesn't seem to work that way, hopefully the more I write the better I'll get, so thank you for pointing out these mistakes. I have corrected the ones you pointed out that were quick fixes, but I will have to go through the script again when I get more time to see about dealing with all the bigger issues brought up by everyone.

Quoted from LC Re the ovarian cancer, I'm no expert, but the coughing of blood etc sounds more like lung cancer. I'd keep it at a generic cancer and just have Dan reading a book on cancer treatments.

Originally I went into more explanation that Dan being outside of the house allowed for the mother's ovarian cancer to spread, as he is away from her it comes in a more rapid pace, which is why she coughs up blood, but this was adding pages and I thought to cut it. But yes changing the book to a generic medical book on cancer would work.

As far as a feature, I just don't see one with this, not yet anyways. Perhaps a 22min Twilight Zone like episode, or maybe a 44 min X-File episode, but not a feature. I didn't see Chronicle, but from what I hear, the premise wasn't enough to hold its own as a feature. Neat idea, but that's it, perhaps that's what this is.

Quoted from LC I think if I were that young woman, regardless of the fact he gives her the speel and history of his 'ability' I'd also definitely want to see the 'party trick' performed in front of me, first, before I'd be willing to take a dive in that car... so that seemed a bit too far-fetched for me.

She has seen them do these stunts before, Luke mentions that she doesn't want to just be a spectator this time but be a part of the experience.

again, thank you all for your time and thoughts, you are helping me a great deal with my writing and I am grateful.

Cheers, Kev.

• Pg. 3.  How do you show a humid room?  Some particles hanging in the air might look like dust.  Showing a couple humidifiers in the room would help clear this up.
  
• Pg. 7.  "Dan is greeted by the group..." reads passive.  "The group greets Dan.." is active.
  
• Pg. 9.  "SORES" should be "SOARS"
  
• Pg. 9.  "SCREAM" should be "SCREAMS"
  
• Pg. 13.  "onto" should be "on to".
  
• Pg. 14.  When Dan asks, "Will I see you again?", instead of The Man answering Dan, just have him stare at Dan without giving him an answer.  It adds a bit of mystery.
  

This was a nice story and it was told well, but I wish there was more to it.  The ending left me wanting more.

Some of the dialogue felt stiff and unrealistic, which was only noticeable because some of the other dialogue was great.

Jordan

Hey Kev, just found this.  Gave it a read, after seeing all the glowing praise and my name thrown into a review somewhere.

So, it appears you're able to update this as comments come in.  That's great.  Even though a bunch of things others brought up are now corrected, this still reads rather awkwardly to me in a number of places.  It may just be little things, but they definitely affect the read.  Libby brings up a bunch of good points and there are others that follow along the same lines she's referring to.

I also agree with a few others that this is wildly overwritten at 15 pages, or maybe just that several scenes need to be cut way back.  You have a tendency to write lines that don't need to be written - very mundane, understood things, some times a line, some times a word or 2. But they all ad up quickly and IMO, this same story and plot could be written in less than 10 pages rather easily.

I'll also echo others about the dialogue not being good.  At times, it is OK and has a realistic feel to it, but the majority of the time, it rings very false, very on the nose, and just not good.  I always say that dialogue can go on as long as one wants it to, but the quality or enjoyment it affords is often based on what's going on in the scene...what's going on around the dialogue.  In this example, there's not much going on and it's the reason the dialogue feels like it goes on too long in different scenes.

Story-wise, I'm not on board like most seem to be.  I do see some Chronicle here, even some Unbreakable.  The stuff involving the unnamed man does not work for me and has been done to death in many different ways.  I do see a seed for an idea of a protector type, but IMO, it's not developed properly here and therefor doesn't work the way most seem to think it does.

Finally, character-wise no one works for me, sorry to say.  Generic and unbelievable is how I view these peeps, even the Mom.  The conversation between Dan and Sandy comes off as if neither even knows each other...or that they rarely if ever talk.

So, sorry, but this doesn't do much for me, as written.  I don't even like the fact that these kids steal cars and then trash them by jumping off a cliff.  If Dan is seriously invincible and can protect those around him, I can think of lots of cool scenarios that blow just driving off an 80 foot cliff away.

But, you know what?  The vast majority of your readers seem to rally dig this, so that's what really counts.  Good job!!

Hey Kev

Why are Megan and Mike not given an age when the characters are?

The 5 of them walk the path?  Were there 5 of them, I thought there was only 4 of them?

SPOILERS!!!

Well this was a great concept.  I can see why some say it resembles things like Chronicle but it's a good spin on it.  The whole idea of Dan not wanting to leave his mother so she won't die is good.

I'm with Jeff here that with his ability Dan doesn't do anything good with it.  I guess this would be a good opening to a feature were Dan realises his gift and uses it for better things but in its present form it was too long for the story.  Too much was Dan and his mother showing their love for each.  After all the story is basically the kids driving off a cliff to show that Dan and the people around him can't be harmed.

I did like the 'man' and his reasons for hanging around.

I'm kind of on the fence here.  I get why a lot of readers loved this but I also get why others were less impressed.  A really good idea but I was less excited by the outcome.

Good effort.

@ Nomad, Dreamscale and alffy - thank you for the read and the input I appreciate it a great deal.

Quoted from Dreamscale I can think of lots of cool scenarios that blow just driving off an 80 foot cliff away.

I'm sure you could brother, I have no doubts you could think up 180, but I thought driving a car off a cliff, Dukes of Hazard style, would be a cool little thing for a friends to do. I mean I would love to do that.

I updated the script to try and encompass all the comments, clearly I couldn't conform to all the ideas, but I tried to make the dialogue less chunky and a little more natural sounding. I think I managed to shave off 1 pg, I hope that helps.

Also I just wanted to say, this script is not a superhero story, and is not about Dan's power as a device to be a superhero. What it's about is a kid/teenager having to deal with death and accept it, his power makes it all the more harder, but in the end he comes to terms with his mother's death by actively allowing her to die. I can't speak for other people but I do think the people who enjoyed this script (apart from its glaring mistakes) got that sense. Now, I do realize this is not a genius script, but it's not trying to be Chronicle either.

Again thank you all for reading... what I like about this community is despite the differences in opinions, the comments and responses are nonetheless valuable, helpful, and thoughtful.  

Cheers
Kev.

Hey Kev,

without wanting to sound at all condescending, I just want to say you are a joy to give feedback to.

You take on board constructive criticism re formatting, grammar, dialogue and even story, and apply it accordingly, but are confident enough in your own original concept to not be swayed re essential story elements, as you see them, which I think is an admirable quality.

I know there are other regulars who are equally receptive, but just wanted to make a note of it here. It makes the discussion board a lot more fun when people are at least open to new ideas and suggestions.