The Greatest Escape by Dustin Bowcott (DustinBowcott) - Short, Supernatural - An Escape artist risks everything for the sake of adoration. 11 pages - pdf, format

I was not at all happy with this script.  It was extremely heavily worded and went on way too long.  And there was no pay off at the end.

Your descriptions seem to go on forever.  If you were to cut them down, this script would probably be six or seven pages:

Quoted Text Tarquinio is sitting opposite a mirror that has lights around the border. SCRIVENS (50's), Tarquinio's faithful aide and something of a deformed midget, stands back, almost in the shadows. Tarquinio watches him in the mirror.

could just as easily have been written:

Quoted Text Tarqinio sits in front of a large make up mirror.  SCRIVENS (50s), a deformed midget, stands behind him nervously.  Tarquinio eyes him.

A third of the copy sliced away.  You put way too much detail in what you write (and this is through the script).  As a result, I grew impatient with the story.

Don't tell us things (like Scrivens is the faithful aide).  Show it to us!  This is supposed to be a visual medium.

All of your characters have that same melodramatic tone through out the script.  I can understand Tarquinio and the host being like this, but the Queen's doctor as well?

Quoted Text        DOCTOR I am the Royal Doctor. If this man is dead then there isn't a better man alive that can say so.

Seriously?

Quoted Text First the Doctor listens at his chest. Then he pulls out a mirror and places it beneath Tarquinio's nose, timing it on his pocket watch. After approximately a minute the Doctor removes the mirror and once again turns to face the crowd

Are we supposed to watch this for a full minute?  The doctor was checking to se if he was breathing.  A few seconds is all that's needed.

The ending, I thought, was a big let down.  Tarquinio's 'trip' was interesting; your visuals was good, but then you just dropped an ending in our laps that failed.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Thanks for your thoughts doggie, I'll get onto your points now.

Quoted from dogglebe I was not at all happy with this script.  It was extremely heavily worded and went on way too long.  And there was no pay off at the end. Your descriptions seem to go on forever.  If you were to cut them down, this script would probably be six or seven pages: A third of the copy sliced away.  You put way too much detail in what you write (and this is through the script).  As a result, I grew impatient with the story.

Yes perhaps a little too wordy, I wouldn't say it was extremely heavy though... and certainly not a way over exaggerated 3rd of the copy. It also seems that you are so desperate for negatives that you need to repeat the same thing three times in three paragraphs. We both know why that is, don't we doggie.

Quoted from dogglebe All of your characters have that same melodramatic tone through out the script.  I can understand Tarquinio and the host being like this, but the Queen's doctor as well?

Often people not used to being on stage will be melodramatic as they are not professionals... plus this is set in the 1940's and things were naturally more melodramatic then anyway. At least from the films I have seen they were.

Quoted from dogglebe Seriously?

Yes.

Quoted from dogglebe Are we supposed to watch this for a full minute?  The doctor was checking to se if he was breathing.  A few seconds is all that's needed.

Well there are people that can hold their breath for up to five minutes. A few seconds is easily managed by most people. Try it.

However, i will concede that i need to write that scene better, indeed INCREASE it to 5 minutes... of course though the viewer will not have to wait the full 5... and neither would they have to wait a full minute in this draft. Obviously, when engaging a little common sense the director can opt to play out the scene whatever way they want. A spec writer's job is to tell the story.

Quoted from dogglebe The ending, I thought, was a big let down.  Tarquinio's 'trip' was interesting; your visuals was good, but then you just dropped an ending in our laps that failed. Hope this helps. Phil

I did suspect that would be the case with not many people making the string theory relationship. I couldn't figure out a way of escaping death that hadn't already been done. I actually thought for hours. Slept on it even. How can somebody escape death that hasn't already been done before?

All I could think of was the same old shit. Playing a game with death and winning. No matter what game or deal I could think of though, none of them were original enough for me. So in the end I fell upon string theory and that (in some circles) we supposedly have celestial strings attaching us to our physical selves. We'll see this in images depcted of outer body experiences.

Sorry it was lost on you.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Well there are people that can hold their breath for up to five minutes. A few seconds is easily managed by most people. Try it. However, i will concede that i need to write that scene better, indeed INCREASE it to 5 minutes... of course though the viewer will not have to wait the full 5... and neither would they have to wait a full minute in this draft. Obviously, when engaging a little common sense the director can opt to play out the scene whatever way they want. A spec writer's job is to tell the story.

I think this is Phil's point.  You write that the action goes on for a minute and so that is how long it is on screen, which is a long time of nothing much happening.  As for a director 'playing out a scene how he wants', well to some respects yes but you are the writer and you specified that the doctors checks if he's breathing for a minute.  If you think this is too long then why did you write it?

