All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Thanks as always for your complete honesty, Simon.
yes, I very much concentrate on features. Shorts are just for fun and that's the way they should stay. Obviously though if somebody should want to produce one I'd be happy to spend a while making it perfect. And certainly many thoughts here, yours included, will be utilised should such an eventuality occur. Extremely helpful. I actually feel cheeky listing it and getting such great feedback. It almost means I don't have to think for myself.
It's also opened my eyes to bringing in other writers to make scripts better. Obviously there has to be a little bit of mutual respect... but I can see why a partnership could make a for a much better script.
Yeah I agree on the montage... it does look a little unpleasant to the reader. And yeah, the bit** is just a reference to the Help. Could be dropped for the second draft, I suppose. Thanks again for your thoughts, Simon.
Fantastic short script! Character development from the get go and all through the script I was hooked!
I agree with mcornetto on a couple points though. The chimney brick seems to coincidental.I do like the idea of her ending up in the hospital though with Des at the end though! My other suggestions are all aesthetic little things, for the story it great!
Fantastic short script! Character development from the get go and all through the script I was hooked!
I agree with mcornetto on a couple points though. The chimney brick seems to coincidental.I do like the idea of her ending up in the hospital though with Des at the end though! My other suggestions are all aesthetic little things, for the story it great!
Keep up the great work!
Thanks mate, much appreciated. I like the idea of they ending up in hospital together... would make for a great Twilight Zone ending which is exactly the tone aimed for with this script. And yeah, the chimney stack needs a workaround.
Haven't read this one (yet) - but you *do* realize that it freaks me out every time I see this title?
--Janet (Wonka)
Oh, I see, lol. I read my name in a script yesterday and it freaked me a little too.
I'd appreciate your input if you do manage to get around to reading it. I have great admiration for your character development. You obviously get into each character's head and I really had you down as an old guy, in your 60's. Obviously wise beyond your years. Thanks for looking in.
I picked this script at random and didn't read through it first. A writer can learn as much from terrible scripts as they can from great scripts (if not more). And short scripts... they're tough to write!
"All About Janet" is overwritten. It's awkward, clunky, and unnatural. I mean yes, Janet's initial interaction with Martin is shocking and stirring. But other than that, Janet's f-bombs (and other foul language) are the most stimulating part of the script. Janet, as a character, comes off as very phony. Just because she has a rude attitude, and says some appalling things, that doesn't automatically give her personality. Des' dialogue (and entire being) is equally painful ("You know why I'm here." "You don't have to you know." "You already know what I mean.") As for the ending, I don't know what to make of it. My vague guess is that Des is actually Janet, and Janet is actually demented, or something along those lines? Even that doesn't sound right at all.
When I read a work that's terrible, I usually find myself thinking something along the lines of, "Just because you write it, that doesn't make it so!" For example, just because a writer writes a baffling ending (like in "All About Janet") that does not automatically make it thoughtful, or ripe for discussion. The sign of a horrid writer is someone who has the worst taste. Because the best writers have an exquisite pallet for good drama. Good writers don't give in to hype, or pressure. Good writers know where their instincts are strongest, and when they need to bring in an outside opinion.
So as a good writer one should know what is universal, and timeless, and good, but at the same time they must block out the world, ignore what everyone says, and only listen to themselves. Sound like a contradiction? Figure it out, and you'll be the next Stephen King.
Trying to critique a script like "All About Janet" is impossible. It's like trying to appraise the singing voice of a mute. A contradiction, to be sure.
I picked this script at random and didn't read through it first. A writer can learn as much from terrible scripts as they can from great scripts (if not more). And short scripts... they're tough to write!
