I didn't mention it, but I hated the name "Chalky".  Sounds like either a ghost or a vampire to me.

Maybe the addition of a 3rd character could help...like a squirrel or chipmunk.

Didn't Jim Davidson have a character called 'Chalky' - he used to imitate a black guy ... ? can't remember his catch-phrase now. That was in pre-politically correct times. Still funny, none-the-less.

I thought this was a really solid piece. I kinda got lost in some of the action because there was so much of it, but I understood what was going on.

As for others' comments about what changes need to be made, I'm not so sure I agree. I came away from it feeling for both soldiers just because of the situation and didn't feel like anything was missing. Whether or not an audience empathizes with your characters is likely up to the director and how they guide the performances. I think you've set it up wonderfully and if you were to do much more, you'd do the director's job for them on the page.

However, if you were to make changes, I'd say you should add that both men wear wedding bands and have an extra memento on their persons from their families. Maybe a photo of Chalky's wife falls out of his pocket and Lothar plays with a little doll while he smokes? That way, they're connected but on opposite sides of the coin.

Hey Steve

Nice flow to the script, quick,easy read.

My only gripe would be the no subtitles with the German, the audience needs to know what's happening.

Also once the date has come up at the start have another super. D-DAY.

Good work

Michael

Thanks Rich for pointing that out about the name -- it was a last minute change in a nod to the old Commando comics I read as a kid. Damn, what were the odds...  Back to imdb for me.

Thanks, Michael and Dan, really appreciate the feedback.

Steve.

Steve,

I liked this one a lot.

I really like the idea of us not knowing what Lothar is saying, and us being in the same boat as Chalky. However, I think this may change the dynamics of the story slightly, as I felt myself siding with Lothar more during it, which may have given the final reveal about the landmine more weight. And despite liking the idea of non-subtitled dialogue, I fear quite a bit of the conflict and information will be lost, as we will have no idea that Lothar is only fighting Chalky to restrain him; not to actually injure him.

Have a little play around with it; cut out Lothar's dialogue, show it to people, and see if anything is lost on them.

Building further upon the point of siding with Lothar during this script, I felt that Chalky needs to be developed further, so that I the reader has more of an emotional connection with his character. Because at the minute, I cared far more about Lothar than Chalky.

But regardless, as I said in the start, I really liked this one.

It was very well-written throughout, and was a quick, enjoyable read.

All the best with it,

Toby.

Hey Steve,

Always a pleasure to dive in and give one of your shorts a read.  The writing was trim and clear and made this a breeze to read.

I liked it but I didn’t take away a lot from it – didn’t pull any emotional weight with me. Who was I rooting for? Chalky probably just because but neither character had enough to give this story any real substance or meaning.

I did like the idea behind these two enemies sharing the same trouble or the while not understanding one another for obvious reasons. I would have loved to see you tackle this from a different perspective and show how this problem could have caused the death of our supposed hero Chalky.

I think it could work in the fact that reader knows what he’s saying (likewise on film with subtitles) but Chalky doesn’t and while Lothar is warning him, he believes as you’d expect that he’s the enemy and it gets himself killed. I guess I am a pessimist.

A good read but lacks any emotion punch for me.

Steve

Toby, thanks for the notes and apologies for taking so long, I’ve been away from the computer for a while.

Thanks for taking a look Steve. The re-write tackles some of those issues mentioned.  Let me know if I can return the read.


Steve.

Thanks Don for re-posting.

Thought I’d take a crack at a re-write.  Ended up taking this version in a slightly different direction.  Also decided to leave one character’s dialogue in German this time round -- see how it comes across if the reader doesn’t know exactly what’s being said.

...Unless you speak German that is.

Steve.