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Kane's Darkest Hour by Josh J. (usaking) - Short, Comedy - After Bob Kane dies, it is up to his father to figure out the mystery of his last words. Rated NC-17 for strong sexual language and very intense sexual acts. 14 pages - pdf, format
It is hard to critique your stuff, Josh. Weird as ever, amusing in parts, inscrutable in others.
By way of feedback, you simply must do something else with those last six pages. They are sheer torture, nearly impossible to read.
The first couple of pages has its moments here and there, for those who can stomach the content, but that final, endless conversation is pretty poor, IMO. Not even sure what you are doing there.
Before I go on about the script, I do want to say that it is nice seeing you again. I'm sure other old members are still active on this site as well. I cannot wait to speak to them again. It's been way too long...
Anyway....
This script was written pretty fast, as you may or may not be able to tell. It was an idea I had and I wrote it down immediately after thinking of it. Perhaps it is a bit weird, but through the darkness of fog comes to conclusion of dusk. That's how I see it.
I do agree that those last six pages have a bit of a problem. On my first few read throughs, I thought they were very well done. Of course, after taking more time to re-read the script, those last pages do present a long error of annoyance. It is my fault for being so egotistical while writing this script. I will have to edit those last few pages and make them more proper.
Those six pages were done as a sort of humor-esque type of wordplay. Surely, one would think of things, such as the words used in those pages, to be funny. But alas, it can only be funny for so long. I should've noticed that beforehand, but again, I feel as if my ego took over me while re-reading the script the first couple of times.
I do thank you for your feedback, bert. You have not changed a bit. I am glad to know you are the same person I remember from years ago. I will see what I can do with this script to smother it with items of glory and happiness.
WTF did I just read!!! Wow! It's a nice little story for the whole family. lol
I agree with Bert, the last six pages the dialogue gets a little long and the story becomes a tad difficult to follow. You just need to go through the script again and comb out some of the misspelled words, trim the dialogue, and tighten up the action lines.
Welcome back. Just the other day, I was wondering what happend to you. Good to see you back, is been a longtime.
Well -- I must admit, as i have trumpeted a thousand time, I'm known for not having a sense of humor, but I did laugh, a lot, and I hate myself for doing so... as silly as it maybe. I commend you, you are the most unique writer I've ever come across... and it's sad becuase most will not understand your approach to the stories you try and tell, hell I'm not even sure if I do... no pun intended.
Other than the second half not living up to the first, this was one entertaining read. I think I said this before, you do have talent, for sure, hopefully you concentrate on writing something that people would pay tickets to see...
I must admit that when I saw Bert's post, I was intrigued as to what this script was all about. Now I've read it, I'm still none the wiser.
I'll hold my hands up and say that a smile did appear on my face when I started reading, but it slowly and surely disappeared the more I read. It just seemed like an exercise in 'let's try and get as much sexually explicit stuff in as we can get'.
I don't think I'll ever be able to look at Burt Ward and Adam West in the same light again now.
To me, this was the Django Unchained version of Batman. Let's see how many times we can say the word "cock" in the span of 12 pages. You probably set the world record. Beyond that, it was like watching the old Batman TV series on WAY too much acid, and not the good kind of acid.
But hey, I will say this was the most unique script I've ever read on here. Certainly different to be sure!
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
I can only say that, after reading this piece of shit, I will never read anything else of yours Josh. The only reason why I didn't put it down after the first page was because I was expecting the other shoe to drop... and there wasn't one.
I want to thank everyone for their opinions and critiquing my script. It really means a lot, especially since I'm coming back after a long hiatus. Glad to see some old and new faces.
dogglebe - You have every right to not want to read my scripts. It's understandable. They aren't for everyone, so I am not too surprised by your reaction. It is great to see you are still doing well (at least I hope so).
Dreamscale - It does seem like very unlikely that this script, as well as my past ones, will ever be made. But I am very optimistic of such things. Is their an audience for this kind of stuff? Yes. Is the audience big? Not at all. I write what entertains me. I know it isn't for everyone, but as you have seen in the past, that's just how I work. As I have once said a long time ago, I never would write a script to offend people. That would be rude and uncalled for. My purpose for writing scripts is solely to entertain. Anything else would be quite unnecessary.
Kalbers - Comedy is subjective. Therefore, not everyone will understand and/or like the jokes that are laid out to them in certain situations. Trust me, you are not in the minority. Many people seem to not understand my sense of humor. It's fine. If this were to ever be filmed, I would want it live action, but it is highly unlikely.