I haven't read over this yet but will do so now as I don't want to be negative having not read the material.  I will leave my thoughts shortly.

Quoted from alffy I think this is Phil's point.  You write that the action goes on for a minute and so that is how long it is on screen, which is a long time of nothing much happening.  As for a director 'playing out a scene how he wants', well to some respects yes but you are the writer and you specified that the doctors checks if he's breathing for a minute.  If you think this is too long then why did you write it? I haven't read over this yet but will do so now as I don't want to be negative having not read the material.  I will leave my thoughts shortly.

If you read what i wrote properly then you would see that I actually now believe a minute isn't long enough... as in too short, not enough time... however at the time of writing I obviously didn't consider that to be the case.

I was merely specifying why I did it in the first place. Doesn't mean I don't understand what he has written... especially if I make a following paragraph conceding that I need to write it better. Which I did.

Although, thanks for taking the time to point this out to me again.

Okay Dustin,

SPOILERS!!!

I'll start by saying that I think your margins are off, the text seems too squashed in the middle.  It looks like your left hand margin is too wide.

You'll get some stick for 'we travel' and 'we stop', who's we?  Do you mean the camera?  You need to think of a better way to describe this and maybe decide that you don't need to describe it this way.  I'm guessing the Stagehand knocks on the door so why not say that he walks down the corridor?

Tarquinio winks while he still embraces Scrivens, so who is the wink for?  Scrivens can't see him wink.

I like the Host but you give him no introduction.

Phil noted that this is overwritten and here's a simple example.
Scrivens helps wheel out a door-shaped block of wood that is stood upright on a metal stand.  Two pairs of metal handcuffs are attached to the top of the wooden block.
You could easily cut the to the top of the wooden block at the end.

This may seem picky but if one member of the audience passes out, I wonder if we would notice it in the crowd?  If everyone is seated would she not just slump forward?  If fellow audience members picked her, then maybe we would notice?

I'd maybe use mini slugs when flicking between the STAGE and LIMBO.

I was confused why you changed slugs from STAGE to THEATRE?

The Doctor's dialogue doesn't sound natural at all although it got me thinking; what year is this set?  I pictured an early 1900's with the characters speech but then you throw in the Queen circa 1952 so I'm thinking more modern day.  Then the Commoner shouts about paying a penny so I'm back to the turn of the century.  The two don't quite match.

Okay so I'm done and I'll start by saying the concept is pretty decent but it has two big holes for me.  If Tarquinio has done this many times before, how has no one seen his soul return.  It seems incomprehensible that not once has anyone not kept watching the stage.  Secondly,his act relies on him killing a member of the audience to return.  This time it is 'slightly' excusable, but not really, as it is a loud drunk but what if a young mother entered the stage, would he tell her to sit?

This isn't a disaster but needs some work.

Quoted from DustinBowcot If you read what i wrote properly then you would see that I actually now believe a minute isn't long enough... as in too short, not enough time...

This is my point, Dustin.  A minute of nothing happening on screen, other than a doctor checking a man's pulse, is too long, let alone making it five minutes!  If you had the doctor checking Tarquinio while other things happen it would be passable.

Quoted from alffy This is my point, Dustin.  A minute of nothing happening on screen, other than a doctor checking a man's pulse, is too long, let alone making it five minutes!  If you had the doctor checking Tarquinio while other things happen it would be passable.

I see that I haven't explained myself properly and that you cannot see any way around missing 5 minutes in a film. A simple fade in and out would do it with the doctor looking at his watch. 5 minutes passes in the blink of an eye.

Quoted from alffy You'll get some stick for 'we travel' and 'we stop', who's we?  Do you mean the camera?  You need to think of a better way to describe this and maybe decide that you don't need to describe it this way.

I've seen it in pro scripts but it is something I've been ironing out of my scripts anyway. All of these shorts were written in a very brief amount of time, actually one a day and I have six or seven altogether.

Quoted from alffy   I'm guessing the Stagehand knocks on the door so why not say that he walks down the corridor?

Because I don't need to.

Quoted from alffy Tarquinio winks while he still embraces Scrivens, so who is the wink for?  Scrivens can't see him wink.

It depends how one hugs... although I agree I should make that clearer.

Quoted from alffy I like the Host but you give him no introduction.

I don't believe he needs one considering he plays only a minor role. I decided to leave it entirely up to the imagination.

