Quoted from AmbitionIsKey So, I enjoyed this, which is strange since this type of read is not my usual thing. Like previously said, everything looks rather pushed together, you need to break up your action lines a lot more.   The only other thing I could say is that the writing is simple and straight-forward and you managed to develop the characters well. -- Curt

Thanks Curt!  I appreciate the read and your comments--you're spot on about a lot of the action being crammed together and that's something I working on.  Glad you enjoyed it!

Gary

Hey Gary - a nice piece here. Overall I think it worked. Like most have said, there's some trimming needed here, but the line you're working with in the story does well.

Main miss for me was the characterisation of your lead - he was almost a little blase. If you trimmed it some you'd be able to take some time to develop him some more. I think he needs to show a little fear, question what he's doing - like when the three guys get mowed down, he should be pulled between getting the hell out of there and going back to help them - all that kind of stuff is the conflict that you need to play on - like giving the audience a minute to think on it too, so that they're with the guy during those agonising seconds he has to choose.

Worth a re-write on this one - it's got a lot going for it.

Thanks Simon--that's a great suggestion about being more concerned about the situation.  I guess I was wanting to show that the non-combat guys like priests and medics were there on the front lines as well, but I should have shown they would have the same fears that any soldier would have.  It would definitely humanize him and allow you to relate to him.  Great suggestion and will certainly make it in a re-write.  Glad you enjoyed.

Gary

Gary,

Here are my notes as I was reading this:

"A STEADY SNOW falls on a platoon of American soldiers. They
are scattered about in numerous shallow foxholes along the
edge of woods that face a large clearing. "

This seems poorly phrased. Replace the period after soldiers with a comma, remove 'they are', and notice how that's a much better visual.

"The soldiers appear weather-beaten, dirty and exhausted."

This is description so it should go with the previous action line.

You need to cut down the overly explanatory Cahill on bottom of page 2 and into page 3.

"BAUER
Hey, I'm Catholic, Padre. You tellin'
me the Church says I can't kill some
fuckin' Nazi if he's shootin' at me?"

You're bending the character to your wishes. It feels forced.

"Gotta have you around to administer
Last Rites to all the poor saps about
to get fucked over."

Why are they saps?? Poor word choice maybe?

"CAHILL
I'm don't know if you're serious or
just jerking my chain, Steinberg,
but the Canons of the Catholic Church
won't allow that--you being Jewish.
Only those baptized into the Catholic
faith can receive the Sacrament.
Christians of other faiths can receive
the Rites, just not the Sacrament."

Cahill is really starting to sound like Stephen Root's character from Dodgeball who kept reading from that little rule book.
I'm not sure if what you're going for is some kind of religious movie or something, but the explanatory nature of Cahill is uncalled for. I can't imagine how he could be even in the mood to explain himself in that much detail. It's somewhat comical and not in the good way, sorry to say so. Again, it feels like you're really bending the character to what you want him to say rather than have him say what he wants to say.

"Damn fool. Can't save anyone's soul
now."

Wait, wasn't he just praying on the rosary? I'm confused.

The action's pretty cool actually.

"It's going to be okay."

Oh my goodness...really?

I liked the rest of it all the way till the end. Although in the back of my mind I still had that feeling of, what's the point of all this exactly. So I still don't exactly fully understand what you were trying to get across. My vague gut feeling tells me its really about the priest and that this is heavily thematic than anything.

As others have pointed out, the ending is solid and by far the best thing about the script but I just think you'll need to figure out a different way to get to it.

Best,

-J.S.

Quoted from J.S. You need to cut down the overly explanatory Cahill on bottom of page 2 and into page 3.

James, sorry I haven't responded to this before now.  Been on the go at work and moving daughters home from college for the summer, so I'm just getting back to things.

Yeah, after re-reading it, Cahill is bit wordy--almost professorial.  I need to get him speaking more on laymen's terms.  

Quoted from J.S. I'm not sure if what you're going for is some kind of religious movie or something, but the explanatory nature of Cahill is uncalled for. I can't imagine how he could be even in the mood to explain himself in that much detail. It's somewhat comical and not in the good way, sorry to say so. Again, it feels like you're really bending the character to what you want him to say rather than have him say what he wants to say.

I think in hindsight I probably had him and Steinberg going on too long about the Catholic polity but I was trying to make a connection that the act itself is matter of faith and that faith is not limited to any one religion.  But I agree that his dialogue probably didn't work in the intended manner.

