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Well, with so many people saying that this was interesting, how could I not take a peek to see what it was all about?
Dale, before I go much further, you should probably know that I am absolutely useless when it comes to horror, so some of the opinion that I bring may not be particularly valid. What I will say is as far as original ideas go, I kinda liked it. It was a neat little story, which definitely has some potential. There's something 'odd' about it, which is a major draw-card for me. Good to see other writers thinking out the box.
For me, however, it got incredibly tired and somewhat derivative after a while. It all just felt a little too long to build enough tension. Rather than a fast, action-packed story full of suspense, it sort of falls on its face after a while. Perhaps it's just me, but I felt that something new had to be brought to each post-it note. That would allow for a greater increase in tension, IMHO.
The writing issues have already been addressed. I wouldn't want to beat a dead horse, so I guess I'll leave it at that.
Welcome to the boards, Dale. If you would like me to elaborate on anything I have said, please don't hesitate to let me know.
I think it's a bit long. You could cut like 4 min of it easy and not lose much. I understand that you use some of the time to build suspense and add atmosphere but after a while it feels like I'm watching the same old thing and not much is happening. It gets a bit dull.
It's nicely directed. Good job on that. I think you could lose the shot in the hallway where we see him through the doorway looking at his hand. That seemed a bit badly acted and didn't come of as real to me. I like the shot itself, through the doorway, that was good. But the motion of him lifting his arm and looking at it come of as bit fake and badly acted.
The end scene with the hand coming out of the tub was OK. The scene written in the script you posted here is difficult to film, so it's understandable why you changed it. I think you could have used some flashing light and some sort of cut when he got into the tub, because as it is it looks a bit fake, him splashing around. It's difficult to make it look real, especially with the budget you must have worked it, so IMO best not show it at all, just hit at it. Maybe a shot of the hand pulling him down - goes into the tub - half a second of him splashing - a shot from above of him lifting his head out of the bloody water, screaming... and cut. Something like that would be more effective IMO.
Yeah as said, a little long... Wimped out on showing the ear I feel. I also don't think there was any need for the dialogue. The dialogue ruined it for me a little.
For me the story was about some guy that has just killed his wife, her body is in the bath.. and now he's on a psycho mission to punish himself, which an only end in his own death. The amount of harm he first does to himself shows the level of his guilt in a very visual way.
I liked the camera work and acting was good. I can see this doing well at festivals... it will certainly make an impact. Good luck with it.
One thing I did want to know about is the length. I'll be making my own short soon and we will be placing it into festivals... I thought there was a 10-minute limit at some of them?
All your points are valid! I do like the length, I wanted to slow things down I allow the audience to breath and think ahead. I've watched it with a few audiences and the slow pace let's peoples imaginations run a little further. That's just my opinion
The other points are spot on, especially about the bath in the last scene. It came down to budget and time constraints as the whole scene was actually shot at night. We didn't have the time to get the shots :/ which is a shame. It's impact is lost a fair bit. But hey, move on to the next film!
We've had great feedback so far and I really do hope it makes an impact at festivals! Regarding length, the common rule is up to 15 minutes including credits.
We spent about £1250-£1500 on this and shot it in 2 days, it was a great experience.
Great job man. Read the script, seen the short. You did a good job in switching some key things around from the script to the film. Which I thought only helped in making it that much better. The song you chose to go with in the film is a better fit than, “Stuck in the middle with you”. It was nice Tarentino reference. Kinda’ synonymous with Dogs, But your new song, word for word was much more creepier.
The acting was good. Actually even more then good. The chopping of the finger looked great. The overall look of it is what surprised me. Shot selection and cinematography were all done very well. It could have been cut down a few minutes. But still good as it is.
The ending was better filmed than in the script. I liked the idea of it being a ghost,(his girlfriend). The only thing that through me off was…why did he say..” That’s not right” after he realized it was gonna’ spell death. I mean if he’s willing participating in this morbid game with a dead ghost, he must feel a tremendous sense of guilt. Guilt deriving from, him killing his girlfriend. Basically, he knows he deserves this. Then why is he saying “ That’s not right” as if he feels he doesn’t deserve this. It’s only one line. But that one line actually speaks volumes
But overall I really enjoyed it. Cool a little story. Better than most bullshit I catch myself skipping through on netflix.
Thanks Marcello, very kind words and lovely compliments!
All the dialogue in the final scene was improvised except, "that's not right.".
I originally wrote as a second guess of himself. He doesn't realise what is actually going on until that moment.
It was meant to be a kind of realisation moment. During the edit the way it panned definitely doesn't show him in a hit of realisation... But I enjoyed the performance so I kept it all in as this moment of madness haha.
I'm really really glad you enjoyed it. Really great to here
I really dug this script. Tongue-in-cheek horror isn't exactly the easiest thing to write, but you really succeeded here. The character is rather dimensionless, but that's okay because the post-it notes are really the star.
I actually read this one twice to get a fully formed opinion. Upon first reading, I thought the character maybe said too much throughout (he's by himself, after all), but after the second read, I think you nailed it. I personally have talked to myself under stress or when I'm upset, so I imagine anyone else would do the same, especially when removing appendages from their body.
I haven't watched the film yet, but I'm looking forward to it and will get back to you when I do.
Keep up the great work! I see this becoming one of my favorites from the site.
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