Quoted from alffy Phil noted that this is overwritten and here's a simple example. Scrivens helps wheel out a door-shaped block of wood that is stood upright on a metal stand.  Two pairs of metal handcuffs are attached to the top of the wooden block. You could easily cut the to the top of the wooden block at the end.

I don't agree.

Quoted from alffy This may seem picky but if one member of the audience passes out, I wonder if we would notice it in the crowd?  If everyone is seated would she not just slump forward?  If fellow audience members picked her, then maybe we would notice?

People would stand in shock, but I realise that I should clarify that now.

Quoted from alffy I'd maybe use mini slugs when flicking between the STAGE and LIMBO.

I only like to use mini's these days if I can introduce them properly. Otherwise it is a full slug... which is the proper way to do it anyway.

Quoted from alffy I was confused why you changed slugs from STAGE to THEATRE?

Ah, I'll have to look for that. Thanks for alerting me to its existence.

Quoted from alffy The Doctor's dialogue doesn't sound natural at all although it got me thinking; what year is this set?  I pictured an early 1900's with the characters speech but then you throw in the Queen circa 1952 so I'm thinking more modern day.  Then the Commoner shouts about paying a penny so I'm back to the turn of the century.  The two don't quite match.

Yeah well spotted, as this story developed I imagined it in the victorian era despite the opening where I place it in the 40's. Definitely need to go in and change that.

Quoted from alffy Okay so I'm done and I'll start by saying the concept is pretty decent but it has two big holes for me.  If Tarquinio has done this many times before, how has no one seen his soul return.  It seems incomprehensible that not once has anyone not kept watching the stage.

Well it's pretty obvious that people don't see souls returning and leaving. I'm not sure why that would need explaining.

Quoted from alffy Secondly,his act relies on him killing a member of the audience to return.  This time it is 'slightly' excusable, but not really, as it is a loud drunk but what if a young mother entered the stage, would he tell her to sit?

A young mother doesn't do that and that is really down for you to decide afterwards. The story is true to its logline. I make no promises of heroics.

Thank you for your thoughts alffy.

Quoted from DustinBowcot It also seems that you are so desperate for negatives that you need to repeat the same thing three times in three paragraphs. We both know why that is, don't we doggie.

Because you're a pretentious writer who thinks your shit doesn't stink?

Sorry I wasted my time.


Phil

Quoted from DustinBowcot ...you cannot see any way around missing 5 minutes in a film. A simple fade in and out would do it...

What??  The doctor is holding the guy's hand and you fade out!?!

Everyone knows what you are really implying is the doctor having sex Tarquinio -- even after he is dead!  You must be some kind of necropheliac and I think that's just sick!!

Anyways, here's hoping that you can take a joke (for those that actually get this ).

Think I will read this tonight if I can find some time.

Quoted from bert What??  The doctor is holding the guy's hand and you fade out!?! Everyone knows what you are really implying is the doctor having sex Tarquinio -- even after he is dead!  You must be some kind of necropheliac and I think that's just sick!! Anyways, here's hoping that you can take a joke (for those that actually get this ). Think I will read this tonight if I can find some time.

Yeah well I hope that the set up is sufficient so that it isn't even considered the doctor has sex with him on stage. If it isn't and it does look like a possibility, please let me know. I wouldn't want people thinking I'm into necrophilia. I would actually end with the doctor looking at his timepiece and then come in with the timepiece showing a 5 minute lapse.

Quoted from dogglebe Because you're a pretentious writer who thinks your shit doesn't stink? Sorry I wasted my time. Phil

I'm sorry that you wasted your time too. You already know what I think of you, so perhaps it is best that we just ignore each other from now on.

Dustin,

A couple things I'll mention, apart from whats already mentioned.

But first, to mention something from above. A fade out, fade in, is a cross fade. And I doubt you want to do that. I think you probably want to do is a dissolve. Which is more effective.

I don't like your opening slug. You just say street, night. And then you don't do anything to orient me in trying to think about where the theater is located, and what the street looks like, and what I'm suppose to see. You can be a tad more descriptive instead of focusing straight to the theater.

For some reason your character names are actually appealing to me. With those names, I imagined your characters more as caricatures.

Not liking the melodrama. And 40s melodrama is not the way you depicted it here. This is about 60% more melodramatic than a 40s film. Hint: the crying midget, the winking, the embrace. All happens two closely together.

Unless of course you were going for some kind of comedy like Abbot and Costello or something, Laurel and Hardy. Did you have at least a specific movie in mind?

"gives the audience slight concern " -- Gasps I can imagine. Concern is hard to translate to the screen.

"their female partners
slapping them playfully." -- All of them at once? Or just a few? If just a few, I wouldn't include this.