Quoted from J.S. The action's pretty cool actually. "It's going to be okay." Oh my goodness...really? I liked the rest of it all the way till the end. Although in the back of my mind I still had that feeling of, what's the point of all this exactly. So I still don't exactly fully understand what you were trying to get across. My vague gut feeling tells me its really about the priest and that this is heavily thematic than anything. As others have pointed out, the ending is solid and by far the best thing about the script but I just think you'll need to figure out a different way to get to it. Best, -J.S.

I think you're spot on there.  I had a definite ending in mind when I started out, and perhaps how I got there maybe got a bit muddled, so I will certainly be looking at changing things up dramatically in a rewrite.  I appreciate the read and the valuable comments!

Gary

Gary,

Very nicely done. It was a very engaging read. I like the camaraderie between the three main characters.

I do think that your description of some of the action could be trimmed down, but nonetheless, they did prove fruitful in painting the atmosphere and mood of the scene.

Great stuff

-Silva Sly-

Hey Gary,

I liked this although I found the second half a lot more entertaining to be honest. It’s a nice take on wartime, showing a Priest’s account and I really enjoyed (even though everyone died) the ending. Two people on different sides but share the same faith.

The first half is a little slow, you set-up some tension by revealing the oncoming enemy but then threw out a load of exposition that slowed the story down. In saying that, some of the dialogue here with the guys joking I liked, fear can do that to people.

It does need to be tightened, a lot of superfluous details in the action but I have to admit that I loved the vivid descriptions which made it a visual feast. These bits caught my eye but nothing major:

Page 4 “I'm don't” I don’t.

Page 8  “Koch looks at Cahill only briefly, then quickly moves on, visibly shaken. (Koch) follows behind.” Think this should be Stueben.

A good read, I enjoyed it.

Cheers.

Steve

Gary,

I would have read this long time ago had I noticed it before. Sorry.

Anyway, the story itself is good and I liked how there are several religious differences here. Sort of like, we may be completely different as people and come from different parts of the planet, but we still have one thing in common, religion or faith. Even if different, most people still have faith. And, some people, like priests for example are capable of looking past any other differences we have. That was nice to see. So, in short, the story itself was good.

I did have some issues with your writing though. Not that it was bad or anything, just a tad over descriptive and could be more visual. What do I mean by that? Try to think of the script in pictures. How would it look on screen? It said somewhere that they tried to stay warm against the sub-zero temperatures. It's okay, but why not "show" us how cold it is instead. Show them shivering. Their breaths showing. Teeth clattering and so on.  You also wrote "For twenty minutes a back and forth barrage of fighting continues". C'mon now. Are saying we should sit there and watch this fight go on for 20 minutes?   Almost forgot. You do have a LOT of orphans too. Those are easy fixes.

So, all in all, I liked it and think you did a good job. It just needs trimming and some formatting. changes.

Pia, I had honestly not checked in lately on here, so I apologize for not responding sooner.  Hadn't realized someone had read this recently.  First of all, I appreciate the read.  I highly value your opinion given your track record.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Anyway, the story itself is good and I liked how there are several religious differences here. Sort of like, we may be completely different as people and come from different parts of the planet, but we still have one thing in common, religion or faith. Even if different, most people still have faith. And, some people, like priests for example are capable of looking past any other differences we have. That was nice to see. So, in short, the story itself was good.

Thanks--I was trying to play off the old quote of "there are no atheists in foxholes" and provide a subtle dig as well at the idea of people killing each other because of their religion isn't something that's just happening today-it's as old as time.  But I also tried to show at the end that while every religion has its fanatics, there are also the decent people who try to do good, even in the midst of insanity.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I did have some issues with your writing though. Not that it was bad or anything, just a tad over descriptive and could be more visual. What do I mean by that? Try to think of the script in pictures. How would it look on screen? It said somewhere that they tried to stay warm against the sub-zero temperatures. It's okay, but why not "show" us how cold it is instead. Show them shivering. Their breaths showing. Teeth clattering and so on.  You also wrote "For twenty minutes a back and forth barrage of fighting continues". C'mon now. Are saying we should sit there and watch this fight go on for 20 minutes?   Almost forgot. You do have a LOT of orphans too. Those are easy fixes. So, all in all, I liked it and think you did a good job. It just needs trimming and some formatting. changes.

Guilty as charged.  One of the things I'm still learning in my screenwriting is how to cut down on the exposition and be more simplistic in "showing" things.  Before I tried my hand at this, I was writing fiction in the long form, where you have to much more descriptive to to provide the reader an idea of what is happening.  Old habits are hard to break.   I think each succeeding piece I've done I've gotten a little better about that, but it's always good to see where I'm still missing the mark so I can improve with the next project.