"All About Janet" is overwritten. It's awkward, clunky, and unnatural. I mean yes, Janet's initial interaction with Martin is shocking and stirring. But other than that, Janet's f-bombs (and other foul language) are the most stimulating part of the script. Janet, as a character, comes off as very phony. Just because she has a rude attitude, and says some appalling things, that doesn't automatically give her personality. Des' dialogue (and entire being) is equally painful ("You know why I'm here." "You don't have to you know." "You already know what I mean.") As for the ending, I don't know what to make of it. My vague guess is that Des is actually Janet, and Janet is actually demented, or something along those lines? Even that doesn't sound right at all.
When I read a work that's terrible, I usually find myself thinking something along the lines of, "Just because you write it, that doesn't make it so!" For example, just because a writer writes a baffling ending (like in "All About Janet") that does not automatically make it thoughtful, or ripe for discussion. The sign of a horrid writer is someone who has the worst taste. Because the best writers have an exquisite pallet for good drama. Good writers don't give in to hype, or pressure. Good writers know where their instincts are strongest, and when they need to bring in an outside opinion.
So as a good writer one should know what is universal, and timeless, and good, but at the same time they must block out the world, ignore what everyone says, and only listen to themselves. Sound like a contradiction? Figure it out, and you'll be the next Stephen King.
Trying to critique a script like "All About Janet" is impossible. It's like trying to appraise the singing voice of a mute. A contradiction, to be sure.
LOL... so I take it you didn't like it. Thanks for your thoughts. I'll take them for what they are worth.
Dustin, pelgiroux also puts your script up on his script review site so you may well want to decide whether you approve of it being there?
As this was written in 24 hours and I posted it knowing there were weaknesses in the plot, I'm not sure that I'd like it taken as a full representation of my work... but at the same time, a part of me really doesn't mind. Let him have his way with it... not like anyone serious is checking out his site or gives a flying what he has to say. At the same time though, I have to accept there are mistakes and I've left it open. I deserve what I get. Meh.
I believe I owe you a read so I dug this up. Hope you're not burnt out on it. I'll comment anyway.
I'm in two minds about this really. On the one hand it's well written, reads quick, good format. But on the other it doesn't seem to make sense in the respect that, while at the bar, Des just seems to drop in out of nowhere and beds Janet. Not buying it really. Des sounds mysterious, even to Janet, but Janet goes for her anyway. To me it just seems like it's a point a to b scenario, where you need Des to go home with Janet, but you don't quite know how to get her there. It's like you sacrificed logic to get the story to where it needs to go.
Once it gets there it's pretty cool reading, but you still got Janet allowing Des to shoot Martin up with dope, shoot Janet up with dope. Janet barely knows this chick and yet she's allowing her to do this. It doesn't ring true, and it needs a fix.
Now, I saw your radio play on this and started reading but got interrupted. It seems like you fixed up how Janet and Des meet. I will read further on that as time allows.
Anyway, like I said, this is well written but misses the mark in a few areas.
Sorry if I repeated anything. Didnt read previous comments.
Second script I read from you. The first, a short on your site, the one with the lonesome old man, I didn't liked. Here you've done a lot better.
It was an interesting read. You really pushed Martin's disease as much as you could. That's great, because it gives the script a nice touch by telling it melodramatic around such a difficult fate.
My advice would be to walk that line to the end. You should stay minimalistic IMO. In a melo there shouldn't be such a big ironic twist. It changes the pace and mood and feels non-organic. It doesn't satisfy me that Janet has owned her bill at the end. Your statement also turns out to plea for justice. What I mean is, you put the BLOCKBUSTER plotting inside a script where I don't see something like that, it's more sensitive and deserves to be free of conventions. The exceptional situation is strong enough and gives a worth itself. So, the chimney-accident with all consequences, as well as Janet's demonization are my points of critism, here.
You mentioned that you developed Des as a voice in Janet's head. That sounds much better. Janet could build up a schizophrenic, or something like that, herself to follow her goal subconsciously: let her personal nightmare end, what she can't, it's impossible. That's the depth.