"Tarquinio takes it and
holds it out with two hands."

You already told us he'll be taking it, so jump to the part where he's holding it.

"Unseen hands turn the wooden block so that Tarquinio
is facing Scrivens." -- Confusing. How are the hands unseen? This made no sense to me.

"EXT. LIMBO"

What's the EXT. for?

Okay, well I lost interest when he got to Limbo. Sorry. It was interesting before that though. Just sluggish with the action lines.

-J.S.

Quoted from J.S. Dustin, A couple things I'll mention, apart from whats already mentioned. But first, to mention something from above. A fade out, fade in, is a cross fade. And I doubt you want to do that. I think you probably want to do is a dissolve. Which is more effective.

Thanks, i'll look into the different types of shots available in this situation. The keywords provided will definitely help.

Quoted from J.S. I don't like your opening slug. You just say street, night. And then you don't do anything to orient me in trying to think about where the theater is located, and what the street looks like, and what I'm suppose to see. You can be a tad more descriptive instead of focusing straight to the theater.

Yeah I suppose a small description of the actual street wouldn't hurt.

Quoted from J.S. For some reason your character names are actually appealing to me. With those names, I imagined your characters more as caricatures.

Thanks.

Quoted from J.S. Not liking the melodrama. And 40s melodrama is not the way you depicted it here. This is about 60% more melodramatic than a 40s film. Hint: the crying midget, the winking, the embrace. All happens two closely together.

As I wrote this story i went back to victorian... and if i did a second draft on this I would change that. However, point taken on milking it too much.

Quoted from J.S. Unless of course you were going for some kind of comedy like Abbot and Costello or something, Laurel and Hardy. Did you have at least a specific movie in mind?

I don't write with specific movies in mind.

Quoted from J.S. "gives the audience slight concern " -- Gasps I can imagine. Concern is hard to translate to the screen.

Thanks.

Quoted from J.S. "their female partners slapping them playfully." -- All of them at once? Or just a few? If just a few, I wouldn't include this.

The ones shown on screen. Not everybody will be with a female partner, so it shouldn't look odd.

Quoted from J.S. "Tarquinio takes it and holds it out with two hands." You already told us he'll be taking it, so jump to the part where he's holding it.

Good point.

Quoted from J.S. "Unseen hands turn the wooden block so that Tarquinio is facing Scrivens." -- Confusing. How are the hands unseen? This made no sense to me.

It means that the block turns but we can't see how it happens.

Quoted from J.S. "EXT. LIMBO" What's the EXT. for?

Why not?

Quoted from J.S. Okay, well I lost interest when he got to Limbo. Sorry. It was interesting before that though. Just sluggish with the action lines. -J.S.

I did label it as supernatural as a warning that something like that will happen. Sorry that you lost interest and thanks for your thoughts.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Why not?

Limbo has an exterior and an interior? I mean, I'm probably the only person here, I ain't embarrassed to say it, that thinks this is outright absurd. Not every slug requires an ext. int. If it's the woods, isn't it obvious it's exterior? Can't that makes sense by you saying it's the woods? It seems nit-picky, but in reality, it's unnecessary, and that's kind of what I try to avoid. Does heaven have an ext. or int.? Does that justification sound mildly reasonable to you?

Quoted from DustinBowcot I did label it as supernatural as a warning that something like that will happen. Sorry that you lost interest and thanks for your thoughts.

Honestly, I didn't even read the logline. I just went into it because it was something by a writer I haven't read before, so that's why. I got into it. I understand it was meant to be that, it just sort of faded out in interest for me at that point, that's all. Not saying it's bad.

EDIT:

I forgot to make a quick mention of this: "It means that the block turns but we can't see how it happens."

I am assuming you mean this in like a close up, whereas  I was imagining the entire scene more wide. That's why it confused me. I guess you should probably mention that if that's what you want to convey.

EDIT: Oh, and the title was intriguing because the Great Escape is one of my favorite movies

I read this through, and enjoyed the concept.  Depictions of the afterlife are always interesting to me, and you did have a somewhat unique take, though a trifle confusing in its execution (quite literally).  Like Alffy, I was left to wonder if somebody in the audience must die every time he performs this trick.  Seems like sales would soon plummet, and you wonder why Scrivins is on board with all this.

But maybe that is thinking too much.

The Drunk plays a large enough role in this story that I feel he deserves a formal name.

Your Limbo is well-realized, with its flashes of Death's head being perhaps the best detail.  Personally, I imagined this Limbo sequence as animated in some way. Something apart from reality.

I thought the humming was odd, though, and would have preferred a different technique to visualize the strings.  I cannot imagine what that might be, however.