Irisheyes - One can only hope that this will someday be filmed. I would love to see such a thing. Of course, I need to edit it out a bit.
Hawkeyes - I actually did not realize that I said the "c" word so many times. Perhaps I was under the illusion that I had only used it a couple of times and then forgot. As you may or may not know, I was born with a bad memory. Therefore, it is hard to recall certain places, people, and events. I do thank you for saying it was the most unique script you've ever read, although I am sure there are better ones out in the world and even on this website.
Kip - It seems like you and others have agreed the second half is not nearly as strong as the first. I can see that. I'll try to fix it up and make it work much better. Again, I do write a lot in adult terms, but it is not the driving force behind my scripts. That's just how I write. It's uncommon for anything I write to not have sexually explicit scenes. I guess I am unusual in that sense.
Ghostwriter - I'm astonished you would be wondering what happened to me, of all people. I don't really consider myself much of a "known" person on SS. Perhaps that's just me. I have been on hiatus, completing college work and other things in life. At the moment, I am in the middle of writing a full length script, but it won't be done for quite some time. So, that's where I've been all this time. I am glad you laughed and liked my story. Knowing that a few people had a positive effect reading such makes me feel well and fine. Your compliments are too much. I feel as if you have overloaded yourself with nice words and thrown them all over my exterior. Nonetheless, I thank you for such. I will surely edit this story and make it better. I will also try to do better and more approachable work in the future.
DV44 - Thanks for the words of wisdom. It seems that everyone is in full agreement about the second part being worse than the first. I will do my best to correctly edit everything I need to in order to make the story more understandable.
I do want everyone to know that I do not write scripts to offend or disgust anyone. I know I have said this before, but I just want to assure everyone that I am a very kind and generous person. I know how it feels to see, hear, or read a piece of entertainment that offends you. It's happened to me before and I would never wish to do that to anyone back. It is extremely hard for me to not include certain things in my stories because I am so used to them. Perhaps this is a sad excuse to verify my way of doing things, but that is the only answer I can give. If anyone has been offended by this script, or my past work, I am truly sorry. The last thing I would ever want to do would be to hurt someone in a way that was meant to make others laugh.
I only have one question. How the hell does Bruce Wayne have a clitoris? Okay - two questions. How does a penis bob like a rapid dog? Very quickly?!? Okay - three questions. How can Bob Kane be half gay? Okay - four questions. What is 65 thicks?
Nuff said.
Oh - and two comments. One - I don't think there's enough cock references in this one.
Two:
A few days ago, a new member of Simplyscripts (Creepy) suggested that the board should have a "kid-genre" subsection. Perhaps it would be best to have an X-rated section as well - assuming Don is okay with having scripts like this on the boards...which is completely his call. (Personally, I don't care either way... but perhaps there should be some sort of rating system to warn John Q Public before they open one o' these bad boys.)
Am I offended? Nah. This was too silly to give it much thought...and it takes much more than this to horrify me. (People that know me even a little can testify to that.) But I can definitely see where someone else would be turned off to SS by accidentally reading this. Which ain't something any of us want!!
wonkavite, your questions are quite amusing. They put a smile on my face. Very well done, indeed. Although, I'm not quite sure if you were serious or perhaps joking. I will go with the latter for now.
I wouldn't mind seeing an X-rated section and a kid-genre section on SS. It would definitely beneficial and I don't see the negatives of doing such. I would think, though, that kids would be smart enough to not look at scripts that say "Rated NC-17." I mean, it's kind of common sense, but perhaps I am wrong about today's youth. So yeah, I wouldn't mind seeing that.
I'm sure Don is okay with my scripts being put up. He seems like the kind of guy that would tell someone if they were doing something wrong. In fact, the very first script I posted on here was taken down by ME. I'm the one who contacted Don and told him that it was a mistake to put the script up. Anyone who has ever read that first script I submitted knows how "different" it is from other scripts. If Don would let that get posted, I'm sure he wouldn't mind much of anything else. To be honest, I don't know if any script has ever been rejected by Don due to its content. I'm sure someone else can answer this.
Speaking of Don, I wanted to thank him for posting my script up. I feel so silly for not thanking him earlier. So thanks for that Don. Glad to see this site is still running as smoothly as ever.
If there's something more profound to be interpreted from this, your message was completely lost on me, drowned in a quagmire of repetition and the incessant use of the word 'cock' - sorry.