Janet is 40, she acts as if she's a bit younger. She could be more serious at all. Her depression should come much more up to the surface. She partly comes around fresh and witty and skittish. I see it more believable if she would be rigid, burned out, empty. She got some exhausting rituals and experiences to handle with her diseased husband for 10 years. I don't mean that you didn't show anything of that points, for example you show her sarcastic. It's just more expendable. Her characterization looks like the most important point in your script.
So, finally I would be more interested, if you would focus on Janet and show something from inside her, because of all these unhappy years. Like I said, these creative grab with the demonization of Janet isn't what I'm really interested in, I would prefer to see what Janet finds in her own fate without this supernatural way. Maybe she got some mental problems- kills Martin and herself.
We both had some very different views on some scripts, not on every single, for sure, so take your worth, if there's any for you.
There's definitely something inside, that's what it's all about... congrats for that and good luck with the script
When they start kissing outside the front door of Janet's house, it seem's too quick and out of place.
I think you need more where Janet and Des are in the Bar. Maybe Des whispering in Janet's ear, telling her what she would like to do to her or touching her leg, just something to start the ball rolling.
You say on page 4 'Tears drip down his cheeks' Tears would run down his cheeks or drip off his chin.
I dont like the name 'All About Janet' because it sounds like a rip off . Also it,s not all about Janet, it's about Martin and Des too.
Second script I read from you. The first, a short on your site, the one with the lonesome old man, I didn't liked. Here you've done a lot better.
I still like that old man story. All I wanted to do with that story was show how lonely it can be getting old. All of the shorts listed here were written in the same week. Each one was written in 24 hours. There's probably a bit more to chew on with this story... but still, I'm not sure why the Final Loneliness hasn't received any praise. Maybe people are just not old enough to be interested... which would be kinda ironic.
It was an interesting read. You really pushed Martin's disease as much as you could. That's great, because it gives the script a nice touch by telling it melodramatic around such a difficult fate.
My advice would be to walk that line to the end. You should stay minimalistic IMO. In a melo there shouldn't be such a big ironic twist. It changes the pace and mood and feels non-organic.
I see what you mean, but I feel that without that twist it wouldn't be a story. The twist is expected. I think my delivery of that twist is way off and needs to be better worked out. Too circumstantial at the moment.. but I still feel that it needs to be there.
You mentioned that you developed Des as a voice in Janet's head. That sounds much better. Janet could build up a schizophrenic, or something like that, herself to follow her goal subconsciously: let her personal nightmare end, what she can't, it's impossible. That's the depth.
Desdemona does not actually exist in the real sense. The name Desdemona means misery. So she is a manifestation of the Devil, or representative of Janet's own miserable feelings. She is certainly not meant to be a real person. Which is why she doesn't need an arc of her own.
Janet is 40, she acts as if she's a bit younger. She could be more serious at all. Her depression should come much more up to the surface. She partly comes around fresh and witty and skittish. I see it more believable if she would be rigid, burned out, empty. She got some exhausting rituals and experiences to handle with her diseased husband for 10 years. I don't mean that you didn't show anything of that points, for example you show her sarcastic. It's just more expendable. Her characterization looks like the most important point in your script.
Yes, in the radio play I believed I showed/told this a little better. Certainly something that would get reworked on a rewrite.
When they start kissing outside the front door of Janet's house, it seem's too quick and out of place.
Something either is or it isn't. Is the viewer party to the journey home? Is the viewer party to anything else that happened in the bar prior to they going home? The answer to both of those questions is no. They meet in a bar, attracted to each other, then it cuts to them kissing outside her front door. That's all that is needed in a short... or even a feature.
I think you need more where Janet and Des are in the Bar. Maybe Des whispering in Janet's ear, telling her what she would like to do to her or touching her leg, just something to start the ball rolling.
T%his is a short. No more is needed than an initial attraction in the bar, then a cut to them kissing outside the front door. If you want to read a romance, pick up a Mills and Boon.
Pages: 
Author
All About Janet - Filmed
Logged
Locked Board