I know where you stand on dogglebe's advice, but I will say that same patch of dialogue from the Doctor struck me as particularly awkward.  Say it aloud.  If he had not pointed it out, I would have.  Not that dialogue is a pervasive problem in this script, but that particular passage is just not working.

The other bit of dialogue I would focus on for a moment is this, when Tarquinio states, "It is not about the money for me, either."  What is it about, then?  I mean, for either of these guys?

I mention it here because I thought you were setting something up for a later payoff -- when it is revealed "why" he does this.

But that payoff never came, and it feels like a missed opportunity.

As such, I suggest you keep the line and give it a payoff, particularly as the end seems so abrupt.  Once Tarquinio is back in the saddle, a few more paragraphs and you are out.

Were this mine, I would incorporate some additional twist that explains (perhaps) why he must perform this escape from death's grasp. Perhaps something tied to his somewhat odd relationship with Scrivins.

I think such a reveal -- speaking to Tarquinio's true character in some way -- would help strengthen the story.

Right now the story is interesting, but (as you concede above) totally amoral.  It is not saying anything, and therefore lacks that bit of heart that always makes a script stronger.  You should look for it.

Quoted from bert I read this through, and enjoyed the concept.  Depictions of the afterlife are always interesting to me, and you did have a somewhat unique take, though a trifle confusing in its execution (quite literally).  Like Alffy, I was left to wonder if somebody in the audience must die every time he performs this trick.  Seems like sales would soon plummet, and you wonder why Scrivins is on board with all this.

People would pay a lot of money to see somebody shot on stage and come back to life. Why would the drunk's death be tied into what Tarquinio is doing? Nobody is seen to kill him.

Quoted from bert The Drunk plays a large enough role in this story that I feel he deserves a formal name.

Fair enough.

Quoted from bert Your Limbo is well-realized, with its flashes of Death's head being perhaps the best detail.  Personally, I imagined this Limbo sequence as animated in some way. Something apart from reality.

Yes me too. The Death's Head will certainly need to be animated.

Quoted from bert I thought the humming was odd, though, and would have preferred a different technique to visualize the strings.  I cannot imagine what that might be, however.

My reasoning for the humming is that string theory concerns vibrations. So two objects could occupy the same space if they vibrate at different frequencies.

Quoted from bert I know where you stand on dogglebe's advice, but I will say that same patch of dialogue from the Doctor struck me as particularly awkward.  Say it aloud.  If he had not pointed it out, I would have.  Not that dialogue is a pervasive problem in this script, but that particular passage is just not working.

I still like it.

Quoted from bert The other bit of dialogue I would focus on for a moment is this, when Tarquinio states, "It is not about the money for me, either."  What is it about, then?  I mean, for either of these guys?

He's an escape artist. They don't do it for money. First and foremost they do it because it gives them a thrill. What bigger thrill could there be than escaping death?

Quoted from bert Were this mine, I would incorporate some additional twist that explains (perhaps) why he must perform this escape from death's grasp. Perhaps something tied to his somewhat odd relationship with Scrivins.

There can only be one reason that you need to escape Death's grasp and that is that you are about to die. This guy is an escape artist. He does it because it is what he does.

Quoted from bert Right now the story is interesting, but (as you concede above) totally amoral.  It is not saying anything, and therefore lacks that bit of heart that always makes a script stronger.  You should look for it.

Yes this is the story's biggest problem... which is why I had to make the drunk deserving of it somewhat. What happens either side of the story though is for the viewer to ponder on. They may not like what they think afterwards... but they will be thinking. Which is better than dismissive.

Thanks for your thoughts, Bert. They will come in handy should I find time to delve back into writing shorts again.

Quoted from J.S. Limbo has an exterior and an interior? I mean, I'm probably the only person here, I ain't embarrassed to say it, that thinks this is outright absurd. Not every slug requires an ext. int. If it's the woods, isn't it obvious it's exterior? Can't that makes sense by you saying it's the woods? It seems nit-picky, but in reality, it's unnecessary, and that's kind of what I try to avoid. Does heaven have an ext. or int.? Does that justification sound mildly reasonable to you?

I've never really thought about it before, having started back in September last year. So I just googled why we use EXT and INT at all.. and it appears, from what I can find, that we do it to alert the film crew as to whether they will be filming indoors or on location. So technically, i suppose, LIMBO would actually be an INT... as it would need a black screen and a minimal amount of CGI. However at the same time, placing LIMBO with an INT might get confusing to anyone reading the script... or perhaps, Producers will be able to look past that as they don't look at INT and EXT the way ordinary readers do.