However, I did love this line: 'You made my batsign quiver'.
Watch your grammar, your overuse of hyperbole, inappropriate use of personification, typos galore, and I agree with previous posters that the second part of your script needs a massive spit and polish - no pun intended.
P.S. Forgot to add. The first half of your script appears to have not much to do with the second half of your script.
The theme of this short is not anything sexual, although it may seem like that to some. I prefer to have many themes in the scripts I write. This one, in particular, deals with the loss of a child and the forgetfulness of nostalgia. The connections, to me, are quite obvious.
Batman symbolizes the maturity within Bob Kane. Robin represents Bob Kane's youth. Alfred represents Bob Kane's father, who wishes for him to grow old. These elements fight with one another and eventually destroy one another within Bob Kane, leaving him empty and afraid (Act 1). Bob Kane realizes he has forgotten about his youth and therefore dies due to this horrific conclusion (Act 2). Charles Kane must find out how and why Bob Kane lost his youth (Act 3).
In a way, I find it a very touching story. Yes, it is a comedy, but also a heartfelt story about the journey of life and how one can get lost in all the things that are happening around them. I found myself quite moved by the very end of the story. Perhaps it is because I can relate to such a thing. I truly believe that there is a Batman and Robin inside all of us. These forces, which we preserve, are what keep us going through life. Whether it be hiking up a mountain, or teaching kids how to write in school. The very gift of childhood lays before us, yet, we choose to let it sit underneath the dark trees of future times. This is something that is quite scary to me. Perhaps one day, this tree will fall and the shadows will lift those memories of youth to the sky. This is not a proper image, per say, but rather an interesting fantasy set upon the stage of what we do in our everyday lives. The sun, moon, and stars all gather together to watch us live these type of lives. Of course, it is up to us to choose whether we want these childhood fantasies to become the realities of tomorrow. For if we do not understand the differences between young and old, then we will never understand the similarities between good and bad. I, for one, am interested in such a concept. The ability to choose to live beneath this tree of troubles or to live on the ground that sets the stage for generations to come. It's quite interesting.
Anyway, thank you for your words of editing. I've already started to edit a bit of my script yesterday and will work on it more today. It is good to see you again, LC.
This had me laughing from the first line! I'm knew to this but I saw a few comments on here and had to read your script, I wasn't disappointed. You have a very seedy but brilliantly imaginative mind. I will definitely be reading more of your work!
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Tony - Thank you for your nice comments. It's great to know that I've been able to give some people a laugh with this script. Of course, that was my intention (it is a comedy). Feel free to check out my other works anytime you like. Your words are quite angelic.
Reef Dreamer - I think that is what writing, in general, is all about. It's about enjoying what you write. I know my stuff is not for everyone, but I write what I would want to watch in a theater. I'm sad you weren't too find of my script, but as you said, it isn't for everyone.
Oney - I can't tell if your reply was meant to be a positive or negative arrow towards the words I used in my script. I guess you were a bit flabbergasted by the whole thing. Nevertheless, at least you know what to expect if you plan to read my future scripts. Although, not all my scripts are "adult-themed." For now, though, this and other similar writings are what I have to offer.
Well this started badly, kind of tailed off in the middle and the less said about the end the better.
Really that is how I would some this up if it was a genuine story. The Batman part was at least some kind of attempt at a story, the bathroom part was just even more odd and the final talking head (or should that be cocks?) was just...well....I don't know what to say lol.
I think you should see someone about your fascination with cocks.
Can't really leave any advice as I wouldn't know where to start, maybe add more about gay Batman, Robin and Albert and less of the thick cocks lol.
Really the strangest thing I've read here in ages.
Oh and there was a lot of errors throughout.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
- Funny line. I’m anticipating we are going to see Bruce Wayne as we’ve never seen him before!
ALFRED Why, ever since you were a song stalker? Why do you ask such a question, my handsome man?
- What is a “song stalker”?
I get what you are going here with the sex talk and toilet humour but I’m having a real hard time picturing a 98 year old mine address another character as “girlfriend”, “wild thing” and “barbie doll”. No doubt it’s getting a chuckle from me and perhaps I’m just too unimaginative or too repressed and constrained but the tone here is well out there, man. I question whether it would work on screen or not.
“ROBIN (1, blonde with a big dick, walks in, nude. He jumps to off the cliff of the entrance. His penis is thick and juicy. It dangles as if it were a rapid dog.
- Had to laugh. No beating around the bush, get straight in there with the visual.