I need to go back and check on those orphans.  I use Movie Magic Screenwriter, and you would think it would automatically catch those, but I may not have it set up properly.

Thanks again for the read Pia!

Gary

Hey Gary, I must have missed this when it was posted but thought I'd give it a read as I'm a fan of WW2 stuff.

I'll start by being picky...you say the soldiers are in foxholes but then Cahill move about the bunkers.  This is a bit confusing because I picture a foxhole as a hole in the ground but a bunker to be more sturdy with a makeshift roof.  Told you I was being picky.

Can't say I like it when you write 'for twenty minutes...'.

Okay so I enjoyed this although it was a little long for the story it told.  That said, I wasn't bored and it did read quite quickly.  As for the 'story', well it was good.  Shows that it doesn't matter which uniform a priest was wearing, they were representing God.

Alffy, thanks for the read!  Yah, I should have known better than to try and interchange "foxholes" and "bunkers" because they're definitely not the same thing. I guess I was just looking for a different way to say "foxhole" without using it over and over--I thought about "trenches", but that's a totally different thing as well. I need to change that, for sure.

You and Pia both brought up the 20 minute description and I just need to drop that wording out entirely. Even though we all know that a typical battle would last at least that long, sometimes hours at a time, obviously no one wants to sit and watch the same scene go on for that long (exception: the opening Omaha Beach scene in Saving Private Ryan).  

Glad you liked the story--I know this one can't be filmed, but I had fun writing it.

Gary

Gary

Not a bad effort, some interesting stuff in here, although it would be a rather expensive 9 pager to shoot, given the content. I found some of the dialogue at times a little too on-the-nose with characters often saying things I had a hard time believing they would actually say in the heat of their very stressful situation.

BAUER
Good place as any to die.

- Not the best attitude to have, is it? I wouldn’t like to be beside this guy when facing the enemy head on.

CAHILL
I'm don't know if you're serious or
just jerking my chain, Steinberg

- Should be “I” instead of “I’m”. Also, would a Priest really use the phrase “jerking my chain”?

CAHILL
(smiles)
I would, but you have to be in danger
of imminent death before I can
administer them.

- Is he for real? Again, I don’t think he would say something like this.

BAUER
Doesn't get any more imminent than
now, I would think.

- Fuck?n A!

“For twenty minutes a back and forth barrage of fighting
continues, and soldiers on both sides continue to drop in
the snow.”

- Working off the presumption that you won’t actually show a war battle for 20 minutes, how are we supposed to know that it goes on for this length of time?

“Cahill continues to administer Last Rites to fallen soldiers.”

- Did this actually happen? Would Priests give the last rites right in the middle of battle like this?

I like the turn of events when Cahill ends up giving Steinberg his last rites, despite being Jewish. That was a nice pay-off to the earlier exchange and refusal of Cahill to give them to him on the basis of religion. A nice touch of irony, well handled.

Also, the final scene of the German Priest giving the stricken Cahill his last rites was smartly done. I thought it was just gonna be another piece about the futility of war and those who get caught up in it only to die an unceremonious death but the closing sequence elevated it to something with a  little more going for it than that, resulting in a more satisfying and fully rounded piece.

As to the veracity of the enemy being so humane as to give last rites to the opposition’s dying personnel is another thing but as an effective symbolic action, it works well.

I’d see about making your dialogue a little looser and natural, not so constructed. Also, I’d cut down on the chunky prose, pair it back, only include the detail we need, and you have a decent script here.

Best of luck with it.

Col.

Well, I thought this short had gone on to page two and beyond purgatory, so Col., first of all, thanks for the read and second, for the valuable comments.

I would agree that the dialogue does need some work--some of the things are probably not what soldiers would say in the heat of battle, or at least in fear of their own demise.  I probably was trying to "flair it up" for dramatic effect, when it probably would have been more dramatic to just them speak naturally.

Priests actually did give out the sacrament during battle.  During D-Day, there were several on the beach at Omaha and elsewhere providing Last Rites as the battle raged on.  Many throughout WWII (and other wars) were killed or wounded as they administered the sacrament.  It was an area that I thought hadn't really been addressed on film before (or at least at any length), and I wanted to shine a light on it.

You're right--I didn't want to do something on the futility of war, but something more towards the way some people rise above that futility in dedication to a higher calling.  Or something like that.

Thanks again for the read~

Gary