I suppose it makes it easier for the film crew to see at a glance what is what. If we don't put them in then the production script writers will and I suppose it makes their job easier. However... what if we get it wrong? We are in fact making their job harder so perhaps with things like LIMBO it may be better to just let them decide and leave off with EXT and INT altogether.

However for things like THE WOODS, I think we should still put them in. THE WOODS could very easily be the name of an indoor house. They do that in my country sometimes, rather than a number, you get a name.

Quoted from J.S. Honestly, I didn't even read the logline. I just went into it because it was something by a writer I haven't read before, so that's why. I got into it. I understand it was meant to be that, it just sort of faded out in interest for me at that point, that's all. Not saying it's bad.

I didn't think you were saying that... well, not in the general sense. You obviously feel it is bad because you lost interest. I do that too if convenient magic is used to tell a story. Which is why I attempted to meld science theory into it... but I think I need to enhance that more in this story, add some crafty exposition.

Quoted from J.S. I forgot to make a quick mention of this: "It means that the block turns but we can't see how it happens." I am assuming you mean this in like a close up, whereas  I was imagining the entire scene more wide. That's why it confused me. I guess you should probably mention that if that's what you want to convey. EDIT: Oh, and the title was intriguing because the Great Escape is one of my favorite movies

It could be wide too, so long as the person moving the block isn't seen. I suppose the HOST could do it... but it doesn't matter.

Thanks for explaining more on the INT/EXT thing, and just going into more detail in general. It is appreciated.

I'm unsure about the whole is it on a stage or on location thing with ext. and int. Because that's not really for the writer to decide anyway. Some scenes that are outside can be shot on a stage. And interiors can be shot on a stage or location, as in someone's house, hospital, or whatever. There's no hard and fast rule for it, but I find it awkward when I see something like EXT. OUTER SPACE. Was there suppose to be an interior to outer space?

I did lose interest, true, and also true that's a test for whether its good or bad, but I guess I had something else in mind. I kind of imagined this being in the vain of The Prestige Good movie. Not excellent for me. But good. It got weird a bit later on, but I like stage magic movies like that, with all the costumes and everything. So that's probably what kept my interest here.

Quoted from J.S. Was there suppose to be an interior to outer space?

If we apply the same logic to that which we use on Earth, then yes there can be an interior to space. A space station is similar to a house.

I don't think the same logic applies. Ext. = outside, int. = inside. Inside outer space =/= space station. But because this is going on a tangent from what this thread is about, I'll leave it for you to ponder.

Dustin

I see others have commented on the wordiness and formatting so I’ll just focus on the story and its execution.

“Tarquinio makes a meal…”

- I loved this both for the visual and the bold use of such a colloquialism to convey a character action. I dunno if everyone reading this would be familiar with the phrase, we say it a lot where I’m from, made me chuckle.

“After approximately a minute the Doctor removes the mirror and once again
turns to face the crowd.”

- Are you really going to have us wait a whole minute while the doctor checks for Tarquinio’s breath? Not that it would even take that long for death to be determined.

I know I promised I wouldn’t go into the wordiness or formatting but the verbosity didn’t put me off that much mainly because I found it to be well written. Ya, sure some trimming can be done but I really dug the read nonetheless. I love the idea of Tarquinio hitching a ride back to life on the last person to touch him post death, that’s a pretty cool concept. Also, the dialogue, particularly the opening exchange between the master and assistant was nicely judged, perfectly encapsulating their relationship in so few words. The flamboyant theatrics of Tarquinio during his act amused me too.

The limbo scenes threw me initially but not in a bad way. For one, I did not see the script going in that direction but enjoyed the trip.

I take it then that Tarquinio and Scrivens rely on somebody to doubt the trick’s veracity by touching the recently expired illusionist on order for him to come back? If so, why did Scriven’s “rugby tackle” (another phrase I enjoyed) him, was this all part of the act since you do say that the drunk guy easily overpowers him?

Either way, I like what you tried here, good stuff.

Col.

Some suggestions should you revisit this. Think of the common death defying trick known as the water tank. The audience watches the clock for what feels like eternity. When the magician fails to reappear, the crew panics. There is tension in the audience. A man shows up with an ax to break the tank...and then the magician appears wet and safe.

In this story, the magician is shot, and people just start leaving when nothing happens. That's not how it would play, and not how the magician would want it to play. It's supposed to be high drama. Panic. A man's been shot! Quick, someone do something!

They've done this trick before, so they would know how to push an audience to fever pitch.

Where is the blood? I could be missing something, but since there is a real hole and he seems to really die, there should be some blood.