Whoa, by page two this has gone of the scale. You wrote this for animation, right?
ROBIN (to Bruce) Stop tossing my salad! You’re killing me!
Robin takes a shit. Bruce continues to toss the salad. He moans. Robin moans with him.
ROBIN (to Bruce) That’s right, baby! Toss my salad. Toss it real good.
- Had to chuckle at this.
"my best friend in the whole world, Charles Fucker Kane, will be announcing something special."
- Is this a reference to Charles Foster Kane from Citizen Kane?
Ok, his line about his son’s dying words confirms this…but should it not be his great, great grandfather or something‘s anniversary since 250 years have passed? Wow, this was fairly nuts, all over the shop and to the extreme. I get that you went balls out (forgive the horrendous pun) here, no holds bar, but this just isn’t my cup of tea. I like a bit of gross out comedy now and again but generally it wears thin on me after a short time.
I mean I thought it couldn’t get any more absurd after the opening sequence but boy I couldn’t have anticipated proceedings from page 7 onwards, fu?k me!
I think you need to see a specialist about your preoccupation with thick cocks and man juice...especially thick cocks.
One thing I do know, I will never look at Batman or Citizen Kane the same way ever again.
Toby - I'm sure there are weirder scripts to be found on SS and even ones that have not came upon this site yet. Although, it depends what you mean by the word "weird." Different people see different things as weird. It's a matter of opinion. I'm glad that my script has, in someway, has helped you test your knowledge of clinical psychology. Sounds interesting.
aiffy - Thanks for the response. The last couple of days, I've been editing my script a lot. Hopefully, when it is fully edited, some of your problems with it will be resolved. I don't have a fascination with the genitalia of the male body. In fact, I would say I have a fascination with the entire body of both males and females. It's quite interesting. I would assume that most, if not all, of my scripts, have a segment that involves a certain body part. Of course, this isn't always a sexual part of the human body. This script just happened to feature the genitalia of a male.
colkurtz8 - Thanks for all the help. I can answer a few of your questions and reply to some editing comments.
- A "song stalker" is a metaphorical term. As you may or may not know, females are the large group of people that prefer to sing over men. Of course, men like to sing as well, but not as much as their counterpart. Therefore, "song stalker" refers to someone who watches females sing as a way to pleasure themselves.
- I know it is quite hard to picture Alfred saying things that one would except a female to say, but I provided this for two reasons. One, was to provide humor, obviously. The other was to break barriers. The fact that so many people have the assumption that only females say this sort of stuff is insane. In our world, though, it is normal to thing of men as the hierarchy and females as the defenseless pink flower. My script takes place in an alternate reality where it is normal for men to become the pink flower of which they have desired to protect for so many years.
- Yes, I did reference Charles Foster Kane, from Citizen Kane, in my script. I thought no one noticed it, but perhaps you are the first.
- Again, this script takes places in an alternate reality. 250 years to us is not the same for the characters in this script. Time is viewed differently to the people who dwell in this story. I probably should've left that part out, but I thought it was needed to show that this story takes place in another time then our present day lives.
- Your words about my "liking" of the genitalia of men is quite humorous. I applaud you and your comedic talents. As I told aiffy, I am fascinated with the whole human body, not just the private parts of a male. Surely, I am not the only one who is interested in such things that appear throughout this world. It is only natural to be preoccupied with something that others may find "uncool" or "unique."
This might be the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. Having said that. The last half? Come on man. I could copy and paste the word cock for 4 pages as well and get the same result. Go somewhere with it. Be constructive with your cocks.
Woof! Can’t believe I haven’t got around to this one until now. This has to be the most unusual script I’ve ever read. I was a bit uneasy after the opening page, really thought this was going to be some serious homosexual Batman story.
But then the real fun began and there were some real laugh out loud moments.
Unfortunately, the second half of the script isn’t nearly as much fun and I bailed after page 8 when I’d heard the word “thick cock” about million times. Honestly, that second half is just horrible to read and needs to re-worked.
I would like to thank all of you for your comments about my script. I do know that the second half should be changed. It has been negatively viewed by so many that I have, indeed, decided to change it. In fact, I have been away from this site for quite some time editing my script and seeing what works and what doesn't. The fact that some of you (the new replies) have had a few laughs from my story makes me feel quite happy and at ease (for the most part). Again, I am already editing the second half of my script to make it as well-informed as possible. Thanks again for giving your comments and feedback!
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