And this might also work better. It should seem like a trick where something has gone horribly wrong. By design, of course. Maybe the magician is supposed to catch the bullet, a common 19th century magic trick. Maybe Scriv shoots a couple that the magician catches. And then he misses one...quick, is there a doctor in the house?!

Finally, I am ok if no explanation is given as to how this trick is performed. The limbo visuals are enough. However, why does the magician take this great risk? Is he exploring the unknown? Is he an adrenaline junkie? If so, shouldn't he keep pushing the boundary like Houdini did? You might say he does it just for money, but two things to keep in mind on that. One, it hardly seems necessary. A worthy magician would not need to keep killing himself.

But more importantly, if money is the sole motivation, that is not very interesting. Maybe if you can show some dire need for money, I suppose that would help. But I would rather this death defying behavior be tied to some more interesting characteristic of the magician.

These are not knocks on the story at all, merely possible ideas to improve should you come back to it. It feels like a good concept waiting to be fleshed into something more compelling or thought provoking.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Dustin I see others have commented on the wordiness and formatting so I’ll just focus on the story and its execution. “Tarquinio makes a meal…” - I loved this both for the visual and the bold use of such a colloquialism to convey a character action. I dunno if everyone reading this would be familiar with the phrase, we say it a lot where I’m from, made me chuckle.

Thanks. I didn't even think about it when I wrote that. I suppose I can use US spellings and even some phrases, but my Britishness is always going to shine through.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 “After approximately a minute the Doctor removes the mirror and once again turns to face the crowd.” - Are you really going to have us wait a whole minute while the doctor checks for Tarquinio’s breath? Not that it would even take that long for death to be determined.

No, I believe it should now be 5 minutes... but we wouldn't have to wait that long. My reasoning for extending the time is that I'd like to set this story in the Victorian era... back then people could be buried while they were alive. They used to put bells outside the coffin in case the person woke up. People can slow their heart rates down and hold their breath for up to 5 minutes. Certainly 4 minutes. Holy f*** I just googled it and the the world record for holding breath is 22.22 minutes. The previous record was 20 minutes: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/new.....r-22-22-minutes.html

So anyway that's my reasoning for having a wait period. The audience must know that he is really dead and that it isn't a trick.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I know I promised I wouldn’t go into the wordiness or formatting but the verbosity didn’t put me off that much mainly because I found it to be well written. Ya, sure some trimming can be done but I really dug the read nonetheless. I love the idea of Tarquinio hitching a ride back to life on the last person to touch him post death, that’s a pretty cool concept. Also, the dialogue, particularly the opening exchange between the master and assistant was nicely judged, perfectly encapsulating their relationship in so few words. The flamboyant theatrics of Tarquinio during his act amused me too. The limbo scenes threw me initially but not in a bad way. For one, I did not see the script going in that direction but enjoyed the trip.

Thanks.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I take it then that Tarquinio and Scrivens rely on somebody to doubt the trick’s veracity by touching the recently expired illusionist on order for him to come back? If so, why did Scriven’s “rugby tackle” (another phrase I enjoyed) him, was this all part of the act since you do say that the drunk guy easily overpowers him? Either way, I like what you tried here, good stuff. Col.

No, no touching is necessary. Tarquinio has his choice of strings. Which is why I had to make the drunk deserving in some way. Death can't really be cheated, so if Tarquinio must escape from it, it means somebody has to take his place.

I actually stole the initial idea from Serling. His second twilight zone episode is about a guy that convinces death to give him one more try. But the guy must pick another victim to take his place. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_for_the_Angels

Thanks for your thoughts. Sorry I had to edit this in but I'm still recovering from Friday night.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Some suggestions should you revisit this. Think of the common death defying trick known as the water tank. The audience watches the clock for what feels like eternity. When the magician fails to reappear, the crew panics. There is tension in the audience. A man shows up with an ax to break the tank...and then the magician appears wet and safe. In this story, the magician is shot, and people just start leaving when nothing happens. That's not how it would play, and not how the magician would want it to play. It's supposed to be high drama. Panic. A man's been shot! Quick, someone do something!

They know he's going to be shot because that is what they turn up for. Which is why the Queen suddenly appears almost like an afterthought, because that is what she was. If a man had been shot and come back to life before then Royalty would want to be there to see it. Also people in those times were far less sensitive to blood and people being killed in general. Although i really do get your point on making the audience more reactionary to the event. Definitely one I should improve.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Where is the blood? I could be missing something, but since there is a real hole and he seems to really die, there should be some blood.

Yes there would be some blood. Easily rectified. Thanks for that.

Quoted from KevinLenihan And this might also work better. It should seem like a trick where something has gone horribly wrong. By design, of course. Maybe the magician is supposed to catch the bullet, a common 19th century magic trick. Maybe Scriv shoots a couple that the magician catches. And then he misses one...quick, is there a doctor in the house?!

He is an escape artist making the greatest escape of all. Everybody must be complicit in what is happening.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Finally, I am ok if no explanation is given as to how this trick is performed. The limbo visuals are enough.

I did consider that but thought it a bit of a cop out.

Quoted from KevinLenihan However, why does the magician take this great risk? Is he exploring the unknown? Is he an adrenaline junkie? If so, shouldn't he keep pushing the boundary like Houdini did? You might say he does it just for money, but two things to keep in mind on that. One, it hardly seems necessary. A worthy magician would not need to keep killing himself. But more importantly, if money is the sole motivation, that is not very interesting. Maybe if you can show some dire need for money, I suppose that would help. But I would rather this death defying behavior be tied to some more interesting characteristic of the magician.

He does it for the thrill of doing it. I believe all escape artists are the same. the buzz they get from the escape is enough for them to want to do it again and again. Perhaps the adoration from people is a factor too. It is said in the script that it isn't for money, despite them being rich from doing it. I suppose there is a lot more story here if I wanted to investigate it... perhaps 30-60 minutes worth, even as much as a feature.

Quoted from KevinLenihan These are not knocks on the story at all, merely possible ideas to improve should you come back to it. It feels like a good concept waiting to be fleshed into something more compelling or thought provoking.

I don't take negatives as knocks. I take them for how they are intended. It takes time to read somebody's work and comment on it and I appreciate that. I also understand that we do it because we genuinely, for the most part anyway, really want to help make the story better.

Thanks, Kevin.

Quoted from DustinBowcot No, no touching is necessary. Tarquinio has his choice of strings. Which is why I had to make the drunk deserving in some way. Death can't really be cheated, so if Tarquinio must escape from it, it means somebody has to take his place.

- Oh, ok, I thought he chose the drunk since he was the closest to him in the conscious world i.e. when he touched him. How come when all the other spirits pull their strings they come up short? Is it pure luck depending on the length of time the string's owner has been dead?

Coincidentally, I was listening to the Guardian weekly news podcast and they were talking about an English physician/doctor (Sarnia, was his sir name I think, English taught, now practicing in America) who has wrote a book championing a number of revolutionary resuscitation techniques he’s developed, claiming he can bring people back from the dead (quite literally) after many minutes and that deaths from, for example: heart attacks can be counteracted much more effectively than current methods. Fascinating stuff.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - Oh, ok, I thought he chose the drunk since he was the closest to him in the conscious world i.e. when he touched him. How come when all the other spirits pull their strings they come up short? Is it pure luck depending on the length of time the string's owner has been dead?

They come up short because their strings have broken through natural causes, just as Tarquinio's own string would be short. He snaps the string of somebody living, so it hasn't worn away naturally was my reasoning for it.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Coincidentally, I was listening to the Guardian weekly news podcast and they were talking about an English physician/doctor (Sarnia, was his sir name I think, English taught, now practicing in America) who has wrote a book championing a number of revolutionary resuscitation techniques he’s developed, claiming he can bring people back from the dead (quite literally) after many minutes and that deaths from, for example: heart attacks can be counteracted much more effectively than current methods. Fascinating stuff.

Yes it is.

Hi Dustin,

I found this story strange but I guess it has potential.

I do have a problem with the fact that you have to give a defense / justification for everything. It shows that it's probably poor writing to begin with. A well-constructed screenplay should be relatable and strong without the need for explanation for everything. The producer is not always going to have access to the writer and won't be able to ask questions about your rationale.

Write with the strength that can convey your intended meaning.

My 2c.

Quoted from levijyron I do have a problem with the fact that you have to give a defense / justification for everything. It shows that it's probably poor writing to begin with.

Admitting mistakes is neither defending nor justifying them. In places where I have explained further, I have also admitted that I need to explain that more in the story to make it better understood.

Thanks for your thoughts... appreciated.

I liked your 'string theory '. And I'm not talking quantum physics. your story lets me think of the comic book "Thorgal; Beyond the Shadows" from Rosinski-Van Damme.
(original title: "De schaduwen voorbij" ).

Quoted from vancety I liked your 'string theory '. And I'm not talking quantum physics. your story lets me think of the comic book "Thorgal; Beyond the Shadows" from Rosinski-Van Damme. (original title: "De schaduwen voorbij" ).

Thank you. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.